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Posted

About a year ago, I moved in with my BF of 6 months. It took a long time to get to that point. Within the first month of dating, I had tried to break things off, but he was persistent. I liked that. It was a change for me, being the one who was being pursued. Over time, I truly grew to care for him, and felt I loved him. And I know he loved me.

 

We had some issues. He is controlling at times, and does not agree with my priorities (success in my career is very important to me). He is also dependent on me. He wouldn't do things, even with his own friends, unless I went, too. This was in early December 2005, and I was feeling somewhat doubtful.

 

Then something happened. For several years, I had a huge crush on my boss. More than a crush. I was in love with him. But I never did anything about it. He was married, he had kids, and he was my boss. I think that was part of the reason I was resistant to my BF at first. Then, as time went on, and my relationship with my BF grew, I sort of "got over" my feelings for my boss.

 

At our Xmas party, we talked, a lot. For the first time, I started feeling something mutual. I kissed him goodnight, and he pulled me in for a real kiss. It kept going. I told him that I had always loved him.

 

Over the next few weeks, it blossomed into a full-blown affair. It was exciting. It was intense. He fell in love with me. We are so compatible, so comfortable with each other. But, the same issues--although he is separated now, he is still married; and he is still my boss--continue.

 

About 2 months into this affair (we had slept together about 10 times), things came to a head with my BF. I told him that I had feelings for my boss, and that they were reciprocated, but I did not tell him about the sex. (he asked; I lied) At first, we almost broke up. He was depressed and went on medication. He asked me to see a counselor with him, and I agreed. I also agreed to try to work on things between us. And I started feeling very guilty about what I had done. For all the problems we had, I did miss him and the way we had been before this all started. I was, to say the least, very confused.

 

I told my boss that we had to stop, that I needed to focus on my relationship with my BF to see if I was making a mistake. I felt that, if I was supposed to be with my boss, it would eventually happen, but not until after we were both available. He was not happy about this, but did accept it. We still work together and, quite frankly, from time to time, have not lived up to our agreement. We have had sex 4 times since we "agreed" to stop. It usually happens after a couple of drinks, but it happens, and I usually feel very bad about it afterwards. He also was, for a time, nagging me to break up with my BF, to "get it over with." This actually angered me. I needed space and patience.

 

The efforts with my BF have not been great. He still complains about my priorities, does not think I will make a good mother unless I change my ways, etc. But he also has been amazingly patient and says that he wants me to figure things out for myself and that he will be waiting for me if I decide to stay with him. Again, he does not really know the full extent of my relationship with my boss.

 

Three weeks ago, I moved in with a friend. Our joint counselor had actually recommended this. I told my BF that I had to try this. It has been hard. I do miss him. Sometimes I miss him terribly. Other times, I think that, even though he is a great guy, he is just not right for me. Then I wonder if I am making a huge mistake.

 

Some days I want to go back home, to him, and start all over. Other days, I start looking for apartments. When I look at him, I feel awful about what I did to him--and he still doesn't even know everything.

 

So, I don't know what to do.

 

(1) If I move back, and we start over, should I tell him everything? He may find it out on him own, and then what?

 

(2) Do my feelings for and actions with my boss simply mean that my feelings for my BF will never be enough?

 

(3) I don't know if my boss and I will ever be together for real. Despite that, is it time to move on?

Posted

I think first you need to sort out your feelings and decide whether you have stronger feelings for your boss or your bf. Perhaps don't see either of them for a while. It's not cool to keep stringing your bf along while you're still sleeping with your boss.

 

(1): Before you move back and start over, tell your bf that you and your boss have been intimate and have slept together, although I wouldn't go into much detail. Whether you tell him or not, I do believe the truth will eventually come out one way or another. Your bf will be hurt, regardless.

 

(2): Only you can decide that one. Are you willing to ruin it with your bf for him. Who do you want more.

 

(3): This is confusing. It'll be hard to move on when you're sleeping with him constantly. Break off contact and see how things turn out.

Posted

ok i post this thing from other tread so i just copy paste this..

i have to show this to you so you can understand what the hell in really happening..

