Was I fair?

[amerikajin]

Okay, if you'll ignore some of my more obnoxious posts recently - I mean, you old timers know I'm full of s*** anyway, so take my ranting for what it is:p

 

On a more serious note, I think things between my girl and I are about to end. Most of you know the deal. A workplace romance that was hot and cold. At first it seemed cold, but eventually got hot enough for me to want to pursue to see what it was all about. I admit to falling for looks without vetting the personality more than I should have.

 

My general synopsis of the girl is that she is actually quite a good character in many ways. I think she's basically an honest person - I think I caught her in a white lie, but I've done the same thing before and most people have at one point or another. She can be kind and caring when we're together.

 

What's wrong then?

 

Honestly, I've always felt from the beginning that she is a bit spoiled, used to having her way with guys because of her looks. I think she sometimes walks around with a bit of an ego and an attitude. Maybe I'm a person who cuts people too much slack, but I honestly think that she has become so used to this extra attention from men (she is a stone cold stunner of a beauty) that I get the feeling that she almost does not have any idea how other people date. I've sort of pieced together that her previous boyfriends were older, in steady high-paying jobs and treated her quite well.

 

The evidence?

 

Okay, well, going back to the start of the relationship:

 

1. Initially, she was very slow in responding to my texts, e-mails. Sometimes didn't respond at all. That changed once she became more interested after spending time together.

 

2. Had a bit of a problem being punctual for dates. Honestly, I don't flip out if a girl is just a few minutes late, and if she calls me ahead of time she can be more than just a few minutes late as long as it's not a habit. But she was ridiculously late on more than one occasion and didn't bother to call. One time I called and she was sound asleep at her home - I called her on it every time it happened and she eventually started getting better about showing up on time.

 

But that brings me to point three...

 

3. Doesn't like being criticized or told she's doing something wrong - I guess nobody does, really - especially if they don't see what they're doing is necessarily a big deal. But when I started complaining about her being late, she immediately started turning the discussion around on me. 'I don't like being lectured'. Again, we finally straightened it out but after that I finally began to see that 'lecturing' her wasn't going to be easy, so I just decided to take action and let her pick up on things from there, rather than bitching every time something happened I didn't like.

 

4. Doesn't seem to know that certain things cost a lot of money - and expects me to pick up the tab most of the time. Whenever we go out, it seems like she suggests something expensive. It also seems like she usually expects me to pick up a significant portion of the bill, if not all of it. One time we went to an expensive hotel and she didn't even bother to bring money - ate out at an expensive restaurant the night before too. We're talking like $160 here for the evening. She only offered to go by the cash machine when I started walking away in apparent disapproval. We once had the talk recently about what a guy should pay, and I told her that it may depend on the situation, but generally, I have offered usually offered to pay two dates for every one in return or that she usually offers to pick up coffee or desert or SOME portion of the bill. I reminded her that I have a lot of expensive things coming up that I have to do and it's like this stuff just goes in one ear and out the other. Which brings me to my next issue....

 

5. She doesn't seem to listen to what I say. She cuts me off in mid sentence, changes the subject, and or simply doesn't pay attention. When I told her I was trying to save money this summer and wouldn't always be able to go on weekend trips to places with her, she said 'Why?' Well I've got to go to ---- toward the end of summer and I might have to return home before that (flying home ain't cheap anymore). Yeah, but why? "WHY DO YOU THINK?!" I've already told her why on several occasions - she just doesn't listen. Or like, I've told her my birthday five times and she STILL doesn't know the date!!!

 

6. She repeatedly makes plans around her schedule when it's convenient for her. She seems to get upset whenever I can't just do something when she wants it, but when we make plans she has just changed them in the middle of the day before. She says she likes to 'make plans on the fly' and be spontaneous. I like to make a plan and stick to it. I like to know what's going on ahead of time so I can prepare. I can be spontaneous, but I generally find the idea of doing everything on a whim to be immature. Maybe I'm anal retentive.

 

7. We're just different. She's always talking about having lots of children and living in a big house; I might have one kid and live in a modest house - totally fine with me. I'm not materialistic, which is not to say I have a problem with people who are - that's their business and if that makes them happy, fine. It's just not me.

