Meggedy Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 To make a long story short, my bf and I have been together for 2-1/2 years, lived together for a year. I am so uncertain of what to do...the thing is he is a good guy - no booze, no abuse, no cheating - but I am beyond sick of him. I know this sounds so harsh, but I am not attracted to him anymore (probably having to do with the fact that he barely changes his stained clothes anymore), feel burdened (he depends on me for frequent small loans, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't have a car so asks me for rides everywhere), and smothered (I am at the point where I cherish my "alone" time). The thought of being with him for the rest of my life makes me cringe. I know people get "comfortable," and the magic wears off - but we're talking negative magic here at this point. My problem is that he is a truly nice guy, and I know I will hurt him if I ask him to move. I also know that our problems are probabyl "fixable," but I just don't want to try anymore. I'm the only one who could afford our place on my own, so I would stay at least til the end of the lease. It's also his first LT relationship, so I think he's clinging at this point, since I know he's not any happier than I am. (We've talked about breaking up before and he's always talked me out of it.) I don't want to go home anymore and I feel like I am being so fake by continuing this. On the other hand, I feel incredibly guilty. Any advice? Especially from guys? THANKS!!
The slayer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 You're not describing a nice guy. You are describing someone who doesn't have a drink problem, isn't abusive and hasn't cheated on you. It takes a lot more than that to be a nice guy. Leaving him will probably shock him, more than hurt him. Pluck up your courage, be honest with him why you are leaving and go. You deserve better and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Lost1616 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 The first thing is as bad as it seems because of these things... under all of it do u still love him? If so, believe me... talk to him about it. Explain what you have just said in this post to him. Sometimes us guys get comfortable and need abit of a reality check and maybe you talking to him and the thought of losing you will do that. The problems you have said do sound like they are fixable, but maybe in order to do that you guys need a break for awhile? I just broke up with my gf not long ago and i would have prefered she said "look im not happy etc etc but i love you and id like to fix the problem by having a break". Set the terms and maybe if he gets his act together from this wake up call you guys can work it out. Basically what im saying is... if you love him, try and fix it dont just dismiss it. If your honest with this guy both outcomes (he gets his act together and you work it out or you decide to break up after you have tried) you will both be better off in the long run.
Author Meggedy Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 That's a good point. I have been asking myself if I still love him. And I don't want to say the whole cliche "love him but not IN love with him." I feel like he's my brother or my best friend - boy, does that spice things up, NOT. So I care about him, what happens to him, I want to see him happy, wish him nothing but the best, but I can't stand living with him - and have felt this way pretty much since we moved in together a year ago. How's that for confusing? Have tried to work it out, get over it, change things, and nothing works. The bottom line is that I know that I would be happier without him - so I guess the answer is no, I don't love him anymore. At least not like THAT.
thegoodhubbie Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 The answer to your problem is right in front of you. Right in your own post. I am beyond sick of him. I know this sounds so harsh, but I am not attracted to him anymore (probably having to do with the fact that he barely changes his stained clothes anymore), feel burdened (he depends on me for frequent small loans, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't have a car so asks me for rides everywhere), and smothered (I am at the point where I cherish my "alone" time). The thought of being with him for the rest of my life makes me cringe. I know people get "comfortable," and the magic wears off - but we're talking negative magic here at this point. Sounds like it is over to me. My problem is that he is a truly nice guy, and I know I will hurt him if I ask him to move. You are sick of him, don't love him but don't want to hurt him. Welcome to the human race! I don't want to go home anymore and I feel like I am being so fake by continuing this. It's just like taking off a band-aid. One quick RIP! and it's done. Good luck to you
Lost1616 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Yeh exactly, it does seem like you have already made up your mind. But just before you make that final decision ask yourself this... If those problems you have stated went away and he did a complete 180 and sparked things back up, would you be more attracted to him? After all it is possible for someone to fall in love as easy as it is to fall out of it. Just dont make the mistake of ruining something that potentially might correct itself if the right remedy is applied. I think your already making progress in your own mind from reading on here. Hopefully your answer will come once you have gathered all info and thought about what your action will be. Good luck to you!
