Walk Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I need help. please. Some guidance. I won't even say the words "but, if, however" to any response. I need help.. We've been in this argument for a few days now. He just stopped being communicative wednesday. (4 days ago) Tried to talk to him on thursday about it. He got really mad. I spent all friday night being told that I take advantage of him. That he feels used because I'm not holding up my side of the agreement. That I'm not putting enough effort in and how he's never faltered on anything I've needed, but how I'll let days slip past without ever asking if his needs are met or satisfied. He just went on and on and on.... things I should've done. Things I could've done. Things a real woman would've done... Finally he blew out of steam around midnight and said he wanted "his time" and that it didn't matter what I did, but he wasn't going to be in the same room with me. So if I went to bed, or stayed in the living room, he was going to the room I wasn't in. He slept on the couch. And when I got up this morning it was like he fricking flew out the door so he wouldn't have to see me. Like I'm the plague and god forbid I come within 10 feet of him. How did I become this spoiled greedy person? don't understand... in his eyes I take far more than i ever give back. And he's listing all these things I could've done to make everything perfect, but then says that he knows it wouldn't matter because even if I did those things, I'd never do any more than just that so why did he even bother discussing it with me. i tried to explain I didn't see it the same way. I've really tried to explain that lately I've been really stressed about school and my grandpa dying (wasn't close to him though) and my dad being hurt. and I had my period last week and it hurt so damn bad that week that it made me physically sick. He said he knew that, and leeway was given for it. Then launched into how he meets all my needs and I don't even bring his up. That I'm too defensive. That I do owe an obligation to him because he's paying all the bills. That he doesn't like working but goes every day, so why is it fair that he has to go and I don't have to work to meet his needs. And part of it makes sense, but then that little voice in the back of my head says "yeah, but....." And he posed the question of why it was okay for me not to bring up his needs for a couple days, or ask how he feels about them, but it's not ok for him to be quiet for a couple days.(quiet meaning one word answers to questions, no calls, and no attempt to communicate) That it's the same thing, but I'm being hypocritical. I'm two steps away from dropping everything and moving as far away from this life as possible. If it weren't for my parents and nieces I would. There's enough of me that thinks there's some truth to this that I feel like crap. Another part of me that is so livid I want to pack now and leave.... Thoughts? Ideas? suggestions? advice? If I am being selfish, I want to know. I don't want to be that way. But if he's being unreasonable, then I don't think I should be punished for not meeting an unrealistic expectation. please just respond... i feel really alone right now.
seranade_u_silly Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Perhaps if you were to elaborate further or does this guy say exactly what you've said? From what I gather, your man feels inadaquate. Feeling inadaquate in a relationship is more often than not a sexual issue so does he maybe not want you to be in control for a change? If you were to proposition him into foreplay or sex maybe he'd feel differently. Do you do so already? It could even be simpler. I mean a man likes nothing more thant to feel his SO needs him. He may just have a need to feel appreciated. Perhaps he wants recognition for paying the bills. Have you ever thanked him sincerely for anything like that?
thegoodhubbie Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Could we have some more info, Walk. I am not sure if I understand what the argument is about. From what you have written it sounds like he feels resentful that he is working and you are not. It could just be his time of the month. Guys have cycles too!
