jr8candi Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 My husband and I were married for 4 years. We divorced 3 months ago. We have 2 kids and I miss him so much. He is seeing someone else right now. He still tells me that he loves me and that maybe one day we can be together again. I don't know what to do.
Trimmer Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Divorce is usually a point from which people try to move on in their lives, but it sounds like neither of you are quite doing that. What was the situation surrounding your divorce? What were the reasons, who initiated it, how did it go, etc? Also, I must point out that "I love you and maybe one day we can be together again" is somewhat inconsistent with his seeing someone else at the moment - at least it's inconsiderate to her, unless he has made it very clear that he has these continued feelings toward you. Incidentally, I believe that you can continue to be good, mutually supportive parents to your children, while still moving past the "I still love you as a spouse" feelings, and frankly, I feel like this is the most healthy thing to shoot for, for both you and the kids. So tell us a little more about how your marriage was, and what caused it to end...
Author jr8candi Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Our marriage was great for the first three years. Then my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to her brain. She died 11 months later. About 9 months into her battle, I suddenly had the fear of dying. Everytime I had a headache, I thought TUMOR, anything at all, I would think of some type of cancer. So I went to the doctor for my anxiety and he put me on antidepressants. Then the side effects started happening. We began arguing most of the time. A year later, divorce. The arguments were mostly over stupid stuff. I mean, there was never any major thing that happened.
Trimmer Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 How are you doing now, with respect to death in general, and specifically your mother's death? Are you still on the AD meds? Did your doctor have any comment about the side effects? How are things with your kids; how do they seem (I assume they are both 4 or younger...); what is your parenting arrangement? (e.g. schedules, support, etc.) Is your life generally stable and safe? I'm just trying to get a broader picture of the person you are, what's going on in your life, and 'where your head's at.' I don't want to give you false hope, but what would have to change if you were to get back together? That's why I asked about the issues behind the divorce, and specifically, who initiated it, if it was to any degree one-sided. Or did you just look at each other after a year of arguing and say, let's not do this any more... I can't help but think, since you pointed out your mom's death as a precipitating incident in the decline of your marriage, that you may want to explore this in therapy a little bit. It sounds like it was a profound loss and shock in your life - do you feel like you have come to grips with it - found some peace - or are you still doing battle with it? And the usual advice I give to people in difficult marital situations - take this time to work on yourself. You don't control him, and to whatever degree you are not whole, stable, happy, and comfortable with yourself, you will not be a viable partner for someone else. I don't mean this to put it on your shoulders, like "it's all your problem" but ensuring that you have control of your own life is the first step in recovering, whatever the outcome may turn out to be.
Author jr8candi Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 I dealt with my mom's death as well as anyone could. The medication helped me from being scared of dying. I'm not going to say that our divorce was his fault or my fault, because it was both of us. I'm not good at this at all, I made it sound like we divorced because of my anxiety. It started with the sexual side effects of the meds. He acts like he only got it once a month. He pays child support and he sees the kids every Wednesday evening and every other weekend. My oldest son is 7 years old, his father NEVER has anything to do with him, never has. Me and my ex got together when he was 2 1\2. He's raised him like his own ever since, and he still does. Our son together is 3. I thought, at first, we would be okay, since the divorce wasn't a surprise. We even stayed together for 5 months trying to work it out, after we filed. I'm not okay. I miss him so much.
dgiirl Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 You said you were divorced 3 months ago. How long have you two been separated? I assume you've told him exactly how you feel? If you have, and he's seeing someone, then him telling you you might get back together is probably his way of not trying to hurt you. If he really wanted to get back together, he would be doing it. I think the best thing for you is to give him some space and focus on yourself. Right now, your ego has probably been hurt, you probably have little self esteem and are probably really lonely, and want him back to cure all of those things for you. Trust me, if you really want your relationship to work, you need to build yourself back up. You need to become whole again. Are you going to therapy? I think it's extremely important for anyone going through a divorce.
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