UnknowingOW Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 This feels like the hardest day of my life. But it had to happen. Too much has occurred...to much emotion and and one HUGE deception. I finally told him NC. That I cannot do this... It is not who I am. I didn't give any leads or what if's of a future in case he leaves her. I just said, no more contact. Dear God, Keep me strong because I really need it right now. No lying to myself that I can continue talking to him and things will be ok...they won't...he is married and I won't be his mistress or cyberfling. Thankfully the physical side happened only once and I did not know he was married. But after finding out we have continued sexually online which, in my thoughts, are equally as bad as actually committing the act itself. And neither of us was willing to stop until I finally said get of the emotional roller coaster today. It really is a fantasy, and a unhealthy one at that...wanting something you cannot have. Give me strength and support...I really need it. I don't want to be one who dances along this line with him. He's got a wife for that.
Walking away Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 For whatever it is worth, I am very proud of you. I found myself in the same shoes as you not too long ago. It is a tough thing to do. I understand. More than you will ever know. The pain will be there, but there is hope for you. I do not feel that pain any longer. You are doing the right thing for yourself. And for him. Only heartache and pain would continue if you continued this relationship any further. I, too, was the unknowing OW. It wasn't me either. I never wanted to be his other woman but found myself just that. I deserved so much more than that. As do you. I will pray for strength for you. You will come out of this victorious. Peace to you, my friend. WA
dontbfooled Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 You can do this. You have everyone's support. And God will help see you through this and give you the strength that you need. You are on the right path now... keep it up. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
yesmaybe Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 take it one day at a time. And, I've done NC before, it DOES get easier with time. The first 2 weeks are hardest. After a while, it becomes a habit. Keep busy. Date other people. I did that during my previous NC, and it helped so much, making things easier.
RealityCheck Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 take it one day at a time. And, I've done NC before, it DOES get easier with time. The first 2 weeks are hardest. After a while, it becomes a habit. Keep busy. Date other people. I did that during my previous NC, and it helped so much, making things easier. Isn't this the truth! Especially, keep busy! The more you put into yourself the less you think of the MM. When I went NC, I was a busy bee! Kids, career all the other stuff in between. In addition to daily responsibilities, I don't think I've ever been in better shape in my life! I've always been one to exercise regularly, but I put more time and effort into exercising during NC. I never wanted to give myself time to think about my MM. It really helped.
eyeswideshut Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Good for you! I am jealous now! I want to do that, it's the step i am skating around. At least you can say you DID it!!! I believe this step must be the hardest. Keep a log, keep a log on LS, call it, Day 1, Day 2, Day 3 NC. Maybe others can join! In order to feel better, help others, (like us those of us who can't do NC!) At least you are one step closer to healing than all us Contacters. I tried to work up the courage this week. Was feeling really strong. Then he emailed at 3am explaining this nightmare he had about his brother's death. How can I ignore that? How can I initiate NC when I know his issues are greater than mine? How can I be callous and say something like: let your wife deal with that. I mean, when I know he isn't that close to her anymore. And I know he isn't close to anyone like he was with his brother? how'd you do it? by phone, face to face? Can you shed some light on this? We are a community here, some are at different steps. you are at least on the right side of the track now. Congrats to you!!! At least you are not feeding emptiness into your soul.
movinon05 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I have faith in you. I know you can do this. And you have to believe in yourself. I am doing it as well. My heart is with you on this one. ((Hugs))
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 MM back in West TN this week...this is where they live I'm, thankfully 500-miles East and never have to face him again. Although I'm sure many of you know, deep inside I would love to be facing him...sad but true. Anyway, all weekend long I keep saying to myself...he's finally gone back to his W. We chatted online Mon and Tue, and Tue night it got sexual again. Enough that he almost called, but thankfully he didn't. He was offline most of today, and I finaly said, I cannot do this. I wrote the email many times over...debated on sending at least 100 times, had my best friend read it who said "only ask him what happened" But, ultimately I just did it...just sent the letter. I told him I thought he was trying to distance himself or walk away, and I understood. I said, I had a feeling you finally went back home to your W after a 6-month separation. I want you to be happy and make a go of your marriage. Find the solutions to you and your issues. I need distance from you because my head is a mess...swirling thoughts, no foundation, no promises, blah, blah, blah. I ending by saying I only wanted to do what was best for both of us. I told him I loved him dearly and this is the hardest thing I would ever do in my life because (No One Had Treated Me As Good As He Had) Why is this statement the moto of OWs? (This of course this could address the fact that I''ve had pretty crappy realtionships...lol) He responded as we all know "HE" would. Basically staying that was working alot, which I knew...we are both under tight schedules. He wasn't trying to upset me. Which I wasn't upset. That he was still living outside the martial residence. That he understood if I needed to distance myself (and in his added words) "for the time being." That he did not want to lose having our conversations. And then stated, this is not what I want. H It's weird. Why is it that my last 4-LTR (including spouse) were unable to committ? 1. ExH...bi-sexual and I had to leave or could have died. 2. Boy-toy 9-years younger, loved me but was available for me emotionally. 3. X Fiancee..committment phobe from hell...what a push-pull relationship that was...NEVER get involved with a never married man over 40...they are seriously nuts, and will take you with them down the road of completely unfilled promises. And try to get you back with "but my counselor said' Yeah, your counselor said "You have never made an effort..." sorry, this still burns me. 4. MM who I thought was perfect in every way for 5-years until I found out he was never divorced a few weeks ago. ERRR...What The... am I doing wrong? No tears today thankfully. I think I will do some housekeeping tomorrow...delete, delete, delete from emails, Treo, home phone...just need to clean house. And, does it hurt...my heart has been ripped out and served on a sterling sliver platter for all to view and say...yes, she died of a broken heart.
