movinon05 Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Aw Zara honey, I'm sorry you've got so much on your plate. Do give yourself time to grieve or at least absorb the end of your marriage. Even if you do both believe its the right thing to do, its still going to be emotional for you in many aspects. You're right to try to focus on that for now. And you know what? I think once you're on your own - for the first time in your life!! - you're actually going to enjoy it! Give yourself time to enjoy that as well. No matter what happens with anyone else, your life is about to change. So give yourself time to adjust. Big Hugs Honey!!
RealityCheck Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 WA, had this happened a month or two ago, then no, I wouldn't be. Re H, I hope that he will find the right person for him. Unfortunately I don't think I'm that person and I've been grappling on this for a while. I'm still the same woman he married. I hurt over the same issues as in the past and is happy with the same thing, but how he reacts to my hurt is where I have a lot of problems. His reaction will not change as he sees me trying to change him. Re xMM, I hold no hope that my xMM will tell me 3 months from now if he knows where he's at and at this point, I don't really care. I cannot handle more than what I have on my plate right now. I told him already that I could handle friendship and no more for a long time as I think that going into anything deeper will lead to hurt and pain. I need time to be on my own and be single. I need to find my sense of self now, which is what my H had time to do and I didn't when we separated. I've slept 3 hours but somehow, I feel ok. Morning Zara... From your posts, it seems that you have been dealing with two very stressful situations for some time. Your marriage and the exMM. You are doing great by handling one situation at a time. That definately gives you some ground to balance all your emotions. Leaving a marriage is difficult no matter what the cause. Going on you own will give you plenty of healing time. At least I know it did for me. I was able to draw a sense of peace and I am happier for it. I wish you strength and love.
silktricks Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Z - I hope you will be very happy. Time alone will be good for you, and you may even find that the MM is not of interest to you. I know that seems not likely right now, but it could be that rather than being the man of your dreams, he was/is simply a stepping stone to freedom from an unfulfilling marriage. Best of luck to you.
lovernotafighter Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Z - I hope you will be very happy. Time alone will be good for you, and you may even find that the MM is not of interest to you. I know that seems not likely right now, but it could be that rather than being the man of your dreams, he was/is simply a stepping stone to freedom from an unfulfilling marriage. Best of luck to you. I agree with silktricks...MM may have just been the catalyst to get you moving in the right direction which is to have your freedom to do what ever you like..take your time and heal and grow from this. remember to give your self a grieving period and time to gather your self up again..I have a feeling theres a very happy life in store for you zara. I wish you the best of luck and much love! (hugs)
bunset Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Oh Z, I'm sorry that your M has gotten to this point already... I AM SO cheering and praying (in my own way) for you! Yes, you are absolutely right about time alone... There would be no way to properly create a real relationship without it. But you are doing everything as right as it can be. I know it in my bones. Keep it up, and know we care! Hugs!
StrivingtoSucceed Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 Z - While I'm sorry to hear everything you are having to deal with, it seems as if this is just the start of a new life for you. Enjoy the time you have by yourself. While you made a conscience decision to end the marriage, you know it isn't going to be easy. Time that you get to devote to yourself, and no one else, will not only help you find what makes you happy and ready for your new life ... but it will make you stronger, so that whatever happens in the future will happen on your terms and when you are ready.
Blind Illusion Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I agree with silktricks...MM may have just been the catalyst to get you moving in the right direction which is to have your freedom to do what ever you like..take your time and heal and grow from this. (hugs) I agree with that. Who knows why people, even MM come into our life. Sometimes, I'd like to think there is a bigger reason in the bigger scheme of things. ANyhow, I wish you all the best Zara. You tried...you really did.
Author zarathustra Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Thank you for all your support. Its funny how the xMMs know just when to pop back in your life. I'm in awe. Anyway, I just wanted to recognize all of you for being such amazing friends.
Author zarathustra Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Even with all that's been going on in my life, I feel in control of my life. I spoke with my sister yesterday and she said to tell xMM of my split with my H. I'm still not sure. People are giving me different advice. If I tell him now, then I can tell my work colleagues so that I can get the support I want at work. If I don't, then I will be bottling it up inside. I'm extremely verklempt. Maybe my heart is just shutting down. I'm feeling a bit numb.
movinon05 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 Even with all that's been going on in my life, I feel in control of my life. I spoke with my sister yesterday and she said to tell xMM of my split with my H. I'm still not sure. People are giving me different advice. If I tell him now, then I can tell my work colleagues so that I can get the support I want at work. If I don't, then I will be bottling it up inside. I'm extremely verklempt. Maybe my heart is just shutting down. I'm feeling a bit numb. Maybe this is another thing that you need to think about before making any decisions. You're going to feel numb because you're ending something. You might not be in the right frame of mind to make any other decisions other than those that must be made right now. You have lots of details to work out, little ones and big ones. Do you need input from people at work right now? It might be good to focus on work when you are at work so you can deal with other stuff when you're not working. If you've got friends to help you, perhaps you can hold off. See how you feel in a few days.
