KittenMoon Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 This is purely hypothetical, but I am curious as to how others would deal with a situation like this. My ex and I broke up 4 months ago. There were a lot of issues during the last several months, a big one for me (but not the only one) being his female friend. They were good friends, which was not unusual for us- we have many close cross-gender relationships, it's always been the way in my social group. She had a bf who she had lots of problems with, they were always on and off, he was always trying to comfort her, etc. On top of our problems, this drove me nuts after a while. I felt like I did nothing right, while she could s*** diamonds. I tried not to get crazy about it, told him how I felt, he said he understood and was sorry it wasn't like that, but this and our other problems continued to compound. Then we broke up. While I know for a fact their relationship isn't "like that", and this girl actually comforted me afterwards as I considered her a friend at that point, we fell out of touch, and I realized that I thought of her as a very toxic person. She has very toxic personality issues and actions. I have many reasons to feel this way, including reasons having nothing to do with my ex. I have decided I have no reason to have her in my life ever again. Here's where the hypothetical part comes into play: A reconciliation with my ex is not out of the realm of possibility. But I have realized IF this were to occur, I would not want to see this girl, be her friend, or have to share her with this guy. I simply find her to be a self-serving, insecure, attention whore. He considers her his good friend, but I would NOT have her in my life again. So: If you were in this situation and you wanted to reconcile with the woman/man you loved for years, the person you would very likely marry, would you be willing to drop a friendship that hurt them purely because they wanted you to? And I mean really drop it. Or, would this be too selfish on their end? One way or the other- no middle ground- what would you do? (I am just curious- I tend to obsess over ideas, even things that wouldn't or have never happened, and I am trying a coping mechanism where you use others experiences and opinions as a realistic touchstone for situations instead of letting your imagination tear you apart. Please- no lectures on the feasibility of reconciliation, etc, this is purely hypothetical)
shoedevil Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 So: If you were in this situation and you wanted to reconcile with the woman/man you loved for years, the person you would very likely marry, would you be willing to drop a friendship that hurt them purely because they wanted you to? And I mean really drop it. Or, would this be too selfish on their end? My fiance and I have gone throught a similar situation. She's expressed discomfort with a one or two of my friends (though I don't hang out with them all that much, and we aren't the best of friends), and I've told her that if it was ever a sticking point, I'd have no problem removing a friend from the picture entirely. I don't think it'll ever come to that, but friends do come and go. They haven't made a commitment to stick by you for the long-term. If you're looking to get married, then I don't see why you'd let someone outside of the relationship affect it so. Hypothetically speaking, if he didn't want to drop the friendship for the sake of the relationship, then it's pretty clear what his priorities are: friends first, girlfriend second.
scrybe74 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I've been his position before and dropped a good female friend and later married my GF. I consider it one of the worst mistakes of my life. My friend and I are friends again and my marriage is no more. I would not consider my friend 'toxic' but the bottom line is that if a GF asked me to stop being friends with anyone I considered a good longterm friend then I would say no. I WOULD risk losing the love relationship over friendship. My friends have proven to be consistent, caring, accepting and supportive and have been that way for the last 12-20 years.
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