cynicalnlove Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I wonder if all of you have given up on true love, and settle for the person that best fits your personality. Is that what it all boils down to? The person we love from the utmost core; doesn't guarentee that they'll love us just the same. It could mean that we love them, ready to be the center of their world and have that position in return.. but is love even enough to withstand life? What if the person you love has so many issues, one that will be too much trouble for you to continue on loving them and caring for them.. would this be the person to be able to help you raise a family, or the person whom you will continue to grow with, and hold.. So do we settle with compatability more so than love?
Pyro Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I wonder if all of you have given up on true love, and settle for the person that best fits your personality. Is that what it all boils down to? The person we love from the utmost core; doesn't guarentee that they'll love us just the same. It could mean that we love them, ready to be the center of their world and have that position in return.. but is love even enough to withstand life? What if the person you love has so many issues, one that will be too much trouble for you to continue on loving them and caring for them.. would this be the person to be able to help you raise a family, or the person whom you will continue to grow with, and hold.. So do we settle with compatability more so than love? I would say that the love grows from the compatibility that I have with someone else. I would never devote my time and my feelings with someone unless the two of us were compatible.
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 I would say that the love grows from the compatibility that I have with someone else. I would never devote my time and my feelings with someone unless the two of us were compatible. What if the one you love, is NOT compatible.. what would you choose to do then? Or is it that you choose to love this person because you are compatible?
Alexandra Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I wonder if all of you have given up on true love, and settle for the person that best fits your personality.... So do we settle with compatability more so than love? Huge topic. Hollywood love. Compatibility. Chemistry. Definitions, semantics afterall. In your question it does sound like you're opposing "walking on clouds in love" to "respectful, copatibility based mature love". Are you very young? Personally I find it's never a matter of "settle", my definition of love is all about fitings;)
Pyro Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 What if the one you love, is NOT compatible.. what would you choose to do then? Or is it that you choose to love this person because you are compatible? Thats a tough one because for me personally, if I was never compatible with them, I would not have spent anytime with the person. If you mean that you fall in love with the person and then you realize that the two of you are not compatible, then I would try to look past and deal with what the differences are between the two of us and if I am still unable to get past the non-compatibility, then I would have to end it. I couldn't and I wouldn't be spending my time with someone that I am not compatible with.
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Huge topic. Hollywood love. Compatibility. Chemistry. Definitions, semantics afterall. In your question it does sound like you're opposing "walking on clouds in love" to "respectful, copatibility based mature love". Are you very young? Personally I find it's never a matter of "settle", my definition of love is all about fitings;) No, I am not quite young; but I am a dreamer. It is now more of a question.. have we all replaced love with commitment of a family?? Granted, we want to marry the right person that will bring us happiness; but more so a happiness of our comfortable enviornement we have all taught ourselves to be.. The passion, desires for the opposite sex certainly alter as we age, but I believe there's a part of us that wants to cling on to that feeling for that someone that makes us feel different; the cloud 9 stage. But in the end, is love really comes down to what fits us best? Or is love about having that someone that makes us empowered; to be taken to a place that is a secret??
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Thats a tough one because for me personally, if I was never compatible with them, I would not have spent anytime with the person. If you mean that you fall in love with the person and then you realize that the two of you are not compatible, then I would try to look past and deal with what the differences are between the two of us and if I am still unable to get past the non-compatibility, then I would have to end it. I couldn't and I wouldn't be spending my time with someone that I am not compatible with. Exactly my point. If you had fallen in love with someone, and you realize that THIS person will stir the pot, will you sacrifice it? And if you don't, would you really call it love? Have we gotten love all confused, or is it that we have replaced love.. in other words, you will replace the one that makes you flutter for comfort?
Alexandra Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 But in the end, is love really comes down to what fits us best? Or is love about having that someone that makes us empowered; to be taken to a place that is a secret?? I'm sorry, I still don't grasp the opposition you're implying, why are those two mutually exclusive to you? But in the end, without attempting to define love -a task at which humanity routinely if poetically fails- it's all about who we are. To over generalise, rational people will be on cloud nine for finding and keeping compatibility while dreamers will be unknowingly compatible while only feeling the cloud.
