Called me stupid many times in front of friends and family. And enjoyed it.

[Candied-Heart]

Last night BF was acting like what I believed to be a jerk toward me in front of his mates and his family.

 

What happened? We were watching a sport he loves but I don't understand and when I asked questions he would look at me as though I was stupid and say things like "It's just not your night tonight" and "These people are going to leave tonight thinking you are so stupid" and "How dumb can you BE?" what added to the hurt was, as a typical male when he is egged on by laughter he continues. I suspect most were laughing out of awkwardness?

The room was tense and I could tell everyone was embarassed to look at either of us, I tried so hard not to show any emotion, making drinks for people and continuing to watch the match.

 

After the people had left he was all 'sweet' to me again which really insulted me, trying to be cute, calling me pet names to get me to warm to him, offerring me a new drink, food and trying to start conversation. I simply said [but know I could have handled it better but I was upset] I wasn't going to be nice to him in private when he was playing up to being an ass to me in public.

A discussion ensued where he said he was just poking fun and everyone does it. I am aware of this but what the problem here is that it feels like [and YES I've told him this many times] he won't try to understand the real issue. That I felt he shouldn't have degraded me so much in front of people he respects and it made me look ridiculous. He seems to have no social conscience.

 

The 'discussion' ended with him saying numerous hurtful comments that are still circling my head now. Leaving me confused and depressed.

He said he doesn't love me anymore, when he said that, I was quiet but I couldn't stop the tears, All I was thinking was, this has come out of nowhere! Because he never talks about problems if they exist!!

 

He then said he didn't care that I was hurt that he said he didn't love me and that's how he knows he doesn't.

I asked him a couple times if it was serious. And how and when this developed. I am so confused by his change of heart.

He said he has gotten tired of me, us, my habits and he then said, I'm sorry but it has made me almost hate you.

 

He asked me to leave so he could have space, and I have.. obviously, but my things are still there, and by that I mean about 60 percent of my wardrobe and various objects.

He said he would call me today, and I am terrified to answer because I think he is just going to say he meant what he said and that I should come get my things.

 

Now that starts a problem for me because I don't know what to do in the event that he didin't mean it last night? do I still forgive it or is that just making myself a doormat for him to say it in future. I believe that the first time in saying something like 'i hate you/i dont love you' welcomes the habit of saying it much easier and I am afraid of that. Also, those are strong words you can't really take back. or am I wrong?

 

What should I be doing? How do I handle this situation.

Everything between us was quite great, though I always tried to get him to communicate because he was never good at that, so talking to him about it is not really possible, he just shuts down and reverts to anger.

Do you think by what has happened that him saying he doesnt love me is a knee jerk reaction to our fight or a true revelation?

 

Someone please help me through this.

 

He will call at any point in the next few hours because I have to work soon.

[RecordProducer]

I think this is a typical example of a low-class, quasi-macho, insecure redneck. He is being a jerk on purpose so he can play with your heart. The feeling of hurting you gives him power over you.

 

His personality sucks big time. Expect him to get back sweeter than ever hoping that you will accept him with open arms. He is "frying you on a pan" now deliberately and later he will deliver the good news to you: he will mercy you and take you back.

 

He is either incapable of loving anyone or doesn't love YOU. No loving man acts like this. Don't let him play with you. Don't answer the phone and if you run onto him, tell him it's over between you two. Be cold, cruel, and untouchable.

 

He will withdraw at first. Then he will chase you. Then he will chase you like crazy the more you resist. Men like him need a challenge. Trust me, the crueler you are to him the more he will love you!!! This is that type of man.

[Buttaflyy]

I'm sorry but you should not be craving his love! Don't do anything in hopes that he will love you again. He already told you that he doesn't and his actions followed suit. He treated you badly because he doesn't feel for you. As much as this hurts, you have to realize this. If you allow him back you will be a doormat to him and allow him to continue mistreating you. He's already disrespected you way too much.

 

You deserve to be with someone who loves and appreciates you. Don't wait on him to call you. Avoid him until you are ready to pick up your things. You have to call the shots now. You already know where he stands.

[Brittanyjean06]

I hope you read all this in time. I hope you read this soon enough not to take your ex back. Actions like that proove that he has no good character. Tendancies of a sociopath and feeds off your pain and loves the power.

 

He degraded you infront of his family, he was not sensitive at all. You have no future with this ASS and should hope that he meant what he said, So you can get out.

 

My ex was the same exact way, they toy with you and humiliate you infront of others for their pleasure, they don't love you. They just love themselves and making you feel like pure crap so they can feel good

 

Man I hope you put this guy through hell, yes show him that you don't give a crap of course he will come crawling back, but do you want to have a push and pull relationship? thats not love, thats toxic love. Get over him!!!!!!

