Lollie72 Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 marriage affairs go nowhere and are only rebound relationships, right? Some must end up with the one they cheat with right? Right?
Sinistervixen Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Yes some end up with the OM in the end. I married mine and was happy for 5 years. I have a history of this kinda thing though. First marriage was at 16yrs old. left him two years later for his best friend, the OM. Married him and had a really good relationship with him for 5 years. Until i grew up and he didnt. Then cheated on him with a younger guy. Released the younger guy since i knew i was messing up his life. Divorced and two years later hooked back up with the younger guy. Was with him for 6 years, until i had enough of the nothingness with him four months ago. Now what do i go and do???? get involved with a married man. i am such a idiot. But of course my MM is better than any other man ive been with in every way shape and form. So im hooked for the long haul.
Curmudgeon Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Some do and most live to regret it. Marriages having their roots in affairs have a very low probability of lasting more than just a couple of years. By then the reality of day-to-day life together sets in, the thrill is gone and the excitement dwindles. It simply becomes a marriage and a rather lackluster one at that. There are also severe trust issues and often extreme pressure from family members. Greener grass is always as lush as advertised!
lovernotafighter Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Some do and most live to regret it. Marriages having their roots in affairs have a very low probability of lasting more than just a couple of years. By then the reality of day-to-day life together sets in, the thrill is gone and the excitement dwindles. It simply becomes a marriage and a rather lackluster one at that. There are also severe trust issues and often extreme pressure from family members. Greener grass is always as lush as advertised! I have to agree. the more I look at my MM with out the rose colored glasses the more I think a real relationship with him isn't very appealing at all..just one up hill battle after another.
Author Lollie72 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Yes some end up with the OM in the end. I married mine and was happy for 5 years. I have a history of this kinda thing though. First marriage was at 16yrs old. left him two years later for his best friend, the OM. Married him and had a really good relationship with him for 5 years. Until i grew up and he didnt. Then cheated on him with a younger guy. Released the younger guy since i knew i was messing up his life. Divorced and two years later hooked back up with the younger guy. Was with him for 6 years, until i had enough of the nothingness with him four months ago. Now what do i go and do???? get involved with a married man. i am such a idiot. But of course my MM is better than any other man ive been with in every way shape and form. So im hooked for the long haul. If your MM is much older, maybe it's all about maturity, and picking a single MATURE older guy who is all man!
Author Lollie72 Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Some do and most live to regret it. Marriages having their roots in affairs have a very low probability of lasting more than just a couple of years. By then the reality of day-to-day life together sets in, the thrill is gone and the excitement dwindles. It simply becomes a marriage and a rather lackluster one at that. There are also severe trust issues and often extreme pressure from family members. Greener grass is always as lush as advertised! Is other guy came up right as my spouse was heading out of my life, so its more risky to become a rebound thing. And I like him - his potential is worth so much more to me, so I'm trying to not touch him or admit my incredible desire/happiness to even know him until I'm really divorced. I swear I'd rather do rebound sex elsewhere if he may be a great long-term boyfriend some time in the future!!!!(do I sound crazy?)
Curmudgeon Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Not crazy. Just confused, vulnerable, needy and decidedly on the rebound.
sirjay Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 my ex GF was technically the "other woman", although the girl i was living with was a platonic thing based on money and security. she broke up with me after 3 years recently and it got me out of my rut and i moved out and got my life sorted out. we just got back in touch tentatively recently and i really, really hope we can do this properly. i love her more than anything and i know it could be way, way better than it was. i think about her every day and night.