 

There were two last straws with me. First, she started telling me that she didn't want me to come over to her place as much. So then I said 'Um, well, okay, if that's what you what, I guess that's the way it'll be.' Then she turns around and says 'Well, it's not that I don't want you to come over. You're just always so busy.' I'm like 'WTF? What am I supposed to make of this?

 

This is coupled with the fact that I just found out that a recent guy 'friend' of hers asked her out and told her he had feelings for her - something anyone with half a brain could have seen, but apparently she didn't. I told her that I knew what was up but I felt like I couldn't say anything. She has other guy friends though, and sometimes, she spends one-on-one time with them. If other circumstances were different, I wouldn't mind it so much, but given all the other crap, I sometimes feel that she's just waiting for one of her guy 'friends' to trip her trigger at some point.

 

The other last straw was that she again suggested we go out and eat dinner together and again 'forgot' to run by the bank. In other words, I was stuck with a $70 bill. She DID offer to pay $20 of an $80 night a few nights after that.

 

Then there's the fact that she has refused to let me go all the way inside of her. I know that sounds like a petty gripe, but I told her that I felt as though she didn't trust me and that it hurt. I didn't tell her I thought that was a crap thing to do given that she likes to receive oral and nice dinners, but that was on my mind.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is, was I fair? I ask that because after a while, given the fact that she wasn't too receptive to criticism initially, I just kept my complaints to a minimum. I occasionally dropped hints here and there but I don't think she really picked up on them, or didn't seem to take the hints too seriously. Maybe what I'm wondering is, are the issues above just common sense? I mean, I tend to think that it's common sense that a person should be considerate enough not to do the things she's been doing. It's just considering the other person, and I don't think she's done that. Is it possible that she just comes from a completely different school of dating and that maybe I should have insisted on talking more with her about my concerns? Is it possible that I am being anal retentive, or that she just doesn't know that she's doing anything wrong? Or is she, as I suspect, just used to taking advantage of guys who pursue her? I'd like to here from both genders on this one. I'm ready to drop her and I get the feeling she's starting to pull away from me too. I guess I want to do this without any regrets.

[justagirliegirl]

Dump her

 

What exactly do you two have in common?

 

She sounds like a shallow gold digging princess.

[amerikajin]

I am inclined to agree with the 'dump her'. I basically did already, in fact, but she has been fighting for the past few days to keep things alive. She came over this morning and we fooled around a bit but I just couldn't get into it like I used to. She wanted to do something today but I'd already planned to do some studying later today - I think she felt rejected or something so I haven't heard from her all day. Guess she's giving me some attitude now.

 

But the thing is, when I think back to our dates, we DID actually have a decent time. I don't think she's some cold hearted bitch. I think she's nice, she's just super flakey and a bit wrapped up in herself. I guess I'm seeing if there's anyone out there who could see something I've missed here.

[Walk]

I'm wondering if the girl came from a rich (higher class) lifestyle. Sometimes it warps peoples minds about money. They think its always available no matter what, and they view a hundred bucks being thrown around like the rest of us view a dollar for a pop. Like it's no big deal.

 

From what you describe, she does sound spoiled. Used to getting her way. But to give the benefit of the doubt to her... even if she isn't trying to take advantage of your generosity and has the best of intentions... it's obviously making you feel taken advantage of. The problem is, you can't change someone's outlook on money and material things. If they have bigger tastes than you it's always going to cause a source of contention.

 

My exH had expensive tastes, and wanted the big house, the big tv, ect. He comprimised a lot with how I felt about things, but it never ceased to be a problem for us. He always felt he was giving up what he really wanted, and I always felt like I was giving more than I wanted. We never really found a happy medium for the both of us.

 

So even if she is the greatest person in the world with the biggest heart you could find.. this difference in views is always going to cause problems between you. And if it's not something you can set aside completely, or you always feel you're giving too much, then you won't have a happy relationship no matter how well the two of you get along when it doesn't concern money or time.

 

I think it's best the two of you parted and allowed each other to find someone whose views of life and the future are more similiar to your own.

[Walk]

But the thing is, when I think back to our dates, we DID actually have a decent time. I don't think she's some cold hearted bitch. I think she's nice, she's just super flakey and a bit wrapped up in herself. I guess I'm seeing if there's anyone out there who could see something I've missed here.

