Author zarathustra Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 z, all I have to offer right now is some support for doing what you can to keep the NC up. You can do it, it's for the best. I also hope to see you get on your feet through your divorce. I'd be worried that 3 months would not be enough for either of you to get your head back on straight, let alone the xMM to make an effort in his M. Especially if he can observe your situation... That could taint his actions. That's why I'm going to work real hard at keeping my NC as my D unfolds, because if my xMM doesn't give his M %100 because he sees I'm available... then it's the same rollercoaster, I think. He's gotta leave for himself, without any other motivation, especially not me. Thanks for your support, bunset! I'm actually feeling positive about this NC thing. I reserve the right to change my mind though. I'm following through with Old Europe said in her thread about how to proceed. The last conversation we had about his M is that he is going to spend the next 3 months giving it some more effort but on the same token, he feels that he's already given it all he's got. So in some respect, I think that he will likely spend the next three months trying to get out of his M. At least that's the direction he said he's headed for. But he needs to do it right this time. Do it for himself and not for me. He's going to leave because its broken and can't be patched up anymore, not because of my influence. He knows that it is not fair to lead his W in an unfulfilling relationship if his heart is not with her. In his head, he's still not sure how to do it or where he will find the courage as he doesn't want to hurt her, but on the same token, he says he is very sure of what he wants. I'm just going to let it rest for now and focus on having some fun. If I think about it, I'll go insane. Its the summer. I'm going to party it hard! Besides, my I just got a really cute new hairstyle and men are already hitting on me. Nope, not shy about telling my xMM either when he called last night.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Sorry for your pain Zarathustra. Good you got a new haircut. It can sometimes make you feel like new person. I hope you have a great summer and meet a (single) guy who will sweep you off your feet and make you forget all about MM. Of course though when that happens MM will feel it and definitely want to leave his W again. You stay strong on the NC if you can.
Author zarathustra Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Sorry for your pain Zarathustra. Good you got a new haircut. It can sometimes make you feel like new person. I hope you have a great summer and meet a (single) guy who will sweep you off your feet and make you forget all about MM. Of course though when that happens MM will feel it and definitely want to leave his W again. You stay strong on the NC if you can. NC's for three months for him to get his s*** together. If he's not separated with his wife. Whether he does or not, it will likely not change how I'm going to start living my life. If he wants to be part of my life then so be it. I'm subscribing to, "great, I can do what I want, whenever I want" motto. I don't have anyone to answer to, no one to report to. I've never had that in my life and I'm going to embrace it. To be honest, I thought I would feel really lonely and sad, but I'm kinda relieved that I have more time now to focus on me. I'm not even looking to date anyone right now.
stillafool Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Good for you!!!!! I remember being single and not having anyone to answer to when my MM chose to marry his now W instead of me. I got a thrill out of having the freedom that I knew he didn't have and missed. Most importantly, after he was no longer available I really started to find myself. Your new freedom is probably eating MM up inside. ~
Lizzie_D Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Patricia, you cannot make someone happy. Its not possible. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. The people around just adds value and fulfillment in one's life. I love that. I have only realised after a few weeks of NC to learn to like myself again, and to be happy being by myself, or could that be the anti-depressants I have had to take to try and handle the situation! Having said that, he called and broke NC an hour ago. I stupidly answered, it was nice to hear his voice, and to know he missed me. God, what a moron I sound.
