precious99 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I am very happy with my bf of 6 months. However I have some questions which I'm hoping someone out there can help me with. First some background....we are exteme and total opposites - he is quiet and shy - I am outgoing and spontaneous. He is 25 and has never been in a relationship for longer than four months (until now that is). I am 30 and I have been married before. He is definately not a communicator while I am most certainly am. So here's my questions...can this work? We have a lot of fun together and I love spending time with him but sometimes it's hard to tell how he feels about me. He has great difficulty expressing emotion and/or feelings - although he is extremely affectionate - always hugging and touching me. I guess its weird for me because I have never felt unsure or insecure in a relationship before. But his lack of verbal expression leaves a lot of uncertainty in my mind. I'm always wondering if he's "playing" me although my gut instinct says he isn't. Sorry if I'm all over the place on this one...just looking for some direction and perhaps a little guidance.
paige367 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Of course it can work!!! I would just have some patience with him and be sure to ask when you are unsure of anything. I really doubt that he's playing with you but he is probably unsure of how to approach some subjects or may be embarrassed to tell you some things. I'm sure alot of this will work out as you get to know eachother better over time.
Ladyybug Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 While opposites attract it is sometimes difficult to keep them together. It can work but every relationship needs communication to survive. Don't just accept the fact that he isn't verbally communicating his affection. I've had that problem with my SO in the beginning. He had no idea what a conversation was. He thought I was too emotional, etc. but as time progressed, so did he. I had to keep reminding him that I am not psychic Silvia Brown and I could not read his mind. He is much better at communicating with me now. Also, there's an age difference with you and your guy. Maybe, this plays apart? You know we gals mature faster!
sunnie23 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 i can completely relate. i am insecure in my relationship of 7 months because my boyfriend isn't expressive about his feelings. so i pay more attention to the things he does for me, i find that this speaks volumes. of course, there have been a couple of drunken nights where i had an emotional outburst and forced him to tell me how he felt. i don't reccomend this, what i am saying is try to talk to him about it before it comes to that.
Author precious99 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Thanks sunnie. Have you found any techniques that work for you and your guy? Right now I have been (for the past few weeks) trying the "I'm gonna be totally unexpressive too" approach. But its not working. He says that he likes me talking and expressing how I feel. And he does sometimes surprise me. I guess I just feel like when I'm doing all the talking hes benefitting while im still lacking. I would really like him to say "your the best thing to ever happen to me" or even just "the sex last night was absolutely amazing" I too try to just appreciate how he treats me and the little things he does that express how he feels but its hard sometimes.
Walk Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I think the key here is to come to a comprimise. You accept that a large portion of his communication is going to be non-verbal as to how he feels. And he has to step up to the plate and give you more verbal reassurance as to how he feels. Find a medium ground. I think one way you could get him to be more verbal about his feelings might be by reassurance. Tell him often that it would make you happy to hear how he felt about last night, or that he loves you, etc. I'm kind of non-verbal in my communciation with my guy and partly its because I feel stupid when I say that stuff. I think I sound retarded trying to express my emotions like that. And it really helped me to have my SO tell me (a lot) that he wants to hear that stuff, that it means a great deal to him. This might be one reason your guy isn't very communicative about his feelings. Fear, insecurity, in expressing that he's vulnerable to you. And that takes time and a lot of reassurance to build the trust necessary for the person to feel comfortable in telling you they are vulnerable. Try to meet him half way. And if you're asking him to change, then put as much effort into helping him with it as you would like for him to put in to changing.
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