The slayer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I was in a similair sounding situation once. I was with a guy for 7 years, he was nice, he didn't drink, he didn't cheat, he didn't argue, he didn't treat me badly, the problem was he didn't do anything. He didn't work, didn't wash, didn't cook, didn't make a cup of tea, didn't tell me he loved. We got on well and I loved him, but gradually over the years I started to get fed up with always going to work (I had a very demanding job, I was a nurse) always paying for everything, getting home from work to find him reading magazines, and having to cook and clean etc. I still cared for him, but I started to lose all respect for him. I couldn't bear him to touch me and I didn't want to sleep with him, I knew this was really hurting him and making him feel rejected but I just couldn't bear to be with him sexually. This made me feel guilty and I began to long for some passion , wishing I could be single and find someone else. This made me feel even more guilty. wehad no sex at all for the last 12 months of our relationship. Although we still got on well, I still cared for him and still loved him. I felt I was living a lie. This made me feel incredably unhappy. I'd often over the final two years talked to him honestly and openly about how I was feeling. I talked about sometimes feeling that I wanted to leave the realtionship, he would always acknowledge that he could see my point and could completely understand why. We would resolve to change things etc but things never did. He also in the 7 years we were together only worked for 3 months. I wanted to help him, wanted to care for him, didn't want to leave him homeless and destitute, didn't want to hurt him, so I stayed. Eventually I left him. It was the hardest and most difficult thing I have ever done. I explained everythingsenstively carefully and lovingly, treid to suppoet him through the pain. Moved out of my own flat, payed the mortgage, and bills for 3 months, helped him to clam benefits, and access support with housing and a counsellor and left him enough cash to last til the benfits camme through. I also made sure that there were plenty of people for him to turn to for either emotional or financial support. He took it very badly. Behaved very badly, tried every "Trick" that is talked about in this forum to get me back. All of which only served to make me stronger about staying away, Hurt me, and quite frankly spared me from having any regrets or secondthoughts about whether I had done the right thing or not ending the relationship. So don't do it guys it won't work! 4 and a half years later my only regret is that we ever became lovers in the first place, we should of stayed friends. I had come out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic serial cheater, so he seemed perfect! It wasn't enough, no where near enough. I haven't seen him since the last showdown, but I do know that he did manage to sort out his own flat and support himself independantly. He was going out with a really nice woman too, but I have no idea if that lasted or it was just to make me feel jealous in the early months of our breakup. What I'm trying to say, is that it was hard and I know I really hurt him, just like all the guys who post on here. But I know that we are BOTH much,much happier now and it would have been much easier if I had done it years sooner.
Pantero Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Well, it sounds like you're making yourself miserable by being with him, so...do what you've gotta do... You can always try to tell him this stuff and try to work it out, but that I'm sure is much easier said than done. However, your post did give me some perspective as to why some women just suddenly lose interest. I think this is one of those posts you can actually learn from. Good luck to you.
noclobber Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 You know what? If this guy was an alcoholic, cheated on you, and abused you, you would have stayed with him!!! but he is a nice guy and you feel smothered by his attention and want to leave... for the life of me i cannot understand how women choose to stay in abusive relationships and get crapped on by the jerk but will decide to run if a nice guy does even some very minor mistake.... if this guy wears dirty clothes tell him it bothers you.... if you don't like offering him rides tell him it bothers you... if you feel smothered by him then tell him that he is wasting his time on you and he is better off showering his attention to some woman that deserves it... b'cos you obviously don't deserve it.. simple solution -> go find yourself a jerk!
The slayer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Which leads me to conclude that women simply find it easier to make themselves miserable than to hurt someone they care about..,...
