Do we settle for Compatibility and not Love?

[cynicalnlove]

I don't think that's love - when you are obsessively attached to someone regardless of whether they are compatible or not. I believe that's more like addiction. It's easy to be addiction to a person. IME, anyways, when you are a dreamer you tend to fall in love with the idea of a person, sometimes even moreso than with the reality of that person. And when confronted with the differences between the ideal and the real, you become conflicted, confused, frustrated, and you don't understand why you love someone that you are not compatible with.

 

Then you're like, geez, why is this person I love not a good fit with me?

 

The answer is simple. because you never really loved the reality of that person to begin with. Over time you are consistently and constantly confronted with that reality until you live with cognitive dissonance and reach for anything to explain why. But the truth is in front of you.

 

I've thought about this a lot. I relate it to my experience with drug addiction. The quick high (that "in love" feeling) versus the peak experience high (that deep enduring love that comes from compatibility, shared goals, and challenging each other to be better people).

 

You get high from drugs, say, cocaine (my DOC). The high you get from coke is unlike any other you get from real life. So, the addict chases that high. When you get sober you realize that you get high from life, from peak experiences like travel, or volunteering, or helping others -- but it's a different KIND of high. It's a deeper, more enduring, more fulfilling high. You can't really compare the two, but one is definately better (in the long run) than the other.

 

A cokehead will insist that those peak experience highs are not highs at all. Because they are addicted to that quick, intense high. Just like those who are addicted to that "in love" feeling will insist that the more enduring love that comes from compatibility is not the same kind of love. Sometimes they can't recognize it as love at all!

 

All I'm saying is -- that "in love" feeling, gets you so high. Those kind of highs never can last, so they aren't really high moments at all. Just a cheap, dirty trick of neurochemical interactions and horomones.

 

 

 

I believe I should've been a little more specific when I had conjured up this topic; although otter ~ you do have a very good point when you say that we were at one point addicted to someone. But the reason why I had asked this question is that .. Alot of people break - up; painful divorces etc. etc.. Why? I know the infamous meaning of "if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be..everything happens for a reason." How could we do something to salvage that breakup?

 

So I came to thinking, yes - they truly love their significant other; but there are so many factors that comes into play. The pet peeves, the finances, the characteristic's; yet they truly love their partner. If they had truly loved their sig. other - is LOVE strong enough to be able to go through such turmoil of life, through pains and happiness? Sometimes, they do crumble or not strong enough; which will ultimately end in a divorce and everyone's forced to move on.. which it seems to be 1/3 married couples today.

 

However, why is it that in other countries these people have arranged marriage by matchmakers by personality and characteristics that these two people are compatilble, and their marriage seems to last FOREVER.

 

No, i was not speaking of foolish childish love, when I spoke of in love. I spoke of in love because that is a feeling that I believe is a strong type of love, more so than the mutual friendship of love. Does that make sense to you guys??

[Outcast]

You think that people who marry for love know what they're doing. They don't. Lots of people can't distinguish real love from infatuation.

Lots other people marry people they can't live with - that's where compatibility comes in. If you can't stand being in the same house with someone, the 'love' goes pretty fast.

Still others marry thinking life will be easy and when it's not easy, they blame their partners.

Other people are out for making themselves happy and don't care if they hurt their partners.

Other people have issues of various sorts.

Other people marry people with vastly different views about everything from money to raising kids so all they do is fight.

Other people develop addictions or reveal them. Other people are abusers but didn't let that little fact be known during a hasty courtship.

 

There are no simple answers. You can't sum up the experiences of millions of people in a few sentences. You can't make a single assumption about why marriages work or fail and expect it to be true in every case.

 

One element is vital to a lasting marriage; commitment on both sides. It's not 'the' answer or the only answer but it's a vital part of any answer.

 

In the arranged marriages you speak of (the ones that turn out ok where the women aren't being beaten, etc.), one of the reasons so many last is that people are brought up to expect to have to work hard at their marriages. Since they're not assuming 'love will make everything ok', they know they have to work at the relationship. Where a lot of people in Western society figure if something's tough, it's ok to quit on it.

[little_girl]

so my question is, when you find the one that you are compatiable with & after 8 years you decide to get married, & then a higher power decides that it's not meant to be, & takes him from you! how do you ever decide to try again?

[eyeswideshut]

Your question is exactly the questions I've been asing myself for so long.

I was with someone I was in LOVE with and I stayed for 8 years. Throughout these years I changed and evolved from little girl to woman, and he still loved me unconditionally. But I still LOVED him, but eventually left him because we were no longer compatible. I loved him, but not his values and his traditional ways. He was extremely loyal, devoted, but from a different culture than mine. I realized that I couldn't get past the cultural thing because all my thoughts and values no longer meshed with his.

I left him because my values and thoughts were always so opposite from his. I couldn't live "day to day" things with him. I found someone who thinks exactly like me though, but who has issues, but who is a really compatible (in all ways) friend. The thought of being a friend made me fall in love with guy #2.

However, I don't know that guy #2 is all that devoted and true and loyal like guy #1.

So, to answer your question, I think for me, it is still a quest in my life to see where I will end up.

Since I broke up with my fiance, I have never found a man I respect more and who would treat me better. I left for purely "value conflit" reasons. And it still hurts.

argh!