Author Walk Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Ok.. he's upset (I think) because I'm not bringing up sex every day, or alluding to it every day. We've been together little over 2 years. Both in our 30's. I'm taking an overly full load of classes in order to graduate in April. He works full time and pays the bills. Our agreement was.. (about a year ago) that he would pay all the bills if I would agree to keep his sexual needs met. I ensure to initiate sex several times a week. He said his minimum to be happy is 8 times a month. On average we have sex 8-14 times a month. Somtimes a week will go by due to illness or stress though. That's the gist of it. But either way... I have my side. He has his. I dont' understand him cause it seems like the rules change according to his whim. He tells me what he wants me to do, I do it, and then he gets mad that I didn't do more. I do more, he seems to get upset that I didn't stick with what he said. I bring all this up when he starts harping on me about not meeting his needs, and he gets angry and says I'm blowing it way out of context. That I'm reading my own words into it, and I'm off in my own little world. That he knows I'm smart, and it frustrates him that I can't understand something so inheriently simple. It's not simple to me. I don't get it. Guy needs sex, guy gets sex. I don't just lay there and stare at the ceiling. I'm getting friggin' sick of busting my ass and getting shot down for sex. The honey moon wore off a while ago, but I have to convince myself I'm horny every day even though he just sits there and does nothing... he says tough. It's the agreement we entered into. He pays bills, I take care of the sexual side. And if I'm not willing to do that, then there's the door. Tried getting a job, he said no way. We were over if I did. Said he didn't want me to get a job because then I wouldn't do well in school, and we couldn't renegotiate the agreement unless I had a far better reason then being upset that I wasn't meeting his sexual needs. On and on and on.... I'm tired. Have finals in a few days and an incredibly large project due tuesday. Don't understand how to do the project. my grandpa died, my dad really hurt his leg at the same time and I've been taking care of him while mom's dealing with the funeral and stuff. stressed about school. And the things I do for the bf don't seem to amount to much. Seems hypocritical to me. Okay for him to do or treat me a certain way, completely unfair of me to do the same. I say something about it, he says I turn everything around and make him feel like the ass, when he's the one with the problem and how I need to stop being so defensive.... on and on.
Outcast Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Walk, I read your history. You've had a lousy life, which set you up to be in a relationship that is not at all good for you. I don't think you know how to find a good man because of all you've been through. I think you need to get a job, drop this loser, move out, and live on your own for a bit. Yes, you want to study - well, maybe you can do that part-time for a while while you save money or else take the money your folks are offering. If you're going to school, your college must have a counsellor. I strongly urge you to get help so that you can learn to recognize healthy men and healthy relationships and aspire to both for yourself.
seranade_u_silly Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 It might be too much to ask you to forsake your studies prematurely. I agree with Outcast that your boyfriend is a cunt though. To call this agreement a 'relationship' is basically fooling yourself - it's not. This guy is obviously not well, complaining about sexual inactivity when you do it 8-14 times a month. Most couples do it once every few months and still call their relationship healthy. You've painted yourself into a corner and now your in a position where you have to depend on this guy. The only viable option you now have is to ride the whirlwind until you've accomplished your goals at his expense. You then need to move on with your life and seriously graft to ensure that you're never faced with this sort of predicament again.
jerbear Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Hello again! From what I have read from this and your history, it seems like a FWB with the occasional gf/bf traits. Sometimes even the traditional housewife mentality. I would have to say that getting a job however great it sounds is probably not a good option. I always believe a slave cannot have two masters. You're primary focus should be to graduate in April. Getting a job is great but I would suggest doing what you do now, your education, his sexual needs, and be his gf by name. If other things change, then take option B or even C of slowing down education to december from april or even a year later if your current situation changes. If you can, I would suggest taking out bigger student loans to cover your living expenses while cutting out frills even more; live lean & mean. In the meantime, either put up with it; which will kill your mental health; I suggest plan B of slowing down. What are your needs, wants, desires, and goals?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 WALK, I have read most of your posts. To be honest with you, and I think I've said this before (though you didn't seem to listen then), but you BF is manipulative, emotional, selfish, and quite immature. He will never be able to see your side of things however he claims to do so. I don't see how you not initiate sex should be such a big deal that he has to throw tantrums like that!! Geez... can't HE initiate sex? So what if you 'broke' the agreement? If he loves you, he wouldn't keep count!! My advice: Don't let yourself get all worked up about this. Just let him steam for as much as he wants. You are your own person. You can do things without him, too! I will not tell you to dump your BF. That's your choice. However, please reread your old posts. If my memory serves me right, this guy blows up every few weeks and then he storms out. It's the same story every time!