Kengne Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Girl... it's time to let him go, NOW. I think alot of us females have been there with the nice guy we just were not in love with anymore. I know you feel guilty about leaving and hurting him - but think of it this way. The longer you stay in this dead rel'ship... not only are you preventing yourself from finding 'true love or happiness'.... you are ALSO preventing HIM from finding true love or happiness! Even though he is no longer your cup of tea - someone else out there WILL find him to be their cup of tea. It's inevitable. But the longer you procastinate re: breaking up ... the more you are wasting HIS time... and of course, YOUR time. Stop being selfish! Stop holding onto this rel'ship so as not to feel guilty abt leaving or hurting him. Do the right thing... end things with him NOW and let him move on with his life, as you move on with yours. Yes it'll hurt him but guess what? He'll get over it. TRUST ME. HE WILL GET OVER IT! As far as I can recall, no one has ever died of heartbreak. Perfect example - my 'nice guy' ex-bf whose heart I broke 8 mths into our rel'ship - he met his future wife shortly after we broke up. They have now been together for almost 4 yrs and are soon-to-be-engaged. Had I wasted his time, I doubt they would have ever met. Clearly - he got over me, and clearly - your bf WILL get over YOU. Good luck! K.
Diver012 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 You know what? If this guy was an alcoholic, cheated on you, and abused you, you would have stayed with him!!! but he is a nice guy and you feel smothered by his attention and want to leave... for the life of me i cannot understand how women choose to stay in abusive relationships and get crapped on by the jerk but will decide to run if a nice guy does even some very minor mistake.... if this guy wears dirty clothes tell him it bothers you.... if you don't like offering him rides tell him it bothers you... if you feel smothered by him then tell him that he is wasting his time on you and he is better off showering his attention to some woman that deserves it... b'cos you obviously don't deserve it.. simple solution -> go find yourself a jerk! I agree with your opinion to a point. Problem is she waited to long. Shes done. Its just a matter of time now. I personally dont understand why people who know what the problem in a relationship is, choose to never communicate their feelings so that the problem could be fixed. The man had a right to know how you felt. You have placed yourself and him in a very hurtful position by not being truthful in what was bothering you. When the relationship ends, you will feel guilty, but relieved. He will feel crushed, and abandonded. You will both move on. You will both be ok. But the longer you let this continue, the worse its going to be for teh both of you.
imperialpilotx Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 no offense, the stained clothes thing sounds a bit shallow.. but it seems when you are miserable with someone.. even trivial things like that bother you. this kind of hit home... hard sounds just like my now former relationship.. kinda The sad things is, it took me being broken up with to realize the negative things. But I am changing, not for her, but to better myself. On the guys end it feels soooo s***ty.. like we slipped at the last minute, and could have kept the romance alive but didnt, and now it may be too late. You really just need to get away.. if hes not effected enough to change.. i dunno stay away for good ? I got like that with my GF, and I regret every minute of it. I just wish it could refresh and I could be good to her all over again. opinions.. everyone on here has em i guess, some from experience some not. Alot of people are going to say move on, and that nothing will ever change. To me thats just plain bulls***, and an easy way out, but not the only way. Although it seems like its "harder" to accept your losses sometimes its not the best way. because you may be searching for years until you find someone even AS compatible as him, let alone alot better for you. People act like on here, that you can just leave someone and you will automatically find the right person. Nope. this is reality. with near 7 billion people in the world.. lets say 40% if male.. Ok so thats 3 billion men in the world, but thats also 3 billion DIFFERENT MEN. There are many out there that would work but think about how many you might come accross that wont.. But you may find yourself finding the little things in them and break it off. I say try it for a while.. breaking up I mean. You know that a break will just devastate him, as he is already very dependent on you. So just get away.. be alone. IF you start to see change in him, and start talking to him, your feelings may change again, just dont get his hopes up or down. Think about it, If you fell in love to be with someone for 2.5 years, there obviously were things there going for the both of you. Hearts and feelings will go back and forth. I dont care what anyone on here says really, its psychology. I say leave him, but not as a dead-beat, but to let him think about it, hurt about it, and let him find what to do to be more independent. When you start to miss him, then see where your heart is. This is so like my situation its not even funny. But im a guy in his situation, I obviously have no idea what she is thinking all together, but I know what I have done. IF he is still the same, then move on, and let him move on. But let me guess the romance kind of died ? People on here might say people don't "change" well that is a biological phenomenom then, because you change every day. You grow mentally, and until a certain point physically. But you are always aging. Try and break it off, talk to him the best you can about it.. if he starts bugging you just still try to shake him off until he "understands". Then go from there. Don't jump into anything you are going to regret, and hopefully he will do the same. Even if you think someone comes along thats much better, that much better might only last for a month, until you know the REAL person, anyone else would seem great especially if your love life died down like you said. But it will just lead to more pain on both ends. trust me, this just happened to my best friend. Hopefully you will both learn to be independent, obviously him most. You dont want to be a mom in a relationship, you want a lover and a friend. and if someday you feel like calling him, go for it. see what happens. But like I said, something was good there, sometimes things get derailed. Sometimes its a period in ones life when its hard to be focused on being romantic and respectful. just "play" it smart. Both of you need to be alone/space. You never know what may happen.
