Why???

[UnknowingOW]

No NC yet....*#*#*#

 

I'm failing, and quite miserable I might add. I chated with him yesterday for an hour and then again today. Why can't I just walk away?

 

This is wrong on so many levels. He does not deserve the attention I give him. He is not a participating party of my life. He is someone I talk with online..nothing more. (I have to keep telling myself this so i can see reality vs fantasy).

 

This morning we had "morning sex" online if you could call it that. We said our goodbyes, and then I signed off Yahoo, and he said he was heading to the office. What's funny is, he's not signed off MSN telling me one thing (I'm in stealth mode so he cannot see me). He's either at the office or at home. And I want know if he's lying to me, again It's what I've felt since last weekend he's gone home. I'm so tempted to call his home number...see if he answers the phone. For some reason, I feel that would be the trigger that pushes me over the edge where he is concerned.

 

I'm beggin for the trigger to snap my mind into voiding this relationship with him. That would be the final catalyst in his deceit with me...lying again. I'm tired of stuggling with the crap in my mind...I need some peace.

 

I think it's like many have said...they will continue with lies and deceit to keep us in their grips.

 

HELP!!!

 

Should I make the call and see if I'm correct so I have that trigger to set me on the right path?

[Tony T]

All this guy is is some type on a screen and an idea in your head. You've been having sex with yourself! Until you've talked to this guy on the phone, he's just somebody out there in cyberland. Until his penis has been inserted in the appropriate places on your body, you've had sex only with yourself, not him.

 

You have no relationship with him except in your head. So go to workpad and write: "I hereby break up with the idea that I am in some sort of relationship."

 

Send him an email if you have his address, or IM him when he's online and tell him you are going to move on to a REAL relationship with a REAL live human being in a REAL setting.

 

Now, if your computer gets pregnant you may be in a LOT of trouble.

[movinon05]

Sweetie, let me ask you something.

 

What do you think calling will accomplish? And wouldn't it be risky to call? Or not?

 

Either way, if you find out he is lying will it really be a catalyst to help you stop this? You just had another on-line fling with him! BTW, sometimes I forget to sign off MSN completely and just close it. He could always tell you that too. I think its going to take more than trying to catch him in a lie for you to end it. I know how you feel as I used to try to catch exMM in lies and it was terribly difficult, until I actually FINALLY caught him in a whopper of a lie - he said he hadn't spoken to me all week because he was in the hospital and got his appendix out!!) So I called the hospital to find out, and found out he was never there. This was the first time I ever had a chance to get solid proof and was then able to nail him.

 

Otherwise, as I said, little lies are not necessarily going to convince you to end things. Its just going to keep you unsettled. I don't think this is going to be a big enough "trigger" because he can always give another excuse for this. And make it sound like its not so bad.

 

(Hugs)

[whichwayisup]

Make the trigger yourself. Find the strength inside you just to decide that you aren't going to put up with this crap anymore. He probably is lying to you, your gut is telling you something, so listen to it.

 

If you call him, you're going to make it worse for yourself.

[UnknowingOW]

All this guy is is some type on a screen and an idea in your head. You've been having sex with yourself! Until you've talked to this guy on the phone, he's just somebody out there in cyberland. Until his penis has been inserted in the appropriate places on your body, you've had sex only with yourself, not him.

 

You have no relationship with him except in your head. So go to workpad and write: "I hereby break up with the idea that I am in some sort of relationship."

 

Send him an email if you have his address, or IM him when he's online and tell him you are going to move on to a REAL relationship with a REAL live human being in a REAL setting.

 

Now, if your computer gets pregnant you may be in a LOT of trouble.

Tony...I've known him for years. And, yes we already had/have a physical relationship.

[UnknowingOW]

Sweetie, let me ask you something.

 

What do you think calling will accomplish? And wouldn't it be risky to call? Or not?