Author zarathustra Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 I love that. I have only realised after a few weeks of NC to learn to like myself again, and to be happy being by myself, or could that be the anti-depressants I have had to take to try and handle the situation! Having said that, he called and broke NC an hour ago. I stupidly answered, it was nice to hear his voice, and to know he missed me. God, what a moron I sound. You do NOT sound like a moron!! My xMM and I have to talk on some level because of work, and we have to remind each other not to break the rules.
bunset Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I love that. I have only realised after a few weeks of NC to learn to like myself again, and to be happy being by myself, or could that be the anti-depressants I have had to take to try and handle the situation! Having said that, he called and broke NC an hour ago. I stupidly answered, it was nice to hear his voice, and to know he missed me. God, what a moron I sound. Like z said... You are NOT a moron! Dammit, we all have hearts. I'm learning that if you don't have an open heart, it can't be broken... and by the same token, you won't be open to the best love either!! I now know that's what made my A so wonderful, while I had it! Because I was wide open in my heart. Now I pay the price for losing it... But if i don't allow that openness again, I won't get that kind of love again. It's OK to be open, just know it could hurt later, but that you're strong enough to take it, and move on! So it's OK to fall back, just be prepared to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Good for you, too z!! Here, have a lollipop and a heart band-aid
Author zarathustra Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Like z said... You are NOT a moron! Dammit, we all have hearts. I'm learning that if you don't have an open heart, it can't be broken... and by the same token, you won't be open to the best love either!! I now know that's what made my A so wonderful, while I had it! Because I was wide open in my heart. Now I pay the price for losing it... But if i don't allow that openness again, I won't get that kind of love again. It's OK to be open, just know it could hurt later, but that you're strong enough to take it, and move on! So it's OK to fall back, just be prepared to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Good for you, too z!! Here, have a lollipop and a heart band-aid I find that there are times when I wish I didn't experience the kind of love I have for my xMM because I would just think that what I had before was normal. Thing is with my xMM and I we did live together and for a while we were very happy with each other. Yes, he did leave me to go home to be close to his kids and if he leaves his wife, I have warned him that he and I will have to rebuild trust as well. Its hard for me to believe that he is going to leave her by d day. He is trying to make the least impact and trying to make the split mutual. I think she is realizing that some of the issues that they have is insurmountable. Anyway, there's a function with some friends at work that I organized and he's included in it. Neither one of us are very good at keeping NC so tomorrow will be another day of trying it again. I don't want history to repeat itself... I want a new ending to this story. Don't worry girls, I'm still upbeat. I'm not hoping for much even though he keeps saying that there has to be more to a relationship than what he has with his wife. I told him that he has to be sure. From what I understand of his wife, she doesn't do well with wishy washy men. If he leaves this time, she will never let him go home. I told him so much.
Lizzie_D Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 How long did you live with MM before he left, Z? That must have been horrendous when he did. My friend and I have imagined a situation where we are all found out, and they STILL choose their wives over us. And yet you still want him...that is not me being judgemental, I know I would as well. But our logical side should tell us to tell them where to go.
Author zarathustra Posted June 29, 2006 Author Posted June 29, 2006 How long did you live with MM before he left, Z? That must have been horrendous when he did. My friend and I have imagined a situation where we are all found out, and they STILL choose their wives over us. And yet you still want him...that is not me being judgemental, I know I would as well. But our logical side should tell us to tell them where to go. We lived together for almost 4 months before he and I decided to part ways. If he can put his words into action, then we will surely be together. If not, then I'll move on. I have tons of things I want to do. I have tons of friends I want to hang out with. If he's with me, I hope he will add value to my life and not be my life. If he's with me, I hope that I can add value to his life and not be the center of his life. Its too much responsibility for anyone to handle. One of the reasons why I could be open to him again was that I thought long and hard of the mistakes we made the last time around and we discussed what were to happen if we were to start over. We were 100% on side with all the details. Now, he needs to get out of his marriage in order to be with me as he knows that I will never engage in a relationship with him unless I'm the only woman in his life.
Lizzie_D Posted June 29, 2006 Posted June 29, 2006 Have you given him a date to work towards being with you?
Author zarathustra Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 Have you given him a date to work towards being with you? He is planning to tell his W by sept. 15 Then we will start going to meet every so often, have dinner or do something fun to get reacquainted. He said he's made up his mind and he's taking the time to break things off as he doesn't want to pull the rug from under her feet like he did the last time.
Recommended Posts