stronggirl Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I was wondering why, after a guy (or i guess it could be a girl for that matter, but guys seem to do it more) breaks up with you, they feel the serious need to relieve their guilt? By continuing to contact you, trying to get you to talk to them one last time, finding reasons, like those 3 stupid CDs you still have, to write you and make contact after you've already told them that you don't want contact, you don't want to talk, and it's time for you to start taking care of who is most important now - YOU! Unlike a lot of people in this forum, NC is no problem for me. If someone has the gall to tell me they "love me but are no longer in love with me" then they can forget having their cake and eating it too. Don't get me wrong. I love my ex, I am still madly IN love with him. But there are a lot of fish in the sea and I believe that the universe has a plan for all of us and usually the worst scenarios end up turning around for the better. Hell yes, i would love for him to call me later down the line and tell me he made a huge mistake (I actually just had an old boyfriend do that LAST MONTH after a year, someone i would have NEVER expected that from). But as for now, i want to be left alone to live my life in peace without continuing to get "take care of yourself" or "all my best" or "I'm sorry i hurt you, that was the last thing i wanted to do" letters, after they were just holding your hand, snuggling, and sleeping intertwined with you the night before! Where do they get this on/off switch. And why can't they use that switch on their own guilt too?
Pink Amulet Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Unlike a lot of people in this forum, NC is no problem for me. If someone has the gall to tell me they "love me but are no longer in love with me" then they can forget having their cake and eating it too. Don't get me wrong. I love my ex, I am still madly IN love with him. But there are a lot of fish in the sea and I believe that the universe has a plan for all of us and usually the worst scenarios end up turning around for the better. What a wonderful female you are. I feel exactly the same... I wonder about why they feel the need to contact you aswell. Any suggestions?! P.S You are a climber too! Fantastic!
AriaIncognito Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 God, I feel like I totally get you. I wonder that myself. I mean, just a few days ago, me and my ex were laying together, intertwined, so happy, so content, and then the next day, he's "conflicted" and "doesn't know why he won't allow himself to feel more". It makes no sense. Are they all just too afraid to fall in love? You sound so healthy to me. I wish I had no problems with NC. I lasted 6 days of NC with my now ex, a few weeks ago, when I sent him off to "think" about how he feels about us. I eventually caved, and of course we fell right back into the hot/cold relationship. Of course, I went nuts after only a few days more of that after we got back. Didn't even last a week before we called it quits since he didn't know what he wanted still. I hope he's happy, he just gave up the best person in the world. I just wonder when I'll find the man that won't give up the person in the world, and will be everything to me and more, than my exes. Jennifer
blind_otter Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Guilt is a motherf***er. So is ending a relationship. In times of emotional stress some of us aren't at our best, unlike you. So we do stupid things because we are confused, clouded in our judgement, and insecure, and jealous, and have all sorts of nasty negative emotions that make us feel bad about ourselves. So we do weird things that seem contradictory because, IMO, we are honest about the ambivalence that comes with the end of an affair. I've never been able to feel just one way about anything. I'll almost always feel that way, and the polar opposite, but in different proportions that never remain constant. And I am also one to behave in whatever way I feel at that moment, but it would be nice if everyone was self-aware enough to behave that way and add the qualifier "I don't feel this way all the time and I am ambivalent about this breakup."
Diver012 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Im definetly not in the same boat here. My Ex is not sending me letters.. thank God. She is not calling me asking if Im ok. Thank God Again.... I really pray that it continues. Its a lot easier for me when I know I dont have to see her or be around her. As far as the On/Off Switch.. yeah Ide like some answers on that one myself. One of the hardest things I heard was.. I know I said I love you but I dont. Yeah Great! Thanks for that one. I think the feelings change LONG before they are communicated. Maybe they wake up one moring and realize suddenly, they dont feel the same as they did early on, but the change was so gradual it wasnt noticed till it was to late. Part of me thinks there are to many people who are into the Romance part of love, but when things change and the relationship needs work, its so easy for certain people to just bail. Except the fact I have to work with her...
Smung Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 What I found is that my ex wanted to keep in contact with me in order to make sure she got everything she wanted back. she came to me asking me to sign an agreement to relive here of some money she got from me and I woke up. I told her last night that I would not be contacting her again. I removed her phone number from my cell and am only keeping one email to prove that the stuff I still do have were gifts. no not little trinkets but equipment. NC works.. the trick is actually listening to the advice and doing it!!
