UnknowingOW Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I agree RC. Once you find that trigger that finally allows your heart to let go, there is no turning back. I think I know what mine was: Other that fact that he didn't admit he was married (which is a HUGE lie, of course), he was always honest about everything. To a fault sometimes, and his honesty hurt me at times. Anyway, he said he hadn't been intimate with his wife while we were together and would not be knowing that I would instantly leave if that were to happen. I just don't play that game. I don't share. (Which, I know, sounds contradictory, being the OW and all....but I held his heart and his soul....so I didn't feel as though I was sharing him. Now that the fog has cleared, I know I was, but back then, I believed she only "had" him geographically, not physically or emotionally.) Anyway, when she found out about me, like most women, she "marked her territory." I asked him if she seduced him and he said she had. It was his duty and she was so distraught....he felt as if he needed to do that to make her "feel better." That was the break for me. He will never touch me again. He knew what would happen should he be intimate with her. And, he did it anyway. Destroyed me emotionally, too, when he did it. My heart snapped. My head took over, and I haven't looked back. Nope, I don't need this.... So, I agree. There will be a defining moment for every xOW. And, although mine was quite painful, it got me where I am now. Here today. Alone but wiser. Alone but healthier. Alone but stronger. And that isn't such a bad place to be. Hugs WA I've never asked if he was still intimate with his W. Part of me doesn't want to know the truth...yes, I guess it's living blindly. However, I would like to imagine he isn't since they aren't living together. And his lie was like your xMM...he never told me he was married. Everything else has been the truth to a fault. He wrote again today...this time he said something to the affect of "when we see each other again." All the time I read this I thought...are you kidding? You are married. Yes, I may want you, love you, but I'm not going to get caught up in this affair and have it shatter so many lives in it's wake. He knows I won't be with him phsyically...I've made that very CLEAR. He knows he's got to be single...unattached for me to ever be with him again. Pain, pain go away don't come back any other day. Let that trigger happen...I'm begging for it.
Walking away Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I know how you feel, sweetie. Hang in there. That trigger will come. With mine, alot of pain joined it. I was writhing in pain when he admitted that he slept with her. Dropped me to my knees and I am not exaggerating about this. But,after hurting like a mother, it hit me. He had been warned. I had been true to him and I expected the same from him. He failed me. And with that, he threw our love away. He knows it. I told him. I had NO CHOICE but to leave and move on. I was not going to compromise my standards and values for anyone. Not even him.
movinon05 Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Who knows? Do you really want to be with someone who MIGHT be sleeping with someone else? Would you put up with that with a single guy? Why is it so different when they are married? It is worse because they LIVE with another woman! I am constantly amazed by the blinders that I wore for 7 months! Sheesh! This is a very valid point!! My exMM denied, denied, denied, that he has ever slept with his W during all of this. Because of his hypocritical thinking that if I was ever with another guy it would mean I didn't love him enough, it makes it very difficult to call him on that without knowing the God's honest truth. I've always felt if he could be with his W when he swore me to be faithful to him, that I would never accept it. For some reason, this last "moment" I went through started to cloud my judgment. Why, I truly don't know.
Walking away Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I understand. I could NOT be with someone who chooses to betray me for ANY reason. He came and found me. I was not the one lying about my marital status. He knew what my expectations were once he revealed his status. A person who willingly chooses to betray me that way is a person who is not worthy of my love. I would imagine that I felt at that moment of truth much like the BS felt. It is an ugly, ugly place to be. He will never do that to me again. I won't let him.
Author RealityCheck Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 WA, yeah, he's not sleeping with her right now... But who really knows?!! He told me that he is FULL of testoterone and masturbates at least once or twice a day. So, if he's so into sex, and lives with his wife, and only sees me once every two three weeks? I mean, he has got to be having sex somewhere. ANYWAY. RC! PM me too, please, I will just visualize my MM saying what yours said to you, and hopefully I will be able to jump off this roller coaster too! You should start a thread, on "what was your last straw with MM?" As far as starting a new thread. One day perhaps, for today let's just bounce it off each other privately. You got it babes! I will pming and fire the outcome to you! It may take a little time because I got a hectic schedule with responding to pmings in general.....lol But it will get to you!