 

Either way, if you find out he is lying will it really be a catalyst to help you stop this? You just had another on-line fling with him! BTW, sometimes I forget to sign off MSN completely and just close it. He could always tell you that too. I think its going to take more than trying to catch him in a lie for you to end it. I know how you feel as I used to try to catch exMM in lies and it was terribly difficult, until I actually FINALLY caught him in a whopper of a lie - he said he hadn't spoken to me all week because he was in the hospital and got his appendix out!!) So I called the hospital to find out, and found out he was never there. This was the first time I ever had a chance to get solid proof and was then able to nail him.

 

Otherwise, as I said, little lies are not necessarily going to convince you to end things. Its just going to keep you unsettled. I don't think this is going to be a big enough "trigger" because he can always give another excuse for this. And make it sound like its not so bad.

 

(Hugs)

 

MO,

 

I didn't call but someone else did...yes, bad and deceitful on my part. And maybe he is working at the hotel...I don't know.

[Tony T]

Tony...I've known him for years. And, yes we already had/have a physical relationship.

 

OK, just didn't have that clear in my mind.

 

Anytime you are in an unfulfilling relationship and you feel it can't improve, you have to terminate it...usually in person. If you known this guy for years, I don't think the phone thing would be appropriate UNLESS that's the way you feel better doing it.

 

I have been in friendships and relationships where ultimately I was always wondering whether the person was being honest with me. Those can drive you crazy and it's much easier on the constitution not to have them in your life. You brain can be busy doing other more productive things and going around trying to see if somebody is telling the truth. Usually your intuition is right on the money.

 

You just can't remain stuck in an uncomfortable situation. It won't take long to sever this thing. If you are simply undecided, have a person to person talk with him and discuss your feeling. In any case, if you can't get OK with everything in the relationship terminate it the best way you know how as quickly as you can. If you think there may be hope, work on that first.

 

In these times more than ever, every day could be our last. Don't spend your time wallowing in stuff you should deal with in a decisive manner.

 

Good luck and happiness to you!

[UnknowingOW]

Sweetie, let me ask you something.

 

What do you think calling will accomplish? And wouldn't it be risky to call? Or not?

 

Either way, if you find out he is lying will it really be a catalyst to help you stop this? You just had another on-line fling with him! BTW, sometimes I forget to sign off MSN completely and just close it. He could always tell you that too. I think its going to take more than trying to catch him in a lie for you to end it. I know how you feel as I used to try to catch exMM in lies and it was terribly difficult, until I actually FINALLY caught him in a whopper of a lie - he said he hadn't spoken to me all week because he was in the hospital and got his appendix out!!) So I called the hospital to find out, and found out he was never there. This was the first time I ever had a chance to get solid proof and was then able to nail him.

 

Otherwise, as I said, little lies are not necessarily going to convince you to end things. Its just going to keep you unsettled. I don't think this is going to be a big enough "trigger" because he can always give another excuse for this. And make it sound like its not so bad.

 

(Hugs)

 

MO,

 

I didn't call but someone else did...yes, bad and deceitful on my part. And maybe he is working at the hotel...I don't know and shouldn't care.

 

I HATE this crap. I hate obsessing on him 24/7. I hate not being in the loop. I hate not being able to control my emotions. I hate not being with him. And you are right, it might not be a big trigger but I was hoping it would be the final one.

 

I honestly don't want to be in a relationship like my last one...where I waited and waited and finally realized my X F was never coming because of his CP. This thing with MM is feeling the same way. I know it' only been a month since D-day. I know he tells me he doesn't want me to leave his life, and how much harder it would be if I did. But what does that give me?? False hope and obsessions. WT*! SNAP OUT OF IT M...you are driving yourself insane.

[UnknowingOW]

Make the trigger yourself. Find the strength inside you just to decide that you aren't going to put up with this crap anymore. He probably is lying to you, your gut is telling you something, so listen to it.

 

If you call him, you're going to make it worse for yourself.

 

My gut told me there was something wrong last month...that's when I found out he was/is married. Granted they are separated, but does that really matter?

 

I think what my gut keeps telling me is this is wrong. Wrong to be in love with a married man. Wrong to want and need him. Wrong to talk to him daily....just wrong.