[little_girl]

i lost my best friend & lover how do i cope & go on in life? i lost him by a heart attack nothing more or less! it was out of both of our hands but it truly sux! so where is my advise on how to go on & do you love again after you found your true love after 8 years, & decided to get married & then 16 daz later he is taken away from you! wish i could give advise but think i need some now? sorry to all of you! they say it is better to have loved & lost then not to have loved at all, but i say it sux!!

[cynicalnlove]

i lost my best friend & lover how do i cope & go on in life? i lost him by a heart attack nothing more or less! it was out of both of our hands but it truly sux! so where is my advise on how to go on & do you love again after you found your true love after 8 years, & decided to get married & then 16 daz later he is taken away from you! wish i could give advise but think i need some now? sorry to all of you! they say it is better to have loved & lost then not to have loved at all, but i say it sux!!

 

 

Wow, thank you all for sharing your thoughts and experiences in this matter. I guess it all concludes, love is just not good enough.

[RecordProducer]

so my question is, when you find the one that you are compatible with & after 8 years you decide to get married, & then a higher power decides that it's not meant to be, & takes him from you! how do you ever decide to try again?

You keep reminding yourself that great people do exist and you'll find one. Would you prefer it if you only had bad experiences in love? Would that make you have faith in love?

 

He was good, but it wasn't meant to be. You'll find another guy. This guy only seems so great because you're still in love and see him unrealistically. He broke up for a good reason - any reason is strong enough when someone dumps you. If he left you because you spilled milk, it means he didn't love you. People basically break up for two reasons:

 

1. They fight too much.

2. They don't love their partner anymore.

 

If you had a good relationship and he left you - he couldn't possibly love you. When my ex-husband left me, I thought he was perfect, OMG how could a true love like ours die? As I was getting over him, I realized that he barely had any good qualities (except sense of humor and a talent to fake sweetness), that I was very unhappy with him, and I was better off without him.

[Geoffrey]

Right now, from where I am sitting, I don't have the time or the energy to invest myself in another person....been there, done that....and got basically NOTHING to show for it. I am 99% convinced the one for me doesn't exist.

 

I am 41 years old, was married for 11 years, but am now resigned to the fact that it is highly likely that I will remain single for the rest of my days. And the weird thing is, I am actually OK with it.

 

My life is opening up now after a disastrous breakup with a gal I wanted to marry last year, but who ultimately settled for being with someone else besides me....so there ya go...I like my life so well now that I don't WANT another relationship....perhaps I am the one who should be called "cynical in love"....

 

Sorry about that.

[Outcast]

I know a couple who found each other in their early fifties and then spent thirty years together very happily. Never ever give up hope.

[blind_otter]

If they had truly loved their sig. other - is LOVE strong enough to be able to go through such turmoil of life, through pains and happiness? Sometimes, they do crumble or not strong enough; which will ultimately end in a divorce and everyone's forced to move on.. which it seems to be 1/3 married couples today.

 

However, why is it that in other countries these people have arranged marriage by matchmakers by personality and characteristics that these two people are compatilble, and their marriage seems to last FOREVER.

 

No, i was not speaking of foolish childish love, when I spoke of in love. I spoke of in love because that is a feeling that I believe is a strong type of love, more so than the mutual friendship of love. Does that make sense to you guys??

 

I wasn't talking about "childish" love as you call it. I'm not sure what that is -- puppy love, like adolescents? Because IME full grown adults are capable of being passionate about any addiction, even work.

 

Arranged marriages tend to last because of the culture from which they are spawned - if you are faithful or devoted enough to your culture or religious faith to go through with an arranged marriage you are more likely to also closely follow those dictates that proclaim divorce is taboo.There are a lot of sociological factors that go into the much lower divorce rate amongst arranged marriages, and there is a lot of relatively well known research reguarding those confounding factors.

 

But interestingly enough, my mother comes from a culture of arranged marriages, and she married for love -- her concept of love is quite different from the western idea of "love", and IME love is not enough to make a relationship continue. Compatibility, understanding, compassion are all factors that go into a successful relationship. My mother has a completely different set of expectations about marital relationships, very much colored by the culture she comes from. I think everyone does. Love is not a static concept, nor is there any cut and dried definition, so it's a hard marker to judge any relationship by. But compatibility, is a pretty clear cut psychological concept although it is by definition something that is tailored to the individual, so it's a much easier mile marker to spot when determining whether a relationship is successful.

 

The things that mess us up come from the idiosynchrasies and personality quirks, the issues and baggage we all carry from a life that is lived and experienced, all the traumas and sadness and painful parts tend to make us put up defenses that are conquered by the individual, not any other external component -- not even love.

 

I think you separate the two, but that's not necessarily possible.

[sirjay]

the peak experience high (that deep enduring love that comes from compatibility, shared goals, and challenging each other to be better people).

 

 

It really upset me to read this because I really feel that I found this with my ex but it took losing her to realise it and get my life together. We've been apart for 4 months and I think about her every day and every night. It was 3 years we were together and just being with her made me feel great. we didnt have to do anything, just walk around the city and chat. we made each other want to be better people, you used the words i did.

 

i dont know if she feels the same way at this point, or if she will ever take me back. i miss her so much. everything good that i do, i want to share with her and shes not here.