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Update..... MM called 4 times yesterday and drove by my house! Grrrrrrr...... Not at all impressed! He called me this morning and I finally picked up the phone and said.. "if you call here one more time, I'm sending the dogs on you" (Cops) Believe me! I will!
movinon05 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Oh for crying out loud!! Knowing you the way I know you now, he's doing exactly the opposite of what he should be doing!! And making it ten times worse for himself!! Blech
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Oh for crying out loud!! Knowing you the way I know you now, he's doing exactly the opposite of what he should be doing!! And making it ten times worse for himself!! Blech Yes he is!! Actually what he is showing me about himself is co-dependancy! Never did like that trait in anyone! Funny when your smack in the middle of something, we really can't see all the other crap until its over! *sigh* it is a process.
movinon05 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 You know, RC, the reality is that he cannot deal with your reality and your terms. So he is in total denial, probably assuming/wishing/hoping that you will change your mind about your terms. He obviously cannot deal with this right now. And I'm sorry, but he is a very confused/conflicted/emotionally needy man right now. He needs a friend to talk to him.
lovernotafighter Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 oh wow RC ,this man has it soo bad! every time I step outside of the box in my relationship MM I see him as a co-dependent wimp..and it's very very unattractive. I don't blame ya a bit for letting this one go..
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 You know, RC, the reality is that he cannot deal with your reality and your terms. So he is in total denial, probably assuming/wishing/hoping that you will change your mind about your terms. He obviously cannot deal with this right now. And I'm sorry, but he is a very confused/conflicted/emotionally needy man right now. He needs a friend to talk to him. Well then maybe I can referr him to "Big Brothers"......lol
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 oh wow RC ,this man has it soo bad! every time I step outside of the box in my relationship MM I see him as a co-dependent wimp..and it's very very unattractive. I don't blame ya a bit for letting this one go.. Yes LNF, he does have it real bad, but I'm starting to think this is NOT a good thing:sick:
Sami_D Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Yes LNF, he does have it real bad, but I'm starting to think this is NOT a good thing:sick: Hmm... well I'm sticking to my original idea about him. He likes the chase, and he likes to win. Last time he got you in the sack... he is playing for the same result this time. NC, turning up unannounced, driving by... and you are almost as upredictable. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think the two of you love this game of push me pull you. (apologies if I have not enough info here, not been reading for a month)
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Hmm... well I'm sticking to my original idea about him. He likes the chase, and he likes to win. Last time he got you in the sack... he is playing for the same result this time. NC, turning up unannounced, driving by... and you are almost as upredictable. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think the two of you love this game of push me pull you. (apologies if I have not enough info here, not been reading for a month) No Sami, you haven't been reading enough, granted I have not posted everything on here either. Some of the OW's know first hand because I've been using pming and chat line. You have been out of the loop where my story is concerned for sometime. Bye the way, how are you holding out?
Sami_D Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 No Sami, you haven't been reading enough, granted I have not posted everything on here either. Some of the OW's know first hand because I've been using pming and chat line. You have been out of the loop where my story is concerned for sometime. Bye the way, how are you holding out? Ah right. Just my gut feeling about him... I have always thought he was a manipulative whatsit, but I think it must be your posting style or something then..? But didn't I read the other night that he ignored your request to not turn up unannounced and you're completely off him now? I'm fine. Two months now and I have my bad days, but on the whole doing well. No real temptation to break NC. It's a real relationship or nothing for me. Not that I don't have times when I think it would be easier for me to just give in after 6 months or so... especially when I think about how difficult it must be for a man to leave his kids... but... but I have to have faith that he will get the strength to do it eventually. Still on track, in a nutshell.
Author RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Ah right. Just my gut feeling about him... I have always thought he was a manipulative whatsit, but I think it must be your posting style or something then..? But didn't I read the other night that he ignored your request to not turn up unannounced and you're completely off him now? I'm fine. Two months now and I have my bad days, but on the whole doing well. No real temptation to break NC. It's a real relationship or nothing for me. Not that I don't have times when I think it would be easier for me to just give in after 6 months or so... especially when I think about how difficult it must be for a man to leave his kids... but... but I have to have faith that he will get the strength to do it eventually. Still on track, in a nutshell. Nice to hear that on the whole your doing well! I can honestly, whole heartedly say 100! OFF!! s*** went down here that just totally had a 160 spin in my head space. There are just certain boundries not to cross with me and he DID! Like I said...numb, feel nothing.
