Sanderwarc Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Hello all. Ive been a long time reader of these forums and they have been a great help to me through some crazy times. But this time, I can find no situation that mirrors the specifics of this one. In advance, I apologize for the length and thank you for your time and responses. The Story: Welp, the situation that many guys dread is upon me. Im 24, and my girlfriend, 23, is pregnant. After month's of discussions, arguments, and all manner of fights, her final decision is to keep the child. (She is 5 mos along, and is having a boy.) I now need advice on what I should do. However, as always, there a couple of factors that make things complicated. She is unable to have children again. At first ultrasound they noticed some weird things. After further investigation, softball size tumors were found in both of her ovaries. She then had emergency surgery to have then removed. When we started having sex, we used condoms, so everything was cool. We then had an issue with a condom that broke, so the next morning, we went to planned parenthood together and got the morning after-pill. While we were there, someone mentioned the idea of the birth control pills. We talked about it for a bit, and it seemed like a good idea. That way we wouldnt have to worry about this broken condom thing again. When she told me that she was pregnant, I was absolutely bewildered. I just thought that we got hit by that .002% chance or whatever it is. At that point, I was ready to take responsibility. However, a few days later, I found out that she actually missed one of her pills. Not just one actually. It was a few here and there. Never more than one in row. While the instructions say that you can miss one and just make it up the next day, it does increase the chances of getting pregnant. When I found that out, I went absolutely ballistic. The reason I agreed to go with pills is because she told me she didnt want children now. In general, she was responsible and trustworthy. She wasnt the kind of person to forget to take her pills. So I trusted her. And even then, I every now and again, I would ask her about them and when she took them, and she would always reassure me that everything was fine and she was taking her pills. Now, I have to make a decision. Basically, I can stay or leave. For me, it is an all or nothing choice. If I stay, I STAY. She and I dont have to get to married, but we do have to live together (she agrees with me on this). She and I come from homes where children were shuffled between parents that didnt live together and it was horrible. We dont like it and we wont do it. Its the same deal with leave. If I leave, I leave. I dont believe that having a father that is only partially there isnt good for anyone. I want to make the supposed respsonsible choice. I am man of responsibility, and I have always been that way. But, I dont want this. I really, really dont want this. And if I stay, and do things the right way... Im not sure that it is the right thing to do. Everytime I think about it, I become livid. I feel like she betrayed and lied to me. I cant let it go. Ive been trying to for months. And what about all things I want to do but cant anymore? If I stay, I am going to resent them for the rest of life... I dont want to be miserable for the next however many years... I come from a indian family. My parents are of an arranged marriage. (My father's second marriage, in case you were wondering about the above) And they are miserable. They dont belong together. I have known this for as long as I can remember. They fight all the time. When I was younger, approx age 12, I told them they needed to get a divorce. But they wouldnt do it. They told me that it would be "best for me." Which I always thought was BS... espcially since it was so apparent to me that they need a divorce. And now they stay together because they are too old to take care of themselves. If I stay, is this where my child's life is headed? If it is, is staying really the responsible thing to do? Is it really the right thing to do? To this day, I wish my parents had separated. If that is what is gonna happen, I wont do it. Id rather leave and have him think that his father is a jerk and hate me than have to deal with that.... I still think adoption is best for him. I believe that he would be best off in home where he has two parents that love him and want him there with all their heart. And I dont think that is something that we can provide for him. However, his mother has made her decision and is unwavering. If I stay, the mother will be happy. She is absolutely enamoured with me and would absolutely love my company. Im assuming the child will be better off because he will have a father. But, Ill be miserable. Wont that filter through to my relationship with the mother and my relationship with the child? Any insight/guidance would be greatly appreciated. Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my story.
