prrthd1 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 The last time I posted I was in a bit of a sticky situation with someone who I finally realized was never going to commit to anything more than friendship, so I finally decided to move on. About 2 months ago I started dating someone new (we actually started talking about 3 months ago). I've known this man for about 5 years as a family acquaintance, but he just divorced about 8 months ago. He is a few years older than me and has a toddler. Everything has been close to perfect since we started dating. He treats me like a queen and I'm crazy about him. Everything just seemed to fall into place with our families, etc. I love his parents and have spent time with them and his child many times over the past few weeks. He says he feels the same about my family. He was pretty good friends with my mom before we started dating. Then, everything changed this past weekend. I saw him on Friday but when I hadn't heard from him by Sunday night I tried to call him and got no answer. I left a message and tried again all day Monday, but never got a call back, which is really unusual. I finally visited him at work on Tuesday and he immediately started explaining. He said that he wasn't ignoring me but he's just trying to slow down. He said he has a lot of stuff going on right now and he needs to think some things over and get his head on straight. He never said the words "break-up," he just said he'll give me a call when he gets some things straightened out. I was really upset, but I didn't let him see that. He hugged me and said he would call me. My mom talked to him later that night (they talk on a regular basis) and he told her he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. He said things had been moving really fast and he had so much going on right now. He told her I was " a good girl and he wanted to do right by me." She evidently asked him if it was the end of us and he told her no, he's not going anywhere and that everything would be fine. So, I guess my question is - do I believe the stuff he told my mom? I have no problem giving time to figure things out, but I don't want to sit around waiting on him for two months when he's only going to break up with me then. He knows a lot of my family and sees them on a regular basis, so I don't he would have even risked dating me if was going to be a jerk about anything. My gut tells me that things were just moving too fast and with him being divorced less than a year, he doesn't want to jump too deep into anything yet. What do you all think?! Are we still together and taking a break? Or is this his way of dumping me without being to harsh?
Author prrthd1 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 I forgot to mention in my first post that he had given me a key to his house a few weeks ago. He didn't mention me giving it back when I visited him at work and I actually forgot about it until about ten minutes after I left. I called him right away and said I needed to give that back to him along with some of his other stuff. He didn't seem overly concerned about getting it back and I just offered to bring it by work some time and he said that was fine. At the time I offered to bring it back, I was thinking this was more of a break-up even though he didn't say those words. After he talked to my mom, I thought of it as more of a break. My mom says I should just hang on to his stuff until I know the outcome or he asks for it back - that it would look like I wanted it to end if I give everything back. What do ya'll think????
AriaIncognito Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 It sounds to me like you have some thinking to do. You need to decide, for yourself, if you're willing to wait for this man. If you are, then by all means, do so and risk the potential that he could come out the other side not wanting a relationship. If you don't want to wait, then move on, try to find someone else to date, and if he comes back, well then you'd have a decision to make again, but if he doesn't, you certainly weren't sitting around waiting. I've been waiting for 5 months for mine to turn around. We broke up this week. So, my opinion on the whole "waiting to clear my head" thing, could be a tad biased. Jennifer
Author prrthd1 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 I have no problem waiting for him to think about things and clear his head. I REALLY like him and I think we may have something special. Like I said, everything sort of fell into place perfectly with our families, his daughter liking me, etc. But, he had only been divorced six months when we started dating so he probably didn't expect something like this to happen so soon. He told my mom he just needed a couple of weeks to regroup. However, when I asked him whether he was thinking in terms of weeks or months and he said he didn't know. My birthday is coming up next weekend and we had already made plans for that. I know those are out the window, but I'm anxious to see if he at least calls me.
Bullgator Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 This one's hard to call at this point. How he handles your birthday may provide a clue about whether he's working "toward" you or already moved on.
Bullgator Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Oh, I forgot to ask. Any chance his ex is back in the picture? It seems unlikely that he would have started something with a *new* person while you and he were doing so well. But the return of an *old* love could have caused him to cool it with you.
