She's the best thing to ever happen to me.. Now she's gone

June 22, 2006

I need some advice. I read the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t59339/ which made me decide to join this place. I almost felt every hurt this guy is going through, and i've convinced myself the best counter-attack is to leave her be and let her make her mind up on her own but thats' never been in my nature and i've never been able to allow myself to do just that. After reading that post it made me think about things from a different angle. Will she do this to me again if she decides to try to make things work down the road? Will i have merely nothing but negative feelings about her throughout our marrige? How is my family gonna react toward her if i take her back.. say she decides to give it another try? If in fact she has slept with this other guy i'm afraid i'm only gonna feel like i need to even the score. We were trying to save money to help her finish school and be able to build a nice house on my land as a short term goal, already thought up blueprints. 1 dog and 2 cats i now have with a nice yard lots of tree's flowers that she planted and worked damn hard at, i started a vegtable garden this year for the first time, hanging ferns the whole 9. How the hell did things get to this point.

Let me start out from the beginning: Right out of high school 2nd semester of college i had a bad solo car accident off a bridge as a result of being penalized for a DUI. Hospitalized for over a week broke bones/jaw/ribs punctured lung heart etc. I made it through. I met this girl the following semester with mouth wired shut from jaw surgery and she took me in to hang out at her place. We were both 18. I started to like her and suprised i wasn't a turn off at the time. She was dating someone else and broke off with him to date me. I was active playing tennis fishing very outgoing. We dated for 6-7 months and i was falling in love if i wasn't already in love with her. She decided she needed to move in with her mom 350 miles away because apartment rent went up. I vowed to help her pay it or find her a house for cheaper. After convincing her of how much i cared and telling her i loved her we worked it out and got her a house for rent instead of apartment for $200 cheaper and 15 miles closer to my parents house where i lived. I started staying out there with her and we became inseperable. Her mom started showing her true colors and showing jealousy because my HUGE family provided sooooo much more for her than she possible could. Bought her car/paid her schooling/paid off her CC dept etc. provided for her like a family should provide for a member of that family. Enough about that. We saved money she works at restaurant in greenville, sc and i worked at radioshack. We had decent income and enough to pay small rent and small bills at the same time save. We bought a mobile home with the savings. My father owns the land. With that paid we can save to build a house in the future.. kinda like a stepping stone. Actually the one stone closest to the porch that we made ourselves says B*** & T*** 2004. We got married May 21, of 2005. Big wedding lots of people (mostly my peeps) at the church and lots of excitement. Went to cancun mexico for the honeymoon. My parents paid for everything her mom showed up and gave a $14.69 frydaddy from walmart as a wedding gift. She even herself will admit her mom is worthless. This is just a little background with us. Recently, on May 24th, 2006 she decided she was "tired of going the distance" in our relationship and my playing xbox and never paying her attention was just too much dissatisfaction for her. I always assumed everything was ok never argued and everything is alright as long as there are no negative confrontations. I came home from work and she was not home. I waited till 11pm and started calling and looking for her worried to death! She wrote me a txt message telling me to look underneat the computer moniter, in the basket, for a note attached to the back of a picture, almost as if she didn't have her mind made up as to she wanted me to find it or not. It told me she would not be home tonight she would be home tomorrow for me to think of where my priorities are and not to call or it will make it worse. Of course, i call. No answer. Call next day, no answer. make 10 calls next day no answer. I get mad and turn off her phone. She states to this day that is the reason she has signed a 12 month lease on an apartment paying over $600 amonth rent and only making about average $250 net take home a week. I have been seeking a marriage counselor since and asked her to go with at first she was like ok but i can't go this week now she says she doesn't need to go that i'm the one needing the counseling. I've went already to 7 meeting and he told me from the very beginning she is interested in someone else. I didn't want to believe it cause she always got skiddish about me lookin at other women and worried about me and old flings from high school when in fact she is the world to me and cheating never crossed my mind. 4 days later she stopped by the house with a mutual friend girl of ours to get some clothes because she was sleeping at a friends house named cathy (girl). At that point i begged her to stay and she showed up a little intoxicated and there was no way of talking to her conscious. She made comments like "you have no friends" All of your virtual friends you have to talk to on a headset, whereas mine offer me a place to stay and care about me" "You will make a great husband to a woman some day" "I love you but i'm not in love with you". Well a week or so after she left she showed up with her mother and a uhaul truck to take her s***. I didn't resist and actually help her pack things gave her the suitcase and help load stuff in the truck. A week later went by i never called. I texted her she responded, i called and i talked for a bit maybe an hour and i popped the question. "Are you interested in someone else?" She didn't answer. I said Ti** are you interested in someone else? She was like "No, I'm talking to someone", "But we're not doing anything" I said.. "ooook" Are you interested in this person? she said "We're just talking!!" angrily. I asked again and she said "Yes I'm Interested!!!!" I asked how long she said a week. I asked was it someone from her work she said it's none of my business and then said no it's not it's someone she has none for awhile. And then continued to bring up some stuff saying that one of my friends has always liked her and she thought i should know that. (had no clue why she said this) I asked how long she said talking to him for about a week. I started asking around and the phone bill came and she had not in fact been talkin to him for a week but for over a month and even while she was in my house underneath my roof with me here. Started on May4th on the phone and she left on the 24th. Starting on the 11th they started talking everyday and progressively more and more each day all the way to 8 times a day!! I saw that number appearing a lot and the day before she left talked to him 9 times. That night i remmebr i could tell something was bothering her and i asked.. it was the night of the last performance on this season of american idol that we were watching i asked what was wrong she said nothing.. i said are you sure she said yes nothing. I assumed was correct. His name is Samuel Tellez and is a cook at her work. I heard from people she works with he is not the homewrecker type but she really came on to him and started calling. She had the audacity to talk to him in our own home that we worked so hard to make nice while i'm in the house with her. Talked to him for 15 minutes everyday on the way home for work. talked to him before i got home from work and even after i did. Even talked to him in the morning after her cup of coffee. I thought our hands fit like no one else's. I guess i was wrong. Before i found out about this during the initial leaving she said "if he straightens up his act i may come back" " He is the one with the issues, he has problems he needs to take care of before i think about coming back" Final words.. I called her last Sunday morning and really really let in to her about how bad she made me feel like everything was my fault when in fact she was the one trying to leave with a half-ass clear conscious by placing all the blame on me. Making up all these different reasons and seemingly trying to convince herself i drove her to this. Guys.. Does anything condone cheating in a marriage? To make matters worse. It's the month or our anniversary and she choose to leave 3 days after our 1 year. She didn't have much to say as i let her know how i felt after finding out what the reason was. Of course she says, "We're just talking not doing anything, i can't have friends?" "I'm not cheating we're just talking" i replied" YOU ARE f***ING MARRIED OF COURSE THATS CHEATING" and go figure from there.. Please help me, give me guidance on what to do, i still love her i would lay down and give my life for her before i found this bit of info out, i dont think i've got over the initial shock of her leaving nor the fact that she is ""talking"" to someone else which she says is not cheating. Help me please, Help! love you guys

