Are We Through?

[Walk]

I understand where you're coming from... and I'm all for giving space and time, but there's a line you have to draw. There are times when meeting someone isn't the right time. It seems that this is one of those relationships. If you subjugate yourself to his desire for space, then all you're doing is harming yourself and making him feel guilty for hurting you. You aren't creating well wishes and happy thoughts. The more he hears about how depressed you are, and how you're not eating, the less likely he will be to call you. The reason he enjoyed your company was because you were alive. If he'd met you moping around and hang doggin' all the time, he wouldn't have wanted to date you.

 

Place yourself on the other side... you tell a guy you need time to sort through your life and then you hear how dejected he is, how he's depressed, won't eat, is wasting away as far as you know... you might feel sympathy, a lot of guilt, and probably pity. If you want to evoke those types of feelings, then you're fine. But you probably don't have any desire to date the person again, or contact them.

 

I think you need a figurative kick in the pants. Life was meant to be lived. If he chooses to become a part of your life again, then it will be because you are actually living your life. But I'm hard pressed to find an example of a someone being drawn to someone else because of their depressive personality and dark mood. (at least not in healthy relationships)

 

Live your life. If you need a final word with him before you feel free to move forward, then talk to him. Force the issue one time and get it all out in the open. I know I needed time after my divorce, but I would NEVER have wanted to cause someone so much pain. The most enticing thing about some people is happiness. Their joy of life. Smiling, laughing, embracing life. One of the worst is depression, and melancholy.

 

At the very least, have your mother tell him you are doing fine, and that you're happy now. Maybe even so far as to say you're back out in the real world again and meeting new people.

[prrthd1]

I know where you're coming from, Walk, and that's why I told my mom she should have never told him I was taking things so hard. I have told her when she sees him again, not to bring the subject up unless he asks and then only to tell him that I'm doing good.

 

He always said that the reason he likes me so much is because I smile all the time. When we would hang up the phone with each other, his last words were always "keep smilin'." I want him to see me in that way and know what he is missing.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that I want to try again with him. I just want to do whatever would be best in order to get that to happen - whether that is contacting him or not.

[JCD]

Your story reminds me of mine and I was such an idiot for wasting my time waiting for her to come back. Never happened and I will never ever do it again if only for my own sanity. He simply doesn't dig you anymore so no matter how wonderful your times were (mine were the best I had in years as well), you have to let them go. It's going to hurt like hell but time will allow you to heal. Go out and find new relationships with better guys. I still see my ex-girl at work and I just don't care about her mind games anymore. My happiness drives her crazy I think.

[purspeed]

I know where you're coming from, Walk, and that's why I told my mom she should have never told him I was taking things so hard. I have told her when she sees him again, not to bring the subject up unless he asks and then only to tell him that I'm doing good.

 

He always said that the reason he likes me so much is because I smile all the time. When we would hang up the phone with each other, his last words were always "keep smilin'." I want him to see me in that way and know what he is missing.

 

I have no doubt in my mind that I want to try again with him. I just want to do whatever would be best in order to get that to happen - whether that is contacting him or not.

 

Then look up Homer McDonald and his work called, "Stop Your Divorce".

[Walk]

So, I'm flipping through some of the sites relating to that book, and skimming along....

 

I agree. There are some good ideas in there. Sounds like it'd be a great book to read.

[prrthd1]

I will check into the book. I want to give it another try, even though I know the probable outcome will be me getting hurt again. But there is the chance that he will come back and we will live happily ever after. I'm more willing to wait a little while for something wonderful than to live with "what if" for the rest of my life.

 

We had a girls day today and I talked with some of my friends that know him and the situation, and they all seem to feel that he got scared because things were moving so fast. Also, one of the girls seems to think that something drastic happened financially and that is why he backed away. She says he knows he can't take me out or buy me things, send me flowers, etc. right now and that hurt his ego. The thing is, I don't need stuff like that for him to keep me interested. I want to date him, not his wallet.

 

Am I just being stupid though, thinking he might call after three weeks? From your experiences and those of other you know, how long have your/their breaks lasted?

[purspeed]

Read the book, prrthd1. That book contains all the answers you need for this scenario and all others.

[prrthd1]

Well, my mom talked to M today. She said she did not bring up the situation, but he asked her how I was and she told him I was doing good.

 

To be honest, I was hoping he would elaborate a little more or give her an idea about when he might contact me, but he said nothing else. She said he had someone at his desk, so that may be why he didn't say anything else.