Author zarathustra Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Maybe this is another thing that you need to think about before making any decisions. You're going to feel numb because you're ending something. You might not be in the right frame of mind to make any other decisions other than those that must be made right now. You have lots of details to work out, little ones and big ones. Do you need input from people at work right now? It might be good to focus on work when you are at work so you can deal with other stuff when you're not working. If you've got friends to help you, perhaps you can hold off. See how you feel in a few days. I just don't want certain people to think I'm going koo koo. But you made a good point. I need to think about it.
movinon05 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 You also have to make a decision about what you will/will not want from the MM. It will make it difficult to do NC once he knows. If you are hurting, he may want to help. If he sticks to NC and doesn't acknowledge anything, you may be hurt by that. Its a sticky thing. In the meantime, if co-workers ask. Just tell them you're having some personal problems.
Author zarathustra Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 You also have to make a decision about what you will/will not want from the MM. It will make it difficult to do NC once he knows. If you are hurting, he may want to help. If he sticks to NC and doesn't acknowledge anything, you may be hurt by that. Its a sticky thing. In the meantime, if co-workers ask. Just tell them you're having some personal problems. I have made some decisions from my xMM. I would want him to stick to NC to figure out what he wants regardless if he knows or not. I know that he will be hurt that I'm hurting and same goes for me. I don't know, he'll probably come in this morning and things may have changed there too. I've come to learn to expect the unexpected.
UnknowingOW Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 I have made some decisions from my xMM. I would want him to stick to NC to figure out what he wants regardless if he knows or not. I know that he will be hurt that I'm hurting and same goes for me. I don't know, he'll probably come in this morning and things may have changed there too. I've come to learn to expect the unexpected. Zara, I understand your decisions regarding NC with your xMM. You are right, he needs to figure what he wants. He probably won't understand why you are doing this since he's trying to make changes in his life. He will be hurt too; as you are. Hugs and good luck on your path...it's a difficult one we have to chose for our own sanity.
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Zara, I understand your decisions regarding NC with your xMM. You are right, he needs to figure what he wants. He probably won't understand why you are doing this since he's trying to make changes in his life. He will be hurt too; as you are. Hugs and good luck on your path...it's a difficult one we have to chose for our own sanity. He came in yesterday morning and he said he had a hard weekend. He said that not a second went by that he didn't think about me. He said he doesn't think that things will work out at home. I said that he must try. We spend a little time alone yesterday hanging out and it was amazing. We can just sit there and talk for the longest time. Of course the talks are of how things are going at his house, my upcoming divorce, the kids, etc. Dreamin' away at things we can do as a couple and things that are fun enough to include his kids. If we end up together, I would want to be able to take his kids out and teach them how to play catch with a softball, play touch football, etc. I want to do things with him with his kids because they will be an important part of my life should we end up together. He said for a time, he missed his kids so badly that he couldn't see those things and now that he's had 9 months away from me, he couldn't stop dreaming about including me in things that he does with the kids like going to amusement parks together and stuff. He can't stop dreaming about going to vacation with me and showing me where he grew up, etc. I said that all those things you dream about is within your grasp. It will take time and effort. In the beginning, he will be lonely and hurting, but if he can get past that, then we may have a chance. Near the end of the day, he asked if I would consider going to his vicinity (I'm in the city and he's in the burbs). I asked him if he meant move there and he said he won't have anything, but the shirt on his back but he wants to be with me. I asked him if he is staying the 3 months to work things out or to muster the courage to tell her that he cannot stay anymore... that they have tried their best and things are just not working out. He said that it likely the latter. Even as he said this I will not let my heart believe it until it happens. This way, I don't build up hope to have a future with him. Knowing that he loves me more than he ever did in the past already means more to me than one can ever imagine. I'll survive on that for the next little while. I have never chosen to be the OW... he made me the OW when he went home and made me feel like one and be seen as one in the eyes of his family. I am committed to never be put in that place ever again.
Blind Illusion Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Wow, lots of developments in your life lately. Hopefully, everything will work itself out but in the meantime, keep taking care of you.
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Wow, lots of developments in your life lately. Hopefully, everything will work itself out but in the meantime, keep taking care of you. I will. I close my eyes and imagine my xMM telling me he is going to stay with his W every single time I think of him. I'm trying to prep myself for the worse. I feel ok about it. I'll post you guys on the development in 3 months. I'll likely need all the support I can get in the upcoming months and I know who I can count on!! I'm in a positive mood lately and that's not because of my being able to spend time with my xMM. Heck, he may come in today and tell me that's it, we're done. If that happens, then I'll learn to cope.
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 d date is set. September 15. I'll need you girls more than ever! My heart is in shreds right now.
