the_alchemyst Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Last night I had one of the worst nights of my life. In the evening, I went out with my friend to watch The Lake House. We watched the movie and went to the beach for a short while afterwards, since it was really hot. At around 11 pm, we headed back home: I dropped her off at her place, and then I went back to my "house." My house. I don't know if I posted this before, but my parents are going through a divorce. This is like their 10th time getting a divorce, only to back out of it at the very end. I don't know if this time it's for sure, but in a way I suppose it doesn't really matter. Anyway, since they can't stand to see each other, they are both staying at different places right now; neither of them are at our house. I went to stay with my mom for a while, but then she decided to fight with my dad some more, and things got so ugly to the point where she told me she was going to go stay elsewhere. Please not she said SHE was going to. They both gave me some money and told me to get a little studio to stay in while things got sorted out. Isn't that nice? I said fine because by this time I was going through this break-up and seeing them fight only made me feel worse. I went off to live in this little wannabe house. In a way, I thought it would be good because I thought that I'd be able to stay out later and have some fun, but this wasn't the case. I ended up being home early, anyway, only to be faced with literal loneliness. So, I'm by myself at the moment. Okay. Last night after I went home, I felt all right. Being at the beach relaxed me, and so I thought that for once I would get a good night's sleep. I went to bed and set my alarm clock to 6 am, since I have class at 8 am. I thought everything would be okay. I was so wrong. I woke up at nearly 4 am because I couldn't breathe. I was just gasping for air and my chest hurt so badly. I had never felt that bad before; I honestly thought I was going to die. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but to me it seemed like an eternity. I was just sitting there, gasping for air, and feeling like my heart was going to burst. It was the worst feeling in the world. After what seemed like forever, I managed to catch my breath, and then I somehow managed to stumble to the "kitchen" and I drank a lot of water. My chest was still hurting, though, so it wasn't really over. I just kind of stood there over the sink feeling terrified. I was so sweaty--I don't think I've ever sweat that much in my life! I was just so scared. I didn't know what to do at all. And then I started crying and shaking, and . . . hehe . . . I just kind of collapsed on the floor, crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much. So there I was--alone in a stupid studio in the middle of the night having a who-knows-what attack. And because I was so shaken up, I decided to call my parents. Neither answered. I then called my friend. She didn't answer. Maybe I'm weak, but I just wanted to see/hear someone so badly. I felt SO alone . . . . At this point, I decided to call my exbf, thinking that he would come for sure. I dialed his number and his mom answered: he was at a party. For some reason, that just made me feel worse. I apologized for calling so late, but she said to nevermind that--she wanted me to tell her what was wrong, but I didn't. I told her I was just having a bad night, and that I was fine. No one. Not a single person. There wasn't a single person I could turn to. I could have died and no one would have known! So I just sat there crying more and more. The pain in my chest eventually went away, and I crawled back into bed, only to cry some more. And now I'm here, and I feel so very sad. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it. And sometimes I don't want to, anyways.
fabulousgal Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Sweetie, I think you wrote my day yesterday and today. I had a panic attack, and felt incredibly lonely today. I really thought I didn't want to make it either. From your posts, you are a very confident, bright woman. I don't disagree with the fact you are hurting bc you feel a loss with your ex, and that can cause minds to do a terrible thing and doubt yourself. Trust me your not alone, I am sorry no one was available to take your call. There is at least one other person on this forum, myself, that can tell you I know the feelings you described. What we must do is begin to shift the focus ahead and accept. You were the confident, bright woman before your ex. Would you have ever doubted whether you should exist then? If you don't exist, you won't be able to share all the gifts you have described yourself to have in earlier posts (and I certainly believe they are true) with a partner who will fully appreciate you and not make you feel such a low. Anyone that triggers feelings of panic or no worth, we are giving way to much importance. Let's take them off the pedastal and replace ourselves up there. Because I certainly thought I was there until the day this happened, and I bet you did too. If you frequent panic attacks/or bad thoughts, maybe you should go to counseling. I do it, it really helps me not let my thoughts go wild, er at least a little.
Author the_alchemyst Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Thank you so much for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me. About the attack, well, actually . . . I have a heart problem. For the past 10 months or so, I've been suffering from these sharp pangs in my chest. Little by little they progressed, getting more painful, until one night late last year, I just passed out. These pains are also accompanied by lack of breath--similar to asthma attacks (yet I don't have asthma). I've been taking a lot of medication for this, but it's just not working. The way it stands now, I may have to undergo heart surgery, which, as the doctor said, is unfortunately very risky and isn't guarranteed to be successful. What makes it worse is that given the nature of these attacks, it's highly probably that they result in a heart attack. Yeah, a heart attack at my age. Goodie. I know that I tend to feel worse whenever I'm feeling bad, so I try not to, but many times I can't help it. Last night I just wanted someone to be here with me, but no one was. And well, that said a lot to me, if you know what I mean. But again, thanks so much for all that you've said--I appreciate all of it.