Author Walk Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 I will not tell you to dump your BF. That's your choice. However, please reread your old posts. If my memory serves me right, this guy blows up every few weeks and then he storms out. It's the same story every time! I know, it is the exact same story every time as far as the "reasoning" he gives. Same argument nearly verbatim every time. You're right about not getting all worked up about this stuff. It's foolish to allow someone else that much control over my life. It dawned on me yesterday that I was doing that. The second i stopped reacting, he lost all his anger. It was really strange. Like someone threw a light switch, and suddenly everything was calm. I'm not quite sure what to make of it though...
grateful Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Guy needs sex, guy gets sex. I don't just lay there and stare at the ceiling. I'm getting friggin' sick of busting my ass and getting shot down for sex. The honey moon wore off a while ago, but I have to convince myself I'm horny every day even though he just sits there and does nothing... he says tough. It's the agreement we entered into. He pays bills, I take care of the sexual side. And if I'm not willing to do that, then there's the door. Hey Walk, This jumped out at me as a significant problem with the plan for meeting each other's needs. When he asks for his needs to be met, he should plan to be an active participant - asking someone to help meet your needs is just that, "help." It can't all be on the other person.
MarnieGirl Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I don't see how you not initiate sex should be such a big deal that he has to throw tantrums like that!! i can see why he would take a little tantrum; guys (and women) do like sex...but he should also see that nothing is more of a sex turn-off then whining and complaining and taking tantrums... and maybe do it private.
Lillygirl24 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I'm sorry, I havent got a clue, mostly because I cant determine what exactly it is that has cause you two to fight. I do see that you are in serious pain over this issue. And I can only assume that you are thinking of his needs and that is why it concerns you so much. Ask yourself this. If the tables were reversed how would I honestly feel. There's your answer. But if he is being spoiled and rotten as I know overly kind women can make their men, you need to decide what it is that you want for yourself. Perhaps Get real and get out. That was the hardest decision I ever made. The longer you wait the harder it gets too. Hopefully this is not the case for you. But at any rate. It is easy to become selfish in a relationship when you are in love. No one wants to admit it, it's an ugly thing. You just need to look inside yourself and be real. I need help. please. Some guidance. I won't even say the words "but, if, however" to any response. I need help.. We've been in this argument for a few days now. He just stopped being communicative wednesday. (4 days ago) Tried to talk to him on thursday about it. He got really mad. I spent all friday night being told that I take advantage of him. That he feels used because I'm not holding up my side of the agreement. That I'm not putting enough effort in and how he's never faltered on anything I've needed, but how I'll let days slip past without ever asking if his needs are met or satisfied. He just went on and on and on.... things I should've done. Things I could've done. Things a real woman would've done... Finally he blew out of steam around midnight and said he wanted "his time" and that it didn't matter what I did, but he wasn't going to be in the same room with me. So if I went to bed, or stayed in the living room, he was going to the room I wasn't in. He slept on the couch. And when I got up this morning it was like he fricking flew out the door so he wouldn't have to see me. Like I'm the plague and god forbid I come within 10 feet of him. How did I become this spoiled greedy person? don't understand... in his eyes I take far more than i ever give back. And he's listing all these things I could've done to make everything perfect, but then says that he knows it wouldn't matter because even if I did those things, I'd never do any more than just that so why did he even bother discussing it with me. i tried to explain I didn't see it the same way. I've really tried to explain that lately I've been really stressed about school and my grandpa dying (wasn't close to him though) and my dad being hurt. and I had my period last week and it hurt so damn bad that week that it made me physically sick. He said he knew that, and leeway was given for it. Then launched into how he meets all my needs and I don't even bring his up. That I'm too defensive. That I do owe an obligation to him because he's paying all the bills. That he doesn't like working but goes every day, so why is it fair that he has to go and I don't have to work to meet his needs. And part of it makes sense, but then that little voice in the back of my head says "yeah, but....." And he posed the question of why it was okay for me not to bring up his needs for a couple days, or ask how he feels about them, but it's not ok for him to be quiet for a couple days.(quiet meaning one word answers to questions, no calls, and no attempt to communicate) That it's the same thing, but I'm being hypocritical. I'm two steps away from dropping everything and moving as far away from this life as possible. If it weren't for my parents and nieces I would. There's enough of me that thinks there's some truth to this that I feel like crap. Another part of me that is so livid I want to pack now and leave.... Thoughts? Ideas? suggestions? advice? If I am being selfish, I want to know. I don't want to be that way. But if he's being unreasonable, then I don't think I should be punished for not meeting an unrealistic expectation. please just respond... i feel really alone right now.
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