joeyr812 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Im sure advice is elsewhere, forgive me for not searching!! Thru some snooping, I confimed an EA (at least) this AM by looking at some emails. We had 1 brief conversation, I said I did find out, but needed to calm down before I can talk. She's pissed that I read her email; guess that's to be expected. I want this to work. I need advice on how to proceed. different places give totally conflicting advice....some say tell the world, others say not to. Some say force a do not contact, others say to lay back. this is a good time for me to ask for some help.
a4a Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Are you married to her? More info on the other half of the EA participant : friend, coworker, neighbor.......... but without the info I would still say you should demand NC with the EA man.
Author joeyr812 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 married 10 years. kids. guy is someone she met online, lives far away, but they met once.
a4a Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 First stop taking the blame over email snooping. That would be like a car jacker stating the car owner/driver is at fault for not locking his doors and making him steal the car because of it..... utter bulls***. You need to demand NC and start going to MC to see why this EA started. Even if something was lacking in your marriage having an affair either physical or emotional is the choice of the person who engages in it. Also install a key logger on the computer and keep your phone records.... quite often what is revealed by the cheating spouse is only part of the truth. Your priority right now in life should be your marriage and your kids...... if you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel for your marriage after attempts at MC then focus on your kids and yourself. You have a rough road ahead.... and she has to be willing to do her part and fix this...... NC is not asking too much of her! She should be happy to do so if she wants to fix your marriage and attempt to regain your trust.
princessesmom Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 you can check her phone bill to see if she is calling him. Did you try that?
Chump64 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I am assuming you have solid evidence? Well I can tell you what I did when I found out. I wanted to try to save my marriage, but I was not going to put up with ANY more bullsh*t. So I offered a divorce immediately, or I offered a plan for him to unf*** things. He chose the latter. I'm not sure exactly where it will take us but we are working on it. I came up with a list of requirements. Among them: no more contact, ever, effective immediately; enter into marriage counseling for an indefinite period; tell every single detail about the affair -- no more lies (this varies with person -- some people don't want details and some do); be accountable for your whereabouts when you are not at work or not at home; give me open access to all of your email, voicemail, cell phone accounts; and probably some other stuff I can't think of. I recently added another one: Take me out to do something fun at least once a week, and be responsible for childcare arrangements. I told my three best friends; quite a few "online" friends who live outside of my area; our marriage counselor (of course); and the OW's husband. (Actually I told her to tell him, or I would, and I followed up with him.) Don't tell the world unless you are leaving the marriage. If my husband cheats again, and screws up this one chance, I will tell the world. I will even tell the OW's children myself, if I have to. (They are practically grown -- I wouldn't do that to a little kid.)
sugarplum Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 First stop taking the blame over email snooping. That would be like a car jacker stating the car owner/driver is at fault for not locking his doors and making him steal the car because of it..... utter bulls***. Yeah..... what she said!
Author joeyr812 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Heres the latest...I confronted, she admitted, and agreed to work on us. I demanded a no contract agreement, which she said she delivered. I agree totally that we need to work on the probs we had before this occured, but..here's where I need advice....I'm getting a lot of "i didn't mean it" "it's not my fault", "I didn't do anything wrong". How do you get over these hurdles? I want to work on it, but I feel like I need an admission or something that it is a big deal. I also expect the other guy is still calling and groveling. I have no evidence that she's returning calls. It's only been a few days....how hard do I push that?
Alexandra Posted June 25, 2006 Posted June 25, 2006 but..here's where I need advice....I'm getting a lot of "i didn't mean it" "it's not my fault", "I didn't do anything wrong". How do you get over these hurdles? I want to work on it, but I feel like I need an admission or something that it is a big deal. I also expect the other guy is still calling and groveling. I have no evidence that she's returning calls. It's only been a few days....how hard do I push that? First of all it's great that she admitted and voiced that she wants to work on it. Second, you say you're getting a lot of those phrases. They are to be expected, it's normal post-confrontation vocabulary especially if you are laying heavy on the guilt trip which you would at this point. However "I didn't mean it" is not the same as the other two. The former agrees something wrong has taken place, it contains admission whereas the other two negate the wrong doing. I know it seems unfair that you have to consider the rationale behind why she reacts a certain way, or says a certain thing, now after she betrayed you, but it's all part of working on it and rather crucial that you understand why she would give you cliche phrases for excuses or denying sentences. Once you understand what from what you say causes her to react that way, you may be able to avoid it and progress to real communication. My advice would be to look into counselling. It would help her get over the hang-up-vocabulary and express more of her feelings and it would help you express yourself, work on your resentment issues and generally help you both with rebuilding what was lost. On the practical side of monitoring how well NC is kept I do believe you need to "push with all your might" to use your euphemism. Include it in your talks to her, explain you need complete control over her actions to make sure she is keeping her promises to you and then after you have all your tools -keyloggers, passwords, answers- keep to it as strongly as possible.
Author joeyr812 Posted June 26, 2006 Author Posted June 26, 2006 Thank you so much. I take "i didnt mean it" to mean, I didn't intend for it to happen.
Recommended Posts