sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Anyone out there have stepkids who intentionally make their lives miserable? With or without a hubby who is so afraid of making his kids mad at him, that he allows them to be disrespectful or confrontational with you? Any solutions besides divorce? I am doing attorney shopping now, but would really rather make this work!
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 it isn't the kids fault.. they are reacting out of anger towards their parents and you happen to be in the postition of replacement in their eyes so they act out and reject you. I have been there.. I was taught through child counseling that the best way to win a child over is love and patience.. when you don't show those 2 items they buck the system..It is very hard to sometimes bite your tongue.. but you have to react with love and patience at all times At the time my 4 year old step daughter would turn her back to me if I walked into the room. It took me over 2 years to win her over with love and patience and by the time her Mom and I divorced she was calling me Dad ( but only if we were alone ).. I beat her at her own game and won.. I believe you need to get your hubby and his kids with you in family therapy and you need to probably change your attitude toward your step children.. They aren't angels.. but they are hurting children.. I remember once telling the counselor that I thought I needed to seek a divorce if I was causing the child that much pain and unhappiness.. She told me that was the wrong way to think.. I'm glad she did.. in fact I talked withmy step daughter tonight.. and it has been more than 5 years since the divorce
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 my steps, all girls, ages 10, 14, and 15 have chased my through my house, tell me to shut up, cuss me out, throw things at me (once hitting me in the face) and show off to their friends by verbally abusing me. I work in education (yeah, its my job to work with a classroom full of kids, but I cant deal with these 3 ) and am off for the summer. My husband informed me that they are welcome over any time to hang out, have friends over, and use the pool while he is at work all day. I was also told they are none of my business since they are not my kids and I am not to enforce any rules or discipline them in any way while they are here. In other words, I am allowed to let them do what they want and like it. I believe these terms originally came from these girls, not him on his own. The oldest one has already been seen doing totally inappropriate things in our hottub with her boyfriend. Hubby says he will take full responsibility for them - while he is at work! and I am to have nothing to do with it. I have talked to a lawyer about this too. This leaves me totally liable if something were to happen. They suggest a notarized indemnity agreement, but I doubt hubby will sign. My daughter and one of his daughters played softball last year and when the teams played against each other, their sweet mother told her daughters team that she would pay anyone $50 to hit a foul that wound up hitting me or my daughter. I really do try to realize they see me as the obstacle between mom and dad being together (they broke up 5 years before I even came along!) but it is very hard. Especially with the game they play with their dad - "If you dont do as I say and give me what I want daddy, I am going to mom's and never coming back." Friends and relatives all agree that they run the show. And we tried counseling. After 4 sessions, hubby decided it was "stupid" and refused to go back. I continued for a while. Did I mention they get mad at him if we go on "dates" so we no longer go out. I am not allowed to sit next to him at dinner either. I just want them to leave me alone and let me have a relationship with their dad. It wasn't like this in the beginning, but gradually progressed to this point. What do I do?
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Without the support of your husband you will get nowhere .. It sounds to me that the issue was made worse by your reactions and then your husband stood by the children instead of standing by the family unit and standing by you. Really a step family isn't much different that a real family.. you still have to be able to reprinmand them and be giving respect as their mother.. albeit a step mother.. but you still are a mother figure and deserve the respect that come with the territory.. including from your husband ( which he doesn't seem to give you any ) IMO without your husbands full support in fixing the problem then I feel you have a deal breaker.. time to rethink the relationship and look for a way out. Do not sign any papers such as indemnity agreements..if you are signing those type of papers you no longer have a marriage... period
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 By the way.. you are still blaming the children.. it isn't their fault.. It isn't their fault.. Your problem stems from your husband..
933KJL Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 WOW....tough call but I am agreeing with AC here and you need to beat them at their own game. Do not acknowledge their tantrums. Do not yell, whisper instead. And as for the responsibility--put the document in front of hubbys face and explain why it is there. If you do not have some authority (not all but some) he must absolve you...period. I bet it might open his eyes and see things a bit differently. Maybe when the kids are there and driving you nuts--go to the mall, out with a girlfriend, counseling, whatever---that way you do not see it. You cannot intervene, and it shows them that they are not getting the best of you. \ Tough situation for sure!
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 I blame the children, I blame my husband, and I also blame myself. I blame them for their part. For them being old enough to know better, and for them making the choice to act this way and manipulate their father. I blame my husband for giving control of the house to kids. I blame myself every day. you wouldn't know it because it wasn't part of my question....but in two years I have been on several different anti-depressants, and tranquilizers because this has been eating me up for so long. I break out in hives because it affects me physically. I have apologized when I have been out of line. bottom line, I have NEVER done these things to them and dont deserve to be treated like garbage in return. I dont care if they are kids or not. They aren't exactly babies who dont know better. I dont know what else I can do. I have been doing. And I wouldn't try to make it better if I didn't carry some of the blame myself. Just because I dont get on here and say "I am such an evil stepmother.." (actually they dont call me evil...they tell people I am their gay, retarded, psycho dad's wife) doesn't mean the thought of what I am doing wrong doesn't go through my head regularly.
