trillium Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Since I first posted, I’ve solely lurked on these boards using them as a shelter to avoid contacting him. Except for the second chance boards which would only add fuel to false hope. But today I feel so frustrated with myself that I’m allowing my mind to be so delusional. I can’t convince myself deep down that he’s not going to contact me. It’s as if I drop my conscious guard for a just a split second and the feeling washes over me that he’s coming back. It’s only been a little over two weeks since everything suddenly fell apart on me. I wasn’t even sure that we were actually breaking up the night everything got so weird. I mean… on one hand he started to take our relationship to a new more committed level and then suddenly freaked out. I didn’t even cry while we talked. I fully expected there was more dialogue coming. My one email met with dead silence. But as my friends have pointed out this “no answer” response leaves everything open so that he could pop in anytime. The kicker, of course, is he mentioned that the last two times he had told a woman that “he would call her in a few days”, it was six months before he contacted them again. He’s friends with all his ex’s, so yeah I do know he’ll contact me some time. For the first week I was more shocked than anything else and thinking he was taking some time to gather his thoughts before responding, his normal style. Last week I cried for days on end. I normally trust my gut feelings. But everything is all crossed inside, I’m teetering between sleepless nights and unbidden convictions that he’ll contact me. I’m genuinely afraid I’m going to lull myself into a false sense of his return and push off the grieving. And the truth is I honestly don’t know if he’s calling again as more than a friend or if it'll be six months or never.
paige367 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Here's the way I think it works. If a guy is not ready for that more committed level but approaches it anyway he freaks out and bolts. For some reason, a lot of guys out there think they are ready, but they are not. Obviously your guy was not ready and so sabotaged the relationship. I'm very sorry but I don't think he's coming back. He may contact you in the future but only when he feels he's safe from having that level of relationship with you. Try to go through that grieving process and move on. I know it will be hard so hang in there.
AriaIncognito Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I just got left by one that wasn't ready either. And I too fear that I'll have false hope for too long. I just hope that time will help me heal, and I'll realize he's not the last guy on earth, and not the last one that I'll love. I'm only on day 1 of the breakup, but I understand how hurt you are feeling. Just try to do your best to move on. If they come back, and you find yourself still wondering, then go for it, but if they don't, you'll not be disappointed. This is what I'm going to try to do. Here's hoping I succeed... Good luck to you. It'll get better, somehow, someday, but only when we let it. Jennifer
Author trillium Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 I'm very sorry but I don't think he's coming back. He may contact you in the future but only when he feels he's safe from having that level of relationship with you. Yes, I think that's the source my confusion. And why it's hurting me so bad, I could tell how much he was feeling for me that night. I wasn't pushing for a more committed anything. He kept upping the ante sometimes subtly for the last few months while I tried to keep things on the cooler side. I know he freaked himself out. But I'm left with some remorse because I didn't really cover the depths of my feelings for him.
Author trillium Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Good luck to you. It'll get better, somehow, someday, but only when we let it. Isn't that the kicker? When we let it...I'm not the kind of person who can bounce from one serious relationship to the next. Whenever I feel the "spark" for someone, it's special to me because it doesn't happen every day or even every year. That makes it hard to let that special thing go. And if I did finally express how deeply I feel for him, it'll just freak him out even more. I'm just so disappointed that he couldn't just say straight out that he couldn't be around me anymore. Good luck to you too. You've got the right idea. I just wish there was a way to speed up time because I can't see any other way to completely let go.
Diver012 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Isn't that the kicker? When we let it...I'm not the kind of person who can bounce from one serious relationship to the next. Whenever I feel the "spark" for someone, it's special to me because it doesn't happen every day or even every year. That makes it hard to let that special thing go. And if I did finally express how deeply I feel for him, it'll just freak him out even more. I'm just so disappointed that he couldn't just say straight out that he couldn't be around me anymore. Good luck to you too. You've got the right idea. I just wish there was a way to speed up time because I can't see any other way to completely let go. I get a bit greedy and selfish when it comes to this myself. If I felt that special spark with another women, and it gets ruined for what ever reason... her fault, my fault both persons fault.. doesnt matter. I miss more of the excitement and spark itself, than the person it came from.
AriaIncognito Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Whenever I feel the "spark" for someone, it's special to me because it doesn't happen every day or even every year. That makes it hard to let that special thing go. And if I did finally express how deeply I feel for him, it'll just freak him out even more. I'm just so disappointed that he couldn't just say straight out that he couldn't be around me anymore. Me too, trillium, me too. When i find that certain something, I have a very hard time letting go (like now). I want so desperately to think he'll come back to me, but my brain knows I shouldn't. My heart probably knows it too, but doesn't want to admit it. Sometimes, it is hard to tell if you miss the actual person, or the idea that person represented. I'm still trying to figure out where I stand on that one. Right now, I really miss the person. Jennifer
Author trillium Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 [ Sometimes, it is hard to tell if you miss the actual person, or the idea that person represented. I'm still trying to figure out where I stand on that one. Right now, I really miss the person. Jennifer Friends are trying to get me to tease apart the strands of my grief. What exactly do I miss? But yes, I too feel like I miss the man. I’m an extremely independent person. Our relationship was not your typical Midwest affair of matching t-shirts and comfort. We got together when we could, talked as often as we could but led separate lives. I’m not hurting because my daily routine is disturbed. I’m shocked at how little comfort I’m drawing from it since most of it didn’t include him. I hurt because that connection we had was deep enough that we could always pick it up and be in that closeness and trust regardless of any time apart. That seems less cool now that it’s NOT helping me accept the end. And yet since he crapped all over that closeness by not breaking up with me directly, it may not have been that important to him.
AriaIncognito Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 I feel like I might miss his physical self and his mental self. I miss being with him physically. Holding him, touching him, etc. I also miss just being around him. Being in his vicinity. Playing Uno. Playing playstation. Watching movies. Whatever. I miss his intelligence. I miss his laugh. I miss his insanity. I miss watching him sleep. I miss talking to him over email throughout my work day. I just feel like I miss him. What I don't miss, however, is constantly wondering when he was gonna leave due to his uncertainty. And I don't miss the hot/cold of his uncertainty. If he could decide he wanted me, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Jennifer
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