 

I'm really disappointed, but he did tell her that he would come by work and get my car next week to fix a couple of dings. Should I be there when he does, or go hide in the back? I know that probably sounds immature, but I don't know if I can take seeing him and keeping it to small talk when we have bigger issues to discuss.

[Walk]

I really want this to work for you, and for him to pull his head out of his butt and come talk to you... but I don't think it's going to happen.

 

From experience, he will NOT initiate a conversation with you.

 

A person who wants to be with you, who wants to see you in their life, will still keep in touch. Doesn't mean that you'd see them and talk to them every day or every other day... but at least once during the week. I don't think he wants to continue seeing you, and he doesn't want to end it with you because of all the ties he has with you and your family. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy. He doesn't want to break your heart, or let you and your family down, but he doesnt' want to be with you in that way. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he doesn't want to be with you in that way.

 

I think the best thing you could do right now is let him off the hook. He'll continue to avoid you if you don't. The best chance you have right now of ever having a possibility of getting back together again is to let him go. Let him know that you realize he doesn't want to date you and that you're going to start your life again. That you're ok going back to being friends if he'd like. Don't talk about the "issues", don't make him open up to you. Don't make him discuss anything. Just tell him you enjoy his friendship, you wish him the best, and if he wants to hang out as friends to give you a call. There's too much pressure on him to go straight back into a full blown relationship with you. Too much pressure in having to spill all his emotions and problems to after not talking to you for nearly a month. He won't talk to you, or call you unless you take that pressure off of him.

 

Not to mention, he probably assumes you're pissed at him for not talking to you in so long.

 

Talk to him. Tell him he's free, and that you'd like to stay friends if possible. Take the pressure off him, and he might feel free to talk to you again as friends. But if you leave it as is... he won't ever talk to you.

 

p.s. I'm saying the above from experience... However, you had said you've known him for a long time prior to dating him. You know him best. But I think you do need to take into consideration that he is feeling a lot of unintentional pressure from you. Take what you know of him, and try to see the situation as clearly as possible. Then decide what the best course of action for you may be.

[prrthd1]

Thanks for another response Walk! I think you have some valid points. However, I don't think that I've put any pressure on him since the split because I haven't tried to contact him or anything. It would be different if I was calling him ten times a day or something, but I haven't dialed his number since I left his office that day. True, my mom has talked to him, but he knew that was going to happen. It has crossed my mind that he doesn't want to date me any more but he just doesn't have the b*lls to put a final end to it because of the ties to my family and my ties to his. But, I don't think another girl is the reason and here's why:

 

His aunt came into my office today. I used to see her a couple of times a week when we were dating. I would sit with her and his mom at his ballgames. She said she wondered where I had been the past few games, but she had no idea that we were taking a break. She asked what happened and I told her that he just said he needed to slow down and think. She said she knew after his divorce he was big on not getting serious for a while, but she was shocked because she thought we were such a cute couple and things seemed to be going so well.

 

So, obviously if she didn't know about us, he is not bringing another girl around nor is he spreading the word that we're not together. She told me they had a game tonight and I told her to tell everybody hi for me. Like I said, she sits with his mom so I know she will tell her she saw me and how much I liked him and his family. So, his mom won't forget that I exist even if he does.

[Walk]

Thanks for another response Walk! I think you have some valid points. However, I don't think that I've put any pressure on him since the split because I haven't tried to contact him or anything. It would be different if I was calling him ten times a day or something, but I haven't dialed his number since I left his office that day. True, my mom has talked to him, but he knew that was going to happen.

 

I didn't mean in a physical sense of putting pressure on him. More like... you know when you feel guilty for something, and it causes you to avoid talking to someone. Maybe you've never felt that way... And I have no clue if your guy would feel that way either. But... There have been instances in my past where I have not contacted people I like back because I felt that I had hurt them, or I felt guilty for not keeping in touch with them. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure if they were upset, or hurt, or angry... so I never contacted them again. And after a while, they became a part of my past.

 

I didn't mean to imply you were hounding him or anything. You've been amazingly restrained during all this. I'm not sure I would've been able to hold out nearly a month. I probably would've cornered him by now and forced him to talk to me.

 

Anyway... Since you said to tell everyone "hi" and you never gave any indication of resentment or anything when talking about him, then I'm sure that information will be passed on to him. That was probably enough to ease any pressure he may have felt.

[Chinook]

Um, this happened to me.

 

What he's doing is called a "fade" and he's flaked.

