Interested in a woman's point of view on this

[sirjay]

Hi

 

I was with my GF for 3 years and she broke up with me 4 months ago. I guess it was an affair situation to an extent but it was kind of different too: I was living with my ex and our relationship had long since devolved to a platonic friendship. I stayed there because she was supporting me while i tried to get my business off the ground. i got really depressed and found it hard to get out of the situation.

 

with me and the GF, it was just wonderful. we are compatible in so many ways and just had loads of great times together and i was there for her in so many ways, she told me, and fulfilled a lot of what she wanted from a guy.

 

we got closer and closer as time went on and in the end, she broke up with me after 2 years - it was a game to get me to move to her city, basically. our chemistry was too strong though and we got back together after a month and slipped back into the same pattern. we told each other we loved each other at that point and i badly wanted to be with her but i was scared to sacrifice my security.

 

so eventually she got too hurt waiting for me and broke up with me. i tried everything to get her back, told her i would move right then and everything, but she said she didnt want me to do it for her etc. she was terribly hurt by breaking up with me and we both realised we loved each other more than anyone else we had known. she said she couldnt be with me anymore but she loved me and wanted to be "best friends", said maybe we'd get back together in a year or 2, she didnt know, wouldnt make any promises. i told her i really didnt see me ever being able to be just friends but she kept on with that idea.

 

i chased her and she backed off so in the end, i said i couldnt handle being friends and cut off contact. she went from pushing me back to getting really upset and calling me loads. when we spoke after a few days, she changed it to us doing no contact for 2-3 months and then "seeing how it goes". she didnt say whether she meant maybe getting back together or just friends. she was out partying a lot and i ran into her in a club with some random guy she'd just picked up. we were both super hurt and drunk and we had a fight and i told her if she walked away from me then, not to try to come back to me later and she said she didnt want to get back together again.

 

so i collected my gear from her place a week later and she was being super nice to me and telling me how good i looked and i was just businesslike. i left without comment. she kept a really big item of mine that she couldnt possibly have missed and put something really sentimental that she got me right on top of my gear.

 

we didnt speak for 5 weeks at all and then i sent out a newsletter on my business mailing list. i forgot she was on it and she replied out of the blue, even though there was no reason at all to. i kind of felt she had been wanting to get in touch and that was an excuse. it was a tentative message, a bit formal. i sent her a nice one back just saying that it was nice to hear from her and i was happy and had got my life together - i am actually miserable without her but being needy and chasing her was a turn off so...

 

she immediately replied with a really nice friendly message and said we should speak soon, take care.

 

i have really got my life together - i moved, new job, independence, work out every day, got really in shape, ambitions back on track ... i feel i have made myself into the guy she wanted me to be. i know i was what she wanted in so many ways ...

 

i really, really want to believe that if we meet up again after a chill out period, she will see the new me and want to get back together. i dont know if she has found someone else but i think its unlikely - i know she does not easily get involved and isnt into rebound relationships. i think she is just enjoying being single and taking a break until she is less hurt. i know she got back together with her ex in the past too. there is loads of unfulfilled potential - we never travelled, lived together ... it could be 100x better than it was.

 

i miss her so badly. she was never really the "other woman" but i can understand how she felt that way even though i tried to make her feel better about it and explain things all the time. she told me she hadnt forgiven me a couple of months back. i apologised so much and tried to make it better but it was too soon.

 

i badly want to tell her how much i love her and how different i am now and how much i want her in my life and to make her feel special and take care of her. it would be a mistake at this point, no doubt.

 

i wonder which goes first: the hurt or the love? is it possible her seeing that i have made moves to be the man she wants will fix things? she never really explained how she felt about it ... i know she still loves me. i wonder if she misses me as much as i miss her? i could always make her laugh like no one else could, i was always there for her in her time of need, and she always turned to me for advice. our love life was incredible. she was into drugs and i was the only person in her peer group who wasnt so she stopped hurting herself with that. she told me i changed her life. i see a person in her that i know no one else does.

 

my friend thinks she is just playing power games with me but i dont want to believe its just that.

 

what do you think, ladies? do i still stand a chance or am i just punishing myself here? how would you interpret her actions?

 

help! x

[yesmaybe]

Sounds like there is real love. But a relationship is more than just love - it's also history and existing baggage.

