dax8603 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 He finally told me what he wants or what he can give. He says there is no way we can have a real relationship, what he defines as not secret and everyone knows, right now. He wants to stay friends and take a break, create some distance and get a perspective. I asked if he was willing to leave her and he said yes, but I can’t. He says the kids are too young. I could see that in a way, but it still seems like an excuse. They’re 1 and 3, very young. I could see 2 or 3 for the youngest being a reasonable time for starting a divorce. There’s also a 12 yr gap between us and he’s in an authority position over me, so that looks bad. Funny thing is my parents are a year older than his and I’m the oldest child. He says he doesn’t care about the sex and he doesn’t want me to hate him or start to ignore him. He wants me to date other people and get out to do stuff. He wants me to still love him, but to stop loving him at the same time b/c it complicates things so much. He said he couldn’t tell me if he’d leave her or not in the future b/c he doesn’t know how things will go and there are too many variables. He says his wife has no idea he’s had/having an affair. I don’t know what to do, I’m so attached and I told him that. I don’t understand why he can’t leave her if he’s willing to or give me a time frame of when. I’ve dated others and already experienced so much, but I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I don’t want to give up. I figured I’d get a straight up answer of no, but he didn’t do that, but he said he didn’t want to lead me on either. He said if the possibility arose he would leave her. What does that mean? What is a possibility? Aren’t I a possibility? I’m so lost and confused. Should I hang on and try to persuade him I’m right or completely cut him loose and be miserable with out him? He says he’s not really unhappy with his marriage and b/c his kids are so young he’s not going to ask for a divorce right now. He says b/c of how young his kids are he doesn’t want to be the one to sabotage his marriage, that would be up to his wife to do right now. From what I’ve seen and heard their relations are strained, but neither one wants to say something. I grew up in a home like that and the strains became arguments and fights. The kids were put in the middle with each parents wanting them on their side and when the kid wouldn’t pick a side they turned away by both parents. You were always try ing to avoid the tension and walking on eggshells b/c even if you weren’t put in the middle their anger was passed on to you b/c you were there and the other spouse wasn’t. Sometimes they were mad at you b/c you were the reason they stayed married, they stayed for the kids. We would have been so much happier if they’d gotten divorced. Yeah it would have been hard shuffling between homes and not having 2 parents all the time, but we didn’t really have 2 parents anyway. We had 2 mad people who were worried and frustrated all the time. I think divorce is easier on young kids too. As they get older they have a harder time coping and will usually blame a parent or think it was their fault. From what he said it sounded like he doesn’t want to be blamed if their marriage fails, so he won’t do anything no matter how bad he wants or needs to. I don’t think anyone needs to be blamed for a failed marriage. People grow and change, things aren’t meant to be, love changes, goals and such change. I know this is turning into a book. He said if his situation changed I’d be the first he called. I don’t know if he realizes how much I’m willing to give up and take on for him. I’m willing to find a job elsewhere, take on his 2 boys, his moods, his hectic and stressful 12 hr shift job, hopefully an ex wife (she hates me and all other women), and even provide him a place to stay through all of this along with his boys until we could get a real place. It’s funny how people assume we’re married. He used to correct them but hasn’t in a while. He agreed he’s attached to me too, but he didn’t say how much. We both agree what we’ve done isn’t the best, but both of us don’t regret doing it. I’ve always been so realistic and logical. He’s the same, but sometimes it’s better to throw logic to the wind and follow your heart. It may be harder, but you’ll be happier and so will everyone else in the end. Life, especially love, is a risk. The problem is he’s not a risk taker. What am I supposed to do? How do you explain to a person you’ve got things worked out, that it may sound crazy, but they’ll work out for the better? How do tell someone that logic isn’t always best? What’s worst is if I put my age in here. People assume so much from your age. I’ve had a miscarriage, almost been married, lived on my own w/o help since 15, raised my sisters, had 2 yrs college, worked since 12, done patrol work at my college police dept for a yr, and been through so much more all by the age of 18. I don’t even know if anyone will read this long a** rant and help, but I need all the answers and support I can get right now. Any advice would be great.
