sadwife123 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Hi! I am really sad and am searching the internet for advice. My background: divorced after our year marriage to husband was ended after an affair. Father also cheated on Mom ALOT. I have been married for five years to a very confident man. I thought we had a trusting relationship. We had this thing where every week he would go out with his buddies and I would see mine. I admit I did not like this and would often complain. I did not like my husband going out to bars. Once a week he would go out drinking. We also once a year would go on a "buddy" trip. He would usually go to Vegas to watch football games and place bets. Eight months ago he went to Vegas and "made out" with another woman. I knew something bad happened because I just felt it. I tricked him into telling me the truth. He told me he drank too much and made out with this girl in the elevator. He called her phone from his cell phone several times. He talked to her for a total of 20 minutes. He admitted he tried to contact her after the kissing. He said he did not know why he did it. When he got home I called the other woman and tried to see if they slept together. I asked her if she used a condom and she said "what! we didn't have sex!" So, I am pretty sure they did not have sex. But mind you, I really believe that kissing when married is cheating and worth getting divorced over. My husband said kissing is nothing compared to sleeping with someone. Anyway,the agreement we came to was that he can never go to a bar again (because I don't believe married men need to go to bars) He also stopped drinking since the incident, but will start having a "few" beers at a restaurant after a year is up. He said he likes to drink beer and apparently most men do. He says I was crazy to want to divorce him when this happened because it was just a kiss. He says he made a mistake and is sorry for it and now realizes how important I am to him. He said he doesn't know why he did it, but was trying to feel cool or something like that. I feel really sick about it. Recently he is planning a trip with his friend to go to Miami, Florida. I asked him why he would pick Miami since it is a "party" city. HE said his friend picked it, but he will go wherever I tell him and he doesn't have to go there. I am considering going to a psychologist because I think I am going crazy. He says he wishes I kissed someone and then he can get over it. It seems he doesn't understand why it still hurts me and he is surprised I don't trust him still. He says he would get a lesser sentence if he killed someone. Anyway, can anyone help? Very sad and confused wife
Pink Amulet Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Why is he planning a trip with a friend?! Where is your trip together!?
Poboy Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 People can make mistakes and can be forgiven . In your case , since you are married and you love him , you have to consider lots of factors... You are obviouslly very hurt by this . Excessive alcohol can lead to crazzy stuff but he was sorry and he did give up drinking since then. So he has made effort on his part to try to mend the situation. In my opinion , you can give him another chance .You can lay down some rules or things he has to agree for he will be going to the trip like no excessive drinking , getting involved with women or if he cheats again , thats it. If he is able to agree to these things and you can trust him ... it would be good for the marrige. If you are really too bothered by this , do go see a psychologist.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 In my opinion you are making him pay for the crimes your first husband committted. Lighten up, it doesn't sound like anymore than a drunken mistake. I would be alert, but not obsessive. He can't and most likely won't continue to pay for the crimes someone else committed against you. If you want him to stay with you and be faithful I would say your first move should be to individual counseling and then some marriage counseling.
Jana Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Cheating is defined differently or every one. You now have guidelines of what cheating is for your marriage, in your case you should tell him everything of what you feel cheating is and he should tell you. This should have been done a long time before you were married. This may not help you but in my situation I would not feel good about my SO going out with his buddies (married or not) to a party city. I don't like strip clubs, lap dancing and such. If this is what he wants then he should be single and leave me alone. He feels the same way regarding me but i know he has a cumplusion for strippers for some stupid reason. (I am gorgeous so it is not that they look better than me and i have class and integrety) No I am not jealous of strippers, the old cliche/excuse strippers use. I have no rason to be. So i know if he went out he would go to a club. Even if it is not sex it is lap dancing (tits in face, ass in face and feeling her up) that is cheating in my book and I will not accept it no matter what. If he went out i would start going out and give him reason to feel suspicious, ugly feeling. we would breatk up if it happened. i would not put up with it. I live to be happy. So he does not go to clubs (I always check) and he does not go out with his buddies unless i am along and we have a great time. I am always invited for we are a couple and a happy one too. he has given me reason for suspicion in the past so I take a stand and communicate if I feel something. and you know he does it to me too and the communication we have is incredible. not taking s*** from each other is wonderful. We are best friends and on the same page. If I were you i would not want him to go on vacations with his buddies because he has shown you that he cannot be trusted and he must earn your trust back. Going out with his buddies he will probably get plastered and not tell you to avoid conflict. Work on your marriage and don't be afraid to talk to him. If he is not the type to talk learn how to talk to him. I did and it was worth it. Accusing someone makes them withdrawn and put them on the defensive. This is How i live if it helped great but don't take s*** and don't give it and change things that need to be changed. You know his pitfalls now so use it to your advantage. Be smart about it.
Becoming Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 People can make mistakes and can be forgiven . In your case , since you are married and you love him , you have to consider lots of factors... You are obviouslly very hurt by this . Excessive alcohol can lead to crazzy stuff but he was sorry and he did give up drinking since then. So he has made effort on his part to try to mend the situation. In my opinion , you can give him another chance .You can lay down some rules or things he has to agree for he will be going to the trip like no excessive drinking , getting involved with women or if he cheats again , thats it. If he is able to agree to these things and you can trust him ... it would be good for the marrige. If you are really too bothered by this , do go see a psychologist. Amen, and amen! My H did this, he'd be out of the house until he decided whether or not he wanted to be married and what he thought that forsaking all others part of his vows meant. We all do stupid stuff we have to forgive one another for at the same time that we put our boundaries down and enforce them according to what we can and cannot tolerate. I think you probably have leftover issues with your dad's cheating and your past as well that are worth exploring so you don't sabotage this relationship. At the same time, H should respect your past and treat it with tenderness, not doing anything to make you distrust another. A few marriage counseling sessions would probably do you good so you get the underlying issues of trust and freedom/commitment worked out before you do any more damage to one another as a result of this incident. Best wishes!
Author sadwife123 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 I talked to him about it after my post. He said he understood and changed his plans to another spot in Florida. Ironically, his friend's wife did not want his friend going to Miami either. He said a good point though thats why I am posting again. He said, he knows I am gone if he does it again. He said he could cheat anywhere is he wanted, not just Florida. I told him I will try to trust him and this first vacation will be the hardest for me. Its like learning to swim again after you almost drown. The first time is the hardest, but you have to do it, you can't stop swimming! Thanks so much for your comments. This really has helped me tremendously. P S I could go to counseling myself, but he does not want to go to marriage counseling. I went with my ex husband and nothing came of it.
foxtails_pm Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Well he didn't really cheat, then again that's just me. In my definition only sex (oral, vaginal, or anal) is cheating. I knwo this and I was raised that how, my parents use to kiss and have lots of making out sessions. But now that I'm starting to think of it, I dunno if my g/f thinks like this. I haven't done any of that, but one time I almost wanted to kiss these two girls I kinda had attraction for, only I thought about it and was like "Damn, what if my g/f doesn't like it".
BenJammin Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Well he didn't really cheat, then again that's just me. In my definition only sex (oral, vaginal, or anal) is cheating. I knwo this and I was raised that how, my parents use to kiss and have lots of making out sessions. But now that I'm starting to think of it, I dunno if my g/f thinks like this. I haven't done any of that, but one time I almost wanted to kiss these two girls I kinda had attraction for, only I thought about it and was like "Damn, what if my g/f doesn't like it". your parents are supposed to kiss each other, how did this teach you to kiss other people? and no your girlfriend probably does not feel that ay.
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