June 22, 2006

Please guys i know the post was sloppy and long. I've offered marrige counseling she refused she admitted seeing someone. I cussed her out and called her a cheater for it and adulterer. What do i do from here?? If she has really cheated then i dont think i can deal with it. I'm real depressed and last week went and bought a new Jeep Wrangler Unlimited cause I have been talkin about wanting one for years. She will very rarely communicate with me. She keeps saying.. "We will talk about this later" And just when i think we are getting somewhere "Later" is waiting 4 days without a response or conclusion and She will say "later" again. Please thumb through our history together on the prior post. I think i am ready to call it quits but when i ask her for divorce she just says "I dont know" but I dont want to be the puppet on the string and I hate that i feel like she has control over this by choosing when to answer the phone. She keeps putting this off and we have been together for over 5 years and married for 1. I am 24 she is about to turn 23. What should be my next move ? what are her thoughts? Why is she putting this off and not talking to me she will not even meet me face to face. What is her train of thought right now??

June 22, 2006

Married only a year and already she is cheating? My advise.... you're still young and have a lot of living left to do. You two should still be in your honeymoon phase with only being married a year. Personally, I would divorce her and date around for a while. Find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. You don't need her permission to get divorced. You just divorce her. Don't ask for her consent.

Now, if you really want to save this marriage, your first move is to expose this affair. Expose to her family with your proof. What about the other guy? Does he have a wife or girlfriend? If so, expose to them. If not, expose to his parents. Affairs thrive in secrecy and if you help keep it a secret, you're helping them have the affair. She will be furious with you at first for destroying her little fantasy world. However, the anger passes and if she really has any love for you, she will understand why you exposed.

