witabix Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I cannot really believe I am asking this question, but here goes.... I am 46 my g/f is 29. (Shocked?) We have ben together for 4 months. Friends before we got together. Between us it is great, really close and happy. She told me yesterday that her mother is very concerned about our age difference, and her father is concerned about how her and her sisters ex'es treated them. Now I understand all this and why they have these concerns. Her other sister and family are over to visit this next few weeks. I am excluded because of her fathers worries, he does not want me to stay in the house. Being who I am I said its ok, I get it, I wish to show respect for her father and I will understand. Are there any LS'ers who are over 60 who can empathise with this? Would you judge your daughters b/f based on previous b/f's? I get on great with her mother, we have met a good few times, we seem to hit it off really well. She still has this "Will it be the same in 20 years attitude?", which I really do not get. What do I do? I want, as always to show respect and give due dignity to other people, but I do not want to be the whipping boy for others mistakes. Nor do I want to make my g/f feel as though I do not want to be there. I would feel very awkward now that I know what I know, being around her parents. So how do I break this down. Her father is VERY uncommunicative, even with his wife. We are VERY different people, he likes grass, the mowing kind I hasten to add, I am so far away from him. Do I just play it cool? And how do I do that without making it seem like I am being distant and cold?
Blackfrost Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Are there any LS'ers who are over 60 who can empathise with this? Would you judge your daughters b/f based on previous b/f's? Over 60? huh? anyways, yes there will be a certain amount of natural judgement by the parents against the current vs. prior boyfriends. They have personal concerns as to why their daughter chooses the men she chooses, question whether they actually raised her well, and question the motivations of the newest guy on the block. You are going to have some additional worry attached to you because of the age difference - I think that's a valid reaction on there part. Do I just play it cool? Be cool, consistent, and honor his daughter, and he will grow to like you - it's only because of past experiences with their daughters exes, that they have grown leary, and hence have some baggage that you have to stand back and understand. You don't need to be the fathers best friend - respect will work just fine until he decides you really are a good guy, and not like the others. Unfortunately I think the age difference will always be something that will come up in their heads forever - but that's their issue to deal with amongst themselves, and not your problem. cheers
Author witabix Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Yes BF, that sounds right and fair. Thanks.
HokeyReligions Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Blackfrost said almost exactly what I was going to say! Age difference, in spite of all we want to believe that it doesn't matter when people are in love, does matter. Especially as people grow older and age naturally takes its toll on the human body. You probably feel great now, are in good health, have energy (physically and mentally) to 'keep up' with her. She may be full of the same energy as you when she is your age - but will you still be able to keep up with her when you are in your 60's? Will she be caring for you or sharing with you then? That is what I would be thinking about if I were her parent. I would be so afraid that my daughter would be hurt because she might be so restricted from being able to do things that she could/should be doing when she hits middle age. Love is one thing - but even with the deepest love there can be hidden resentments that surface at middle age when one sees others (peers) going on vacations, playing with grandkids, getting promotions, etc. and that part of their life has passed them by and they are spending time going to doctors, taking pills, taking sedate vacations because they (or their spouse) is not up to the physical challenge. Or the relatively young person (mid to late 40's) ending up a widow and alone with no one to grow old with. That might not be true for you -- lots of people in their 60's are energetic and lots of people in their 20's & 30's are held back by physical (or emotional/mental) problems - but the risks increase for what I mentioned above. You can't erase those concerns from anyone because no one can know what the future holds. I'm saying those things because I married a man who is older than me - though not as much as your age difference. In the beginning we would go out and do things and were more equal in our energies and health - but as time progressed he began developing health problems. I spent most of my adult life going to doctors and caring for him after his surgeries and health problems. When I wanted to go and do - he was unable and somewhat unwilling because that part of his life was over and he was at the ge where he just didn't want to do that anymore -- it was out of his system. I've resented it at times even though I love him. Now that I am older too I think back sometimes about the things I've missed. Hubby will tell me "you didn't miss much - let me tell you about my experience with that" which doesn't really help, although I know he means it in a way that he thinks he is helping me not feel bad about it. You are doing the right thing by respecting her parents wishes, but maybe you will be able to open a dialog with them at some point by discussing their concerns and your concerns about the age difference. You are probably closer in age to them they you are to their daughter? That may give you some common ground when talking about how you were raised to respect women and relationships and they may see that your views about love, honor, respect are more aligned with what they want for their daughter.
basscatcher Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I have had family concerned about age to when I've dated older then myself. The biggest gap I've had is 13 years my elder and my brother was 16 years. Our familys had ligitimate reasons for their concerns due to maturity levels and experiences. The younger one tends to be the more they still have much to go through in life before they can make a somewhat reasonable mature decision.. Being your gf is 29 and you are 47 I don't think her age would be a huge huge issue concerning her maturity. Her familys concerns maybe more based on the decisions they know she has made in HER past that you haven't seen or don't know. My mother has always been right every time on her judgements on the men I've brought home. My mom has seen the good in every man I've introduced her too and she can see what I seen in them but she knew based on my personality, temperment, and reasoning if those relationships would work out or not. I am close to my mom so she knows me and what kind of person it takes to live with me. Youve been with this lady for 4 months there is still much to learn and discover. Some people would think that at 4 months it might be too early to go to each others family events. I don't know if you are understanding what I am saying. If the family is close they can usually tell if their family member is compatable with their SO when dating. (Provided they are a pretty balanced and healthy family.) The gf I had that passed away this week married a man 30 years her younger. Her children were older then her husband. They didn't approve of her marrying this young man. She (Janis) chose to stick it out with him even at the dismay of her children. It took about a year or little more for her children to accept this man. They seen how happy he made her and how good he was to her. They accepted him on those merits. Janis was a stubborn lady and she told her children that he was her choice and they had to learn to accept him because he was going to be apart of her life. Janis didn't push her husband into her kids faces. She reminded them that she was very happy with him and he treated her well. It took a lot of time but her children learned to accept him as they got to know him. Maybe this is were you are at. You need to be patient and wait for her family to see that you two will stand the test of time. They have their doubts; let them have them. You and you lady need to go about your relationship and continue to get to know each other on THIS level. Even when you know each other as friends for a long time you will still learn deeper things about each other when you become more intimate. Be patient Wit. Your relationship with her will prove it self either way. (by the way-- my brother didn't last with his younger partner but they did have 2 children together. Obviously, I didn't last with my older partner because I wanted excitement and fun in my life-he was a bit more laid back and wanting to relax in life, he was also an alcoholic and I couldn't live with it. My gf and her husband had9 years of beautiful marriage and their love grew more and more with each passing year. Now he is a widower at the age of 37 she died at 67. Imagin what he is feeling now at such a young age without the love of his life?) I would be patient in your situation. If her dad doesn't want you involved with the family function then adhere to his wishes. Slowly, in time make little efforts to go visit her family and be cordial to her father. I think the test of time is the proof her family is looking for as well as your conduct. Best of luck..
Author witabix Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Thanks Hokey and Pada. Her recent ex was a drug dealer, and seems totally to have gone a little off the wall since they split up last year. He visited her sister a short time ago, to deliver her mail (Several months worth!). She suffered very badly during the relationship. not eating, drug use and depression. So I know they are worried about her. Her mother has said she seems in better health and is looking great now. I am very aware of the age thing. I will just play it cool and let it work itself out. Maybe all she needs is a stable and safe place to recover her self respect and balance. When her parents see she is happy and safe now they will relax. It will be interesting to see how this works out. Thanks all for your thoughts.
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