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 WOW....tough call but I am agreeing with AC here and you need to beat them at their own game. Do not acknowledge their tantrums. Do not yell, whisper instead. And as for the responsibility--put the document in front of hubbys face and explain why it is there. If you do not have some authority (not all but some) he must absolve you...period. I bet it might open his eyes and see things a bit differently. Maybe when the kids are there and driving you nuts--go to the mall, out with a girlfriend, counseling, whatever---that way you do not see it. You cannot intervene, and it shows them that they are not getting the best of you. \ Tough situation for sure! Good advice - however, my attorney says if I leave when they come over and hubby isn't home, and something happens, I could also be liable.
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Do not sign any papers such as indemnity agreements..if you are signing those type of papers you no longer have a marriage... period Do I really have a marriage in the first place?
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 It sounds to me that the issue was made worse by your reactions and then your husband stood by the children instead of standing by the family unit and standing by you. What reactions of mine are you talking about?
Art_Critic Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 What reactions of mine are you talking about? Of course I'm speculating.. but I think by reading in between the lines of your post that you react to the kids instead of acting. As soon as you do they have the power.. A reaction is where you lose your cool and think they are brats and then you might say something that makes the problem worse.. An action gives the child a boundary and something to follow. If you yell at the children or snap at them then you react.. If you lower your voice and say something like.. Later on after dinner we will go out and get ice cream.. But if you continue to act out like you are doing you will have to go to your room.. ( or something along those lines ). Or an action is something like.. lower your voice.. I understand that you think I'm coming between you and your Dad.. if you give me some time I will show you that having 2 Mothers is better than having 1.. ( then you have 2 show her how ) But again.. if your husband doesn't give you his full support then you are shoveling sand against the tide.
933KJL Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 (In a low voice) I realize that you are upset with me right now, but I assure you it will all work out ok. We both need to learn how to respect one another. However, if you continue to act like a spoiled little brat and disrespect me, you leave me no other choice than to take you out back and snip your little testosterone laden balls right off.
Guest Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 (In a low voice) I realize that you are upset with me right now, but I assure you it will all work out ok. We both need to learn how to respect one another. However, if you continue to act like a spoiled little brat and disrespect me, you leave me no other choice than to take you out back and snip your little testosterone laden balls right off. That's pretty good, except I doubt it will get me anywhere considering all three stepkids are girls!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Can you speak to the girls' mother at all? She may have an interest in her daughers' safety while they are at their dad's house. Let me correct that....that should say at YOUR house. You need to take charge of your own life and NOT let the girls do what they want when YOU are in charge. If YOU are in YOUR home YOU are in charge. Your husband needs to be told this is the way it has to be if his daughters want to be there when he is not home. Give your husband an ultimatum, since you are already considering divorce, he needs to know you are at your wits end.
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Can you speak to the girls' mother at all? She may have an interest in her daughers' safety while they are at their dad's house. A resounding NO! She has threatened me and my kids many times. She starting saying HER kids were none of my business long before my husband and the girls started echoing her. I am a teacher, but I know nothing about kids. That's why when the girls were 10,9, and 5 they were allowed to stay home alone, all day, every day, over the summer. They were better off than to be with me! I know most people would turn down a free teacher as a babysitter for the summer - W/E! When the oldest was 8 she would allow her boyfriend to lock the girls outside while he snorted cocaine. Now days she allows her 14 year old to sleep in the same bed with her boyfriend in her room (okay, day time naps - but still!) I have seen pictures of the cute couple sound asleep in bed togther at moms with my own eyes -actually they were posted on her myspace site! Talking to this woman is like talking to a bag of rocks, the only difference being that the rocks would have a higher IQ. The woman is trash with no clue of what being a responsible parent is about!
thegoodhubbie Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I could not agree more with MWC. The situation you are in is totaly, completely, and utterly unacceptable. The techniques that AC mentions might work on children of a younger age, but at 10, 14, and 15, those girls are going to do exactly what they want, when they want. Especially if they see you as an obstacle and have the blessing of their mother their sweet mother told her daughters team that she would pay anyone $50 to hit a foul that wound up hitting me or my daughter It is hard enough for biological parents to guide girls of that age. Without the support of their father, you will never get the respect you deserve. It is unfortunate that he let it get to this point. While there may be things that you could do to make things go smoother, the blame rests totally with their weak father and his obvious lack of concern for their well-being and his wife's emotional welfare. Good luck to you.