 

I have a feeling, even if you guys get together, it will be a very tumultuous relationship. She will pull out the "well, you strung me along for 3 years" card when things gets messy, you will pull the "why can't you let the past be the past" card as a response...while actually, those cards are hiding really deep baggage and pain.

 

I am sure that, if there is love, you can definitely be proactive and win her back. As you said before, she still loves you. Be consistent, be romantic, and be open and sincere.

 

But if you want the relationship to be successful, it will take a lot more work than you may expect. So keep that in mind and realize that there are bumpy roads ahead.

 

Good luck.

[sirjay]

hey, thanks for your reply. you've helped to give me a little hope not sure if thats a good thing or not!

 

i am aware that it will take work but i think its worth it. i'm not at all sure that she will take me back though...

 

i dont dare tell her how i still feel about her at the moment so i dont know how to move forward with it other than to let her choose to speak or not speak. i put way too much pressure on her before and being romantic wasnt a good idea at all. it just pissed her off then but maybe it was too soon.the door is open now so its up to her i guess...?

 

how do people think i should approach this?

[lilbo]

Curious how long were you living with your platonic ex?

 

 

I think you guys sound like a couple with a lot of potential I'd advise taking it slow thou if planning on getting back together;)

[sirjay]

Oh god, we were living together for 7 years altogether but i moved to a part of the country that i really, really didnt want to to make a commitment to her and then the relationship went way downhill quite soon after. we were great as friends but as a relationship, it just didnt fulfill me at all. she had major body image issues, eating disorders etc. love life disappeared, her job just took over everything.

 

at the point when i met my GF, we were barely spending any time together at all.

 

yeah, you're right about taking things slow. as it stands right now, we have both said that we are working hard and having a good time, pretty much. the question is, what is really going on behind the fronts? i know i miss her like crazy but i dont know what she is feeling. i know that she is damn good at hiding her feelings. i dont want to put my cards on the table and put her off but i cant see a way to let her know i am still interested without messing things up ... i can think of a thousand romantic things i could do for her right now but i dont know how they would be recieved...?

 

advice, anyone?

[sirjay]

 

I am sure that, if there is love, you can definitely be proactive and win her back. As you said before, she still loves you. Be consistent, be romantic, and be open and sincere.

 

Good luck.

 

You think? i know i still love her like crazy. in fact, i love her a lot more now than i did. i dont believe she has fallen out of love with me so soon ...

 

when things were really bad, she said she never wanted to risk being hurt again but that would be just the same with a new relationship. i want to show her how much i have changed and that it was never about my feelings for her, and earn back her trust.

 

I don't know. she was really hurt and angry with me. she told me times that she didnt want to get back with me but she also said and did other things that made me think otherwise. i know we both needed some time apart to cool off and think about it. the question now is whether she really wants to give up all the stuff i gave her. she told me she knew i was one in a million and she'd never meet anyone else like me. i want to believe that now i have fixed up the bits of me that caused the problems, that she might come back ...

 

how can i be proactive without putting her off, yesmaybe?

[newbby]

i dont know about this one. tbh reading this, i didnt have much hope for you with her. now this is only because it reminded me of me, which may mean absolutely nothing in reality, but like there are similarities with certain behaviour types of men, i think there are too with women. i have been that woman before now, more than once, actually. chances are, she is the type (like me) to fall in love with the unavailable, in this case, the love she felt was definetly real, and so was the pain, but once you become available AND begin to chase her, her feelings fade. i am only saying this so that you dont keep going over your failures. i think many people look harshly at themselves at the end of a relationship when in truth, it was just that two peoples psychology matched but when they began to change it didnt quite fit anymore. i think it takes real commitment to the relationship to get past these stages, as well as ongoing personal work. it is great that you have got your own life back on track, keep focussed on this and yourself and things will fall into place, maybe with her, but maybe not.

[yesmaybe]

well, let me tell you what my MM did to win me back...

 

Back in March, I was ready to move on with my life. I was happily dating others. I was sick and tired of being the OW.

 

MM did a couple of things...

 

1. He contacted me everyday. Not in a psychotic way, but to let me know he loved me.

 

2. I have a feeling he really considered all the things I had told him before, of what totally pissed me off about him...and he tried to change them.