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 I'm sorry, I still don't grasp the opposition you're implying, why are those two mutually exclusive to you? But in the end, without attempting to define love -a task at which humanity routinely if poetically fails- it's all about who we are. To over generalise, rational people will be on cloud nine for finding and keeping compatibility while dreamers will be unknowingly compatible while only feeling the cloud. Correct. So I'm thinking you're saying that respectful love is powerful than the feeling of being in love.. You see, what I'm trying to get here is that even though people marry for the sake of being in love, and they would do virtually almost anything to keep that feeling and most of the time it fails because they are not compatible with us, which will utimately end in some lame breakup or divorce; we tend to marry someone who is much more compabile even though we were never in love, but tell ourselves.. "well, he's a good man/woman." And then we grow to love them more, but a different kind of love, not the IN LOVE. So what you're saying is that, we should give up in finding the "in love" feeling and settle for what fits you best?
Alexandra Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 So what you're saying is that, we should give up in finding the "in love" feeling and settle for what fits you best? Nope, not what I'm saying. What I said is that we all have different definitions depending on our own personality, upbringing, history, etc. What I said was that different people experience love in very different ways but in my opinion, as well as from a professional p.o.v no matter what the name they use is, no matter whether they are aware of it or not, compatibility plays a role in most romantic relationships we form. You'll ask how can I say that when good girls fall for bad guys and the reverse. Believe it or not there is something that resonates with their emotional needs even if these ones make no sense to you or I at first. Also I'm not personally comfortable with your distinction... "being in love" and "loving" are, to me at least, not different categories but rather different phases. I think humans progress from interest and like to falling in love -or becoming infatuated in some cases- complete with that walking on clouds and honeymoon period phases and then later on, as time passes, come to new plateau, growth and decline phases where love feels different maybe less fire but more depth, maybe less clouds but more friendship or compatibility, etc. See, just typing the above and it seems wrong because I'm mixing potatoes with pink crocodiles here to try and get my point across and that is the case with anything beyond "Love is different things to different people."
Moai Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I can say that I am in love now for the first time in my life, and it is BECAUSE we are so compatible. It all happened by accident, too. We just started hanging out together more and more, and the more we hung out the more I realized that I genuinely liked her--sounds weird, I know--and that I wanted to hang out with her more because of that. I've known her for two years and always liked her, but it was no big deal until now. Before with girlfriends, there always seemed to be this glaring thing that I ignored because I wanted her so bad. I would rationalize it away and try to see past it, but it never worked. It seemed like love at the time, but now I know it wasn't. There was challenge, sexual tension and all that, but at the core there wasn't anything valuable. I began to notice that when this particular woman wasn't around I missed her--a first, I don't usually "miss" people--and without her around nothing was as fun as it would be if she were there. I began to notice how gorgeous she is. I always knew she was pretty, sure, but it became different somehow. I can't explain it. I don't know if I want to. It goes beyond just finding her sexually attractive. I want her totally. I saw her playing with a mutual friends' kids, and thought she would really be a great mom, and then I thought I wanted her to be MY kids' mom. I told her how I was feeling and she asked me what took me so long, and we have been inseperable ever since. None of this would have happened if we weren't so compatible, and if I were looking for her I never would have found her. The whole thing happened so naturally that it really has that "meant to be" feel to it. It is so much deeper and fulfilling than any "Hollywood" description of love it is like the difference between looking at a picture of chocolate cake and actually eating it. Sorry if I am rambling, but I am really happy with the whole thing, and I am definitely in the compatibility+friendship=True Love camp. Get this: A few weeks ago I gave her my ATM card to use at the store, and told her my pin #. She said, "Gee, that'll be tough to remember. It's the same as mine! I use that for everything!" If you told me a year ago something as simple as that would make me feel so incredibly awesome I would have told you that you were nuts.