Great Gazoo Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I am sorry about your attacks, thats not good. I have had those feelings of being alone and sad and sometimes I also think I won't make it. I know your pain but for myself anyways i choose to be alone sometimes. I have a wife but I can't put any of my problems on her, she needs me to be the strong one so I can't talk to her and I find it very hard to try and talk to anyone. I have to try and remind myself that we are never really alone. So just try to keep that in the back of your mind, there is always someone who cares.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Last night I had one of the worst nights of my life. In the evening, I went out with my friend to watch The Lake House. We watched the movie and went to the beach for a short while afterwards, since it was really hot. At around 11 pm, we headed back home: I dropped her off at her place, and then I went back to my "house." My house. I don't know if I posted this before, but my parents are going through a divorce. This is like their 10th time getting a divorce, only to back out of it at the very end. I don't know if this time it's for sure, but in a way I suppose it doesn't really matter. Anyway, since they can't stand to see each other, they are both staying at different places right now; neither of them are at our house. I went to stay with my mom for a while, but then she decided to fight with my dad some more, and things got so ugly to the point where she told me she was going to go stay elsewhere. Please not she said SHE was going to. They both gave me some money and told me to get a little studio to stay in while things got sorted out. Isn't that nice? I said fine because by this time I was going through this break-up and seeing them fight only made me feel worse. I went off to live in this little wannabe house. In a way, I thought it would be good because I thought that I'd be able to stay out later and have some fun, but this wasn't the case. I ended up being home early, anyway, only to be faced with literal loneliness. So, I'm by myself at the moment. Okay. Last night after I went home, I felt all right. Being at the beach relaxed me, and so I thought that for once I would get a good night's sleep. I went to bed and set my alarm clock to 6 am, since I have class at 8 am. I thought everything would be okay. I was so wrong. I woke up at nearly 4 am because I couldn't breathe. I was just gasping for air and my chest hurt so badly. I had never felt that bad before; I honestly thought I was going to die. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but to me it seemed like an eternity. I was just sitting there, gasping for air, and feeling like my heart was going to burst. It was the worst feeling in the world. After what seemed like forever, I managed to catch my breath, and then I somehow managed to stumble to the "kitchen" and I drank a lot of water. My chest was still hurting, though, so it wasn't really over. I just kind of stood there over the sink feeling terrified. I was so sweaty--I don't think I've ever sweat that much in my life! I was just so scared. I didn't know what to do at all. And then I started crying and shaking, and . . . hehe . . . I just kind of collapsed on the floor, crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much. So there I was--alone in a stupid studio in the middle of the night having a who-knows-what attack. And because I was so shaken up, I decided to call my parents. Neither answered. I then called my friend. She didn't answer. Maybe I'm weak, but I just wanted to see/hear someone so badly. I felt SO alone . . . . At this point, I decided to call my exbf, thinking that he would come for sure. I dialed his number and his mom answered: he was at a party. For some reason, that just made me feel worse. I apologized for calling so late, but she said to nevermind that--she wanted me to tell her what was wrong, but I didn't. I told her I was just having a bad night, and that I was fine. No one. Not a single person. There wasn't a single person I could turn to. I could have died and no one would have known! So I just sat there crying more and more. The pain in my chest eventually went away, and I crawled back into bed, only to cry some more. And now I'm here, and I feel so very sad. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it. And sometimes I don't want to, anyways. aww huni reading your post made me wanna cry.... maybe you should consider a job where you get to socialize constantly even if it's just a part time or weekend thing....but just something to get you out there meeting new people and making friends....that's why ive got myself a job behind a bar...my boss even said to me im so quiet and not someone he'd expect to have behind a bar and i told him ive chosen it to help me come out of my shell and make friends....and after 3 weeks its starting to work...and im going out with them all for the first time this friday...and im happy...more confident...gradually getting louder...so maybe it's worth considering in the future? *lots of hugs n kisses and mush* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Diver012 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Ive had those attacks as well. I colapsed in my Computer room and started crying. Mostly from stress of work, working with my Ex, being someplace new with little friends here to turn to. I just started screaming I was so tired of being scared.... scared to try new things perhaps? Not sure... just scared of the future I think. I thought my future was with my Ex, now that I know its not, for some reason, im scared of what life will bring next... I dont want to be afraid anymore. But I will be for a little while, and face it like a man... head on