 

Women don't thrive on positive emotions alone. If they did, then all the flowers, chocolates, and love poetry would cause a woman to remain forever faithful. There are techniques on sosuave that prove women respond better when their emotions are being thrown all over the place. The neg-hit and cocky/funny are a couple of big ones. These cause women to go through a huge emotional rollercoaster. Here's an example of a neg-hit, kino, and cocky/funny all thrown together and what she's feeling:

 

Guy: (patting her on the head) Awww, you're so CUTE when you're clumsy!

Girl: (confused look) f*** off! (smiling)

Emotions: He's touching me! Yeah! Wait a minute, he just insulted me! But he called me cute! Oh my god, this is so exciting!

 

When a man feels excitement, it's usually a positive rush of emotions, but a woman feels excitement when she's feeling a whole bunch of different emotions in a short amount of time. The emotions don't have to all be positive. Some can be very negative!

 

A woman needs her man to push her emotions all over the scale. NICEGUYSs will work at pushing (and keeping) her emotions toward the positive end of the scale. When you realize that the emotional rollercoaster gets results, you know that constant happiness is boring for her. She needs her emotions to go bezerk to become excited!

 

Simply put, a woman will cheat on her bf if you shake her emotions around more than her bf does. She'll run off with you for some excitement while her bf continues to sit comfortably in his relationship, thinking his work was done after the first "I Love You". He believes that he only needs to keep her happy to keep her attracted. WRONG.

 

So, who's she going to be more attracted to? The guy who's comfortable in the relationship, or the guy who's making her feel strong emotions (being a combination of both positive and negative)?

 

This is the motivation for women to even begin thinking of moving on from their boring bf. Eventually, the negative emotion of cheating on her bf gets thrown into the mix. The mere idea of cheating on him will actually help DRIVE her to cheat on him! It's an extreme emotion of doing something wrong, and it'll aid her in feeling excited when you're making out with her. A man armed with this knowledge will be able to slide her from under the bf's nose.

Posted

 

(1) If I move back, and we start over, should I tell him everything? He may find it out on him own, and then what?

 

(2) Do my feelings for and actions with my boss simply mean that my feelings for my BF will never be enough?

 

(3) I don't know if my boss and I will ever be together for real. Despite that, is it time to move on?

 

my advice..

1) i recommened that you move back to your bf and start all over..dont tell him everything ...it just wont do any good...

 

2)no...youre boss just give you excitement...and pleasurable sex..its not worth investing..and besides there is no such thing as perfect bf or perfect relationship... your bf have flaws and so your boss..and so am i..what you need to seek is contentment.

 

3)your boss will never leave her wife and besides a if she cheats to her wife and children he might cheat on you someday..

 

BE SMART DONT LET YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND BETRAYE YOU..

Posted
ok i post this thing from other tread so i just copy paste this..

i have to show this to you so you can understand what the hell in really happening..

 

Women don't thrive on positive emotions alone. If they did, then all the flowers, chocolates, and love poetry would cause a woman to remain forever faithful. There are techniques on sosuave that prove women respond better when their emotions are being thrown all over the place. The neg-hit and cocky/funny are a couple of big ones. These cause women to go through a huge emotional rollercoaster. Here's an example of a neg-hit, kino, and cocky/funny all thrown together and what she's feeling:

 

Guy: (patting her on the head) Awww, you're so CUTE when you're clumsy!

Girl: (confused look) f*** off! (smiling)

Emotions: He's touching me! Yeah! Wait a minute, he just insulted me! But he called me cute! Oh my god, this is so exciting!

 

When a man feels excitement, it's usually a positive rush of emotions, but a woman feels excitement when she's feeling a whole bunch of different emotions in a short amount of time. The emotions don't have to all be positive. Some can be very negative!

 

A woman needs her man to push her emotions all over the scale. NICEGUYSs will work at pushing (and keeping) her emotions toward the positive end of the scale. When you realize that the emotional rollercoaster gets results, you know that constant happiness is boring for her. She needs her emotions to go bezerk to become excited!

 

Simply put, a woman will cheat on her bf if you shake her emotions around more than her bf does. She'll run off with you for some excitement while her bf continues to sit comfortably in his relationship, thinking his work was done after the first "I Love You". He believes that he only needs to keep her happy to keep her attracted. WRONG.

 

So, who's she going to be more attracted to? The guy who's comfortable in the relationship, or the guy who's making her feel strong emotions (being a combination of both positive and negative)?

