Lollie72 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Hi, My story is posted elsewhere but very few people are responding. I'm about to divorce and am recently seperated physically from my spouse of 4 years..when up pops an incredible generous, sweet, mature man I'm mad about.I told my spouse I have feelings for another, and know it's fair for him to know the entire situation. There is no affair, neither this OM nor I have admitted any feelings beyond friendship. But I'm starting to think if I drag my feet at all in filing for a D then my potential new SO will find another....I don't know he would wait for my divorce to be final to date me. I'm just starting to pine for him and ignore all contact from my husband, it's all power struggles anyway(I want the attorney to start communicating for me). Anyway, I have no idea what my chances are with the Other guy, and I'd be divorcing either way-and have no idea what the implications of admitting my feelings to the other guy. I dont' want to miss out of what looks like could be a great love because I'm not getting my act together fast enough and haven't found a lawyer/filed for my D yet. My husband is leaving me pennyless basically, no car, nothing, a jerk. Why would I want to continue to communicate with him at all. I don't think I owe him a damn thing anymore. And so many people think that I'm supposed to be all nicey nice during the divorce and protect his feelings like he's a tiny 2 year old. He as an emotionally and verbally abusive wreck who treated me like I was his binky. I want to be honest with the other man. I want to take a chance and let him know what I'm feeling, maybe I'm alone with my feelings-but I won't know if I don't tell him. ANy thoughts? I just don't want to screw up my future because I'm too broke to pay for a lawyer fast enough or am too kind to try to be moral and not start and EA or a full-on affair before the D gets done.
RecordProducer Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Lollie, I told you to be nice to your ex for YOUR sake, not his, so that YOU can get more. It's not an affair or infidelity, he left you and you're separated now. It's not your fault that divorces take so long. You ARE divorced, you're just working on the documentation. You don't want him back and he doesn't want you back either. Don't count on the new mature and generous guy too much. You need to fix your own financial situation. Don't be afraid to ask for more from your ex, just because it's emotionally exhausting and this old, wealthy guy will marry you. Pursue a relationship with him if you want, but rely on yourself. As you see, a man can always abandon you...
Author Lollie72 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Lollie, I told you to be nice to your ex for YOUR sake, not his, so that YOU can get more. It's not an affair or infidelity, he left you and you're separated now. It's not your fault that divorces take so long. You ARE divorced, you're just working on the documentation. You don't want him back and he doesn't want you back either. Don't count on the new mature and generous guy too much. You need to fix your own financial situation. Don't be afraid to ask for more from your ex, just because it's emotionally exhausting and this old, wealthy guy will marry you. Pursue a relationship with him if you want, but rely on yourself. As you see, a man can always abandon you... My old wealthy guy is a whole 39, and I have no plans on relying on him financially. It's my heart that just wants his love now. And we're still not admitting we like one another as more than friends, but it's like we're dating, but not dating, spending time with one another getting to know one another. And he's out of town working most of the week, so when we do get to see one another it's only for several hours once per week maybe. Sigh, I just have few people I can confide in that I am so happy to have him in my life now. I'm glad I can talk here.
riobikini Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Lollie, see the responses from others on your related issues in your other (numerous) threads. Review them carefully. You seem to be making life-changing decisions while being focused on another man (not your husband) whom you are not even certain has feelings for you (or even acknowledges anything except a friendship with you). You're entertaining a hopeful fantasy, here. And you *are* looking for love -or at least, what you perceive to be similar to love- in your pursuit of the other man. Look, -he may, indeed, be flesh and bone, -but as far as you should be concerned right now, he's only smoke and mirrors. You have spent only limited time with him -and although he may *appear* to be everything that your husband is *not* and offer you a warm, comforting place for your emotions to be coddled for the moment, giving you some of what you've been living without -you still do not know him well enough to be hoping and dreaming of further possiblities with him that intensly. Too much of your immediate future is uncertain, right now, -and the problems presenting themselves regarding your marriage and your decision to divorce your husband, need to be your primary focus, for a good while, yet. This distraction with 'Mr. Wonderful' is only complicating matters for you. Cool it down, -and take care of the problems *at hand*. Then take a break from *all* manner of romantic relationships for a while, and give yourself some time to make better decisions about where to head, and *whom* to head for - in your future. I promise you, -it's the *best* route to follow. Take care. -Rio
reservoirdog1 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 If you're already separated and are moving towards divorce, then in my book, you're already divorced in all but law. There are married couples who separate and, for whatever reason, go many years without the formality of getting divorced. They move on with their lives in every way but spending the extra money to get divorced isn't necessary. As far as I'm concerned, people like that aren't cheating. The essential ingredients of a marriage include love, respect, allegiance, cohabitation, and an understanding that you're both there for each other and putting each other first. If you've split up and all of those things are no more, then the "marriage" is nothing more than a piece of paper in a dusty registry filing cabinet somewhere. Just my $0.02...
Author Lollie72 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 I think god is keeping this relationship moving slowely because he works out of state a lot and it comes in spirts, it just happens to be falling at this time. It's giving me pleanty of time to contemplate my situation. I think it's best either way to file for my dissolution of marriage asap. My spouse is all ready acting pretty agressive towards me with regards to who's going to be financially screwing who. It was always a war with him.