[Candied-Heart]

Didn't see this until after he rang and I answered.

 

He said that he wants to see me in a few days because we have 'a lot to talk about'. I was still confused because I thought it was over. I made it apparent that I thought saying you didn't love someone was the end. He said "Maybe I was just angry?"

 

I don't know what to do. I have to get my things regardless but I am afraid to see him in a few days after he has cooled off.

 

What would be best?

[Outcast]

I believe that the first time in saying something like 'i hate you/i dont love you' welcomes the habit of saying it much easier again

 

You are right, just as him making fun of you in front of others has become a habit. NOBODY, least of all someone who loves you, should treat you with disrespect. Some people think that 'love' means 'taking all the crap I hand out'. It does not. If he loved you, he would not treat you like a piece of dirt.

 

Of course he's saying he wants you back today now he's all alone and probably horny and bored. You're his amusement when he's got nothing to do - but he throws you under the bus when others are around to entertain him.

 

Drop the loser - no matter how much he begs or what excuses he comes up with - and find a man who treats you with respect.

[RecordProducer]

Didn't see this until after he rang and I answered.

Perhaps it was too late when you saw our responses, but when you ask questions like this:

 

What would be best?

I see that our advice was also futile.

[Guest]

The other posters here gave you excellent advice. Please heed it.

 

This guy is cruel, insensitive, selfish and a jerk.

 

I'm not sure why you're confused about what to do!!!!!!

 

I would cringe if I saw one of my friends being treated like that! He called you STUPID in front of people?

 

Sorry, but for me that's a dealbreaker. There is NO excuse. He said he doesn't love you anymore? Watched you cry and didn't react?

 

Hon, he DOES NOT love you. He seems to enjoy controlling and manipulating you and hurting you.

 

When you talk to him on the phone next I'd suggest

 

* Be as cold as ice. Show no emotion.

 

* No matter what he says, simply state.. 'When can I get my things?'

 

* If he breaks down, cries or pleads then add, 'You know, I guess I don't love you because I'm not feeling anything for you right now'

 

 

 

That's what he deserves!

[Candied-Heart]

Perhaps it was too late when you saw our responses, but when you ask questions like this:

 

I see that our advice was also futile.

 

Lol. Whilst I appreciate everyone's advice [or else I wouldn't have come here for it] I also feel that anyone here requesting advice can opt to either utilise any/none/all of it that they want at their discretion, being that they are the one present in the relationship, there is generally more involved with the person asking the advice. I love how people get cut up that I didn't use every bit of their advice like it is all it is there for, I am sure you haven't led a perfectly pristine relationship track record and you've surely made bad calls even when sup[posedly warned. Something about only being able to learn the lesson once you've experienced the heartache?

Whatever I CHOOSE to do is completely my own risk. As such - I have not decided what to do yet.

 

It is always far easier for someone not involved to say someone doesn't love someone/is manipulating/abusing etc when they see one or two posts and nothing else of the 18 month relationship that was otherwise pretty wonderful. This behaviour was out of character hence my confusion and upset.

 

Updating the current situation, I have since talked to him again.. he contacted me and opened up more - he said he has always loved me and that he had a lot of regret for saying he didn't, he doesn't want to end us and knows he needs to find a better way to control his anger or whatever it may be where unjustified.. [like you'd believe it anyhow, not that I must justify this to anyone here.]

 

As I said I have not decided what to do and to be quite frank whilst I am taking everything said here into high account, you may well be right and he may be a 'pig', I have to trust my own judgement of him, myself, the relationship and whather anything can or will change, and etc. So still weighing it up.

 

Complaining your attempts were 'futile' proves your intentions whilst good, are also misunderstood as to a persons 'rights' as such to post for advice. People don't post to be told what to do and "that's the only way about it", they like to gain perspectives. I think a lot of people here on LS are way to quick to label peoples SOs after a bad fight or break up with psychosis' and brand them as losers or freaks, perhaps this is why they too have relationship issues....

[Guest]

You're right, but please remember that you provided us here with the information and then BASED ON THAT INFO asked us what we thought you should do.

 

 

Certainly, if there's another side to the man, you didn't describe it.

 

 

By the way, too many women are quick to defend men who abuse them. Just be mindful of that, hon.

[Candied-Heart]

All good. I thought I kind of made reference to our relationship being fine by me apart from that incident on the weekend. I didn't want to have to post all about how lollipops and sunshine we are, seems kind of pointless when you are requiring advice about the bad.