Good luck and take care.

June 22, 2006

Put it in to dot points. Ask specific questions. If you don't get any help here soon try seeing a counsellor.

June 22, 2006

Does anything condone cheating in a marriage?

No. But some things do LEAD to cheating.

what are her thoughts? Why is she putting this off and not talking to me she will not even meet me face to face. What is her train of thought right now??

She is thinking about life without you, and enjoying her new affair.

What should be my next move ?

Decide whether you want to fight for this marriage. It's a personal decision. If you have a lot invested - like kids, history, your dreams - then it may make sense to spend 6-12 months doing everything you can to be a better husband and ask her to come back. For specific step by step instructions, seach for "marriage builders plan a".

Or, you can choose to throw in the towel, based on the idea that your marriage never had much holding it together in the first place. It seems the major thing drawing you together was your family's money.

Will she do this to me again if she decides to try to make things work down the road?

Not necessarily. If you have a truly good relationship where both of you meet each other's needs, AND you both have the maturity and self-control necessary, AND neither of you is a hardcore chronic cheater, then you could ahve a cheating-free marriage after this incident.

Will i have merely nothing but negative feelings about her throughout our marriage?

Possibly. Did you know that your feelings are NOT caused by events, but rather by your own thought process?

How is my family gonna react toward her if i take her back.. say she decides to give it another try?

You should know better than me. I'll take a wild guess and suggest that they may tell you to kick her to the curb.

I'm curious...why did you want to be married in the first place? If you never see each other, you spend your time with the Xbox, she spends her time with her sisters, why get married? I'm thinking that you were both too young and neither of you understood the obligations of marriage. No, it's not true that you can tell your marriage is great by lack of "negative confrontations". I'm sure she felt neglected, and one or both of you lacked the maturity to realize and address this problem. I'm very sorry, it sounds sad. You had a dream of living with her and enjoying the benefits of marriage. Sounds like your dream was coming true but hers wasn't.

June 22, 2006

The cold hard facts here are real simple I think from what I read of your post . She is very simply trying to have her cake and eat it too until which time she can make up her mind. Do not allow her to control this! if this were me I would call her give her an ultimatem and simply state him or me . Then stop contact with her as much as possible . Trust me you will be on her mind more then before especially if you do not make any attempt to call her . If a couple of months rolls by and you do not here from her you probably will not . You can divorce her date around and find a woman who will love you and respect you. You are still very young and can have a happy marriage and family in the future . If she should decide to come back to you get counseling and try to fix the mistakes of the past . Do not allow yourself to be a doormat it will hurt more that way then just telling her flat out what you expect and then move on . I wish you luck and hope she does come to her senses and comes back to you .

June 22, 2006

This guy is single from what I understand. I didn't find out about him until about 5 days ago. I shouldn't be angry at him right? Since i heard that she is the agressor in this. Oh i've been trying to expose this to all of her friends and everyone i come in contact with at her work #1 if they are caught seeing another employee one gets shipped out to another store location #2 to make it uncomfortable for them to be doing this in the first place without having to look over there back for me. But I guess I do want to throw in the towel but there is the burden of proof and having her admit this in court. Or else we have to wait 12 months before divorce can be filed in South Carolina. I'm afraid i'm gonna change my mind before that time is up and decide to give her another shot. Right now i do not want to give her any chances. I'm still in love with her though is the sad truth. We had sooo much planned and people who knew us never said just her name or mine. It was always both in the same sentence. I'm an emotional wreck right now and as you can see from the post times have been up all night. ok here's the question. Do i want it to work out with us and get back together.. Yes. I can't answer why to that or why i feel that way. I feel like i want to be released from her also and never see her again. I also feel that i want to get even with her and hurt her back and embarass her the best i can. I also want to hold her and wake up beside her in the morning and kiss her lips before i roll over to fall back asleep. Now i'm crying and gotta go. ( myspace.com/bradbennett1)

June 22, 2006

You will be going through mixed emotions. Look up the 5 stages of grief. You are experiencing that. It will let you know what to experience in the future (with your emotions).

Right now you need to show some tough love. Pleading, begging is only going to push her away. She is not facing any consequences because she knows right now that she could come back to you without any recourse.