Sami_D Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 d date is set. September 15. I'll need you girls more than ever! My heart is in shreds right now. Sorry to be a dummy, zara, but what is the d-date, exactly? The next time you will speak to him, and find out what is in his mind..? Or what?
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 d date is for determining if he will continue to stay and continue work on his marriage or he's tried enough with his wife and needs to leave so that he can get settled and prepare for a life with me. If he does leave, then we can work on rebuilding the relationship we had last year. Sorry about the ambiguity. I am lucky I have you all.
Sami_D Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 Zara... today marked 2 months of NC between me and MM, with a similar outlook to yours. I can say... it is possible.. it is do-able. You know we will all be here for you when it gets tough, and IT WILL... but you can do it. Good luck.
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 he said that we can chat if its unbearable. I told him that we cannot. There is too much at stake and I need him to be sure this time that if he leaves his marriage that its for good. He told me today that he really regrets going home and he wished that he was stronger to begin with to stick with me. That the hope that we will be together keeps him going. The problem is that when he says this stuff it gives me the hope that he's coming back to me and I'm afraid that if he chooses to stay in his marriage, then I'll be destroyed this time.
Patricia Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 he said that we can chat if its unbearable. I told him that we cannot. There is too much at stake and I need him to be sure this time that if he leaves his marriage that its for good. He told me today that he really regrets going home and he wished that he was stronger to begin with to stick with me. That the hope that we will be together keeps him going. The problem is that when he says this stuff it gives me the hope that he's coming back to me and I'm afraid that if he chooses to stay in his marriage, then I'll be destroyed this time. I'm so sorry for the heartache you're feeling. With MM coming back to be with me, I try to remember how it hurt so much to not be with him, whenever I try to deal with his money problems, his kids, his soon-2-be ex. He said that he should have never left last March. It took all of April for him to realize he'd made a mistake. But when he was so distant to me yesterday, and acted so not like himself, I could only believe that after being in court yesterday made him have second doubts. When we were apart, MM always swore he loved me, not his W. When he saw his future, it was with me, not the W. He has always said he's been so unhappy for years. I've been trying so hard to just make him happy, being the person I was when he first met me, loving life, independent, the world at me feet. He asked me the first time we had lunch together, why a woman like me didn't have a boyfriend, I said I didn't need one, he asked what it was I was looking for, and I said that I wasn't looking for anything or anyone, my life was good. Today marks exactly two years since that sunday evening that he called me and asked me if I wanted company. He'd had another knock down fight with the W and did his usual of taking clothes and leaving, after she told him to get out. But this time he was asking me if he could come live with me. Sometimes I feel like I am no closer to us being a real couple than two years ago. I have been through so much heartache/pain with his coming and goings, his vows of love and commitments, only to have him change his mind again and again. That its no wonder I don't feel like that same happy woman he first met. Its amazing how we can have so much hope from just a few words from our MM.
Author zarathustra Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I'm so sorry for the heartache you're feeling. With MM coming back to be with me, I try to remember how it hurt so much to not be with him, whenever I try to deal with his money problems, his kids, his soon-2-be ex. He said that he should have never left last March. It took all of April for him to realize he'd made a mistake. But when he was so distant to me yesterday, and acted so not like himself, I could only believe that after being in court yesterday made him have second doubts. When we were apart, MM always swore he loved me, not his W. When he saw his future, it was with me, not the W. That's what my xMM has said to me too. They must be related!! I've been trying so hard to just make him happy, being the person I was when he first met me, loving life, independent, the world at me feet. Patricia, you cannot make someone happy. Its not possible. Each person is responsible for their own happiness. The people around just adds value and fulfillment in one's life. He'd had another knock down fight with the W and did his usual of taking clothes and leaving, after she told him to get out. But this time he was asking me if he could come live with me. Sometimes I feel like I am no closer to us being a real couple than two years ago. I have been through so much heartache/pain with his coming and goings, his vows of love and commitments, only to have him change his mind again and again. That its no wonder I don't feel like that same happy woman he first met. Its amazing how we can have so much hope from just a few words from our MM. One of the things I'm learning is to take things slow and wait until the dust settles with the xMM and his W first before proceeding with a relationship. I want him and his kids settled into their new groove before adding another person into the mix. I understand that in the beginning, we may only see each other a couple times a week, if we're lucky. But I hope the patience pays off. Patricia, just take things one day at a time and look out for yourself. Take care of you first and then the rest will fall into place.
bunset Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 z, all I have to offer right now is some support for doing what you can to keep the NC up. You can do it, it's for the best. I also hope to see you get on your feet through your divorce. I'd be worried that 3 months would not be enough for either of you to get your head back on straight, let alone the xMM to make an effort in his M. Especially if he can observe your situation... That could taint his actions. That's why I'm going to work real hard at keeping my NC as my D unfolds, because if my xMM doesn't give his M %100 because he sees I'm available... then it's the same rollercoaster, I think. He's gotta leave for himself, without any other motivation, especially not me.
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