 

3. He figured out that I love to be taken out to eat, so he constantly feeds me. This is big, because he is not a food person, and thinks restaurants are a waste of money. But he's willing to change for me.

 

4. He suggested we go to couple's therapy together.

 

Now, it's possible that this woman is totally through with you. But, if you want her, go after her! Be persistent - be always willing to work things out with her, no matter how often she says "no." I think women are won over by confident men who know what they want.

 

Good luck.

[sirjay]

hey thanks both. i only just got your replies.

 

well, there have been some developments. she broke NC tentatively and we have started communicating a little via texts and email and things warmed up a bit. we have established that we both miss each other's company a lot, that i have left my ex and become independent and that i have made a lot of the changes she wanted me to make... she has said she wants to speak soon but i know she is super busy with a big work project right now.

 

the point about her wanting someone inaccessible is a valid one. i do know that she has had several long term relationships and so she isnt dysfunctional in that sense. i shifted the dynamic back by initiating NC 6 weeks ago and that helped and i am presenting an independent self who is getting on with things and not chasing.

 

i think the important point is that - for a second chance to work - there has to be real changes made to the underlying problems. our issues were circumstantial and clearly defined and i have worked on those a lot during this time. it needs to be a new relationship and it was right for us to take some time apart and see where we are at when we meet again.

 

i don't know if she just wants to be friends but our chemistry is major and she knows i could never handle another guy being around so she would be setting herself up for a lot of hassle if that is the situation.

 

i feel pretty positive about it right now, much as i miss her.

[sirjay]

 

I think women are won over by confident men who know what they want.

 

 

that was exactly why she went for me in the first place, despite the circumstances. you are completely right...

 

either she does want to be friends, which is crazy because i already went mad with jealousy because she went out on some rebound date and she knows i am all out when it comes to her ... or she wanted to back off, concentrate on work and having fun for a bit, and see if i get it together. certainly, since i have shown her a guy who is back in control of his life and feelings, she has come closer.

[sirjay]

i dont know about this one. tbh reading this, i didnt have much hope for you with her. now this is only because it reminded me of me, which may mean absolutely nothing in reality, but like there are similarities with certain behaviour types of men, i think there are too with women. i have been that woman before now, more than once, actually. chances are, she is the type (like me) to fall in love with the unavailable, in this case, the love she felt was definetly real, and so was the pain, but once you become available AND begin to chase her, her feelings fade.

 

This is one of the more insightful posts i read on here and i appreciate it, thanks.

 

she did fight it right at the beginning, but to be honest, we got on so well and it was so special that we both just completely fell for each other. i was the first unavailable man she got involved with to the best of my knowledge.

 

its worth pointing out that i hadn't yet become available when she was backing off. the chasing was a bad idea but i dont think more so than it is in general - its hard for anyone to want someone who is showing themselves no self respect and being needy.

 

i told her when i had left my ex's place but it was only about 2 weeks later that i go so upset that i said a load of stuff to hurt her and broke off contact (i told her i went back to my ex which was a lie and i only told her the truth a month later).

 

so she didnt really know if i was available or not. personally if i was her, i'd want to back off and wait to see if i stay single, if the thing with the ex is properly finished.

 

i'd be of the attitude that: " if he really want to be with me, he will wait" - which i am. i have to prove myself to her and regain her trust.

[crazy_grl]

Hey sirjay, just saw your new thread. Glad things are looking up. I think you're doing things right. Just make sure you don't try to rush things.

 

Good luck to ya.

[sirjay]

hi crazy -

 

you think so hon? i am still feeling unsure about it so its good to hear a little feedback x

 

i decided not to play the games that people advocate on here - play hard to get etc ... i suspect that we would both end up playing the same game and it would be a stalement (i think that probably happens a lot and it doesnt seem to get mentioned).

 

i told her that i missed talking to her and hanging out and she told me she does too. i did tell her that i was ok with being best friends (i'm not really but i dont want her to feel pressured) but other than that i was honest about everything without being needy or weak.

 

i think she will really like the new me. i have been working out every day and working on my life a lot i think if i show her all of the pluses and none of the minuses... well, we'll see

[crazy_grl]

It's always hard to tell how these things will turn out. But I think the best way to get a person back is to be happy with yourself and know that you can be happy without them even though you'd still like to be with them.