[movinon05]

LOl! You just reminded me of things that I did as well such as having my sister make a phone call to catch the lie. But it was always his W who picked up the phone, so I couldn't catch what I was looking for!! He had me round and round til I was finally able to catch him in bigger lies. You see what I mean though, that you still have no answer to this. And I know how it eats you up. No, I can just tell you from experience that this would not have been your trigger/catalyst. When your heart is involved, its going to take much more than that. In the meantime, you WILL drive yourself crazy with things like this working on your mind 24/7. That's just the way it is until you really do get so tired of it and really do get a MAJORLY BIG TRIGGER to get you out of your situation. And I mean MAJOR. Because your heart will continue to confuse you if its anything less.

 

Then there's always the possibility that you CAN be stronger and do the NC and realize this is what you don't want and stick to it, but I'm not getting that impression with you. I just hope I'm wrong. I don't want to see you mirror my 7 year path. I now have to quote LNF and say "Been There, Done That, Bought a T-shirt".

[UnknowingOW]

You are right. I'm seriously struggling with NC. My head knows it's the only way to go, and my heart says...are you crazy, he loves you and you love him.

 

But as WA said..."love should not be this hard." And this is too hard to deal with.

 

It has to be NC. I have to pull every resource from my being to make this happen. There are no other solutions to this issue. My head is absolutely clear about that. My heart is my biggest problem...it always has been. I'm finally learning that much about myself.

[whichwayisup]

My gut told me there was something wrong last month...that's when I found out he was/is married. Granted they are separated, but does that really matter?

 

I think what my gut keeps telling me is this is wrong. Wrong to be in love with a married man. Wrong to want and need him. Wrong to talk to him daily....just wrong.

 

If he was a single man, treating you like s***, and dicking you around...Would you stay and put up with it??? I'm guessing a big fat NO. You wouldn't. Somehow you'd figure, I don't need this crap from you - See ya! So, apply this logic into your situation. He's married and separated -(so he says. Who knows for sure, I mean they could be having space and will try again...) Either way, he isn't worthy of YOU. End it for your own sanity.

[RealityCheck]

MO,

 

I didn't call but someone else did...yes, bad and deceitful on my part. And maybe he is working at the hotel...I don't know and shouldn't care.

 

I HATE this crap. I hate obsessing on him 24/7. I hate not being in the loop. I hate not being able to control my emotions. I hate not being with him. And you are right, it might not be a big trigger but I was hoping it would be the final one.

 

I honestly don't want to be in a relationship like my last one...where I waited and waited and finally realized my X F was never coming because of his CP. This thing with MM is feeling the same way. I know it' only been a month since D-day. I know he tells me he doesn't want me to leave his life, and how much harder it would be if I did. But what does that give me?? False hope and obsessions. WT*! SNAP OUT OF IT M...you are driving yourself insane.

 

Morning!!!

 

Perhaps your trigger is the fact that you are feeling the same situation with this MM as your F in terms of not being in control.

 

I would venture to think that this is something that you do not want to recreate for yourself. For me, the whole idea of someone having that much control over me is something I am not prepared to live with ever again! I honor my feelings too much to be defeated in what I refer to standing in "my own truth".

 

Try focusing on YOUR own power to control, rather than focusing on the way HE is controlling you.

 

Its a tough rode hunny we've all been there, but at the end of the day the only one you can truly trust and depend on is yourself.

 

*Hugs*

[movinon05]

If he was a single man, treating you like s***, and dicking you around...Would you stay and put up with it??? I'm guessing a big fat NO. You wouldn't. Somehow you'd figure, I don't need this crap from you - See ya! So, apply this logic into your situation. He's married and separated -(so he says. Who knows for sure, I mean they could be having space and will try again...) Either way, he isn't worthy of YOU. End it for your own sanity.

 

WWIU, I have seen you say this a number of times. "If he was single, would you...(fill in the blanks)" Every time I see that, it just makes perfect sense!!! EVERY TIME!! Most people don't even think like that, but it is so very true!!

 

So why the dichotomy when it involves a married person? I really don't think I have an answer to that!! Does anyone?

[UnknowingOW]

Morning!!!

 

Perhaps your trigger is the fact that you are feeling the same situation with this MM as your F in terms of not being in control.