tikigods Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Children pick up on things, they might not when they are born, but once they become aware they will see that Dad isn't happy. What does she think about adoption? If you do walk away I would suggest getting a lawyer pronto (heck I would get one anyway) and suggest just what your rights are, even if you live together and never get married you rae still going to be paying for this kid and its much much better to get this sort of thing written down on paper instead of just saying "oh I will giveyou x amount" When it comes to kids, dads really have no rights when the people aren't already married. So its up to you to make sure you are protected. As for staying or going, thats up to you, though it sounds more or less like you want out of this situation and fast (again go to the lawyer even if you stya)
blind_otter Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 That's a sucky situation you're in my friend. I don't envy you. I won't rail at you and tell you that you both made the baby. I understand your feelings of betray and anger and your suspicions about whether or not your GF lied to you about taking the birth control pills. It's a betrayal of trust, IMO. YOu trusted her to be vigilant about the possibility of pregnancy and, had you known she was being so lax I'm sure you would have demanded condoms in addition to the pill. I think that whole "stay together for the sake of the children" excuse is utter bulls***. No offense to you, but I strongly feel that if the parents are acrimonious, the continuation of the relationship only serves to teach your child that a farce of a relationship, where the two people don't care for each other and are often arguing about everything, is normal -- you're setting them up to potentially have unsatisfying and frustrating personal lives as well. I've seen familes where the parents were split up and the child seemed, for all intents and purposes, happy, and comfortable. The key was that the parents, though they split up, were able to get to a point where they could coparent without the arguments and nastiness...and share the responsibility of parenting without having to live in teh same house. That said, you have a few months to go before the baby is born and time does heal many wounds (I refuse to say, "all wounds")....you may just need additional time and relationship counseling to resolve that resentment towards your partner, and after that -- you may get to the point where you can have a mutually satisfying relationship as well as a happy parental bond. But you know better than anyone else, including your GF, or any potential therapist, what your limits are and what you can handle. I don't think it has to be an all or nothing decision at this point. I think you should wait. Often fathers feel alienated from the gestation process and bond with their child a LOT more after the child is born. But I encourage you to keep processing this, vent your frustrations openly either onhere or in a journal> You do have a right to feel betrayed, and it takes a long time IME to process a betrayal as intimate and life changing as you have experienced.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I promised myself to stay off LS for awhile since it was eating up all my time, but I was reading some posts on here and saw this one, and HAD to respond. My SO went through this exact same thing!! He was about your age too. He was persuing a music career, and didn't want children right then. His gf at the time tricked him into getting her pregnant, then she ran off and left him. He couldn't stand the thought that he had a child that wouldn't know him. He found her and made it clear that he would be in his childs life. They moved in together, and shortly after got married. He couldn't stand her, but he stayed for his daughter. He knew it wouldn't be forever, just until he had formed a bond with his child. He stayed until his daughter was 5. Then divorced his wife. He never loved her, but loved his child to pieces. Now he is 38, and very happy in his relationship with me, and I love my step-daughter-to-be to pieces!! I watch her when he is at work (I live with him) and not only do I not mind, I love spending time with her. I don't suggest staying with her for long if you do not love her or are not happy with her, but jut long enough for the child to know you and form that bond. I'm a little unclear on some things. Does she want the child or no? Is she willing to put him up for adoption? Ultimately its her choice, since she is the one carrying the child, and if she doesn't, then you really need to step up and be a parent!! I know you aren't ready for children, but niether was I when I got pregnant at 19, and neither was my SO and we are doing just fine and love parenthood. I don't think anyone is ever really ready. I know its scary, but this is where you must put yourself and your needs and desires aside for awhile and step up to the plate and only think of whats best for the baby. He is innocent and didn't ask to be concieved. You can still do things with your life, your life isn't over. Adoption is the best route if you really don't want to take responsibility, but if it isn't an option with her, you need to be a man. Parenthood is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding jobs ever!! It will change you in so many ways. Think long and hard about any decision you will make and look at every angle. Is the mother a responsible person? Are you guys financually able to care for a child at this time? Let me add that you guys don't have to stay together to raise this child. If you feel there is too much conflict between the two of you, then it is not in the best interest of the child for you two to live together. It isn't impossible to raise a child in different homes.
KittenMoon Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Did your gf eventually want children prior to the unplanned pregnancy? You also said she cannot have any more children, so this is her first and last chance for a biological child. I think some things happen for a reason, and maybe you should try to think of this child as a blessing, even if it is only HER blessing, instead of an accident. Try really seeing it in a positive light before you decide how you want (or don't want to) be in this child's life.
KarlCox Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 always always USE condom... regardless if your gf is on birth control or not... you do not want to risk it... you are risking 18 years of childsupport.... now she has your child... there is no way ever you would be able to breakup with her completely.. maybe that is what she wants.. if you do leave now.. she might go ballistic and grab a piece of your wallet for the next 18 years..