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Last night I had one of the worst nights of my life. In the evening, I went out with my friend to watch The Lake House. We watched the movie and went to the beach for a short while afterwards, since it was really hot. At around 11 pm, we headed back home: I dropped her off at her place, and then I went back to my "house." My house. I don't know if I posted this before, but my parents are going through a divorce. This is like their 10th time getting a divorce, only to back out of it at the very end. I don't know if this time it's for sure, but in a way I suppose it doesn't really matter. Anyway, since they can't stand to see each other, they are both staying at different places right now; neither of them are at our house. I went to stay with my mom for a while, but then she decided to fight with my dad some more, and things got so ugly to the point where she told me she was going to go stay elsewhere. Please not she said SHE was going to. They both gave me some money and told me to get a little studio to stay in while things got sorted out. Isn't that nice? I said fine because by this time I was going through this break-up and seeing them fight only made me feel worse. I went off to live in this little wannabe house. In a way, I thought it would be good because I thought that I'd be able to stay out later and have some fun, but this wasn't the case. I ended up being home early, anyway, only to be faced with literal loneliness. So, I'm by myself at the moment. Okay. Last night after I went home, I felt all right. Being at the beach relaxed me, and so I thought that for once I would get a good night's sleep. I went to bed and set my alarm clock to 6 am, since I have class at 8 am. I thought everything would be okay. I was so wrong. I woke up at nearly 4 am because I couldn't breathe. I was just gasping for air and my chest hurt so badly. I had never felt that bad before; I honestly thought I was going to die. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but to me it seemed like an eternity. I was just sitting there, gasping for air, and feeling like my heart was going to burst. It was the worst feeling in the world. After what seemed like forever, I managed to catch my breath, and then I somehow managed to stumble to the "kitchen" and I drank a lot of water. My chest was still hurting, though, so it wasn't really over. I just kind of stood there over the sink feeling terrified. I was so sweaty--I don't think I've ever sweat that much in my life! I was just so scared. I didn't know what to do at all. And then I started crying and shaking, and . . . hehe . . . I just kind of collapsed on the floor, crying. I don't think I've ever cried so much. So there I was--alone in a stupid studio in the middle of the night having a who-knows-what attack. And because I was so shaken up, I decided to call my parents. Neither answered. I then called my friend. She didn't answer. Maybe I'm weak, but I just wanted to see/hear someone so badly. I felt SO alone . . . . At this point, I decided to call my exbf, thinking that he would come for sure. I dialed his number and his mom answered: he was at a party. For some reason, that just made me feel worse. I apologized for calling so late, but she said to nevermind that--she wanted me to tell her what was wrong, but I didn't. I told her I was just having a bad night, and that I was fine. No one. Not a single person. There wasn't a single person I could turn to. I could have died and no one would have known! So I just sat there crying more and more. The pain in my chest eventually went away, and I crawled back into bed, only to cry some more. And now I'm here, and I feel so very sad. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it. And sometimes I don't want to, anyways. aww huni reading your post made me wanna cry.... maybe you should consider a job where you get to socialize constantly even if it's just a part time or weekend thing....but just something to get you out there meeting new people and making friends....that's why ive got myself a job behind a bar...my boss even said to me im so quiet and not someone he'd expect to have behind a bar and i told him ive chosen it to help me come out of my shell and make friends....and after 3 weeks its starting to work...and im going out with them all for the first time this friday...and im happy...more confident...gradually getting louder...so maybe it's worth considering in the future? *lots of hugs n kisses and mush* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
obsession Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear about it. Is it just a panic attack? Have you had it before? Have you visited a doctor as well? I'm just concerned about you... As for the loneliness feeling, I think every person has come to a low point sometime in their lives, where people that you hope to count on falls short. It's a very lonely feeling and generally one that doesn't last (thank goodness). Sometimes it helps to know that you need to depend on yourself. Sometimes when I feel lonely, I try to exercise (really helps!), read inspirational stories, and sometimes say a prayer or two, just to keep things in perspective. Hang in there. And hope you feel better.
Author the_alchemyst Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Oh sweetie, I'm sorry to hear about it. Is it just a panic attack? Have you had it before? Have you visited a doctor as well? I'm just concerned about you... Just for clarification: The attacks I suffer from are not panick attacks. I actually have a (semi) severe heart condition that is what causes these attacks. I have taken a lot of medication and have been to plenty of doctor's, but nothing seems to be working, so surgery seems to be the last option, which in itself isn't all that reassuring. And thanks, everyone! I really appreciate your input; it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It's nice to know that people who don't really even know you are still willing to offer encouraging words. So, thank you all very much.
Touche Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Alch! I don't know what to say. I've never been in your exact shoes. PM me since we have the same birthday, ok? Maybe I can help.
KittenMoon Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 It's hard to be alone, Alchy I know the feeling. I think you did the right thing by calling your ex. If your ex is like my ex (and we've established many times they might as well be long lost twins), it wouldn't matter if he was married with ten kids in another state, he would want me to call him if it was a true emergency. But mostly I understand how you just wanted someone to be there with you. Makes ya wish LS had real time chat rooms, huh?
paige367 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Hang on tight Alch, thing will get better. They just have to don't they. Where are your parents in all this? I'm very angry at them for abandoning their daughter to her own devices like this when there are health issues at stake. I want them to get their acts together and be there for you. Until then we will be there for you.
Pantero Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Solitude is a hard won ally and the bitterest enemy. And yes, not being able to get in touch with some people you consider to be the closest to you in Life speaks volumes about them. Every moment of pain you go through now is a promise of joy coming to you soon. Hang in there. You'll make it through.
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