Jessie61 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Still on track, in a nutshell. Sami, Just logged in...... Welcome back! Great to "see" you! I am also glad that you are keeping well and sticking to your plan. I am sure that you are following the soccer very closely???? Nail biting stuff sometimes....
Sami_D Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Aha! So here is where you are, Jessie... lol. Just read your message to me on the 'going on' thread Yes, following the footie closely... Have managed to watch every match so far (had to employ two TVs last week haha). I suppose you're supporting France, eh? I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. We haven't really had a nail-biting moment yet, but I suppose the first will come on Saturday.
Jessie61 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Aha! So here is where you are, Jessie... lol. Just read your message to me on the 'going on' thread Yes, following the footie closely... Have managed to watch every match so far (had to employ two TVs last week haha). I suppose you're supporting France, eh? I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. We haven't really had a nail-biting moment yet, but I suppose the first will come on Saturday. Yes, France is my second team at this stage because of my location and the "Arsenal" factor (read: Thierry Henry... ) We'll see how it goes....
UnknowingOW Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Nice to hear that on the whole your doing well! I can honestly, whole heartedly say 100! OFF!! s*** went down here that just totally had a 160 spin in my head space. There are just certain boundries not to cross with me and he DID! Like I said...numb, feel nothing. RC, just remember the numb feeling goes away over time. Then some other feelings will crop up, and I know you'll be strong enough to overcome whatever is put in your path. I'm happy you had the trigger that went off and you took action. I'm very PROUD of you! You are amazing!!! (HUGS)
Author RealityCheck Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 RC, just remember the numb feeling goes away over time. Then some other feelings will crop up, and I know you'll be strong enough to overcome whatever is put in your path. I'm happy you had the trigger that went off and you took action. I'm very PROUD of you! You are amazing!!! (HUGS) I understand what you are saying, but in this case I am certain. I know myself to well. When I get to this point, there really is no turning back and no other emotion will replace it where the EXmm is concerned. This I know!
Jessie61 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I understand what you are saying, but in this case I am certain. I know myself to well. When I get to this point, there really is no turning back and no other emotion will replace it where the EXmm is concerned. This I know! RC, What is it that people say..? "I turned my back for one minute, and see what happened!" I am sorry that I have missed out on the last few days. I am now trying to up date myself on everything that has happened. I see that you have turned a corner and I gather that you are happy and you feel strong about it. I don't know what r-e-a-l-l-y happened (and I am guessing it was an "Oh. My. God!" moment???), but whatever it was, it is probably for the better in the long run...? Anyway, just wanted to say..... WELL DONE!!! :)
Author RealityCheck Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 RC, What is it that people say..? "I turned my back for one minute, and see what happened!" I am sorry that I have missed out on the last few days. I am now trying to up date myself on everything that has happened. I see that you have turned a corner and I gather that you are happy and you feel strong about it. I don't know what r-e-a-l-l-y happened (and I am guessing it was an "Oh. My. God!" moment???), but whatever it was, it is probably for the better in the long run...? Anyway, just wanted to say..... WELL DONE!!! :) Jessie!!! *Hugs* Don't be sorry! You do have a life! Have missed you though! Yes Jessie "OMG!! MOMENT" is correct! Thanks for taking the time to post.
bunset Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 RC, It's actually good to hear your trigger has been pulled. Maybe mine will come up soon. Right now, I'm too damn needy to find it. I start my counseling this week and I hope to find at least the trigger on my marriage was pulled a while ago. I hope you don't get to the point of wishing your exMM would just die to make it easier for everyone. I'll be praying for your exMM to see the light and at least GO AWAY!
Author RealityCheck Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 RC, It's actually good to hear your trigger has been pulled. Maybe mine will come up soon. Right now, I'm too damn needy to find it. I start my counseling this week and I hope to find at least the trigger on my marriage was pulled a while ago. I hope you don't get to the point of wishing your exMM would just die to make it easier for everyone. I'll be praying for your exMM to see the light and at least GO AWAY! BunHun... Its not in my nature to wish anyone "Death". GO AWAY! ABSOLUTELY! I also am aware of the tools available to make the "Go Away" happen! Like I said...Believe me! I'll use them!
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