imperialpilotx Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 no offense, the stained clothes thing sounds a bit shallow.. but it seems when you are miserable with someone.. even trivial things like that bother you. this kind of hit home... hard sounds just like my now former relationship.. kinda The sad things is, it took me being broken up with to realize the negative things. But I am changing, not for her, but to better myself. On the guys end it feels soooo s***ty.. like we slipped at the last minute, and could have kept the romance alive but didnt, and now it may be too late. You really just need to get away.. if hes not effected enough to change.. i dunno stay away for good ? I got like that with my GF, and I regret every minute of it. I just wish it could refresh and I could be good to her all over again. opinions.. everyone on here has em i guess, some from experience some not. Alot of people are going to say move on, and that nothing will ever change. To me thats just plain bulls***, and an easy way out, but not the only way. Although it seems like its "harder" to accept your losses sometimes its not the best way. because you may be searching for years until you find someone even AS compatible as him, let alone alot better for you. People act like on here, that you can just leave someone and you will automatically find the right person. Nope. this is reality. with near 7 billion people in the world.. lets say 40% if male.. Ok so thats 3 billion men in the world, but thats also 3 billion DIFFERENT MEN. There are many out there that would work but think about how many you might come accross that wont.. But you may find yourself finding the little things in them and break it off. I say try it for a while.. breaking up I mean. You know that a break will just devastate him, as he is already very dependent on you. So just get away.. be alone. IF you start to see change in him, and start talking to him, your feelings may change again, just dont get his hopes up or down. Think about it, If you fell in love to be with someone for 2.5 years, there obviously were things there going for the both of you. Hearts and feelings will go back and forth. I dont care what anyone on here says really, its psychology. I say leave him, but not as a dead-beat, but to let him think about it, hurt about it, and let him find what to do to be more independent. When you start to miss him, then see where your heart is. This is so like my situation its not even funny. But im a guy in his situation, I obviously have no idea what she is thinking all together, but I know what I have done. IF he is still the same, then move on, and let him move on. But let me guess the romance kind of died ? People on here might say people don't "change" well that is a biological phenomenom then, because you change every day. You grow mentally, and until a certain point physically. But you are always aging. Try and break it off, talk to him the best you can about it.. if he starts bugging you just still try to shake him off until he "understands". Then go from there. Don't jump into anything you are going to regret, and hopefully he will do the same. Even if you think someone comes along thats much better, that much better might only last for a month, until you know the REAL person, anyone else would seem great especially if your love life died down like you said. But it will just lead to more pain on both ends. trust me, this just happened to my best friend. Hopefully you will both learn to be independent, obviously him most. You dont want to be a mom in a relationship, you want a lover and a friend. and if someday you feel like calling him, go for it. see what happens. But like I said, something was good there, sometimes things get derailed. Sometimes its a period in ones life when its hard to be focused on being romantic and respectful. just "play" it smart. Both of you need to be alone/space. You never know what may happen. "no one ever died of a heartbreak" actually, heartbreak=stress, stress kills everyday. There are known cases of Chimpanzes and other primates dying after heartbreak.. they lose a mother/companion. The reason you dont see too many humans die really from "heartbreak" is because of all of the BS distractions our society has.. mall, cable television, computers, porn shops, public access.. etc. But when you cut through the Bulls***, its really there. Some people dont understand love.