 

I would venture to think that this is something that you do not want to recreate for yourself. For me, the whole idea of someone having that much control over me is something I am not prepared to live with ever again! I honor my feelings too much to be defeated in what I refer to standing in "my own truth".

 

Try focusing on YOUR own power to control, rather than focusing on the way HE is controlling you.

 

Its a tough rode hunny we've all been there, but at the end of the day the only one you can truly trust and depend on is yourself.

 

*Hugs*

 

Thanks RC.

 

You are right...it is the lack of control and not wanting to be in the position I was last year with my Ex F.

 

I had said that to MM yesterday...that I am strong-willed, but with him it goes right out the window. That's giving him control over me....damnit!

 

Whatta stupid statement to give someone else control over you.

 

I have the power to give control and take it away.

[UnknowingOW]

If he was a single man, treating you like s***, and dicking you around...Would you stay and put up with it??? I'm guessing a big fat NO. You wouldn't. Somehow you'd figure, I don't need this crap from you - See ya! So, apply this logic into your situation. He's married and separated -(so he says. Who knows for sure, I mean they could be having space and will try again...) Either way, he isn't worthy of YOU. End it for your own sanity.

 

You are right. I've walked away from men treating me like this in the past.

 

As to end for sanity sake alone.

[Walking away]

Sweetie, I remember that emotional roller coaster ride. It was awful. But, you will continue to endure heartache and pain as long as you are on this emotional merry go round with your MM.

 

I know you are looking for a trigger. Mine was a big one, but I was already looking for a way out the door before she found out about me and "marked her territory." I was through with the pain. It was literally killing me.

 

But, here's the thing: I got out when I couldn't take it anymore. And not one minute before that. That will happen with you. When YOU can't take it anymore, you will leave. Just like that.

 

I pray that it happens soon for you. I sense that you are at the end of your rapidly unraveling emotional rope with this guy.

 

My advice: Let the last leaf fall with this guy. Let spring begin and let the healing start. It may be a cold winter for you for a while, but spring always follows winter.

 

When hope is gone, the healing will begin.

 

Hugs

WA

[UnknowingOW]

Thank you WA.

 

I do feel like I'm at the end of my rope with him. This has litterly taken over my life at this time...to much time and engery is being wasted on "what-ifs." There are no "what-ifs" in this situation just fluff.

 

I've stated in the past...he's never told me what he wants from me only that he doesn't want me to leave.

 

Can one NC and not give the other a reason? Maybe cold turkey is my only approach. Maybe it's like my mom said when this all came to light. "Walk away. Don't give him a reason. He'll know why."

[Walking away]

You CAN go NC without giving a reason, but if you are one who needs closure, this will not accomplish it.

 

You must be ready for NC for it to work. Believe me, I tried and failed many, many times because I wasn't ready to let him go.

 

I will say this again. It takes heroic strength to walk away from someone you care about who cares about you IN RETURN. It goes against every fiber in your heart, I know.

 

But he isn't free. And you are. Let him go. If he wants you badly enough, he will come find you.

 

People will literally go to the ends of the earth to be with one that they love.

 

And think of things this way: if he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't WANT you to be in such pain. It would break his heart. He would want you to be happy. No one who REALLY loves would want their love to hurt, right?

 

Love yourself. Stop the hurt.

 

WA

[UnknowingOW]

You are right on all points.

 

I will again send the NC letter today.

 

I have too.

 

This is consuming of my life. Either he wants me and makes the effort to find me or he lets go completely.

 

Heroic strength...and scared to death have to be one in the same.

[lovernotafighter]

Thank you WA.

 

I do feel like I'm at the end of my rope with him. This has litterly taken over my life at this time...to much time and engery is being wasted on "what-ifs." There are no "what-ifs" in this situation just fluff.

 

I've stated in the past...he's never told me what he wants from me only that he doesn't want me to leave.

 

Can one NC and not give the other a reason? Maybe cold turkey is my only approach. Maybe it's like my mom said when this all came to light. "Walk away. Don't give him a reason. He'll know why."