AriaIncognito Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 I have no problem waiting for him to think about things and clear his head. I REALLY like him and I think we may have something special. I was the same way. I wanted nothing more than to just wait it out so that he'd come to the decision I longed for. However I waited, and he never did. I just would be cautious, if i were you, cuz I really thought we had something special too, and I loved him. Jennifer
Author prrthd1 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 I am 100% sure that he is not harboring any feelings for his ex-wife. He doesn't speak of her very highly at all, but they do maintain a civil relationship because they have a child together. I also happen to know his ex-wife and I know that their divorce had been coming for a long time. I did, however, ask him if it was another girl and he said no and I believe him. I know that he was seeing someone else (not seriously) when we started talking and he wouldn't ask me out until she was completely out of the picture. I also don't think he would go out with someone else until we officially broke up. We just know too many of the same people for him to be able to able to openly see someone else. For right now, I'm going on what he told my mom. Like I said, they have known each other pretty well for several years. I know he trusts her and he has confided in her about things he hasn't even told me. I'm pretty sure that he won't leave me hanging for months. He is a genuinely nice, caring person and I don't think he would do anything to intentionally hurt me. He told her it wasn't the end and they were even talking about future happenings. I just hope that this is really what he says it is and it will all be ok like he said. I will see his cousin tomorrow, so I will post back when I know what she has to say.
nicki Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Yeah, this is tricky. He could be scared and need some time before coming back and commiting to you....or there could be someone else....or he wants to be free and date others...or he wants to break up and is too chicken sh#t to do it...or he could simply need to slow down and regroup....only he knows. It would be nice for him to give you a better clue about what's going on. If it were me, I would talk to him and calmly ask him what's going on his head, that whatever it is, it's okay....then listen.... Tell him how you feel, that you like him very much. Tell him he can have all the space he wants. Ask him if he wants you both to date others during this time...you need to know the boundaries. Please don't promise not to date others if he says he is going to. Even if you don't, let him wonder. Most guys go crazy wondering if another guy is in the picture. Then I'd be very cool. I would back off, give him his space. Don't call him. Be nice if he calls, but only talk for a few minutes because you heading out the door. Be vague if he asks what you are doing. You don't owe him the same disclosure if you are "on break." Make sure you don't act like you are still his girlfriend during break time. You know, rushing to his side when he is sick, long conversations, etc. He has to earn all of that. Let him miss what you all have. BUT, be very nice, calm and humorous when he calls. Be honest, too, just not emotional. You know, joke around in a funny or sweet way if he asks if you miss him. Now, if you are truly miserable, then avoid his calls, and turn to your friends for comfort -- not him. Good luck. I know you must be hurting. It will be okay, however it turns out. Until then, keep yourself busy with friends, classes, work, whatever. Just my 2 cents. Do whatever feels right to you.
Author prrthd1 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Thanks for the responses, guys. I don't know if I mentioned it in my previous posts, but I haven't seen him or talked to him since Tuesday when he told me that he needed some time. He just said he would call me when he got things figured out. I don't want to seem clingy, etc. by calling him before then. I think it would be better if I leave him be and let him make the next move. Plus, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," as they say. I don't think he is going to forget I exist as we work two buildings down from each other and he told me he looks to see if my car is there as he passes my office every morning. Before I left his office Tuesday I told him that really liked him and his family and that I would miss not seeing him. He just stared into my eyes for a really long time like he always does, gave me a hug, and said he would call. I should have asked about dating others, etc. but I didn't. I tried to get him to give me a time frame but he couldn't. I did say "What should I do?," implying should I go out with someone else if the opportunity comes up, but he just said "give me some time." Also, he knows that my ex-boyfriend lives across the street from me and that I see him almost daily. I just wonder if he is worried about that??
Walk Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Sounds like your on the right track with not contacting him or hounding him since he asked for the break. I know after I got my divorce ti took me a long time to get my head on straight. My exH and I had been "done" a long while before the divorce was finalized, but it was still incredibly traumatic and emotionally confusing time for me. Not that I wanted him back or anything. But suddenly your whole world is different and it seems like nothing has any firm ground any more. Its really disorienting. I felt really guilty about dating someone during that time. Not that I didn't really like the guy I was dating, but I felt guilty that he seemed to get the brunt of my confusion and emotions. So I backed way off from him for a long while. I had just needed some time to clear the ex out of my head, begin to rediscover who I (as an individual) was again. FIgure out what I wanted in life, and what my goals were. Because I was so used to thinking in terms of "we". Suddenly it was "me". And it took a long time to figure out who "me" was without the "we". My advice... if you REALLY like this guy. Be there for him if he asks, but give him the space to discover who he is as an individual again. It takes time for that. Have fun with him, try to keep things as unpressured as possible, and realize that he's still dealing with an immense amount of stress from the divorce. Try to be supportive. Its one of those 'confucious say' things, if you love him then help him in growing into a better person, but help him even if it doesn't benefit you in the long run. Don't do this for selfish reasons. If you find you want more from him then he's able to give, then it might not be right of you to ask. So decide if you want to help him because you love this man, or if you are doing it because you want something from him that he may not be able to provide you.
