crazy_grl Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I made a post awhile back about my coworker who I was thinking could be worth dating if I left my job, which I was planning to do. The major topic was how he said he had hooked up with a lot of his female friends and how bad that made me suddenly see him. Eventually he confessed that it's just an act he puts on and he hasn't really had sex for a pretty long time. I'm more inclined to believe this than not (though I'd want to find out more so I could be a little more certain). Anyway, I might not be looking for a new job after all, because there's a possibilty that I may be promoted and be able to work on some tasks that actually put my skills to work. So lately I've been entertaining thoughts like "Maybe inter-office dating might not be such a bad thing after all. It really wouldn't be so bad if both people act adult about it." I need you guys to talk me out of this idea. Convince me any way you can. You can use as much tough love as you need. It won't bother me... though I might argue the point with you until you're ready to strangle me. Or you can talk me into it if you want to. Rationally I'd like to be talked out of it, but emotionally I'd like to be talked into it. After all, it's taken me about 9 months to decide this guy is pretty decent and might be worth taking a chance on, and I see him every day. I don't really want to have to spend all that time getting to know another guy...
Guest Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I met my husband at work. I was in different department so we dated and worked at same place for quite a few months before I transfered do to my department closing not that they made me leave. Long story short the marriage is a failure but not because of working together. I think I read somewhere several years ago that 33% of marriages are results of meeting the spouse in office. It could be hard because it sounds like you will enjoy this promotion and if so you'd do bad to screw it all up over "him". If you care about that promotion and position don't do it because if things went bad or he wasn't as "interested" as you thought you'd feel really uncomfortable staying there.
paige367 Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Not a good idea. How awkward would that be if the relationship didn't work out? Seeing him at the office all the time? yikes. Also, you've already caught him fabricating about his love life. What else would he talk about or exagerate if you were together and to who?
Curmudgeon Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I met my wife at work but we didn't start dating until five years later, after she had moved on to a different agency. I wouldn't have asked her out if we still been at the same one, nor would she have accepted. Fishing in the company pond creates more problems than lasting relationships. I have no rally compelling arguments but don't need to. If you do date him and the relationship doesn't work out, you'll have plenty of anecdotal material of your own on the perils of office romances.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 It could be hard because it sounds like you will enjoy this promotion and if so you'd do bad to screw it all up over "him". Actually, I'm not totally sure I want to stay at this job even with the promotion (which is just a title change and pay raise, no job change or greater responsibility). I've been told I'm going to get to work on projects I want to work on (whether I'm promoted or not), but I've been promised things before that fell through, so I'm skeptical. I may just end up doing a bunch of stuff that keeps me busy but doesn't do a thing for helping with my future goals or expanding my skills. The pay raise (if I get it) is an incentive to say, but the basic function of the company still goes against my value system. The main reason I'm considering staying is that I'm not liking the job hunting process and I'm fearing change. Fear of change is probably the biggest factor. If you care about that promotion and position don't do it because if things went bad or he wasn't as "interested" as you thought you'd feel really uncomfortable staying there. I know, but I already feel uncomfortable, which was a big factor in motivating me to want to leave. I always feel on edge, like I have to be guarded so that I don't say or do something that's not "work appropriate". If I did find out he wasn't interested, I'd be able to let it all go a lot easier. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable, because I'm not going to throw myself at him or anything, just show him I'm interested. If he's not, then he's not. I wouldn't have anything to be embarrassed about just because he wasn't interested. But I need to decide whether I'm willing to take the risk before I'd let him know I'm interested. It's the "if things don't work out" thing that concerns me most. I don't know if I could handle that well.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Not a good idea. How awkward would that be if the relationship didn't work out? Seeing him at the office all the time? yikes. This is my main concern. But then it's already awkward and I'm not sure how to get rid of that awkwardness. Also, you've already caught him fabricating about his love life. What else would he talk about or exagerate if you were together and to who? That occurred to me, but it's not really something that I'm worried about. It wasn't like I caught him in a lie or anything. Part of it was misunderstanding on my part and part was just guy talk that everybody realizes isn't serious. If I didn't have an interest in him, I probably wouldn't have thought for a second that he was serious.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 Fishing in the company pond creates more problems than lasting relationships. If you look, you'll find posts of mine telling people the exact same thing. This has always been my stance, but after 6 months of trying to kill an attraction and failing, I'm starting to question why not. Arg. I dunno. I'm so confused. Sometimes I just want to drop everything and leave the company, not to be with him but to get away from him. If that makes any sense...