Author Lollie72 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 my ex GF was technically the "other woman", although the girl i was living with was a platonic thing based on money and security. she broke up with me after 3 years recently and it got me out of my rut and i moved out and got my life sorted out. we just got back in touch tentatively recently and i really, really hope we can do this properly. i love her more than anything and i know it could be way, way better than it was. i think about her every day and night. Did she know it was platonic?
bunset Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Oh jeeze, I guess my H is the OM from my first marriage... I married my High School sweetheart 6 months after graduation.. He was my best friend, my first. The 6 1/2 years later I screwed up and slept with a MM (I didn't know until 3 weeks into the affair), rich, successful, intelligent and in my chosen field of career. Duh, he was married with 2 teen sons, so not a chance in hell did I have. (this happened first week of June) But it woke me up, and made me realize that I didn't want to be my husband's mother. I started to hate who I was around him. I didn't want to hand him divorce papers around his birthday, so instead I took up with an unattached guy. (first week of August) He was 10 years older than me, had been divorced for nearly 8 years, non- custodial father of an 8 year-old girl. He admitted to serial adultery in his first marriage. He (the new guy) knew about my fresh affair and accepted it as an exit affair. I began the divorce, moved in with new guy, and proposed to him the day the divorce was final. We married one week later. (November) We had a child about 4 years to-the day after the affair started. He has never been a good friend to me. He's a decent father, though (as long as I'm not around) Have been to marriage counselling on/off 3 times with about 2-3 years between. Next anniversary (16) coming up fast. So, I guess that could be a success story. But, I'm NOT happy. So..... just 2 months ago, I had what I thought was a 1 night stand with a MM while on a trip with mutual friends w/o H. MM insisted on seeing me again and I couldn't resist. We phoned, emailed and chatted a lot, since we're in different cities. I faked a weekend trip with family (they covered for me!) and spent 2 half days with my MM at a resort, while he would travel back home those nights. We've also met a few more times ... But his wife found out... and it's been hell for him for 2 weeks. After she called me to tell me to leave her and her H alone to fix their marriage, I knew I had to finally finish mine. I haven't dropped the bomb yet.. waiting for counselling and finacial arrangements. My MM has called and emailed me several times since d-day, then a 2nd d-day last week. MM explained he had to work on his marriage, although he's expressed some doubts about it. I explained that I wanted NOTHING more than him to be happy and 'imposed' at least 1 month NC, explaining I will be here... Which he HAD to follow-up with the 'official' NC email (as prescribed by counselor and BW) So now I hold my breath
Author Lollie72 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Oh jeeze, I guess my H is the OM from my first marriage... I married my High School sweetheart 6 months after graduation.. He was my best friend, my first. The 6 1/2 years later I screwed up and slept with a MM (I didn't know until 3 weeks into the affair), rich, successful, intelligent and in my chosen field of career. Duh, he was married with 2 teen sons, so not a chance in hell did I have. (this happened first week of June) But it woke me up, and made me realize that I didn't want to be my husband's mother. I started to hate who I was around him. I didn't want to hand him divorce papers around his birthday, so instead I took up with an unattached guy. (first week of August) He was 10 years older than me, had been divorced for nearly 8 years, non- custodial father of an 8 year-old girl. He admitted to serial adultery in his first marriage. He (the new guy) knew about my fresh affair and accepted it as an exit affair. I began the divorce, moved in with new guy, and proposed to him the day the divorce was final. We married one week later. (November) We had a child about 4 years to-the day after the affair started. He has never been a good friend to me. He's a decent father, though (as long as I'm not around) Have been to marriage counselling on/off 3 times with about 2-3 years between. Next anniversary (16) coming up fast. So, I guess that could be a success story. But, I'm NOT happy. So..... just 2 months ago, I had what I thought was a 1 night stand with a MM while on a trip with mutual friends w/o H. MM insisted on seeing me again and I couldn't resist. We phoned, emailed and chatted a lot, since we're in different cities. I faked a weekend trip with family (they covered for me!) and spent 2 half days with my MM at a resort, while he would travel back home those nights. We've also met a few more times ... But his wife found out... and it's been hell for him for 2 weeks. After she called me to tell me to leave her and her H alone to fix their marriage, I knew I had to finally finish mine. I haven't dropped the bomb yet.. waiting for counselling and finacial arrangements. My MM has called and emailed me several times since d-day, then a 2nd d-day last week. MM explained he had to work on his marriage, although he's expressed some doubts about it. I explained that I wanted NOTHING more than him to be happy and 'imposed' at least 1 month NC, explaining I will be here... Which he HAD to follow-up with the 'official' NC email (as prescribed by counselor and BW) So now I hold my breath I thought I had a tangled web...and I just decided I'd file and serve him next week, he's not going to be around for that. It's going to be dragged out. I'm not going to beat myself up if I end up in love openly and in a real flesh relationsinp with this other guy because my spouse is going to drag out the paperwork for eons(it's so part of his sick twisted games).
