Aloros Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 My (ex?) boyfriend has assured me time and time again that he will change, but he hasn't. It's caused a lot of frustration on both sides. We dated 5.5 years, on and off for the past few months. Now he says we are "dating" but not "going out" anymore. We no longer spend the night together and the affection has diminished. He says he's emotionally distancing himself in case things don't work out. It hurts when he's around and he no longer wants to cuddle or sleep with me. He's taking the time to seek therapy. I'm torn. I don't know if he can change anymore. He says he wants to, but I'm hearing the same words, time and time again. I'm hoping the therapist will be able to work with him to overcome his issues. I'm wondering if I should go out and start dating a little or just wait some more. He's a great guy. If he could just fix this, I'd marry him in a heartbeat. I want him to be happy. I find his other flaws annoying but endearing at the same time. This, though, is a deal-breaker. There's a guy who works in the same building as me with whom I have a strong mutual attraction. We've chatted, had lunch, but I've yet to mention that I no longer have a boyfriend. It's been a few weeks.
KittenMoon Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Can you clarify exactly what "has to change"? And why he hasn't been able to change in the past? If he's willing to go to therapy for you, that shows commitment, but if he's distancing himself "just in case it doesn't work out" that obviously makes it really difficult. If both of you want things to work out, you should be making the effort to become closer, not further away.
misslady7 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Just because there are things that he should change does not mean you have to go through all that you're going through. You deserve to have man cuddle and sleep with you; Let him handle his issues first and tell him when he's ready to give you a call, and hopefully you are still there if not "hey" it's not your fault. I think that you should keep your options open, you shouldn't have to go through all that. Date the guy that you mentioned in your thread and if things go really well then that's good. See how you feel with this new guy. Good Luck I wish you the very best!
Author Aloros Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 I think he's going to therapy for himself as well. He wants to become a teacher, but it's been nearly six years, and he hasn't finished his undergraduate degree yet. He's been kicked out of school twice and now attends a community college. He's transferring to a state university in winter. From now, he has approx. 2.5 years left of school (best case scenario), including his teaching credential. He keeps telling me things are going to change, he's going to do better, etc., but it hasn't. He's a very smart guy, and after our discussions, he'll work hard for a short spurt, and then leave everything to the last minute again. There's always an excuse. Sometimes he says he thinks he's afraid of trying his hardest because what if he fails even then? He says at least this way he can say he wasn't really trying. This really bothers me. He's stopped kissing me on the mouth.
j.carsey Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 My (ex?) boyfriend has assured me time and time again that he will change, but he hasn't. It's caused a lot of frustration on both sides. We dated 5.5 years, on and off for the past few months. Whoa five and a half YEARS you've been "courting" this dude? Unless you're a Galapagos tortoise, that strikes me as an awfully long time to date without anything serious developing. Like a casual fling for a month, I can see. A few months of dating I might understand if people can't identify themselves as a couple, but that many years? P.S. if you are a galapagos tortoise please message me. Thanks.
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