Vertex Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I just want to say, although it may not apply now, don't always expect that the ex is an impossibility. Sometimes people flock to others despite saying awful things about them. Lust over logic, I suppose. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Author prrthd1 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Like I said, I am almost 100% sure that he isn't having feelings for his ex-wife. What I think (and hope) is going on is that things were just moving way too fast and that with him being newly single, he needs to decide whether he wants to get into another serious relationship right now. I know we both are to blame for the speed at which things were progressing, but he was already talking about us building a house, Christmas presents, etc. after only a few weeks of dating. I tended to brush off his comments about stuff like that because I was thinking to myself that he was getting a little ahead of himself. He said he tends to start off like a bull out of the shoot and then has to remind himself to slow down a little. I did talk to his cousin today and she said she saw him Friday and she asked about me and he said "oh, we're taking a little break right now." I guess this could be a good or bad response - I don't know how to take it.
Author prrthd1 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 What do you all think - should I send my mom to give him the one thing of his that I have that he might need before he "figures things out"? I really do think he will need it (and I want to stay away for now), but of course I want to see if he says anything to her. If not, what is a reasonable amount of time to wait and call him to see if he is thinking breakup / dating other people or not?
Author prrthd1 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I hadn't brought it up before now, but there seem to be a few other threads mentioning the sex too soon issue. I started dating this guy on Friday and we started having sex the next Wednesday, which was our 5th time hanging out together. The sex was great and it became a frequent happening over the next few weeks. He sure did act like he enjoyed it too! It wasn't only me instigating it. However, is it possible I jumped into his bed too soon? Would he have let that go on for a few weeks and then get scared that it happened too fast? This is not typical behavior for me and I think he knows that. The chemistry was just really strong if you know what I mean!
Author prrthd1 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Well, it has been one week today since he said he needed a break and I haven't talked to him since. I just hope he is missing me as much as I miss him. Still, I think it's best if I leave it up to him to call. I am still thinking of sending my mom to take something to him tomorrow at work. Will it be obvious or is it a good idea to see how things are progressing?
Author prrthd1 Posted July 2, 2006 Author Posted July 2, 2006 Well, the situation still isn't looking good. I still haven't talked to him. My mom talked to him twice this week. The first time, he asked how I was and she told him I wasn't taking this well and that I was depressed, not eating, etc. He said that made him feel really bad. She told him I just needed to know what happened and if this was the end or not. He said he couldn't promise anything because he just didn't know. The second time she actually saw him and he asked her if I had eaten yet. She said he had a sad look on his face and called himself a low-life scumbag. He told her it would be ok in the end - whatever that means. That was Wednesday and he told her then that he was going to call me and he still hasn't. Today is my birthday and I really thought this would be the day he called, but he didn't. He knew when my birthday was and had even discussed plans with my mom. The two weeks before all this happened he was asking me what I wanted everyday. I know he didn't forget. I don't know how much more I can take. Should I wait a couple more days and then call him? Or is this considered chasing him down?
Author prrthd1 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Posted July 9, 2006 Well, it is day 18 of no contact with him. I have my good days and bad, but the weekends are harder. I went to a party last night and had a couple of guys expressed interest in seeing me, but I just can't start dating someone else until I know what the outcome of this situation will be. I really like this guy and want our relationship to continue. I'm not going to wait on him forever, but I have to wait to hear something from him. Is 18 days a normal amount of time for a man to break? How long does this usually last? Or is this a definite sign that it is over?
AriaIncognito Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 There is no "normal" amount of anything, when it comes to a break. Usually, breaks result in break ups. Personally, I've been on a few breaks, and well, while we did temporarily get back together, I'm single now, so you know they didn't last for good. Your best bet is to continue with the no contact, when you break it, you only end up hurting yourself more. I'm currently trying no contact yet again with my current ex. We broke up a few weeks ago, had contact 3 times since then, but I know it does me no good, so I've got to not initiate with him again. It's been 5 days now since I last initiated, and I'm hoping I stay strong and don't contact him for more. In any event, it sounds like your guy doesn't know what he wants, and it's not fair to you to have to wait around. I know you want to. My guy didn't know what he wanted either. And it wasn't fair to me to be waiting around. We both just need to do what we can, pick up the pieces, and move forward to find happiness elsewhere... Good luck. Jennifer
Author prrthd1 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Thanks for the response, ariawoman! The problem with zero contact is that my business does business with his on a regular basis. I haven't had to go over there since the break started, but either me or my mom will have to tomorrow. In a way I think this is good because it will show him that at some point we will have to talk, even if he decides to end the relationship. We are going to run into each other and we also know a lot of the same people. It would be easier for me to just move on if he had been clearer about what was going on. He just said he needed time to think about things. He never said break-up or anything else that would imply that that was our last meeting. And like I said, we had absolutely no problems in our relationship. Everything was perfect. BEATS ME?!