Author Sanderwarc Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks for your responses so far. She does want the baby. And she it not willing to give him up for adoption. I can understand where she is coming from even though wholeheartedly disagree. I know this statment is gonna get me railed on, but I really think she is being selfish. I know I dont have the relationship with the child that she does at this point. But the reality is, we cant provide a good home for this child. Yes, we are financially capable of supporting the child, but the connection between the parents isnt there. We get along, if that is what you are wondering. If you want to know if we can make it work, the answer is yes. We can. We are civil and polite to each other. Nothing that will lead the child being taken away by child services or anything. Nothing that indicates either of us will be particularly horrible parents. I mean... we both wanted to be parents... eventually. Not neccessarily with each other, we hadnt gotten that far yet. But we both wanted to become parents eventually to fix all the things our parents did wrong. To break the cycle (if there even is one). And I feel that she is betraying that goal. But now we are here. I feel forced into this relationship, with this child. And Im not going to be able to fix the things I wanted to fix. He isnt going to be able to look at his parents and see two people love each other. And the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. I just want what is best for the child. If I need to pay child support, I dont care. Ill give her more than required by law to help with the expenses. It's not about the money. I just dont want him to grow up in place full of unhappiness. I know firsthand what that is like and, in short, it f-in sucks.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks for your responses so far. She does want the baby. And she it not willing to give him up for adoption. I can understand where she is coming from even though wholeheartedly disagree. I know this statment is gonna get me railed on, but I really think she is being selfish. I know I dont have the relationship with the child that she does at this point. But, the reality is, we cant provide a good home for this child. Can you give more detail about why you made this statement? You said you were fanancially able to support the baby, so what else is hindering you both from proving the child with a good home? Yes, we are financially capable of supporting the child, but the connection between the parents isnt there. We get along, if that is what you are wondering. If you want to know if we can make it work, the answer is yes. We can. We dont scream and yell at each other. We solve a disagreements in a relatively peaceful fashion.. It won't always be this way. If you cant resolve some issues and get some much needed couples therapy (if you both decide to marry or live together) you will both end up resenting each other and the reslut will not be good. We both wanted to be parents... eventually. Not neccessarily with each other, we hadnt gotten that far yet. We wanted to become parents to fix all the things our parents did wrong. But now we are here. I feel forced into this relationship, with this child. And Im not going to be able to fix the things I wanted to fix. He isnt going to be able to look at his parents and see two people love each other. And the thought of that makes me sick to my stomach. There is something have you to understand. There will always be flaws with every parent. Unfortunately, you can't pick and choose which flaws you want and don't want. All you can do is find the flaws and work at making them right. I just want what is best for the child. If I need to pay child support, I dont care. Its just money. Ill give her more than I need to help with the expenses. I just dont want him to grow up in place full of unhappiness. I know firsthand what that is like and, in short, it f-in sucks. I admire you for wanting what is best for the child. There are some men who don't give a flip about anyone but themselves (including my son's biological father). Your at least pointed in the right direction. You guys really should go to some kind of counseling together. You both need direction and guidance.
Author Sanderwarc Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 I believe that providing a good home for a child invloves more than just being able to put roof over their head and food on the table. I always wanted to be super dad. Yeah, I know, nobody is super dad. But still, growing up, my home life was miserable. Stable, but miserable. My father provided my mother and I with all the things we needed and plenty of things we didnt. But after they got married, they realized they werent for each other, but then it was too late. I was already on the way, and they were too stuck up to get a divorce. My home was never really a place that I wanted to be. Even now, going home to visit is a chore because it's just a miserable place to be. That's not a legacy I wish to pass on to my children. I know Im not perfect. And yes, I want to fix the flaws. And it seems the like the flawed thing to do at this point would be to stay and make their lives miserable... well, I dont know if I will make their lives miserable... but my feelings have to filter through to them at some point... right?
Tim'sAngel Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I believe that providing a good home for a child invloves more than just being able to put roof over their head and food on the table. I always wanted to be super dad. Yeah, I know, nobody is super dad. But still, growing up, my home life was miserable. Stable, but miserable. My father provided my mother and I with all the things we needed and plenty of things we didnt. But after they got married, they realized they werent for each other, but then it was too late. I was already on the way, and they were too stuck up to get a divorce. My home was never really a place that I wanted to be. Even now, going home to visit is a chore because it's just a miserable place to be. That's not a legacy I wish to pass on to my children. I know Im not perfect. And yes, I want to fix the flaws. And it seems the like the flawed thing to do at this point would be to stay and make their lives miserable. I hear everything you are saying and understand where you are coming from. But I think your missing something... There is a baby on the way! There isn't anything at this point you can do to change that. So instead of focusing on what should have been or what could have been, focus on what you are going to do. Let me tell you something about daddys. They don't have to be perfect to make their children feel loved. My dad made so many mistakes, but I never once doubted he loved me. It sounds to me like you and your father lacked an emotional bond. I could be wrong, but thats what I'm hearing. You dont have to be in the same house as the child day in day out to get that bond. Small children feel that connection, they feel when you care and when you don't. My son is already attached to my SO and he has been in his life since he was 8 months old (is now 18 months) and he isn't even his biological father. You might not be able to provide the kind of home you want for him, but you can provide the best that you can, and that is all that matters!! I'm not just talking out of my ass, I know what I'm talking about. DO you think I wanted to bring my son into a world where his biological father didn't give a s*** about him? Do you think I wanted us to be poor? (I had no job at the time) Things just work out. It's just how the world turns. This baby needs nothing more than your unconditional love, emotional and financial support, and acceptance.
Buttaflyy Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Didn't you say that she wouldn't be able to have anymore children? How is she being selfish because she's decided to actually take responsibility and raise her own child? There is a baby coming and you guys have to prepare for him. You sound as if you will be a great dad btw. Even if you and the mother seperate, you must always be an active part of your son's life. Fathers do have rights! If there comes a time that you feel as if yours are being neglected then it is your responsibility to use the correct channels to ensure that you are being respected as the childs father. Even should you need to pay child support. It is natural to feel anxious when a baby is coming unexpectedly, but you have to lie in the bed you made. At this point adoption isn't in question. And the only relationship that is, is the romantic relationship between you and the mother.
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