Author stronggirl Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 he just gave up the best person in the world. yes! that's the way to think. i know my ex is going to regret his choice. for what he is looking for, there aren't many girls out there like me...... the ironic thing (and a huge red flag) was that he told me he has ended ALL of his relationships too early (except for one where she told him he waited too long) and had regret! not regret that he wasn't still with any of them, but that he regretted not trying harder. I think his longest relationship ever has been under a year, most close to 6 months, and he is 34! my old roommate always used to ask me, when i would start dating a guy, if i had asked them about their previous relationships - how long, what happened, how did they break up - and i always used to poo poo her and say, "no, i don't ask those things!" well now, i am starting to think she has something there. these guys have PATTERNS, and you go into it thinking "oh, but i am different! oh but i am special, i am the ONE"....... YEAH, riiiiight. now i say get a clue.
AriaIncognito Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 The kicker with my recent one, is he was in a LTR for well, off and on 7 years i think. They were in CA and dated off and on. Then she moved out east. He moved out here as well, and they lived together out here for 4 years. I know he has it in him to be committed to someone, but he's not been since her (that was about 18 months ago when they split for good). I'm not sure if he's just thinking he's gonna find someone even better than what he's had, or if he's just afraid of finding her, and losing her, so he loses her before she has a chance. He told me he's scared. That he's scared he's making the wrong decision. But he also told me he doesn't want to continue to hurt me, so he wants me to move on. He's gonna do his thinking alone. He says he has things he needs to deal with and take care of. I don't know what the future holds, if anything, but I honestly think he will never find someone for him, that was as great as I was. He's even told me he wasn't sure he would either. He knows what he's giving up. I'm just so blue. I can say all the positive things I want, but right now, all I really want, is to be with him. It hasn't even been a day. I know it will get easier, but I'm not looking forward to all the pain that's in store for me. Jennifer
Author stronggirl Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 I'm just so blue. I can say all the positive things I want, but right now, all I really want, is to be with him. It hasn't even been a day. I know it will get easier, but I'm not looking forward to all the pain that's in store for me. Jennifer Oh, of course. i have my ups and downs of course. i go from being extra strong, to being so-so strong. but then i have to smack myself upside the head and realize that the only person you ever truly have is YOU. even when you are with someone, you still really only have yourself, so you need to make sure that you get along with you real well - that YOU make yourself happy. you also have to free yourself from needing immediate gratification. i think for me, that's the problem......I want snuggling, closeness, a lover&friend that cares about me, and i want it right NOW. But what's that old saying? Good Things Come To Those Who Wait? So i need to just be patient and wait for the next thing to come along that is right for me. My one real good friend said something really great to me the other day that is really helping me a lot, when i get down. She said "maybe this is the universe's way of telling you to concentrate on your business (I have my own business) for a little while; to focus on you and your career and your interests. my sense is that the universe has bigger plans for you than the guys you've been dating." this really opened my eyes.......maybe it's just the universe's plan? but anyway, I digress..... I want to hear more about Dumper's Guilt, from dumper's and dumpee's alike that have experienced that.
Yamaha Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Guilt by the dumper is usually magnified in the "lets be friends" conversation. Give me a f*cking break. I don't want to be your friend only so don't belittle me to relieve your guilt.
Author stronggirl Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Guilt by the dumper is usually magnified in the "lets be friends" conversation. what do you mean exactly? you think he kept making contact about dumb things and wanted to call me one last time to say, 'let's be friends' to relieve him of his guilt? Well, that ain't happenin'.....
Yamaha Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 what do you mean exactly? you think he kept making contact about dumb things and wanted to call me one last time to say, 'let's be friends' to relieve him of his guilt? Well, that ain't happenin'..... Many dumpers will say they want to still be friends to relieve there guilt from ending the relationship. They really don't want to stay friends they say it to help you through the transition period ( life without each other ). To just say "bye and have a nice life" would seem cold so they relieve their guilt with the promise of staying in contact ( even if there saying dumb things ).
Author stronggirl Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 God, I feel like I totally get you. I wonder that myself. I mean, just a few days ago, me and my ex were laying together, intertwined, so happy, so content, and then the next day, he's "conflicted" and "doesn't know why he won't allow himself to feel more". It makes no sense. Are they all just too afraid to fall in love? I think i have 100% decided that my boyfriend was/is commitment phobic. His past relationship history indicates that (not being in relationships for more than about 6 months, maybe his longest was a year), his family history (his dad leaving his mom and i guess it was not on good terms, lots of heavy expectations to be perfect and take car of business), and so on. I found a great thread on it and it really opened my eyes..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t22246/?highlight=breakup+guilt what do you think? does it sound like your ex? the similarities I see is loving you one second and saying he's out of love with you the next, and bailing when the going gets tough. interesting stuff. so, anyone else? I want to hear more from people!
converse02 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 When a guy dumps his gf and still contacts her, buying for stuff and whatnot. Why? I think it's b/c he still cares about that person, are concerned about their wellfare, and appreciate all the attention they given you in the past. You may realize you're completely incompatible with that person (different religions, you are republician she a dem, she marvel your DC, etc etc) , but you may still feelings for that person.