RealBroken Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 OK from experience of my own this is what u need to do maybe; Women leave claiming they have tried and HAVE talked about the problems. The guy however has NO IDEA. You cannot be INDIRECT with a guy or HINT or have SMALLTALK about problems to a guy,.... he wont see the issue. U need to sit him down,..... tell him....yes TELL HIM... you are thinking of ending it all...... unless this can be solved,..... and that the magic comes back. Without him knowing this seriousness of the situation nothing will change !!! He'll be upset but its called tough love. Maybe after this you need a week apart etc, and try again. If hwe thinks ur worth it he'll change. HOWEVER, if you dont want this then move out. You may have answered your own question. That u want it to be over. However, the fact that you are asking on this thread tells me your mind is not made up. The decision is up to you. Maybe it could be how it was again. Maybe it cant be. A little trip somewhere together can also relight the magic like a charm. Take time away,..... or time together.....in a different environment.
imperialpilotx Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 wow.. i wish i heard from you sooner. because she didnt really "try". or explain.
Lost1616 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 "Women leave claiming they have tried and HAVE talked about the problems. The guy however has NO IDEA. You cannot be INDIRECT with a guy or HINT or have SMALLTALK about problems to a guy,.... he wont see the issue. U need to sit him down,..... tell him....yes TELL HIM... you are thinking of ending it all...... unless this can be solved,..... and that the magic comes back. Without him knowing this seriousness of the situation nothing will change !!! He'll be upset but its called tough love." Realbroken has hit the nail on the head here! I think that just about every guy following this post will agree that you owe it to him to attempt the talk.
The slayer Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 ...the thing is people arn't always able to hear what they don't want to listen too. I DID tll my ex on several occasions over the course of two years that he was making me feel very unhappy and that I would leave him if the dynamic in the realationship didn't change. He always said that he could see exactly why I wanted to leave hime and didn't blame me. Stillnothing changed, an when after two years of warning I did leave it came as a complete suprise. I posted about communication in breaking up on Divers analyzing the past thread don't know how to set up a link but real broken and imperial it might be worth a read. Interesting accidental spelling mistake in the title there!
RealBroken Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I had great communication in my relationship. In fact I communicated more than she did by a long shot. If something got to me about her, i would wait for a good time and chat about it. problem is she'd always get miserable over it and say things like "why are u even with me, im horrible" She'd blow it all up and i'd need to calm her down. Any problem she had, she'd mumble in passing or "CASUALLY" mention it. if a problem is a problem.....make it like one. SIT DOWN and TALK ABOUT IT. AND TOO THE POINT. Guys wont read between your lines. We communicate differently
RealBroken Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Here is an example of how communication goes wrong between the female and male species; Husband and wife driving on a long trip..... Wife says, "hey honey" "do you feel like a coffee?" Husband thinks "oh that was nice of her to ask" but says "no thankyou, i'm not really thirsty" NEXT THING you know, husband is getting an hour long silent treatment from the wife!!! He HAS NO BLOODY IDEA WHAT HE'S DONE WRONG. !!!! This was a females way of telling him SHE wanted a coffee.... yes SHE wanted a coffee!!! Males dont hear this. Seriously, and until i learnt this stuff i didnt either. Females talk in an INDIRECT language. males takl in a DIRECT language. If the wife wanted to get the message across to the husband that she wanted a coffee she needed tosay "hey honey, i quite feel like a coffee".........then he would have pulled over. This is just one example of how our communication is different.