 

Someone can be a great person, with a wonderful personality, but it doesn't mean they are the best person for you. So leave it on a good note. Doesn't mean anyones wrong... it just means the two of you weren't compatible for a more serious relationship.

[amerikajin]

Well she finally called back. Apparently she just woke up. Stood another one of her friends up - at least I'm not the only one, I guess.

 

Even so, when she does this I just feel like I'm dealing with a little girl. I shouldn't have to remind people that it's disrespectful to stand people up. I said 'Well...next time, use an alarm' To which she replied 'What do you mean?' :rolleyes:

[quankanne]

I dunno, AJ, it sounds like a serious mismatch. Especially if, after all this time you've been seeing her, she doesn't "get" it about you. Kinda reminds me of one of my nephews when he was younger – a good kid, but totally clueless about adults and economics. His daddy could afford to buy him the most expensive crap because he had a very well-paying job and he was divorced from their mom, therefore subject to placating his guilt over that by bying expensive crap for the kids; I was still living on a college-student budget several years after college ended, and couldn't afford to give in on every whim the kid had. It finally got to the point where I'd have to tell him, okay, I've got 20 bucks to spend today, and some of it's gonna have to feed the both of us. Blunt to the point of rudeness was the only think that got through his little pea-brain, bless his heart ...

 

this girl sounds like she doesn't understand personal economics either, and she's been careless about these things so long that she can't see past her own whims or desires.

 

you sound like a decent guy who wants to be fair in his relationship with her, but dude, she's pretty much s***ting on you when she refuses to see the realities of that relationship: you don't have money to piss away, you expect common courtesy from others the same way you extend them, you are expected to flat-out adore her and nothing else. Sounds like it's time to start withdrawing yourself from the relationship, because this is about as good as it gets with her.

 

just my two cents ...

[amerikajin]

Walk, I think you wrote out what I've been thinking. I do think she does actually have a good heart, but she was obviously raised in a different world. I don't think she means harm, she's just oblivious in some instances. Maybe I'm a bit too tight up the ass myself, but I've always been a stickler for the basics. If someone agrees to set aside time for you, you honor that by being at the time and place you agreed to.

[gfto]

You must be dating one of my ex's, because the girl you're describing is exactly the kind of girl I once dated. Super hot/late for dates/canceling dates/I pay for everything/no actual intercourse/only go places and do things she wants to do/everything was my fault/etc.

[Outcast]

when I think back to our dates, we DID actually have a decent time.

 

Oboy. There's a ringing endorsement for ya.

 

You should be with someone because you truly enjoy being with that person, not because she's eye candy. She sounds like she's not particularly practical or organized and you seem to prefer people with more sense. Right now you think it's cute, but contrary to your 'rants', you don't want some female that you believe to be less sensible than you.

 

If you take up with someone you don't respect, what you do is take on a pet and nobody deserves to be treated like a pet. 'Oh, she's kind of fun but a flake' is not really the sort of feeling that will sustain any sort of long-term relationship.

 

Next time, try going out with someone because you enjoy talking to her and being with her rather than because she's a 'stone cold stunner'.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Maybe what I'm wondering is, are the issues above just common sense? I mean, I tend to think that it's common sense that a person should be considerate enough not to do the things she's been doing. It's just considering the other person, and I don't think she's done that. Is it possible that she just comes from a completely different school of dating and that maybe I should have insisted on talking more with her about my concerns? Is it possible that I am being anal retentive, or that she just doesn't know that she's doing anything wrong? Or is she, as I suspect, just used to taking advantage of guys who pursue her? I'd like to here from both genders on this one. I'm ready to drop her and I get the feeling she's starting to pull away from me too. I guess I want to do this without any regrets.

 

Hi!

 

You know, my H has ALL the crappy qualities of you GF but without the good looks! Let me tell you, at first, I thought that he'd eventuall grow up, or that I could teach him how to act like a decent, considerate human being. Well, you know the rest of my story! He is still acting like a 15 year old boy, has no consideration for anyone but for himself. He can 'change' for a moment, but the next day (or the next moment), he'd be his old self again. Immaturity, inconsideration, egotistism, and narcissism are traits that do not change!!

