MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I have a new man…again. It’s been two months (that’s a new record since my marriage separation). Things are going well aside from the fact that we’ve broken a lot of the dating rules I’ve read about on LS. My biggest worry is communication. This was a major factor in my marriage not working out. I don’t know how to get him to have a serious conversation with me. We talk about events, my kids, what we’re doing next week, work, but never about “us”. Or maybe guys prefer it that way? But I’d like to know what he is feeling, what his dreams are, and if we’re on the same page without being pushy or sounding like I’m quizzing him or trying to get him to change. In my marriage we never talked about things that were bothering us, and he would stew about things and eventually withhold sex if I couldn’t figure out he was mad about something. I had no idea. We never talked. I don’t want this to happen again, but I don’t know how to get serious conversations started. Any suggestions? Here is more background…we met online, we live 40 min apart, talk about an hour on the phone each day, we’ve spent over 15 nights together, he has met my kids, we’ve met each others’ parents, he has no kids and was married for 5 years (single for ten years now), we’re both 40-ish, and we have said those 3 little words already. I am not really insecure in this relationship, and if my mind does start racing I choose not to react to it. I sense a little bit of insecurity on his part as well, but I don’t mind it. He is very affectionate, we have great sex (like WOW) and we both talk about that a lot. I don’t want him to get bored with me but I don’t want to play silly games either. We’re both pretty laid back and easy going. Our “signs” say we’re a good match (if you believe in that stuff). Any other ideas how we can keep this thing growing? I would like to get some more “romance” from him (IE flowers….I love to get flowers! And his profile said he gives “flowers for no reason” but I’m still waiting).
Outcast Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 It’s been two months we’ve spent over 15 nights together, he has met my kids, we’ve met each others’ parents, he has no kids and was married for 5 years (single for ten years now), we’re both 40-ish, and we have said those 3 little words already. Much too much much too soon. Slow down. Trust me on this, the chances you'll feel differently a year from now are extremely good. Take it easy and take your time. Do not make any marriage plans for at least another ten months.
Blackfrost Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 My biggest worry is communication. This was a major factor in my marriage not working out. I don’t know how to get him to have a serious conversation with me. We talk about events, my kids, what we’re doing next week, work, but never about “us”. Or maybe guys prefer it that way? But I’d like to know what he is feeling, what his dreams are, and if we’re on the same page without being pushy or sounding like I’m quizzing him or trying to get him to change. I definitely know and agree that comminication is the key to all relationship levels - dating, marriage, etc. But all guys are wired a little different on the "need" to share dreams and feelings (deep inner stuff) - because many of us were brought up in a male repressed emotional state. Some, like me, do like to talk too much about this kind of stuff - or only when I feel it's not going to make me feel overly vulnerable or scare the hell out of my woman. Alot of us guys have women who expect us to be focused, driven, and CONSISTENT (which helps to equal security and stability). To bring up things like "I want to just throw all this corporate crap away - and live my dream of running a small diving shop on the island of Rarotonga" would scare the bejeezus out of my woman, because she would then worry for days as to whether i'm seriously considering it - and it may or may not fit into her dreams and plans for the future. I don't need to have seriously deep conversations to reach a successful communicative state where a relationship functions well. I feel that being honest with the things that are before us, and making those plans together, is the most important part of relationship comminication. Anything beyond that is conjecture. Cheers
Ladyybug Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I agree with both posts. Take it a little bit slower and on all levels communication is key. But since you two have already said those three words, it would seem that you have already had those conversations. If not, how do you know exactly what it is you love about one another? Maybe you are moving a little too fast.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 I have no plans to remarry. I could wait another ten years for that. Yes I agree we have moved fast but I'm not sure how to proceed and make sure it's not just about sex. I know it's not just sex, I've been in sex only relationships before. This weekend we have a break as he had things to do and I have my kids. I don't believe I am "in love", or that he is "the one" but this is a nice secure comfortable thing we have going on, and he is fulfilling alot of the things I have missed out on in the last several years of my marriage and since I separated (mostly the affection). The guys I dated in the last year would see me maybe once every couple weeks and very few phone calls, so this is a nice change. So that's what I love about him, and I have told him that. I haven't asked him what he loves about me. I guess I'd rather him just tell me...but to me that's like asking him to bring me flowers. I'm pretty sure he will say it's the sex. I guess I should ask him "besides the sex, what do you love about me?" Is that pathetic? And even if he doesn't love me yet, I don't care....which I guess is why I haven't asked. I just don't want him to get bored of me. I don't see many of my friends over the summer, and other than stuff with my kids, we've only gone out with his friends and not mine.
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