 

This is the motivation for women to even begin thinking of moving on from their boring bf. Eventually, the negative emotion of cheating on her bf gets thrown into the mix. The mere idea of cheating on him will actually help DRIVE her to cheat on him! It's an extreme emotion of doing something wrong, and it'll aid her in feeling excited when you're making out with her. A man armed with this knowledge will be able to slide her from under the bf's nose.

 

A lot of this stuff is technically abusive in nature...yes like any self respecting woman would go for it and like to be abused!

Posted

But I've not cheated, I just want to very badly. SOmething is keeping you sleeping with the boss. It's not fair to your BF at all to stay committed whether or not your doing it for guilt over cheating, or because you had some great moments together. Your confused. Slooooow DOWN and take your time before making any more decisions at all. And don't sleep with both guys. A pregnancy would make things aweful for you.

Posted

What you are doing to yourself is so incredibly self destructive. You have 2 completely seperate issues going on.....

 

The boyfriend, you mentioned that you wanted to break things off almost immediately. You say hes controlling... thats not good. Imagine being married to him. How would he act towards you then? Especially if he found out afterwards you mad a major affiar with your own Boss. Personally, I would drop you and never look back. Not even for a second.

 

The Boss, you never ever mess with someone who you work with. I know a lot of people do it. Its a fact of life, but the fact hes still married, even though he claims to be seperated, WoW. He is in a complete position of power over you, and you enjoy surrendering to that.

 

You cant seem to stay away from your boss. Even though you want to, you keep repeating old patterns.

 

I would break off all personal contact with your boss. No after work drinks. No social behavior with him what so ever. Guys married. This scenario can go horribly wrong so many different ways, I would get out now while the gettings good.

Posted

i agree with donpepot.. I also read that to some book about woman behaviors.... girls mostly left their boyfriend because of new excitement that the new guy brought them... mix emtions makes them excited...

 

CAthy even admit it

 

Over the next few weeks, it blossomed into a full-blown affair. It was exciting. It was intense. He fell in love with me. We are so compatible, so comfortable with each other. But, the same issues--although he is separated now, he is still married; and he is still my boss--continue.

 

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the responses, even if they are all over the Board.

 

What I am feeling is this: if I really loved my BF, if he was right for me, I not only would not have been in love with my boss, I would never have acted on it. Also, I don't think I am right for him. Even with what little he does know, I do not really understand why he would even want to be with me now. At some point, he has to get upset or angry about this. What if that happens two years into a marriage?

 

I really don't know. Is what happened a big red flag that, for all the good things about him, my BF is not who I should be with? Or has this all been a test, a very hard test, of our commitment to each other?

Posted
if I really loved my BF, if he was right for me, I not only would not have been in love with my boss, I would never have acted on it.

 

You seem to think that being in love with someone somehow innoculates you against ever finding anyone else interesting and somehow prevents you from opening your mouth or moving your arms and legs. That's not the case. You've seen this before: "love is a verb". It means that since you've given your heart to someone, you don't take it back and give it to someone else. It means that when you find someone else interesting, you walk away from that person, not toward him. Love isn't a warm fuzzy feeling; it's about the actions you take to protect someone you care for because you care for him.

 

When you put your own wishes before the feelings of someone who loves you, you don't love that person.

Posted

I think the whole thing don posted would apply to men as well. Basically, most people want what they can't have. It seems like human beings are all drama queens. Except the enlightened ones who've been there and realize that it's counterintuitive and doesn't really work.

 

Cathy,

 

If I were you I'd really take a look at myself and figure out why I am drawn to this kind of drama. It's unhealthy. The married guy/separated guy is no good for you.

Posted
Thanks for the responses, even if they are all over the Board.

 

What I am feeling is this: if I really loved my BF, if he was right for me, I not only would not have been in love with my boss,I would never have acted on it.

nah..youre human...and you have a crush to your boss...the thing is he kissed you..and that what is started it all.. all the hormones and chemicals in your body got out of hand ..

I really don't know. Is what happened a big red flag that, for all the good things about him, my BF is not who I should be with? Or has this all been a test, a very hard test, of our commitment to each other?

yup life is not perfect..its a test...be strong...dont abandon him..i promise you ...you will regret it somday
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