 

If you think that she is financially irresponsible now... hah! ... just wait till you are in serious financial trouble! My husband bought expensive rollers for his rollerskates when we had thousands of dollars in credit card debt and I was frustrated with how to make the cheapest meals at home! Some people are just not very realistic about their situation - and there's nothing you can do to change that. THey will always be this way.

 

You know what you need to do - so do it! This girl will never change and you guys will break up eventually. Why waste your time?

[Yamaha]

Dump her

 

What exactly do you two have in common?

 

She sounds like a shallow gold digging princess.

 

Dump her. She is a user used to having what she wants and you will forever be catering to her whim ( as she thinks she deserves no less ). When someone is spoiled and selfish there is nothing to do but walk away and hope they grow up some day. You were very fair to her.

 

Also ask yourself. Would you put up with her behavior if she wasn't so attractive? You were enjoying her attention and was blinded to her lack of character. Happens all the time so don't beat yourself up over it.

[amerikajin]

Ended up going over to her place again last night, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. She's been really trying hard the last week but I just don't feel it now. I keep trying to think about this to see if I'm in the mood to give it a go, but I just find myself getting annoyed by every little thing she does or doesn't do.

[Tenorman]

Then there's the fact that she has refused to let me go all the way inside of her. I know that sounds like a petty gripe, but I told her that I felt as though she didn't trust me and that it hurt. I didn't tell her I thought that was a crap thing to do given that she likes to receive oral and nice dinners, but that was on my mind.

 

Petty?!!!

 

That's got to be the biggest red flag ever.

[elijahBailey]

I don't think she means harm, she's just oblivious in some instances.

 

amerikajin, dude, sure she means no harm, but me thinks she ain't oblivious.

 

if you've lost yer feelings then it's time to move on. Why don't you start dating other people. if the dates work out, you probably won't go back to this current girl. What I'm sayin' is..... keep yer options open man.

 

You've probably done everything right with this girl, except that you didn't walk. It's not that she's bad. But girls like that have men running after them All.The.Time. They're used to it, but they're not used to having men walking away from them. A guy shows his character when he sees shyt and decides to walk. Don't bother venting yer frustration. Just be silent and walk.

[blue16]

5. She doesn't seem to listen to what I say. She cuts me off in mid sentence, changes the subject, and or simply doesn't pay attention. When I told her I was trying to save money this summer and wouldn't always be able to go on weekend trips to places with her, she said 'Why?' Well I've got to go to ---- toward the end of summer and I might have to return home before that (flying home ain't cheap anymore). Yeah, but why? "WHY DO YOU THINK?!" I've already told her why on several occasions - she just doesn't listen. Or like, I've told her my birthday five times and she STILL doesn't know the date!!!

 

Aside from the gold digging, showing up late etc...do u want to be with someone who isn't interested in what you're saying?

[RecordProducer]

I think you're not right for each other. She needs someone to pamper her and you can't afford that, not just financially. She has a strong personality and needs someone even stronger (read: stubborn and super successful) to indulge her every whim (but in reality OWN her). You are just not that kind of guy. Hence her coldness. She is all glamorous and extravagant and you need someone deeper in their mind and simpler in their behavior. Someone warm and cheerful to talk to you for hours and look at you with sparkle in their eyes. Am I right?

 

You are exactly the type of guy that gets attracted to fatal beauty as hers, but she needs a fatal guy and you're not him. She is obviously not in love with you. You would know if she were.

[Tenorman]

That's quite brilliant RP although it makes this particular woman sound a tad more interesting than I suspect she really is in real life.

 

Amerikajin, don't 'kill' yourself over this particular woman. However you need to be more of a 'killer' and you can start to do this by doing what EB said - just be silent and walk. And I would add - never look back.

[Craig]

You are a smart guy but isn't it becoming apparent that no matter how hard you try with the lady in question that she just does not/will not understand things from your POV?

 

Why are you or were you even with her or trying to be with her? Because she is a stunner is an excluded answer, so aside from her being a stunner why?

 

BTW I agree with the posters that suggested moving on. I see no need for a dramatic dumping ceremony just a talk about incompatibility and long term happiness before wishing her well with the rest of her life.