 

I'm afraid you need to end it for him because he's never going to give you an answer either way. Meanwhile he's putting on the 'scared to live life' scenario. If things were going so great for him why did he need a break..? I'm sorry it's harsh but it doesn't seem to me like you're getting your answer. If I were you I would march right over there and tell him he's had long enough and you want an answer right now.

 

Edited to add: In addition to the above, if he avoids and evades you long enough so that you make the decision for him... then he gets to be the wounded soldier too. He gets to blame you despite how cruelly he's treating you right now.

[prrthd1]

CHINOOK: I know what you're saying - the way things look right now, I might have to be the one to end it. But, I don't want it to end yet and I have to know without a doubt that that is what I want before I do it. When I get to that point, I will tell him to give me an answer.

 

WALK: I know what you mean about feeling guilty about not contacting someone. I have a couple of friends that I have slowly grown apart from but there are times when I should have called them that I didn't. That only leads to guilt and embarassment on my side, which in turn leads to us growing even further apart.

 

I hope his aunt passes the message on to his mom and it gets back to him as well. That way they will know I haven't forgotten them and I am thinking of them. And you're right, maybe that will make him feel a little better about the situation.

[prrthd1]

My internet has been down since Thursday night, so I haven’t posted since then; but, some things have happened so I thought I’d provide an update.

 

First of all, I saw him yesterday for the first time in 4 weeks. I had to take my car in for service. When I dropped it off, I didn’t see him around anywhere. My mom picked me up and we drove around the building to leave and he was standing out there on his cell phone. He waved and I waved back, but we didn’t stop or anything.

 

I went back a little while later to pick it up. When I walked in I saw him standing at reception, but his back was to me and there a few tall plants around there and I don’t think he saw me. I went on back to where you have to pick the car up, and I had to wait there for a few minutes. I saw him come into the next room and talk to his boss. The room I was in has glass walls, but there are displays up and stickers on the glass, so I’m not sure if he saw me then or not. He finished talking to his boss and went back toward his office. His boss came through and saw me and talked to me for a few minutes. Then I got my keys and walked back toward the front door to leave. At this point, he was standing in the reception area again. As I got almost to the door, he turned and started walking in my direction. I don’t think he would have seen me (or didn’t want to) but I was like “Hey.” He turned and said “Hey” and walked over to where I was. I opened the door and looked to see where my car was parked. I went on out and he said he was going that way too so he would walk with me. He started talking about business stuff and a sale that he had going on, etc. When we reached my car, he said that my mom mentioned me bringing it in to get the dings fixed this week. I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about and told him I wasn’t going to worry about it. (Don’t want him to know that I know my mom has talked to him). We talked about that for a second and he said “Well, it’s good to see you. Tell your mom hi.” Then I got in the car and he walked off.

 

THAT WAS IT! Four weeks ago, he was looking at me naked everyday and he just treated me like I was his best little customer. I know he had people in his office and we couldn’t really talk about anything at work, but I felt he should have said something more than that.

 

So, forward to last night. My cousin/best friend is house sitting this week five condos up from his. I met her there yesterday afternoon and we went out shopping and stuff. We came back in around 8:30 last night and he still wasn’t home. We went back out about 9:15 and his car was there. I had already decided since I was going to be five doors up from him all week this would be a good time for us to get together and talk.

 

So, I called him about 10:00. I just knew he wasn’t going to answer, so I already had recited the message I was going to leave. But, he answered on the 2nd ring. I said “Hey” and asked him what was happening. He said he was watching tv with his daughter. ( I heard her in the background, so he wasn’t lying about that). I asked him if had seen my car parked five doors up and he said he didn’t. I told him that I needed to talk to him, but since he had her I would let him go and he could just call me later if that was ok. He said “Ok.” I said “I’m sorry to bother you” and he said “You’re alright.” We said bye and that was it.

 

So, I know I probably shouldn’t have called, but my gut feeling is that it is time for us to talk. Since I had the guts to make the first call, I’m hoping he will at least call back. I am going to say that I am willing to give him more time if that is what he needs, and that if it is over then that is fine, but either way there are things I need to say to him. It would be different if the chances were that we would never see each other again, but knowing that I will have contact with him and his family, I can’t leave it unresolved.

[Walk]

When you do talk to him... It might be good to think through not only what you want to say to him, but what you think the responses might be. Kind of prepare yourself for best and worst cases and think about how you might respond to the "worst" case scenario. What your want the outcome to be.