Sand&Water Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Sorry if I am rambling, but I am really happy with the whole thing, and I am definitely in the compatibility+friendship=True Love camp. I agree with this! Having a solid friendship beforehand, makes room for a strong romantic relationship to flourish. It's an awesome winning package - you get the friendship and the romance. *In today's world, it's challenging to go from a platonic to a romantic relationship, without losing the friendship component or for most people, getting rejected, and having to be stuck in the "just friends" department.
Outcast Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I believe there's a part of us that wants to cling on to that feeling for that someone that makes us feel different; the cloud 9 stage That part will get you in trouble, because the 'cloud 9 stage' is a result of chemicals and will ALWAYS fade. You'll get spots of it over the years but it can't be sustained. It's like saying you'd like to be drunk for the rest of your life. It all happened by accident, too. We just started hanging out together more and more, and the more we hung out the more I realized that I genuinely liked her--sounds weird, I know--and that I wanted to hang out with her more because of that. I've known her for two years and always liked her, but it was no big deal until now. And this is exactly why being someone's friend is NOT fatal. Love very often grows out of friendship in just this way.
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 That part will get you in trouble, because the 'cloud 9 stage' is a result of chemicals and will ALWAYS fade. You'll get spots of it over the years but it can't be sustained. It's like saying you'd like to be drunk for the rest of your life. And this is exactly why being someone's friend is NOT fatal. Love very often grows out of friendship in just this way. I believe some of you misunderstood me. Yes, love does mean different things to different people. But generally, of course you don't want to be drunk with love. All I'm asking what if.. what if the person you love doesn't necessarily a good fit for you.. Do you leave? Do you marry someone who is more fitting for you.. which could lead to a deep friendship.
Outcast Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 what if the person you love doesn't necessarily a good fit for you.. Do you leave? Yes, because the bad fit will kill the love eventually. Do you marry someone who is more fitting for you.. which could lead to a deep friendship No, you wait until you find someone the way Moai did - someone you enjoy being with so much that you don't want to quit being with them.
Author cynicalnlove Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 Yes, because the bad fit will kill the love eventually.. Thats what I'm asking.. so compatability is stronger than love.. Do we eventually just settle for those who just match well with us. No, you wait until you find someone the way Moai did - someone you enjoy being with so much that you don't want to quit being with them. Hmm.. not everyone is that lucky
Outcast Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Do we eventually just settle for those who just match well with us. Um. Why must you insist on believing that it's 'settling'??? Hmm.. not everyone is that lucky If you're patient enough, you'll get what you want. It's people who can't or won't wait that end up 'settling' because they have some sort of fixed timeline or schedule in their heads.
RecordProducer Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Love and compatibility should not be exclusive. There is no compatibility without love. Passion and romance are a necessary part of the marriage too. You can't marry a friend. The love between a man and woman is more than just friendship. Nature created us capable of being in love so why not use it and enjoy it? In any case, incompatibility (it's really a wide and disputable term) is bad for marriage. I insist on both love and compatibility.
