Tre Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Hi, I have this problem with my girlfriend and I don't really know what to do about it. We have been dating for 18 months now and everything was going pretty well up until a few months ago. We have been living together for the past 6 months and even that is fine for both of us. However the problem that has now arrisin is this. I always knew she was somewhat religious but for the first year of our relationship she never went to church or read the bible or anything like that. I am a total athiest but still it never caused a problem. Now suddenly a few months ago she tells me she doesnt want to have sex anymore before marridge!! I looks like I dont have a say in any of this as she has made up her mind. I dont see any reason why I should restrict myself for something I dont believe in and on the other hand I dont want to break up with her. I just dont know what to say or do but now Im not happy with our relationship at all. She really thought I would just say, "Oh yeah thats fine whatever!" It's killing my feelings for her, I don't feel as close to her anymore and I just want things to go back to normal as they were before. What should I say or do? I have already made it clear I'm not happy with this situation but she is not going to change it would seem. I appreciate any comments or advice, Thanks.
Guest Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 how about you respect her decision to wait? religious or not, some women just prefer helaying intimacy until a relationship is legitimately commited. if that isn't something you're willing to support her through, then i'd say let her go find someone more suitable for her.
norajane Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I'd suggest you spend lots of time talking with her about her beliefs. This sudden 'no sex before marriage' after you've already been having sex might not be the only surprise in store for you. You need to understand exactly what her beliefs are, how strong they are, what they mean, and what it will mean for your marriage and how your children will be raised. It strikes me as odd that she has a religion which is ok with premarital sex except for 6 months before the wedding? That sounds like a crock of bs to me. Either premarital sex isn't prohibited or it is. Maybe she has other reasons for not having sex with you now and is hiding behind the religion thing. You also need to understand what exactly her views on sex are. For example, if she is making unilateral decisions about not having sex before marriage, will she also make unilateral decisions about not having sex after marriage? Maybe she doesn't like sex so much and only wants to have it once a month after marriage? Or maybe she likes sex, but isn't willing to try anything new that is your idea and not her idea? Sexual incompatibility has destroyed many marriages when one partner wants it more often or wants more adventurous sex than the other person wants. People who have religious beliefs also have other beliefs you should consider...birth control, abortion, masturbation, porn use - if you don't agree on those things, you're asking for a lifetime of sorrow. You are right to be concerned, and you are right to take this seriously. Knowing who you are marrying is crucial. Making decisions about things without discussing/consulting with you is an indicator of how she might make other decisions during your marriage. It may turn out that you and she are not a good match. If so, it's better to know before you get married than to find out afterwards.
Cecelius Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 What the above poster said. Sure, it may be kind of cute for a few weeks before the wedding, but this is crazy.
CaterpillarGirl Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 It strikes me as odd that she has a religion which is ok with premarital sex except for 6 months before the wedding? That sounds like a crock of bs to me. Either premarital sex isn't prohibited or it is. Maybe she has other reasons for not having sex with you now and is hiding behind the religion thing. Reread the original post - the 6 months b4 marriage wasn't mentioned. She just came to the realization that sex before marriage wasn't right and stopped. People grow - emotionally, spiritually, etc. If he can't adapt to this change, that's fine. Leave the relationship. It's the honest thing to do and best for both of them. I don't see why we have to attribute some deep, dark ulterior motive to her decision when she's already given a reason. Sheesh!