 

Obviously you want to have things the way they were. But I think you need to acknowledge that it won't be, and that he probably isn't going to tell you anything that will make you happy about the way things went. It might help you to kind of role play the worst case scenario so you can prepare yourself if it does happen.

 

What do you want to say to him? What are important points do you want him to know?

 

If he won't give a yes or no, but only gives vague someday's, what direction will you take? Will you go along with that, or make a decision for him if he won't?

 

How will you handle it if he isn't able to ever give you an answer to anything?

[prrthd1]

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY! Actually, it’s the best day I’ve had since all of this started. Why? Because I saw him three times today. He couldn’t have been any nicer. He was smiling and making jokes (our inside jokes, I might add). Anyways, I’ll try to make all this as short as possible.

 

Like I said, I am house sitting five condos up from his, and I’ve been doing really good at fighting the urge to spy. When I left for work this morning, I noticed that his car was already gone, so I knew that he had seen mine b/c it stands out. Well, I had to run home about 11:00 to pick up something and my mom called shortly after and said that he had come to pick my car up. I had no idea he was coming to get it then. He had mentioned it to my mom last week, but I assumed he would “forget” or at least call before he came like he usually does. Mom told him I ran home for a minute but we could bring it when I got back. He said he would just wait for me. He was sitting there when I walked in and he smiled as soon he saw me. We walked outside so I could show him what needed to be fixed. He said he would get it back to me ASAP b/c he knows how I like to leave work at like 1:00. (One of our jokes – I actually don’t usually get off until 3 or 4, but he always made fun of me b/c he says I never work and still get paid).

 

Ok, so he brings it back as soon as I get back from lunch. He was saying stuff like “Was that fast enough for you?” We all talked for a few minutes and then walked back outside to look at the car. My mom was out there at first, but she went inside trying to give us the opportunity to talk. We did a couple more things to the car and we were friendly with each other. We got done and I told him thanks and I walked to the door and he said “Cya.” When I got back inside I just started balling b/c I couldn’t believe that I had let the opportunity pass to say something. I just couldn’t get up the courage.

 

About 30 minutes later, I realized that I forgot to pay him for getting the car fixed. I didn’t think about it b/c I usually pay when I pick it up or he brings the bill with him when he comes. So, I called him back and said I completely forgot to give him any money. He said for me just to run it over there and page him when I got there. When I got there and handed him the money, I apologized for forgetting to even ask what I owed. He said that was ok, he would’ve taken care of it but he only had a couple dollars.

 

He then walked with me out to my car. I asked him how his daughter and parents were. He told me he had heard about my brother and how great he did in his baseball tournament. I got ready to leave and he said “I’ll come and pick your car up again when they have time to get to the tires. Holler at me if you need anything else.” I said ok and thanks and all of that.

 

Then I said “I know you have your daughter all of this week, but when you get some time there are things that I need to tell you.”

 

He said, “Does that mean I’m in trouble?”

 

I said, “No, they’re good things, but just things I think you should know.”

 

He said, “Ok. I’ll holler at you.”

 

Maybe I’m getting a little too excited, but at least now we have seen each other, the tension has eased, and I have made it clear that I want to talk to him. I also find it odd that his attitude is so much different than it was Monday. He was kind of short and talked only business then. Today he seemed to smile all the time and was a lot more relaxed. I don’t know if maybe he expected me to go off and be mad and now that he sees that I am not going to do that, he is open for conversation.

[prrthd1]

I don't expect him to call until next week (if he does at all), but I am still feeling pretty good after what happened the other day.

 

Am I reading too much into it? Getting excited for nothing?

[prrthd1]

Any thoughts on why his attitude changed so quickly? Am I reading too much into it?

[Walk]

I just wanted to say that I hope he calls you, and you two can talk soon.

 

I couldnt' guess why he was acting how he was 4 days ago. Could be a lot of different reasons. Any guess would be a shot in the dark on why.

 

I hope it turns out well for you.

[prrthd1]

Thanks, Walk. I haven't heard from him yet, but I'm not sure when his ex-wife is coming back, so I don't know if he still has his daughter or not. I think he will call this time, though. He said he was gonna get my car when they could do the tires, so that mean he plans on seeing me again some time soon. He also said to call if I need anything else.

 

I just wish I knew why he was "back to normal" Wednesday. Either he has decided that it's over, but sees that I'm not going to be a b*tch - or he wants to get back together. I can't think of any other reasons to explain it.

 

The "Am I in trouble?" comment keeps playing over and over in my mind as well. I just don't know what that's supposed to mean.