Confused Kay Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I can relate to your story since I am going through the same thing right now. My guy doesn't wear stained shirts though. And we’re married and have been for 9 months. I agree that in order for a guy to fully understand you have to sit him down and tell him EVERYTHING you are feeling. Don't think about HIS feelings while doing this because it will only cause you to leave things out that you know will hurt him. It's only fair that he knows what you are thinking so he has a fair chance to react. I took this step a few nights ago with my husband by writing him a 4 page letter describing everything I felt WE needed to change in order for it to work. While reading this post it really hit home for me when Lost1616 said: "Yeh exactly, it does seem like you have already made up your mind. But just before you make that final decision ask yourself this... If those problems you have stated went away and he did a complete 180 and sparked things back up, would you be more attracted to him?" I think your answer to this question has a lot to do with the future of the relationship and where it is going to go. Attracted may not be the right word there though - ask yourself if he did a 180 would you honestly be willing to make it work. In my case I still love my husband so it's a little harder for me to leave since I still see that "chance" it might work. In your case if there is no love, and seems like there hasn't been for some time, then maybe you've already convinced your heart that he's not the one. If this is the case it's only fair to tell him and let him go. Do you not want to try anymore because you feel you’ve done all that you can and he hasn’t reacted to it? Or are you at this point because you don’t feel he is willing to change for you? You can’t force a guy to change if you put pressure on him. In order to make him see the changes you want in your relationship you have to show him the benefits of making that change together. If he sees no benefit (to both of you not just YOU) then he won’t be willing to try. If he knows his habits are driving you crazy and is unwilling to attempt to work on them then he is disrespecting you by not taking your feelings into consideration. What ever decision you make do it because YOU want to. It may sound selfish but you shouldn’t be thinking only about HIS feelings here. You are hurting your own feelings by staying in a loveless relationship rather than hurting his feelings by leaving. This isn’t right. You need to have more self respect and the courage to do what makes YOU happy. Good luck!
Outcast Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Have you taken him to a physician? When people stop taking care of themselves, it often means they're depressed. Maybe he's depressed because of not working? Before you give up on him entirely, see if there's something wrong that's fixable. Even if you still plan to leave, don't leave him in that state without at least getting him to a doctor. It sounds like he needs help.
rkman Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Have you taken him to a physician? When people stop taking care of themselves, it often means they're depressed. Maybe he's depressed because of not working? Before you give up on him entirely, see if there's something wrong that's fixable. Even if you still plan to leave, don't leave him in that state without at least getting him to a doctor. It sounds like he needs help. I agree with this approach. I've been there. Don't tell him to go, take his arm and drag him there. HE will be happy you did. Sometimes, it's 50/50 other short spurts we need to carry our partners just a few steps. Sometimes we think we are carrying them, but there is a difference between looking out for ourselves and looking out completely for other people.
Walk Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 My last relationship I felt the same way. And I DID talk to him over and over and over about what I was having problems with. Point blank explained what I was unhappy with. I was not vague, nor unclear on anything. Nothing ever changed. I left finally and he hounded me for over a year. Refused to sign the divorce decree. Went out of his way to bash me to everyone. I paid his mortgage for 6 months, which cost over $600 a month, while I rented a room in a house with strangers. I did everything in my power to make the break as easy for him as possible because I felt bad about hurting him. It only made it worse. You're feeling guilty because you don't want to hurt him. That's fine. It's normal. But this isn't about him. This is about what is best for you, and what you want in your life. At this time, you don't need the added burden of a bf who will use you to support him. You aren't his mother. You don't owe him anything. You gave past what you were getting out of the relationship. You no longer owe him anything. If he were a real Man, he would never have allowed you to support him for so long. Wouldn't have burdened you to the point that you were feeling taken advantage of all the time. Not being abusive does not constitute a good realtionship. What you're describing is someone who takes advantage of you, and then realizes his cash cow is leaving, so he begs you to stay. He's not happy with you, but he doesn't want your money to leave. Please, make it sweet and short. It'll be incredibly painful to you for a short while, you'll feel guilty about it. But this is the step you need to take in order to find a happier life. Life isn't easy, but you have to take responsibility for how you feel, and if something is not working then it needs to be changed. Since you're past the point of caring about the relationship, then end it. You'll be doing both of you a favor by being the responsible person in this. Neither of you are happy... he's just not being man enough to support himself so he guilts you into staying. Don't buy into it. It's best for both of you to end this relationship, and allow both of you to find someone you will be truly happy with.
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