riobikini Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 re: The Riddler: " ...if I was never compatible with them, I would not have spent anytime with the person. If you mean that you fall in love with the person and then you realize that the two of you are not compatible, then I would try to look past and deal with what the differences are between the two of us and if I am still unable to get past the non-compatibility, then I would have to end it. I couldn't and I wouldn't be spending my time with someone that I am not compatible with. " CynicalInLove: " Exactly my point. If you had fallen in love with someone, and you realize that THIS person will stir the pot, will you sacrifice it? " (Smile) Would you bolt on a tire that didn't fit your car just before a very long cross-country road trip? (You're in for a bumpy -and dangerous- ride). Would you hitch on a trailer that was many times/weight the size and weight capacity of your car, as well? (Baggage that you were never made to carry). With both analogies, I am trying to show you that life is a journey that we *can* do certain things to prepare for -and because our life ahead, with anyone we choose, is already going to full of unexpected surprises, -both good and bad- we have the opportunity to eliminate *some* of the bad right away by using *common sense* at the beginning of the trip. -Rio
blind_otter Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 What if the one you love, is NOT compatible.. what would you choose to do then? Or is it that you choose to love this person because you are compatible? I don't think that's love - when you are obsessively attached to someone regardless of whether they are compatible or not. I believe that's more like addiction. It's easy to be addiction to a person. IME, anyways, when you are a dreamer you tend to fall in love with the idea of a person, sometimes even moreso than with the reality of that person. And when confronted with the differences between the ideal and the real, you become conflicted, confused, frustrated, and you don't understand why you love someone that you are not compatible with. Then you're like, geez, why is this person I love not a good fit with me? The answer is simple. because you never really loved the reality of that person to begin with. Over time you are consistently and constantly confronted with that reality until you live with cognitive dissonance and reach for anything to explain why. But the truth is in front of you. I've thought about this a lot. I relate it to my experience with drug addiction. The quick high (that "in love" feeling) versus the peak experience high (that deep enduring love that comes from compatibility, shared goals, and challenging each other to be better people). You get high from drugs, say, cocaine (my DOC). The high you get from coke is unlike any other you get from real life. So, the addict chases that high. When you get sober you realize that you get high from life, from peak experiences like travel, or volunteering, or helping others -- but it's a different KIND of high. It's a deeper, more enduring, more fulfilling high. You can't really compare the two, but one is definately better (in the long run) than the other. A cokehead will insist that those peak experience highs are not highs at all. Because they are addicted to that quick, intense high. Just like those who are addicted to that "in love" feeling will insist that the more enduring love that comes from compatibility is not the same kind of love. Sometimes they can't recognize it as love at all! All I'm saying is -- that "in love" feeling, gets you so high. Those kind of highs never can last, so they aren't really high moments at all. Just a cheap, dirty trick of neurochemical interactions and horomones.
Moai Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I don't think that love can exist without compatibility. When I look at my girlfriend, I don't get butterflies or anything, and I don't necessarily want to jump on her or whatever--well, most of the time. Sometimes I look at her and want to jump her (so I do!). When I look at her, I think, "That is the most awesome person on the planet, and I am SO lucky to even know her. I must do anything I can to make her happy, as she makes me so happy." Cheesy maybe, but it's true. Now that I think on it, compatibility may not be it so much as the ability to communicate so well. We almost speak in shorthand sometimes. I can say more to her with a look across a party than I can in talking for an hour with some people. As that was developing, so were my feelings for her. The deeper that gets, the deeper my feelings get.
Moai Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I've thought about this a lot. I relate it to my experience with drug addiction. The quick high (that "in love" feeling) versus the peak experience high (that deep enduring love that comes from compatibility, shared goals, and challenging each other to be better people). Great post! The challenging each other part is key, and I never would have put it that way. But it is entirely true. My girlfriend is such a nice person that I look at her and want to be more like her in that way. It also makes me concetrate on my character and work on my strengths, too, so I will be an example for her. All this starts a vicious cycle where I try my hardest to make her proud of me, and that seems to make her nicer to me, which makes me try harder, which makes her nicer, and on and on and on.
riobikini Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 re: B_O # 20 post. Blind_Otter, (good to see you back, btw) -I believe that's one of the best posts of yours, that I've ever read. Bravo!! Your decision to abstain from the boards for a short while has, obviously, refreshed you and made you more capable of delivering the brilliance that's naturally in you. (Smile) Will be looking for alot more of the 'good stuff' from you in the boards. Take care. -Rio
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 re: B_O # 20 post. Blind_Otter, (good to see you back, btw) -I believe that's one of the best posts of yours, that I've ever read. Bravo!! Your decision to abstain from the boards for a short while has, obviously, refreshed you and made you more capable of delivering the brilliance that's naturally in you. (Smile) Will be looking for alot more of the 'good stuff' from you in the boards. Take care. -Rio Bump That! Stronger and more otterful than ever!
RecordProducer Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Blind_Otter, I believe that's one of the best posts of yours, that I've ever read. She has too many good posts!
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