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks for the support goodhubbie. Sometimes when I think of all of them so oposite of me, I wonder what the hell I am doing wrong and what the hell I am doing to deserve this. The answer eludes me. I have done the therapy thing to work through it. He doesn't seem to think the problem lies with me and that perhaps I was the wrong person going to the appointments. I hate to say it because deep down I still love him (dont always like him) and really want to stay married and keep my end of the committment. But, God! He is so damn spineless when it comes to his princesses! I never used to be like this. it all started about the time they got their periods, hormones, and were no longer children, but "mommy's pals". btw - love your icon!
Touche Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Thanks for the support goodhubbie. Sometimes when I think of all of them so oposite of me, I wonder what the hell I am doing wrong and what the hell I am doing to deserve this. The answer eludes me. I have done the therapy thing to work through it. He doesn't seem to think the problem lies with me and that perhaps I was the wrong person going to the appointments. I hate to say it because deep down I still love him (dont always like him) and really want to stay married and keep my end of the committment. But, God! He is so damn spineless when it comes to his princesses! I never used to be like this. it all started about the time they got their periods, hormones, and were no longer children, but "mommy's pals". btw - love your icon! I hate to advise this way. I really do. But I have LOTS of experience in this area. Lots. This is hopeless. It won't work. Get out while the getting is good. Art and the others are absolutely right. Without the support of their father...without having a united front, it will NEVER, never work. I fought tooth and nail for that support...and got it. In my second marriage. It wasn't there in my first. It just won't work without him. These girls are out of control and you DON'T deserve this. You did nothing to deserve this. This is how it is in many cases. The parents feel guilt for the divorce. I've noticed that it's WAY worse with fathers and daughters though. And just as an aside, I HATE your screen name. No offense . But my ex-husband called his daughther "sugarplum" It sickened me a little. Anyway, Sugar. Don't beat yourself up over this. It's NOT you. PM me if you want. I've been through this twice. Once unsuccesfully and now in an eleven year marriage succesfully. Good luck to you. I'm with you on this one!
Author sugarplum Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 And just as an aside, I HATE your screen name. No offense . But my ex-husband called his daughther "sugarplum" It sickened me a little. PM me if you want. . Sorry my screen name offends! I pulled it out of the blue! You can call me sugar if that keeps your stomach settled! I may just take you up on the offer.
Alexandra Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 (In a low voice) I realize that you are upset with me right now, but I assure you it will all work out ok. We both need to learn how to respect one another. However, if you continue to act like a spoiled little brat and disrespect me, you leave me no other choice than to take you out back and snip your little testosterone laden balls right off. I believe he meant your husband. Either that or he's gotten carried away by memories
Touche Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Sorry my screen name offends! I pulled it out of the blue! You can call me sugar if that keeps your stomach settled! I may just take you up on the offer. Yes, do that. I'll help in any way I can. Like I've said. I've been through it twice now. I know how to do this with success. If your husband wants this to work he's going to have to put his foot down and realize that you are a TEAM. It can't be "us against her." It won't work.
julieg Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 i have a good friend who was 12-17 at the time of her fathers relationship with a reallly nice woman. she told me that no matter how nice the girlfriend was to her she hated her guts because she wasnt her mother. in fact she would puposely cause trouble for this poor lady!! the women would bend over backwards to placate her and she said she would laugh behind her back at what "a fool" she was. eventually the relationship with the dad and the woman fizzled- no surprise there.
Author sugarplum Posted June 24, 2006 Author Posted June 24, 2006 i have a good friend who was 12-17 at the time of her fathers relationship with a reallly nice woman. she told me that no matter how nice the girlfriend was to her she hated her guts because she wasnt her mother. in fact she would puposely cause trouble for this poor lady!! the women would bend over backwards to placate her and she said she would laugh behind her back at what "a fool" she was. eventually the relationship with the dad and the woman fizzled- no surprise there. People tried to tell me that blending families was extremely. Stupidly, I insisted it wouldn't be an issue for me. *sigh*
slnice Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 NO, DON'T ATTY SHOP YET!. MY NAME IS STACIE AND I'M WORKING ON A BRAND NEW TELEVISION WITH A PSYCHIATRIST THAT JUST MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP. GIVE ME A CALL TOLL FREE AT 1-888-372-2569 EXT 4347 OR EMAIL ME AT [email protected]
LightningRod Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Never been in that situation, but can't you do something like leave their laundry undone or not make supper for them if they don't treat you with respect. You might also consider rewards, like taking them out one on one and doing something with them to earn their respect. Make sure your husband knows that your disappointed with him not supporting you.
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