You need to give her an ultamatium. Talk to her (preferrably in person or a letter) and tell her CALMLY that you love her & still adore her and you can now see there has been alot of miscommunication and a lack of understanding on both our parts. That you want to work it out and you are going to counseling for yourself. That you would really like her to come along as well. But for this marriage to work you need to stop seeing this other guy because anytime a 3rd party is involved there will never be a resolution to the problems that we have. That if you don't want to cut ties with this man and work on the marriage with me then I have no choice to file for divorce. It's not something I want to do but I have no other option. I always envisioned us together for the rest of our lives and know that we can get over these hurdles together if you decide you want to.

Then let her make her choice. In the mean time don't contact her or contact her friends. Let her start to worry about you. It's the push/pull theory, if you push, she'll pull away. I know it's hard but in the mean time do not let your thoughts get the best of you. Do not make up scenarios in your head on what they might be doing. You need to start taking care of yourself and to try to take your mind off of things in the meantime.

June 22, 2006

Dude, not to be insensetive, but it's all over. It's all done except the crying. Time to divorce and resolve never to see her again. At this point, what does she have to offer you that doesn't include pain? Go ahead and move on to the next stage of your life. You've got a life and you don't have to live it pining over her. Sure, you could wait for her to come back, but you'll find things are very different even if she does. What you want is the way it was, before the pain. That time is over and gone. There is no way to get it back. You can start again. Life is full of fresh starts for love and careers. As many as you want. Part of happy living is learning that truth. When the storm blows away your house, you don't sit in the mud crying for the rest of your life. Eventually you rebuild. The sooner, the better. Have faith in you and enjoy your single time to yourself. Buy all the toys you want, go back to school, take up expensive hobbies, work out, date a lot of women, drink a ton of beer! You're still young with plenty of time ahead! Being single and carefree has it's own appeal as you'll realize once you lose it.

June 22, 2006

Despite what some other people told you - ultimatums DON'T WORK. All it's doing is trying to FORCE someone to do something you want. If you give her an ultimatum and she comes back then you can never trust her. Why? Because she came back out of fear. Fear of losing what she had and fear of making a mistake. If you two ever get back together you don't want it on those terms. Trust me on that.

She's hurt you and hurt you bad. The fact that she won't even go to counseling tells you that she's running away from any responsibility and accountability. She's lying to you and to herself.

It's okay to grieve. Go through the process of your pain but know that she did this. You may be responsible for a some things going wrong but how can you know if she won't even talk about it or go to counseling?

Also...ask yourself this question. Can you really accept her back knowing that she's been in the arms of another man? I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't. I'm just saying that you should really think about it. Decide if in the end if it matters. Because if it does and you two get back together life will be pretty miserable for you.

Now....for some advice? I would suggest that you not contact her. She's already signed a lease for a new apartment so she's thought this through. Don't worry about the divorce right now. You shouldn't make a decision like that when you're emotional. Just forward all her mail to her, put anything that reminds you of her away, turn to your friends and family for emotional support and work on moving on with your life.

You loved her and had great times but basically move on and be the guy that you've always been. If she feels that she made a mistake....trust me...she'll contact you.

If she feels that she made the right choice....then you won't hear from her again.

Either way it's out of your hands. It's her problem.

If she contacts you....then you guys can talk things out. But before that day happens....you need to figure out what you want to say to her, what needs to happen (counseling, time apart, etc.) so you don't just cave in and let her walk back into you life....over your prostrate body.

I wish you the best of luck. I visited your myspace page ealier and you seem like a nice guy. I can't imagine that you'd have a problem finding someone better in the near future.

June 22, 2006

Well, start talking to a lawyer. Be prepared to protect your hard won investments if her choice is to just dump you like that. Sorry but at least be ready for it. If you have any joint accounts, credit cards etc. Cut her off now.

Think whether or not you really, really want her back. Whether you are in love with her, the idea of her or just don't want to be alone.

You have to make a choice and you have to get her to make a choice. Looks like she already has. That's one cold way to end things. Just move out without a word, not even an attempt to let you know there was a problem? First year of marriage? Looks to me that the writing is on the wall. You're still quite young and there's plenty of good people out there. Just take your time.

June 22, 2006

Well, start talking to a lawyer. Be prepared to protect your hard won investments if her choice is to just dump you like that. Sorry but at least be ready for it. If you have any joint accounts, credit cards etc. Cut her off now.