 

I definitely agree with you about not playing games. Games rarely work and even if they do, they send your head into a tailspin and they're hardly worth the effort required. I don't advocate playing hard to get, but I do think people should take space to recover and get their heads together.

 

I think you've got yours together, or at least you're on your way there. Just live your life. Try not to be too dependent on whether she comes back, and be nice when she comes around. You've already let her know how you feel, so don't seek her out. Let her come to you.

[newbby]

hello again,

you sound as though you have your head screwed on, and i have to agree that whilst some games can be beneficial in some circumstances for short amounts of time, basic honesty is definetly the best way forward. i am not so sure if it is honesty vs games so much as honesty vs too much honesty, where you express every insecurity (very offputting as you stated earlier).

its worth pointing out that i hadn't yet become available when she was backing off. the chasing was a bad idea but i dont think more so than it is in general - its hard for anyone to want someone who is showing themselves no self respect and being needy.

here you sound as though you have a good understanding of your relationship.

my only concern for you is this

i told her that i missed talking to her and hanging out and she told me she does too. i did tell her that i was ok with being best friends (i'm not really but i dont want her to feel pressured) but other than that i was honest about everything without being needy or weak.

and only because it is still easy to lose respect for somebody who is doing something they dont want to do, in order to gain something they do want. that is, it is easy to lose respect for somebody who is under your control. the fact that you are not ok with being friends but are doing it to please her will be apparent to her. i think it may serve you better to be honest about your feelings, including being honest about not being ready for a friendship yet. however, this is only my opinion and you may get better ones.

[justagirliegirl]

One thing I'll never understand is why people wait until they are dumped to do the right thing?

 

She told you before many times what she wanted from you but you didn't do it. Why didn't you make the break before?

[Cathy1]

Sirjay,

my overall impression is that she genuinely cares for you and wants you...

BUT, the problem is she knows she can have you and allows herself to be "spoiled" and to do whatever comes into her mind that moment without being afraid that she may loose you for good.

I know that you do not prefer playing games (also from what you have replied to my post and my situation :-)), but you have to – love is in many, many situations about playing psychological and mind games....

 

Listen, I think that you should do the following:

- start NC for a while and ignore her completely for a while, without any explanations..

- then, all of the sudden pick one of her calls (if she stops calling altogether, try to think some way to contact her again, but it is way better if she contacts you first)

- meet with her - you have to appear different than what she is used to see – not appearance (only) but posture – you have to be strong and determined – it is ok to say that you have feelings for her (avoid the L word), but you have to say that relationships are much more than pure feelings and that what you primarily need is A STRONG PARTNER WHO KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS...and then point out indirectly that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants - this must not look like ultimatum or any kind of pressure - but you are just giving her an explanation why you were not in touch with her for the last few weeks

-don't worry about the affair you had or things that YOU did wrong – if she mentions it, just say that you have discussed it many times so far and that you don't intend discussing it over and over again – you said already what you had to say and have no intensions of repeating it and be determined in ending topics like that

-I think that such approach will definitely make her think and it is something that she would not expect as she counts on you and knows that she can have you if she decides to come back or whatever...For example, when she says «We'll see in few months what will be...» How can she be sure that you will still be around in 3 months.... This is what I'm telling you – she is not in the least afraid that she may loose you for good and that is the exact feeling you have to plant into her mind and the heart – the possibility of loosing you for good....

And that is what will completely change the dynamics of your relationship. Also, you have to appear stronger than her, collected and determined........ You have to be the boss! Women fall for strong men......... You have to be stronger than her, and I'm under the impressions that so far two of you have been «the equals»... I know everyone says that that is what relationship is supposed to be, the equals, but I think that it is our genetics and our heritage that actually says that it is the strong men that it is required, especially if the lady has second thoughts – then it is a prerequisite! A must!

 

Anyway, when you get back together (I will not say «if», but «when» :-)), you must ALWAYS make sure that she is never 100% reassured the she has you completely – because you may loose her again!

OK, I must admit that I didn’t read your post thoroughly and many times and there may be things that are not completely applicable – you will know what exactly to use and how, but this is the general idea and my reply is based on the feeling I got from reading your post and I think I'm right.

 

Sirjay, I wish you all the luck, I think your chances are really good to get this girl back, but remember – sometimes, you have to play games as it is our human nature..... :-))

 

Cathy