purspeed Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 Prrthd1 (wierd screename): Here's the deal: you are a victim of his low self-esteem. You see, at first he was excited to be with you. You were fascinating to him. Then, his low self-esteem kicked in and said to himself, "you are a loser, you don't deserve this girl, if she's with you, she must be an idiot, now I have contempt and treat her like the idiot that she is..." So, the best thing is to move on. If you really want him back (can't imagine why), then you will need to be happy, never tell him you love him, date others (very important) and keep him jealous. Then, his fascination will return and he will pursue you, once more.
Author prrthd1 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 Purspeed, (Jimmy Buffett fan - the screename). I am flattered to think that maybe he thought I was too good for him because everything was so great - but I'm not so sure that that is the problem. I will admit, during the weeks leading up to our first date and even about 4-5 weeks after we started dating, he seemed so excited to see me and talk to me. He would visit me at work every morning since we work so close to each other. Or, he would call me as soon as he got to work. He would call me every night before he went to bed. If I had been over to his place, he would make me call him when I got home. I did notice that he began backing off a few days before he initiated the break. But I'm not so sure why you make the comment about how you can't imagine why I would want him back. He has never treated me bad and he is a wonderful person. He makes me happy when I'm with him, so why wouldn't I want to continue the relationship. The only thing he has done that's not on the up-and-up is leave me hanging for almost three weeks. I'm letting that happen in hopes that he really just needs time and out of respect for him. I do hope you're right about his fascination returning. Sooner than later, hopefully.
purspeed Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 This is why, babe: It's wholly wierd, unnatural, strange to disappear for three weeks with a person who has healthy respect for self and the relationship. The fact is that his low self-esteem will continue to haunt your relationship from this point forward. So, the question is this: do you deserve to be treated like this? Do you think that you can be happy with someone else? I can give you the propper strategy to deal with him. And, you will win him back. But, is that what you really want? Do you wish to play games forever? Hope, prayer, Tarot cards, pixie dust will not remedy your situation. Your situation is classic. And, times change more than people do.
Walk Posted July 10, 2006 Posted July 10, 2006 It's been nearly a month with no word from him. This is the cruelest, most inhuman thing a person can do to another. Leave them in the dark indefinitely. Would you do this to someone you cared about?? If he wasn't ready to date, fine! But why the heck is he dragging you through the ringer for weeks on end? For an ego boost? To make himself feel important? You've put this guy on a pedestal. He doesn't deserve to be there. He may have been great for those couple of weeks you dated, but what kind of man will ditch and run, and can't even make up his mind on whether he wants you in his life or not. He's a coward not to talk to you. He's selfish for not breaking it off completely and allowing you to heal and get on with your life. He's attempting to keep you in the wings waiting for some far off distant day he may return. For what? So that two weeks later he'll disappear again and leave you in the dark for weeks and weeks?!? This is selfish! He gets an ego boost, knowledge that you're hanging around moping and depressed because he isn't talking to you, and what do you get?? What are you getting from this? What possible benefit does this provide you? Anything? At all? The man better be superman incognito if you're still holding on to the idea that he's a great guy. He's not. This is beyond inhumane. He needs to grow some cajones and face the issue. He is either ready for a relationship, or he sets you free to heal and so hopefully you can find someone who isn't going to string you along for months or years. You're wasting you life waiting for someone. How do you want to live your life? Is this your idea of living? Unless you're happy with how your life is right now, then by all means, continue.
Author prrthd1 Posted July 10, 2006 Author Posted July 10, 2006 No, I'm not happy at the moment, but I really like this guy. He makes me happy. The 2-3 months that we were together was the best relationship I have ever had. I know it isn't kosher what he's doing to me now. But, I do feel like I need to talk to him one more time to say "Hey, I like you and would like to keep seeing you. I respect and understand the fact that you are recently divorced and need time to think about things. But, I don't want to hold out hope that you'll come back if you know you're not going too." The reason I haven't called him so far is because I'm afraid that I will pressure him into a decision. I want to call, but the general opinion seems to be that that will be considered chasing and is a bad idea.
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