 

PS. I'm not being abused. I'm not an idiot and resent the allusion that I'm defending an abusive man in which he is not. If he were to call me stupid regularly, or even any other time than the first [and I suspect ONLY time] this past weekend, I would probably look at putting him in that category.

 

This is why I was confused, there has been no signs of abuse which is why I tend to give him benefit of the doubt, usually he is very supportive and loving. If that changed after this [if I choose to stay] I would definitely be out. I don't know if it were even that he acted in an unusual way because he is under stress at work and was having a bad couple of days over the weekend -- Not that that's any kind of defense. What he said was wrong, hence why I'm puzzled as to what to do..

[RecordProducer]

The reason why I used this semi-comical tone in my post is because you stated that you saw our responses too late (implying that you WOULD HAVE followed the advice given to you) and one paragraph later asked what you should do. The point was: the same as what you THINK you were supposed to do had you read the replies earlier.

 

I am certainly not saying you should do what people here tell you to do, but when you ask the same question again after getting replies, it means you didn't like our answers. So ignore them or comment them as not applicable, but I don't think we can come up with new replies basing on the same information and same question.

 

How you described your whole relationship is:

 

Everything between us was quite great, though I always tried to get him to communicate because he was never good at that, so talking to him about it is not really possible, he just shuts down and reverts to anger.

 

 

Besides, I didn't advise you to leave him; I told you how to act with him and what results such behavior would yield. Telling him that it's over and then being merciless to him until he realizes that he can't play with you and humiliate you in front of other people was what I suggested. You just show him that you will tolerate incidents like this in the future and deal with them with tears. He gets angry, calls you stupid, you cry, he calls you, and everything is cool.

 

When someone calls you names in front of his friends - it's abuse. There is probably no relationship in this world that has gone without some name-calling at given times, but doing it before audience is unacceptable. You can accept it or not. You don't have to ditch him forever in order to teach him a lesson. You can ditch him temporarily (without him knowing that it's not forever) and make him realize his mistakes on his own back.

 

What happened is: he realizes that you didn't like it how he treated you and instead of apologizing and/or letting you nag and pump your rights about it, he makes you feel miserable and tells you he doesn't love you just so he can be in a position where you don't care about him calling you stupid anymore, but only care about him taking you back. It's emotional blackmail that he used to cowardly get away with his behavior.

 

Whatever you choose to do, you must be determined in your decision to not put up with such insults in front of other people anymore - and let him know that.

 

Of course, you don't have to, but it would be better for both your self-respect and his respect for you.

[Candied-Heart]

What happened is: he realizes that you didn't like it how he treated you and instead of apologizing and/or letting you nag and pump your rights about it, he makes you feel miserable and tells you he doesn't love you just

so

he can be in a position where you don't care about him calling you stupid anymore, but only care about him taking you back.

 

I hardly think that he purposefully did anything of the sort. That is psychotic and as shown previously, I have strong belief that he doesn't have a mind that works that way. I think at most he sometimes doesn't think properly and sometimes thinks out loud. Of course, he overreacted in thought anyhow, just because I didn't get a point to a game is no reason to think I am stupid. But that's a message I need to get through to him by whichever medium I can.. and ensure that he respects me, otherwise it will be over.

 

Having this belief, is why I was confused and asked what I should do knowing that he is not a sociopath or a manipulator. I didn't feel he was purposefully 'abusing' me but everyone seems to think I am a victim [when he said I was acting stupid, one one occasion] and that it is an ongoing thing. I was merely trying to get the point through that it is not like he has ever done this before and I am the only one to blame 'because I stay'.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think any manipulator writes down a course of actions to implement. I believe they do it instinctively as an animal runs away from an enemy or runs toward food.

[Outcast]

If it's a one-time thing, give him one more chance. The whole point of confession and absolution in Catholicism is that a person who is truly sorry and repents will NEVER do the thing again. So tell him that once better be the last time. But make it stick.

 

Once might be some sort of anomaly. I know one couple in which the man hit the woman. Once. Didn't break anything or draw blood but hit. She gave him one chance - said if it ever happened again she was gone. He never laid a finger on her again.

 

See, your thread is entitled 'called me stupid MANY times' so you made it sound like a regular thing.

[Guest]

See, I was confused by your title too....it sounded like this has happened before.

 

The only indication that things are usually 'great' between you was this sentence where you added..

 

"Everything between us was quite great, though I always tried to get him to communicate because he was never good at that, so talking to him about it is not really possible, he just shuts down and reverts to anger"

 

 

 

 

If he has trouble communicating and gets angry when you TRY to communicate....something is seriously wrong here.