We never had joint accounts think God and the house is in my name and the property in my fathers. Just dont want to have to be looking over my back for the next year until divorce is final and not have my freedom.

Think whether or not you really, really want her back. Whether you are in love with her, the idea of her or just don't want to be alone.

I've done a little searching, man I started thinking of what to name our kids just a few months ago.. Just wanted to be a good lil couple out in the sticks ya know? I think i might be afraid of being alone. Everyone says how fun the single life is. But point is.. I did not ask for it, it smacked me in the face like a stack of bricks. I felt secure with her she fulfilled me. Never thought anything could come between our connection. **I still have not slept**

You have to make a choice and you have to get her to make a choice. Looks like she already has. That's one cold way to end things. Just move out without a word, not even an attempt to let you know there was a problem? First year of marriage? Looks to me that the writing is on the wall. You're still quite young and there's plenty of good people out there. Just take your time.

I severely blessed her out for doing me that cold and making me feel like it was all on me. I have not touched my xbox in 3 weeks.. i think i'm phobic of it now. I really let her have it once i got the phone records of her callin him in my on damn house with me in it. That took a lot of balls. I have not tried to cope with the cheating part yet, i dont think it has hit me like i would have thought it to.It may be an emotional state to say this but I want her to tell me she will go through divorce and admit being unfaithful so we can end this asap. I txted her yesterday and asked her could we start being nice to one another and talk through this like adults and not fight. She responded " I'm going to bed.. dont be all pissy.. calm down we will get to this later" I talked to her last sunday about finding out about sammy. and txted her yesterday on Wed. I have since called everyday because the last thing she said before we hung up "we'll finish talkin about this later" when i was practically pleading with her to agree on divorce term out of extreme anger. FYI

June 22, 2006

Bro.......You don't have to "agree" to divorce. You file, the sheriff notifies her, she can contest if she want's, but it only prolongs the inevitable. If someone want's out, they'll get out. No mutual permission needed. You're finally getting mad, but you're still letting her call the shots and take control. Texting? "Don't get pissy"? Pfffttt! I'd tell her I'll get pissed whenever I goddamn feel like it, and an affair makes me feel like it! Keep a watch for papers rubber banded to the doorknob b%$#h! You want it different, you know the number and the talk better be worth my while!

I don't know man, you see, I've been through this before, you haven't. It's real easy for me to script my actions using hindsight. I didn't act like that the first time around either. I will tell you this, upgrading your balls gives you a whole new outlook on life. Things get better. Being nicey nice and standing by the wayside waiting on her will neither bring her back, nor garner you any more respect. I don't doubt she has absolutely zero for you as it is.

June 22, 2006

Bro.......You don't have to "agree" to divorce. You file, the sheriff notifies her, she can contest if she want's, but it only prolongs the inevitable. If someone want's out, they'll get out. No mutual permission needed. You're finally getting mad, but you're still letting her call the shots and take control. Texting? "Don't get pissy"? Pfffttt! I'd tell her I'll get pissed whenever I goddamn feel like it, and an affair makes me feel like it! Keep a watch for papers rubber banded to the doorknob b%$#h! You want it different, you know the number and the talk better be worth my while!

I don't know man, you see, I've been through this before, you haven't. It's real easy for me to script my actions using hindsight. I didn't act like that the first time around either. I will tell you this, upgrading your balls gives you a whole new outlook on life. Things get better. Being nicey nice and standing by the wayside waiting on her will neither bring her back, nor garner you any more respect. I don't doubt she has absolutely zero for you as it is.

Unless we come to agreement on the unfaithful (adultery) thing then she can prolong the divorce for the full 12 months this state requires. She has to admit adultery but she keeps putting it off whenever i do get to talk to her once a week and keeps saying "later". I dont want to be attached to her for that long. That's a whole year of my life I could be with someone else instead of having to wait out being seperated with her. You see? I'm prepared for her to say no on working this out but i need this past me first, and if she says no to working it out i never want to see her again. Not 12 months not 12 days more of marriage to her.. Nothing! I will cope with my feelings about her later. I'm trying to figure out what she might be thinking right now as to why she keeps putting off "facing the music" ?