bunset Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I thought I had a tangled web...and I just decided I'd file and serve him next week, he's not going to be around for that. It's going to be dragged out. I'm not going to beat myself up if I end up in love openly and in a real flesh relationsinp with this other guy because my spouse is going to drag out the paperwork for eons(it's so part of his sick twisted games). You shouldn't fret over your stbxh issues. You're entitled to happiness regardless of anybody's paperwork problems. I don't really count my story as an un-happy ending to an affair (at least not my current failing marriage) but perhaps if I had spent some time off from the first divorce, it might have been better. My last affair, is a big DUH! should've known better. But, obviously, I'm no role model
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I could be wrong, (I'm not saying ALL situations are like this) but I think that if people who got together because they were cheating on their spouses, would have trust issues once ending up with the OM/OW or MM/MW.
bunset Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I could be wrong, (I'm not saying ALL situations are like this) but I think that if people who got together because they were cheating on their spouses, would have trust issues once ending up with the OM/OW or MM/MW. as I stated, my H was a serial cheater in his first marriage... openly admitted and discussed some, prior to ours. Mine was a clear-cut "exit affair" Recently, I morbidly revisited that question with my H. He told me that he didn't know it was really wrong the first time around. That it was supposedly accepted as a masculinity thing, and he now knows it's toll. That's why he has said loudly and clearly that it is a pure deal-breaker now. Funny, but I haven't had one inklng or suspicion of him cheating in 16 years. I don't think I'm naive about it, either. So I'm the heel here.. I went a solid 15 years before it crossed my mind again. Never would have if we didn't have major issues already. So, no, can't say as I'd be worried again. But it doesn't feel like a fatal mistake to me, just a symptom of something else.
sirjay Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Did she know it was platonic? I tried to reassure her about it when the subject came up but she never quite believed me as you can imagine. she said i had really hurt her and she couldnt wait any longer. i told her i would move right there and then for her but she said she wanted me to do it for me, not for her, and wouldnt make any promises. we fought later on and she said she didnt want to get back together. i ended up saying we couldnt be friends anymore and cutting her off completely and then she got really hurt and called up loads and cried. then i did NC for 5 weeks and she got back in touch recently for no real reason. i dont know if she is playing games or if she misses me, or if she just wants to be friends. i told her times i could never just be that to her. i dont know what her intentions are now. we exchanged a couple of emails and she said she was super busy at the moment but we would speak. every i speak to has a different opinion about it its killing me. i want to be with her so bad. i should probably let it go but i feel like we are so compatible and i miss her so much.
Author Lollie72 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 I tried to reassure her about it when the subject came up but she never quite believed me as you can imagine. she said i had really hurt her and she couldnt wait any longer. i told her i would move right there and then for her but she said she wanted me to do it for me, not for her, and wouldnt make any promises. we fought later on and she said she didnt want to get back together. i ended up saying we couldnt be friends anymore and cutting her off completely and then she got really hurt and called up loads and cried. then i did NC for 5 weeks and she got back in touch recently for no real reason. i dont know if she is playing games or if she misses me, or if she just wants to be friends. i told her times i could never just be that to her. i dont know what her intentions are now. we exchanged a couple of emails and she said she was super busy at the moment but we would speak. every i speak to has a different opinion about it its killing me. i want to be with her so bad. i should probably let it go but i feel like we are so compatible and i miss her so much. If you love her like that, then why did you do the cutting her off for 5 weeks thing? What was so wrong? And why cannot you communicate your truth to her now, what's holding you back?
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