insomnie Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I think there might be more going on here. You didn't mention this in your post, but have the two of you made any plans to actually get married in the future? I don't even mean an engagement, but do you talk about it? How old are the two of you? She might not feel comfortable having sex if she's feeling like the relationship isn't a permanent one - some women are like that. I am all for premarital sex but in order to be into it I need to feel secure, like both of us WANT to stay together for the long haul. That is, I need the relationship to be a very committed one. She might be feeling you are not commited enough, or that the relationship isn't moving forward like she had hoped. This might also be her way of attempting to get you to propose. In which case, of course, her plan backfired - but every "how to get him to propose" manual encourages withholdment of sex, so she might be trying to manipulate you that way. Bad idea. Or, the sex might not be that great for her, and this might be her way of communicating what she wants to you, which might be more non-intercourse action. Remember how when you were a teenager and messing around with girls who didn't put out, how into it they were? I, for one, really miss those everything- but - intercourse messing around sessions. If you aren't having the kind of sex she wants enough, she might be pulling this to get what she wants in bed, too. Kind of a backward way of going about it, but if your communication isn't very strong, it could be the case. Whatever the reason, you REALLY need to talk to her. It *might* be that suddenly she's simply become more religious and decided she wnats to wait after all, but even if this is so, you still need to talk to figure out what is going on in her head and what it means for you. Don't pull away so fast, if you love her, without listening to her side of it. All relaitonships have problems, and the difference between the ones that work out and the ones that don't is the paterners' ability and willingness to work through them. So, go communicate!
Art_Critic Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I had something similar happen to me a few years ago. The girl I was dating and sleeping with for 6 months decided after she started going back to church that premarital sex wasn't going to happen anymore.. Here are my feelings.. at this point it isn't about beliefs.. that went out the window when you both decided to start having sex. I think she has decided that you are not the one for her and hasn't let you in on her new found info.. This is what happened to me.. the girl and I wern't meant to be together so she pulled the ole religion out of the excuse bag in order to precipitate a breakup. I could be wrong.. she might be trying to force you into marrying her instead.. but you can't turn the sex faucet off when it has been on for 18 months.. she knows that.. You need to sit her down and have a coming to Jesus meeting with her about the direction of the relationship.. because as it stands right now she is closing the door on you
Guest Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I actually went through this too - but I played the other role. My fiance and I moved in together a year and a half before marriage and I decided that it would be better not to have sex for the 2 1/2 - 3 weeks prior to marriage. I know this may not be the same situation for you because I'm not sure if you're engaged or not or even intending to marry. I decided it would be better to wait because I felt it would mean more the night of our wedding than if we had been doing it every night until then. To me it would just seem like the norm we've been doing rather than "hey it's our wedding night let's do this since I've been wanting you so bad for the past few weeks" This may not make sense to you or anyone but believe me it felt way better after holding off for a few weeks once we did do it. The best thing to do is talk to her about what may be causing her to feel this way. She is the only one with the true answers since she is the one who knows the situation at hand best. Good luck!
tanbark813 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 She wants to test you to see how much she can control you. It's up to you if you want to let her. Withhold emotional affection until she ceases to withhold physical affection. There's no valid reason why one is more important than the other.
ronnieromance Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I say leave now. If you're an atheist and she's becoming more religious, it's only a matte of time before she stars preaching to you. Can you imagine during sex? On the toilet. In the car, where there is no escape. You marry this woman, as an atheis and you'rer in for a living Hell. No pun intended. Use t3h Int4w3Bz to find a nice atheist girl to start a relationship with. I've seen a few girls on webdate that list their religion as Atheist. -R-
norajane Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Reread the original post - the 6 months b4 marriage wasn't mentioned. She just came to the realization that sex before marriage wasn't right and stopped. People grow - emotionally, spiritually, etc. If he can't adapt to this change, that's fine. Leave the relationship. It's the honest thing to do and best for both of them. I don't see why we have to attribute some deep, dark ulterior motive to her decision when she's already given a reason. Sheesh! You're right - he said they'd been living together 6 months, and a few months ago she told him she didn't want sex before marriage. As for the rest, you're probably right about that too. I was just giving him things to consider so as to better understand what's going on with his girlfriend. He can reject it if it doesn't fit.
Alexandra Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 This might also be her way of attempting to get you to propose. In which case, of course, her plan backfired - but every "how to get him to propose" manual encourages withholdment of sex, so she might be trying to manipulate you that way. That's exactly what it sounds like to me as well. But the only way to find out for sure is by talking to her. So please do that in a non-confrontational way. Just explain your feelings towards the issue, ask her what she wants, how she sees your future, what she hopes for, probe into her spiritual and emotional motivations and things will work out.
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