 

your mom has sage advice ,though it's hard to follow ,cut him off cold turkey.

as been said time and again "men don't respond to words,they respond to 'no contact'"

 

 

 

I now have to quote LNF and say "Been There, Done That, Bought a T-shirt".

lol! I feel loved! I can't believe you remembered that lol!

 

You CAN go NC without giving a reason, but if you are one who needs closure, this will not accomplish it.

 

You must be ready for NC for it to work. Believe me, I tried and failed many, many times because I wasn't ready to let him go.

 

I will say this again. It takes heroic strength to walk away from someone you care about who cares about you IN RETURN. It goes against every fiber in your heart, I know.

 

But he isn't free. And you are. Let him go. If he wants you badly enough, he will come find you.

 

People will literally go to the ends of the earth to be with one that they love.

 

And think of things this way: if he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't WANT you to be in such pain. It would break his heart. He would want you to be happy. No one who REALLY loves would want their love to hurt, right?

 

Love yourself. Stop the hurt.

 

WA

I swear almost word for word I told MM this and that is when he came at me with all this "wife ruined me" stuff,and made sure he kept bring his son to my attention..

 

I still agree with this WA whole heartily..but now that I gave him / I closure and we still broke NC again I feel like I have given him ammo...he made sure to remind me last week how much we love and care for each other and we can be 'friends forever" agh..I'm kicking the sh*t out of my self right now.

[Walking away]

My heart goes out to all of you who are struggling with NC.

 

I remember those days. There are no words to describe the "rawness" of how you feel.

 

As I sit here, I remember how that felt. But, know this: I made it to the other side. I am still intact and healthy. Shaky, yes. Cautious, yes. But intact.

 

I survived. I know you will too. The women on this board were my lifeline.

 

We will be that for you, too.

 

Peace my friend.

WA

[RealityCheck]

Thanks RC.

 

You are right...it is the lack of control and not wanting to be in the position I was last year with my Ex F.

 

I had said that to MM yesterday...that I am strong-willed, but with him it goes right out the window. That's giving him control over me....damnit!

 

Whatta stupid statement to give someone else control over you.

 

I have the power to give control and take it away.

 

Not stupid! You are far from stupid! You are in pain!

 

When it comes to matter of the heart, it is a verrry slow drawn out process!

 

Remember to just stay busy! When I say this, keep busy with doing great things for yourself! Exercise, pedicure, manicure, massage etc....all those delicious treatments makes a world of difference.

 

I can't even suggest spending time with friends, because for me that was the last thing I needed to do! I know the conversation would have went over my head like a 747!!!

 

Do whatever you need to do for YOURSELF and keep busy!! The more you do for yourself, the better you feel about yourself!

 

Muahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Sami_D]

It takes heroic strength to walk away from someone you care about who cares about you IN RETURN. It goes against every fiber in your heart, I know.

 

 

I absolutely agree with this. It is a heroic struggle to walk away from a love affair, when the MM hasn't been acting badly, and when you both love each other. But as OE says... that is the only way it is going to happen, and we, the OW, need to have faith in ourselves, as the one who MM loves... and leave him to do his stuff, sort himself out, and make his decision.

 

And think of things this way: if he really, truly loved you, he wouldn't WANT you to be in such pain. It would break his heart. He would want you to be happy. No one who REALLY loves would want their love to hurt, right?

 

I disagree with this part, somewhat. It shouldn't be about the MM not wanting you to be hurt. It should all be about you taking responsibility for your own hurt, your own life. No man should be doing anything because the woman he loves 'might be hurt'. I've heard this many times. But a MM, like the OW, and anyone else, should be acting in their OWN best interests and (equally) in the best interests of any children or other dependents. Anything else really IS co-dependency.

[Walking away]

I agree Sami. What I was trying to say was kinda like this:

 

If he loves her,

he needs to let her GO....so the pain for her will eventually stop.

 

 

And, if the MM realizes how much pain she is in for staying, I would think that he would set her free to find love with another if he is not able to provide that to her. He should want her happiness first. That is what I think true love means....

 

Have I clarified it more clearly?

 

BTW....HI!!!!!