June 23, 2006

What difference is it if she admits to adultery? Most states now have 'no fault' divorce. Even if you cheat on your spouse you don't get 'penalized' for it. It's not like you are going to get all of th assets because she cheated. It doesn't work that way.

Sounds like you don't want the divorce yet she is still calling all the shots. Without counseling for you two I don't see how this is going to work out.

The reason why she's putting you off is that she's being selfish and not caring about your feelings. She wants to see what this other guy is about and if things don't work out she'll come crying back to you with fake tears. Don't fall for it, women are way too good at that.

June 23, 2006

Talk to a lawyer. Even in no-fault states, a contested divorce can take a while. Regardless, get the ball rolling. You'll be effectively divorced anyway and you can still start dating. It'll probably take you almost a year to get completely settled in a new life anyway.

June 23, 2006

Just got back from speaking with my counselor a few minutes ago. He said I am still going through extremely mixed emotions. I found out last night at a club that the guy she is seeing from work is a lower-class druggie. He small time deals weed etc. and has absolutely no class. That really hurts. At least make it a college hunk not a "bottom of the barrel", restaurant cook for life. He said i'm still experiencing anger toward her and want for her back. I told him she fulfilled me and i can be in the darkest space at the darkest hour and always felt safe because she was there with me. I told him I've heard the word and expression "empty or emptiness" before but never felt it till now and thought it was a myth. I know the best for me is to move on and i'm trying to get the divorce ball in motion. He assigned me a book to read "How to survive the loss of a love". I'm gonna check it out today after I leave my attourney's office. I just dont understand how she could leave me for some no ambitionist low-class druggie skank that is probly bragging to friends right now about his new married piece of ass he is getting. That is just nasty. Now in my eyes she is nasty to mess with someone of that class and nature. It's gross. I still know her for who she was and can't believe this. Anyway.. I'm gonna chk this book out, in the mean time, can you give me feedback on this? I really appreciate all you guys taking the time to give much needed help and advice.

June 23, 2006

It doesn't matter WHO or WHAT she's dating. Maybe she secretly likes drugs, weed, drinking, the party life, whatever. Maybe she's intimidated by the college hunk or anything even resembling a successful person, but it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR RESPONSIBILITY! You have placed entirely too much of your self worth in this person. She is not your savior! Hell, it doesn't even look as if she can save herself! Make a concerted effort to control your thoughts and heal your emotions with confidence in yourself and the new found strength you are developing as a result of this pain. It will pass, and you will learn from it. Dig deep for what you need to get through this. It's there trust me, you've just never seen it before.

June 23, 2006

Unless we come to agreement on the unfaithful (adultery) thing then she can prolong the divorce for the full 12 months this state requires. She has to admit adultery but she keeps putting it off whenever i do get to talk to her once a week and keeps saying "later". I dont want to be attached to her for that long. That's a whole year of my life I could be with someone else instead of having to wait out being seperated with her. You see? I'm prepared for her to say no on working this out but i need this past me first, and if she says no to working it out i never want to see her again. Not 12 months not 12 days more of marriage to her.. Nothing! I will cope with my feelings about her later. I'm trying to figure out what she might be thinking right now as to why she keeps putting off "facing the music" ?

You really need to calm down.

You think having her admit it will change things so you can move on and feel better. It won't. You're GIVING her control and power over your life. Dude...she's not even thinking about you right now. You wanna know why? Because she knows you're stressin' over her....allday....everyday. She's not worried. She doesn't care. She's doing her own thing and you're an afterthought. I've been there before. Like what Ken said...you have to 'upgrade' your balls and move on. No need to be nice but don't waste your time starting a war either.

And if you have to wait 12 months then fine. I was legally still married to my wife for a little over 2 years before it was finalized. It didn't stop me from meeting someone nice and settling down with her. I told her the situation and she understood and was patient with me and the process.

You're angry and hurt right now and making any important decisions will be a big mistake. Just chill out and take care of yourself for awhile.

June 23, 2006

It doesn't matter WHO or WHAT she's dating. Maybe she secretly likes drugs, weed, drinking, the party life, whatever. Maybe she's intimidated by the college hunk or anything even resembling a successful person, but it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM OR RESPONSIBILITY! You have placed entirely too much of your self worth in this person. She is not your savior! Hell, it doesn't even look as if she can save herself! Make a concerted effort to control your thoughts and heal your emotions with confidence in yourself and the new found strength you are developing as a result of this pain. It will pass, and you will learn from it. Dig deep for what you need to get through this. It's there trust me, you've just never seen it before.

