Lonelystar Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 My boyfriend I have been in a realtionship for over 4 years now. Things have been going smoothly pretty much, but it is a Long Distnace relationship so there has been problems. I was in a low state of mind when we got together because I was dealing with past issues of child abuse and didn't know how to cope with it until now. He told me my insecurities are stressful for him. I know I can be insecure, but wanting him to call me when he goes to his parents house is normal right? He refuses to call me when he is there, but his parents know about me. When we started the relationship he knew that we shared different views on GOD, and was okay with that until now. He said if I don't convert he might not want to be with me anymore. I the most open person I know, and have never stopped him from following his faith and have even told him I would read about it, and possibly change but I am not for sure. He tells me he loves me and wants to work it out, but always threatens to leave and when we argue and cry he says he wants to work out again. I have had it and I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much, but I am tired of trying to convince him that our relationship is worth it. We had a fight today , and decided once again to try to make it work because we love eachother, but I still feel heart-broken and really feel like it is over for good now. I don't know what to do...and I guess I just need some advice. Thanks.
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I wish I had something more positive to say, but religious differences can be a relationship killer no matter how much you love each other. If he wants you to be something you're not, and he can't wait and see if you come around on your own, then there's really not much you can do. About the only thing you can do is convert, but you shouldn't do it just for him. You have to do it for yourself.
Kengne Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 My boyfriend I have been in a realtionship for over 4 years now. Things have been going smoothly pretty much, but it is a Long Distnace relationship so there has been problems. I was in a low state of mind when we got together because I was dealing with past issues of child abuse and didn't know how to cope with it until now. He told me my insecurities are stressful for him. I know I can be insecure, but wanting him to call me when he goes to his parents house is normal right? He refuses to call me when he is there, but his parents know about me. Wanting him to call is normal. However - expectating and/or demanding that he calls is NOT. He is not your child. He does not have to 'check in'. Men do not like to be smothered, or treated like babies. Why is it so important that he calls when he gets to his parents house? Are you worried for his safety.... or is insecurity rearing its ugly head and you really just want him to call so that you know exactly where he's at? Please clarify. When we started the relationship he knew that we shared different views on GOD, and was okay with that until now. He said if I don't convert he might not want to be with me anymore. I the most open person I know, and have never stopped him from following his faith and have even told him I would read about it, and possibly change but I am not for sure. Wrong. He should not be forcing you to change into something you are not. He should respect your views on God, just as you've respected his. The only reason I could see him changing attitudes now is perhaps because he's getting more serious about you and is trying to see how you & him could be long term (i.e. marriage). Either way, I can understand that his views have changed (ppl change!) but I don't agree with the way he's going about it to let YOU know of it i.e. giving you an ultimatum. I think you should tell him you love him of course, but your views have not yet changed. Also, perhaps you can say to him that you feel pressured to change, and that this pressure (NOT him) is making you unhappy. Then - tell him that you need for him to give you more time & space, to see how things go - in order to have the pressure relieved. This way, he knows how you feel without feeling like he's a bad guy and making you unhappy. He tells me he loves me and wants to work it out, but always threatens to leave and when we argue and cry he says he wants to work out again. I have had it and I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much, but I am tired of trying to convince him that our relationship is worth it. We had a fight today , and decided once again to try to make it work because we love eachother, but I still feel heart-broken and really feel like it is over for good now. I don't know what to do...and I guess I just need some advice. Thanks. Girl... people do what you will let them get away with. He threatens to leave because you let him - and also probably to end the argument, right? Because I'm sure as soon as he says he will leave, you become all accomodating, drop the argument, get teary and try to 'work things out'. Next time he threatens to leave... don't argue, don't cry, don't say nothing. Just say, OK. Agree with him. I bet you it will shock him good, and he will think "WTF? Why isn't she begging me back?". Then, let him know you value the rel'ship and want to continue but are not going to beg him to stay with you if he wants to leave. If he wants to leave, let him leave. I'm sure he will backtrack, say he doesn't mean it yada yada... And at THAT point is when you must NIP IT IN THE BUD so it doesn't happen again! After you've reconciled and you are calm (not right after the argument... let things lie for a few hours or day or so)... Get comfortable with him... wait till he's in a good mood... and then casually reaffirm your feelings for him, and how much you enjoy the rel'ship (if you do)... BUT THAT WHEN YOU GUYS GET INTO AN ARGUMENT AND HE THREATENS TO LEAVE... it hurts you and you do NOT appreciate it (esp when you guys always end up reconciling)... and then let him know that MOVING FORWARD... you will take those words of his VERY SERIOUSLY... and if he wants to go, he is free to go ... but he better not expect you to BE THERE willing to take him back and ignore the words... let him know to be certain about what he says before he says it... because next time, there will not BE a next time ( and you stick to it! ). I 100% guarantee that if you do this... he will never threaten you to leave again, because he'll know you mean business. But the hardest part is you - you MUST carry through with it. If he says "I'm gone" tell him "Ok - here's your stuff and don't let the door hit you on your way out!". K.
Author Lonelystar Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Hi. I don't expect him to check in with me at all. I let him has his freedom trust me. I just think it is weird that he can't talk to me infront of his parents. The religion thing is something that bothers me. I can't pretend to be apart of his religion because that would be cheating him and myself. I don;t know what to do about it. Sometimes he says he is okay with me being different, and sometimes I he is not I admit when he says he wants to leave I get teary. I can't help it I love him so much. I need to be stronger and am working on it. However, I do not force him to stay . I tell him he can leave if he wants, but he wants to always work it out. Thanks so much for the comment guys. I really appreciate it. I know I need to be stronger and I am trying. I usually was in past relationships, but I guess I lost myself in this relationship. Alot of it has to do with the trauma I have been coping with and I finally feel normal, and need to be myself again.
Author Lonelystar Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 thanks so much for the advice. Hearing someone else knock some sense into me helps
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