AriaIncognito Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I think i have 100% decided that my boyfriend was/is commitment phobic. His past relationship history indicates that (not being in relationships for more than about 6 months, maybe his longest was a year), his family history (his dad leaving his mom and i guess it was not on good terms, lots of heavy expectations to be perfect and take car of business), and so on. I found a great thread on it and it really opened my eyes..... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t22246/?highlight=breakup+guilt what do you think? does it sound like your ex? the similarities I see is loving you one second and saying he's out of love with you the next, and bailing when the going gets tough. interesting stuff. so, anyone else? I want to hear more from people! I can't say for sure if mine is afraid of commitment. Maybe he is. Maybe I just wasn't the right one for him. I wish i was the right one, but maybe I'm not. Maybe he'll figure out in time that i was, who knows. I guess the thing is, we can't answer these questions, because we didn't do the leaving, and we did everything we could in our power to love these people. They just didn't love us back. Someday, hopefully, we'll find ones that will (or the ones that didn't will wisen up and come back - but we could already be with someone better). I come from a broken home. Matter of fact, my mother married 3 times before i was a teen, so I dont put a lot of merit into the "broken marriage" theory of commitment phobia. I am certainly not commitment phobic, if anything, I want it more than anything. Jennifer
Author stronggirl Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 I come from a broken home...... so I dont put a lot of merit into the "broken marriage" theory of commitment phobia. I am certainly not commitment phobic Oh, yeah, I totally agree.........and am in the same situation, coming from a broken home as well......... of course, everyone from a broken home isn't a commitment phobe, but it seems as if a lot of commitment phobes come from broken homes.
RealBroken Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 My ex came from a broken home. Her mother had an affair and left when she was only 14. My ex disowned her mother for many years for it and was brought up by a very depressed father whom she looked after. My ex always had the question....... we are great but are we great enough??? What is true love, do we have it???? She also said she would never hurt me, and hated wat her mother did. In the end, she basically DID EXACTLY what her mother did to me. Maybe thats why she cant bare the IN CONTACT and has told me to stay away and has been so cold. Just wants to idnore and push out of her mind what she has ended up doin. But yeah,. her parents situation I know did bring up questions for her. One of my good female friends had to sit her down and tell her that even the best relationships werent as rosy as they appeared and there was no such thing as the fantasy fairytale situation she was lookin for. One day she'll learn, Just sucks how I appeared in her "learning process" coz we were great.
Diver012 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 One of my good female friends had to sit her down and tell her that even the best relationships werent as rosy as they appeared and there was no such thing as the fantasy fairytale situation she was lookin for. Sounds like great advice to me...
rkman Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Sounds like great advice to me...\ Unfortunately girls at this stage are only intereseted in hearing what they want to hear. Anything else is perceived as a personal attack on their decision.
RealBroken Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 AGREED! Its so true! Listen to this. This girl basically disowned her mother. We broke up............. Her father tells her shes done it for the wrong reasons and isnt impressed by her. So now, she stays at her mothers where she gets all the re-assurance she needs that she's in the right and done the right thing. Even though she has no respect for her mother,..... right now her mum is teeling her what she wants to hear. It also justifies to her daughter what she did to her father. Is kinda sick really. Meanwhile her poor father lives alone and never knows when she is in town. I hope she cleans her act up. He's a depressed alcoholic and needs his daughter. She told me not to be friends with him anymore after we broke up. I tell ya what though, if the miserable thing ditches him, I will be checking up on him as a friend like i used too, she can go jump. Oh my god,... some anger coming out. I must be beginnin to move on a bit
AriaIncognito Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Excellent. Anger. I can't wait to be in that stage, because I dont want to be sad for too long. I'd rather be angry at him, and hate him, instead of wanting to be with him. Breakups are a b*tch. Jennifer
RealBroken Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Ha ha, i still wanna be with her more than ever. i really miss her,..... just angry too now. ):
Prettyinblack Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Dumpers guilt..........maybe that's what my b/f.(EX) has or had. We split up for a few months, talked on the phone and I bawled the entire time but it felt like closure for me. I felt good after that conversation! Then, a week later, the phone rings and it's him wanting to work things out. He explained why the relationship broke down for him, we talked about going for counselling and within a 2 week period, he was moody and distant again. Why the hell didn't he just leave well enough alone? Wanting to work things out and actually doing the work are two different things. Maybe it was dumpers guilt.
Recommended Posts