Tony T Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 If you want people to read your posts without getting headaches or going blind, you'll need to form paragraphs. When posting, hit your space button twice every three or four lines in order to do this. You'll have many more replies. Also, make your query as brief as possible. There are a LOT of messages here and people tend to prefer to read the shorter ones, less than five or six paragraphs. Good luck!
yesmaybe Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Wow, that was kinda difficult to read - no paragraphs! I'd like to take a second here and say something provocative: - I don't think you're in love with MM. - I think, if you actually had him, you would find that you did not really want him. - I think, even though I wouldn't give your MM a medal of honor, he is being kind to you. He doesn't love you, but he has compassion, and wants you to have a nice life. You have mentioned your childhood and adolescence - I am so sorry that you went through such trauma. It seems that this affair (and past romantic relationships) were ways to play out your "script." I don't want to get all psychological on you, but we often put ourselves in similar painful situations we went through as children, because we want to change the ending into victory. But...the process is destructive, and if there is a "victory," it is truly hallow. (By the way, just because you went through such "adult" things does NOT make you more wise or mature. Even older teens are not equipped to see the long-term consequences of their actions. I've heard that you only start to see life in the big-picture in your early 20's.) I am a huge proponent of therapy, because I've had great experiences. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16 (I was a disturbed teen), and it was only when I was 25 years old that I found a compatible therapist. Again, I've only been in "good" therapy for 2 years, so I'm not perfect...but I've made significant improvements. I started my affair with MM back in January. He is also my boss, and 50 years old (I'm 27). Like your MM, JF did not lead me on. He told me get my own life. So, a month and half into the affair, I did. And I was really happy. I held no grudge towards MM. I didn't cause drama. Instead, I whistled at work, laughed often, and was optimistic about my future. JF fell in love with me because I was so happy. He asked me to resume the affair. That was in March. And since March...he has started joint therapy with me, agreed to take steps to divorce his wife, and otherwise become just a kinder person in general (people at work comment about this). I'm not saying I'm the most confident person in the world, but I think I have a good amount. And what man doesn't love a happy, confident woman who knows what she wants? To make a long story short, I don't think you will know if MM is worth it, unless you make sure you believe YOU are worth it. And it's very hard to do without professional help. I'm not saying you will end up with MM. But I was in a similar situation. And because I focused on myself, rather than him, we both became better people. After every session, I see him become less ambivalent, and more sure in himself (yes, MM who have affairs have low self-confidence). Anyways, sorry this post is long. But I wanted to make sure you really consider seeking professional help to work through your issues. It would be really tragic is you spent your life searching for a pot of gold...and then to figure out you didn't really want it anyways.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 "He finally told me what he wants or what he can give. He says there is no way we can have a real relationship, what he defines as not secret and everyone knows, right now. He wants to stay friends and take a break, create some distance and get a perspective.much. He said he couldn’t tell me if he’d leave her or not in the future b/c he doesn’t know how things will go and there are too many variables." HE IS TRYING TO LET YOU DOWN GENTLY--HE IS SAYING IT IS OVER. HE WANTS YOU TO START DATING SO THAT MAYBE YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE ELSE AND BE OVER HIM. LET HIM GO....YOU CAN MAKE ALL OF THE PLANS THAT YOU WANT FOR THE FUTURE (BUYING A HOUSE..ETC....) HE WANTS OUT. I am not screaming, just trying to point out the obvious. I have been there, he will tell you to take a break, he wants you to be happy. Date others....this is to take the focus you have on him and put it on someone else. He just doesn't have the nerve to flat out end it. Let him go, find someone who can love you with your whole heart, someone who can experience everything new with you! Good luck!
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