elijahBailey Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Arg. I dunno. I'm so confused. Sometimes I just want to drop everything and leave the company, not to be with him but to get away from him. If that makes any sense... of course that makes sense It's hard to take him out of your mind, cuz you see him everyday. One solution is to start dating people outside of your company. Once you find someone else, you won't be thinkin' about this dude all the time.
loony Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Ok, I'll chime in, too! I'm not going to debate the idea of dating someone at the working place, although I tend to believe it may not be the best idea, as my biggest objection to you dating this guy would be the guy himself. It sounds awfully immature pretending that you are hooking up with your female friends while that is not true. What is nearly as bad as a player? A wanna-be-player, because they don't have enough spine to stand up for themselves and are way too concerned about other people's opinion and that doesn't look like good relationship material for me. People like him are less concerned about how their girlfriend feels, how they feel, but what other people think about them. Players are insecure a**h***s and wanna-be-players are insecure 'nice guys'.
loony Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 It wasn't like I caught him in a lie or anything. Part of it was misunderstanding on my part and part was just guy talk that everybody realizes isn't serious. If I didn't have an interest in him, I probably wouldn't have thought for a second that he was serious. I just saw this. I'm still not sure what to think of this kind of talk and I usually stay on the safe side until I have found enough information to make a decision regarding starting a relationship.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 One solution is to start dating people outside of your company. Once you find someone else, you won't be thinkin' about this dude all the time. I know, I've been thinking about that for awhile and I know it's the easiest way. But I really don't want to be dating right now. If a guy comes along that I like, I'd go out with him, but I'm not going to go out looking for one. People like him are less concerned about how their girlfriend feels, how they feel, but what other people think about them. Players are insecure a**h***s and wanna-be-players are insecure 'nice guys'. Nah, I don't think it's like that. I don't wanna go into detail, but he's done things to show that he's not just concerned about how he feels. I've been thinking of moving my desk so that it's farther away and I wouldn't see him as much. I don't know if that'll help. I tried to work at another location for awhile, but that seems like that's not going to happen now.
alphamale Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 So lately I've been entertaining thoughts like "Maybe inter-office dating might not be such a bad thing after all. It really wouldn't be so bad if both people act adult about it." It is quite easy to act "adult" when things are going well C_G. Unfortunately, when things go sour its a little harder to act "adult". Put on a mini-skirt and hit the singles bar.
johan Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I think it's arbitrary to say that two people who work together should never date. They are two people who didn't choose that circumstance and maybe they should date. It has no more risk really than two people who attend the same college or two people who live in a small town. If it doesn't work out, it could be a bad situation. But another thing to think about is how others look at it even if you don't break up. The political implications of people gossiping, what they think of people who date at the office, whether there would ever be situations where you could be accused of playing favorites, what the higher-ups think and whether this could be career-limiting. Those are things to consider, even without worrying about the break-up nightmare. You can influence whether any of this becomes an issue for you by how you act when you're together at the office. Pure professionalism while at work is my advice. Even extra time spent at each other's desk or excessive IM sessions will be noticed. Daily lunch dates where you both happen to sneak out and meet will be noticed. People really do notice that stuff, you shouldn't think you're fooling anyone. Even little glances across the conference table will be noticed. I lose respect for people at the office when I see the professionalism break down. I've had two people hook up on my team, and they tried to hide their excitement, but they didn't succeed. Their professionalism was sacrificed when they started taking on each other's problems at the office. They started defending each other on team or performance issues. Things that otherwise wouldn't be their concern. Otherwise they were pretty ok. But it was inappropriate for them to leverage their relationship that way against the team. It broke down the closeness we had and caused the others to talk and complain. I'm glad they have both moved on.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Put on a mini-skirt and hit the singles bar. I hit the clubs and the bars plenty. Not intereted in meeting guys there. I blow them off. The chances of them being scum are just way too high. And the ones I have actually talked to have been creeps or weirdos. Nope not interested in bar guys.
Sand&Water Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 I hit the clubs and the bars plenty. Not intereted in meeting guys there. I blow them off. The chances of them being scum are just way too high. And the ones I have actually talked to have been creeps or weirdos. Nope not interested in bar guys. Ditto! Whatever works for you. I'm the same. The bar scene is unrealistically lame and fake. Usually, when you're in your element and don't have your guard up the good ones appear.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 But another thing to think about is how others look at it even if you don't break up. The political implications of people gossiping, what they think of people who date at the office, whether there would ever be situations where you could be accused of playing favorites, what the higher-ups think and whether this could be career-limiting. Those are things to consider, even without worrying about the break-up nightmare. Thanks for your thoughts. It gives me some things to think about. I know the whole thing is a mute point if he's not interested, but feel like I do need to sort out where I stand before I worry about what he thinks about it.
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