Peach....listen to this guy.....he knows what he's talking about.

June 23, 2006

Dude, she's not going to admit to anything if it puts her in a worse position so stop waiting for it. Your best bet is to lawyer up before she does. Man, sucks to be you right now but it'll get better. Hey look at it this way, better one year into the marriage than 10 years with kids to fight over.

June 23, 2006

Dude, I really feel for you, I do. Not that I thought you were lying, but the 12 month thing just didn't sound right, but I checked it on divorcenet.com where they have state by state laws, and I can't believe that there really isn't a "no fault" option, your spouse has to be guilty of cheating, drunken-ness, abandonment, or you have to live apart for 12 months. That is really weird to me. I'm awfully sorry. I have been divorced twice, both in TX and represented myself both times, and I got a lot of help from that website to make sure I did everything legally. This may be an option for you if you don't have any kids and she has already moved out- you've already divided your property, and don't have any joint accounts.

And I see what you mean...if you give in and take her back and it doesn't work out, then you have to start the waiting period over again? Or hire a p.i. to prove the adultery, then file for the divorce? Ugh, that sucks. I guess that is just how it is, but I don't think that is right.

June 23, 2006

I'm trying to figure out what she might be thinking right now as to why she keeps putting off "facing the music" ?

Because SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO, and the fact that you want it, that it will make you feel better, or make things easier for you MEANS NOTHING TO HER. She doesn't give a s*** about you or your feelings and it's high time you returned the favor!

I know it's hard. I remember being this way. The feelings, emotions, and behavior are compulsive and you have to keep fighting them. Deep down inside you truly believe if you love her enough and do enough for her, things will be OK. You can't understand how this isn't true because you really don't want to face up. That's why I keep trying to hammer the hard truth into you. I wish I had someone to do that for me back in the day.

NOTHING NICE you do for her will make her love or respect you! The best you can hope for is pity, which makes you pitiable. The only way to keep her from walking on you is to get up, and that means knocking her down since she happens to be walking on you at the time.

There's a good chance that once you start taking back your respect, she'll get interested again. This is where you have to exercise self control and refuse her. Only then will you wrest some control and respect back here. If you immediately run back to her as soon as she calls for you, she'll think "Oh yeah! There's the guy I remember. I was almost scared he wasn't interested in me anymore. Man, what a loser in comparison to <insert current lover here>." Then she'll go right back to the same old antics. Perhaps you two can get back together, but you're going to have to make her chase you a while in order to have the level of respect you'll need to keep her attention and your self-respect. I don't think that will happen. It will probably only be a passing infatuation with your new behavior, if that much. Personally, I'd tell her to go rot in hell and mean it as a standard response to anything at this point.

June 23, 2006

Dude, I really feel for you, I do. Not that I thought you were lying, but the 12 month thing just didn't sound right, but I checked it on divorcenet.com where they have state by state laws, and I can't believe that there really isn't a "no fault" option, your spouse has to be guilty of cheating, drunken-ness, abandonment, or you have to live apart for 12 months. That is really weird to me. I'm awfully sorry. I have been divorced twice, both in TX and represented myself both times, and I got a lot of help from that website to make sure I did everything legally. This may be an option for you if you don't have any kids and she has already moved out- you've already divided your property, and don't have any joint accounts.
And I see what you mean...if you give in and take her back and it doesn't work out, then you have to start the waiting period over again? Or hire a p.i. to prove the adultery, then file for the divorce? Ugh, that sucks. I guess that is just how it is, but I don't think that is right.

The simple solution to that is to go have sex with someone else yourself. With that law being the way it is, you can probably find an appealing woman in the same boat as you. You think?

June 23, 2006

Kenyth, that's funny. I would not have thought of that one.

Kenyth is giving really good advice though. I understand that you think you know somebody, they screw you over and you can't believe they are gone and there's nothing you can do, it really hurts; but you can't control the ones you care about, it's so hard to accept that but the sooner you do the better. She's being extremely s***ty to you by not even doing you the favor of making the divorce as quick as possible. I'd be very angry, but I guess that doesn't do any good. I think you really should just talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are so you can proceed, and be actually doing something proactive if it's at all possible...best of luck, best wishes.

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