julieg Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 i totally understand your agony. it is not a situation that can be helped easily. having intrusive thoughts about her must drive you crazy-been there. you are not alone. lady jane your advice is great and very helpful!!
stillafool Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I certainly can't judge you and some of your posts brought me to tears. I once loved like that 20 years ago and let him go to do the right thing. I talked to him 3 mos. ago and he told me he had been addicted to me and I was to him too and guest what? It's still there. It's still there after all these years and it's killing me. I wish I had never talked to him again. He told me he has had affair after affair since he married her and I know he's no good for me but it's making me sick inside. I wish I could tell you what to do and I wish I knew myself how to make it stop. I only wish I knew what the end result is for people who start out with feelings like this for one another and end up marrying each other the first time. Are they still in love? I do know this I'm married now and I know no good will come to me if I were to hurt my sweet husband. You can't just think of your self. Good luck to you even though I know I have been no help at all.
julieg Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 in agreement with stillafool. by the way we have a similar situation. my guy is from 20+ years ago too and the what ifs kill you. something that has helped me tremendously today- thing only in the present today only. dont think about tomorrow or memories of the past. i think intimate thoughts about the past really mess up your head. replace them immediately with thoughts of your spouse. i find if you only think about now and focus on the next few hours -your family and children you can cope with the sadness and longing. some the aa's creeds really hit it right and help too.
stillafool Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Thank you Julieg I will try your suggestion. Sometimes it's worst than others. I was doing so well but it keeps creeping back into my mind.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 There were an awful lot of justifications in your first post on why you did the things you did. I think you are more excited by the thrill of someone new as you are the thrill of something secret and forbidden with maybe a touch of white knight because of your new girls abusive situation. It is too bad you couldn't do this all the honest and decent way. For your mistake, other people will end up being hurt and paying.
scrybe74 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 KHLF: Your post infuriates me. Sorry. Like I said before 2 "guest", there are forums he can go 2 if he wants 2 continue on this path of destruction, as can you. Love is NOT a feeling, it's a CHOICE. GROW UP -ol' 2long 2long - I think you are being harsh and rude to KHIF. You are probably right that the OP should have posted in another forum to get the advice that he wants. However, the OP simply asked for advice on his situation from his perspective - not judgement and/or criticism. KHIF was simply responding to his request in the best way she knew how. Whether we condone his behavior or not is irrevelant. He was asking for specific help with limited options. He wansn't asking to be convinced to stop what he's doing. I think he knows the answer and that he just wanted more information to chew on. I think KHIF showed support and is trying to be positive about it and speaking from experience. There is no need to be mean.
scrybe74 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Then don't work? You'll get your fee anyway! Well said! Finally...someone who can read, comprehend and communicate!
sugarplum Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Quote: Originally Posted by RecordProducer Then don't work? You'll get your fee anyway! Well said! Finally...someone who can read, comprehend and communicate! I took for granted that it would be obvious that what I meant by "not leaving much to work with" was to mean that OP himself did not leave himself much to work with as far as options go because he already rejected them in his first post. IOW, he didn't leave himself much to work with, not me. I thought those who read, would comprehend my communication. ~wont make that mistake again.
julieg Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 here is something i read recently that helps me- When you are overwhelmed by ______ the only way to cope is to concentrate on the task at hand one day at a time. pretty soon each day will get easier as your heart gets lighter.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Whether we condone his behavior or not is irrevelant. He was asking for specific help with limited options. He wansn't asking to be convinced to stop what he's doing. I think he knows the answer and that he just wanted more information to chew on. I think KHIF showed support and is trying to be positive about it and speaking from experience. There is no need to be mean. That's just my take on being in this forum. Thanks for wording it so well!
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 since she's not recovered from her desire 2 have an A with her H's friend, her "experience" is incomplete and her advice may be inadvertently harmful if followed. She has some knowledge 2 apply here, but she has no wisdom. Yet. -ol' 2long I agree that there is a right and a wrong way of doing things. Having an extramaritatl affair is obviously the wrong way of approaching a failing marriage. I believe the OP knows this. And so do I. For this reason, chastising us won't 'help' us. If you do have wisdom... you need to learn how to apply that... or you risk appearing bitter and narrow minded. Just my humble opinion.
Guest Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Often (most of the time, really), when the WSs get 2 no contact with the OP, they find that their BS isn't the bad person they've painted them out 2 be. What if the WS isn't painting the SO as a bad person? What if the way they've painted them is simply "all we are is roommates"? Do they quit becoming just roommates if they've quit talking to the affair partner?
Guest Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Surely it takes more than that...end the affair, own that its your fault and then everything's cool at home eventually? I don't know. Makes it sound like people who have affairs never ever have any real feelings towards the affair partner, just 100% fog...is that really possible? Not immediately, and not ever if the WS doesn't end the A and own up 2 it, but even2ally - yes. Pretty much same thing. -ol' 2long
Ladyjane14 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Surely it takes more than that...end the affair, own that its your fault and then everything's cool at home eventually? I don't know. Makes it sound like people who have affairs never ever have any real feelings towards the affair partner, just 100% fog...is that really possible? How can you know what your real feelings are when you're under-the-influence? Like I said before...infatuation is kind of like a seed. It might become real love, or it might not. The problem with affairs is that the infatuation is fed far longer than it would normally be fed in the real world. In the real world, infatuation tends to fade in about two years. But because of it's illicit nature... the affair relationship is EXCITING! It involves more fantasy. We're not dealing with the ordinary day-to-day rut. So, the EMR can stretch out the infatuation period for years and years. On the flipside, once the illicit relationship is validated.... say, you divorce your wife and marry the OW.... you're back on course in normal terms. The infatuation wears off in about two years just the same as it does for other people. But because it's a relationship borne of infidelity, there are oftentimes trust issues within the marriage, increasing the difficulty of keeping the new marriage intact.
stockmos Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Surely it takes more than that...end the affair, own that its your fault and then everything's cool at home eventually? I don't know. Makes it sound like people who have affairs never ever have any real feelings towards the affair partner, just 100% fog...is that really possible? I completely agree. There seems to be a large body of opinion on these boards that affairs, are, as you put it "100% fog". My own experiences and observations have been very different - one long-term partner of mine left me after an affair with a man she went on to marry and have a child with. As far as I know, they are still together. In addition, a significant number of people I know have had relationships end because of affairs, and the strayer has gone on to have a permanent relationship with the (former) affair partner.
SueBee3490 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 In addition, a significant number of people I know have had relationships end because of affairs, and the strayer has gone on to have a permanent relationship with the (former) affair partner. I can't believe that the marriage of the 2 who had the affair together would be all rosey. They are starting out their lives together built on lies, deception, and betrayal and more than likely they hurt others in their path to be together. Who wants to start that way? These people may get married and be together but I bet you each of them are always checking up on the other because they know what the other is capable of in terms of cheating.
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