RecordProducer Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I love Rio Bikini's post. That's more or less what I was thinking. Not that you shouldn't pursue this relationship and certainly not that you want to be with him for his money. But you did describe him as "Iincredible generous, sweet, mature man." I just know how wealthy and generous men can influence a woman and make her unproductive in all areas of her life. The hope that you might have about you two will make you think: "Screw my ex! He can have it all. I don't want to let him bug me, I am concentrated on my new guy who's wonderful." So you let your husband go away with YOUR money and the new guy disappears from the picture. You are left all on your own, broke and devastated. I am not telling you not to pursue the new guy, just don't hope too much and don't count on him being your backup alternative. He is just a friend that you have feelings for. Don't run away from the responsibility you have toward yourself - to get from your husband what belongs to YOU, not him. And don't count on anyone's financial support until he proposes to you... even then...
Author Lollie72 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 I love Rio Bikini's post. That's more or less what I was thinking. Not that you shouldn't pursue this relationship and certainly not that you want to be with him for his money. But you did describe him as "Iincredible generous, sweet, mature man." I just know how wealthy and generous men can influence a woman and make her unproductive in all areas of her life. The hope that you might have about you two will make you think: "Screw my ex! He can have it all. I don't want to let him bug me, I am concentrated on my new guy who's wonderful." So you let your husband go away with YOUR money and the new guy disappears from the picture. You are left all on your own, broke and devastated. I am not telling you not to pursue the new guy, just don't hope too much and don't count on him being your backup alternative. He is just a friend that you have feelings for. Don't run away from the responsibility you have toward yourself - to get from your husband what belongs to YOU, not him. And don't count on anyone's financial support until he proposes to you... even then... The jerk you so obviously lost trust in is like the husband I'm leaving. He will make money soon and he will overspend and put us hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt(now it's just unsecured thousands on major credit cards we're fighting over). I'd all ready secured a new home and which has nothing to do with the new man I'm attracted to. In fact he offered to allow me to sleep over casually last night and I declined. Something so could have easily happened last night physically. I'm trying my best to act like a lady as much of the time as I can. And I just found out I cannot even try to serve my to be x papers before the 7th of July, he's impulsively leaving the country and spending the money(some of which is due me for support) on a vacation. I'm so happy I'm splitting from this jerk NOW!!!!!! and NOT LATER>
riobikini Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 re: Lolly: " I think god is keeping this relationship moving slowely because he works out of state a lot and it comes in spirts.." Are we talking about God? Or Mr. Wonderful? (Sorry, -not making fun of your circumstances, but I really think it is time for a little smile or two, here, -just to take off some of the pressure.) (Smile) Back to the issue: I still think that -no matter what you do about your marriage- your Mr. Wonderful hasn't been in the picture long enough for you to *know* him well, -nor fall in *true* love with him. I base my thoughts on the fact you are enduring a very emotionally-rendering set of circumstances with your husband, and you are exceptionally vulnerable at this time. Yours, -Rio
RecordProducer Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 The jerk you so obviously lost trust in is like the husband I'm leaving. I'm so happy I'm splitting from this jerk NOW!!!!!! and NOT LATER>You got that one right, girl - better sooner than later. I realized that when my ex-husband left me. He gave me a chance to move on while I was still very young (only 25-26). He also taught me to never rely on men even if you have kids with him. I think you can rely on your man if you're married for quite some time and things stand stable on the ground plus you're legally protected. I am glad your new guy is not distracting you from your life plans. A woman should always do whatever she would have done if the guy didn't exist in her life (talking about career, money, friends, hobbies, etc., not screwing other men).
jmargel Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I told my wife to never rely on me financially only because one day I might not be here (dead) and she needs to be able to take care of herself. For the OP topic, don't feel bad about dating this guy. The relationship between you & the ex is over. You are not doing anything illegally or morally wrong. They can't use this in court against you either. I think perhaps you might be scared in pursuing a relationship with this new guy which is understandable. Just be upfront and honest with him. Men love that. If I was the guy in his shoes I would want you to tell me how you feel and what you would like to happen and what you feel about everything. Guys want things layed out on the table for us. We don't like to play games (unless we are a player but then you don't want us anyways). If you act wishy-washy around him he's going to think that perhaps you don't want a divorce and you still have feelings for your soon to be ex-husband. Make that clear to this new guy. No problem in talking on the phone with him during the week either while he's away. You sound like you have a big heart & a good head on your shoulders. You have a step up from alot of the posters on here who are going through similar problems right now. Contact your lawyer and have them put a freeze on your ex-husband's accounts since he's planning to leave the country. Not sure if you can do that but it's possible. Best of luck
Author Lollie72 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I guess I can clairify why Mr. Wonderful is wonderful: he's 9 years older then my immature husband, and is capable and willing to be a gentleman and open a door for me, he's been a stang-up husband in the past to women who've cheated and screwed him over/with drinking and drug problems, and in-spite of that he's still willing to stay, "never say never, when it comes to consider remarrying," which shocked me since he's been married most of his adult life and two times by the age of 39. I thought he'd be in a much more protected mentality when it comes to commitment and love. He does't really have money to offer me and I'm not allowing him to offer me sex, but he's just a genuine friend and I hope someday when we're more ready, more.
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