eyeswideshut Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Unknowing... Don't despair. Cleaning the house will be most therapeutical. Throw out everything. And start anew. Read: Zen and the Art of Falling in Love, or send me your address and I will gladly send it out to you. There is much joy in nourishing your soul. you are at the beginning. Letting go of toxic wastes (an empty relationship) will make you more fulfilled, you will see this in time. Take comfort in the fact that you are no longer spinning round and round. You are moving in the right direction now. Buy yourself two red or pink roses and place it in the southeast corner or your bedroom. And let go of the "toxic love" you were feeding off of. Write down who you are and who you stand for and what you want out of life. Everytime I did it, it happened to me. 8 years ago, I wished for a soulmate. I got him. I changed my mind, and changed direction. Then I wished for someone just like me... Got it... I got a total commitment phobe. Then I questioned: why do I always get these *@$@#!!! I got them because I attracted them because that was the lesson i was meant to learn. Relationships are put into our path so that we better understand who we are and what we want. You learnt a lot. Now move forward and answer some questions about yourself and what you want and what you are ready for... When it will be clear in your mind (if it's not clear, meditate, you will find the clarity in this) ask, and you will receive... Believe in yourself, because no one in this world can do it for you. Love EWS
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 Your words of encourgement are greatly appreciated. I've read some of your past post...and you all are amazing. Such strength, dignity...truly wonderful qualities. Funny thing is it's like everyone says...he has not stop contacting me. This am I had him on ignore, and sure enough PING..."hi SL, will be really busy all day. Will chat more later...love you" At first my heart jumped and then it slide back into this unknown cloud of stuff. Why don't they take it seriously? I know he's separated, but he needs to make up his mind and not pull me into his mess.
Walking away Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 My xMM continues to contact me from time to time. I think it is just as hard for them to let go as it is for us. It may be especially hard for them to let go when WE are the ones who initiated the NC forever. And, let's face it. The romance and the love were incredible. Probably unmatched by another in this life. They know this too. Of course it is hard for them. They are human also. But, these relationships are toxic to us. They drag us down and keep us in a living hell until we can't take the pain any longer. Remember....love shouldn't be this hard. Prepare for occasional contact. It is inevitable, I think. With me, I rarely respond. He is getting the message. We're THROUGH. In spite of the love and affection that he showered on me, I couldn't stay any longer. The affair was literally KILLING me. I had to get out to save myself. We weren't meant to be. God has something better for me. I am sure of it. As he does for all of us. Hugs WA
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 My xMM continues to contact me from time to time. I think it is just as hard for them to let go as it is for us. It may be especially hard for them to let go when WE are the ones who initiated the NC forever. And, let's face it. The romance and the love were incredible. Probably unmatched by another in this life. They know this too. Of course it is hard for them. They are human also. But, these relationships are toxic to us. They drag us down and keep us in a living hell until we can't take the pain any longer. Remember....love shouldn't be this hard. Prepare for occasional contact. It is inevitable, I think. With me, I rarely respond. He is getting the message. We're THROUGH. In spite of the love and affection that he showered on me, I couldn't stay any longer. The affair was literally KILLING me. I had to get out to save myself. We weren't meant to be. God has something better for me. I am sure of it. As he does for all of us. Hugs WA WA, Thank you. I do think it's hard on him. He's never stepped out on his W of 36+years until now. He was with me 5-years ago when we dated and were intimate but never giving ourselves completely...our choice (recently revealed at the time we met they had been separated for 2-years). 6-months later we were together, intimate, and he put the on the brakes quoting (age...BS to that statement now), but he did cry and he's not one to cry, He kept stating over and over, if I am with you once I will want to never let you go. Forward 3 years, he was with me last year when he came to my home again intimate but never completely..my choice. (I don't want to know why this happened), and then last month were I finally decided it was time...I had waited 5-years and he finally realized I loved him unconditionally. And I realized he was finally over our age difference. He's torn between her, me and himself. He never spoken unkindly of her, but he has vented about how terrible the relationship has been for years since d-day. And that he's been trying to decide for to do for years...meaning he moves out frequently for long periods of time, but always goes back. He's told me he "thought" he could break away from her...I don't believe him. He's lied once and I'm sure he has no idea of what he is going to do. I don't want to know anything about her then I already know. I don't even want to know what she looks like...is that bad? How can a man vacilate between leaving and not leaving for almost 6-years? I would have gone nuts if I were her by now. Maybe she has but has too much invested to walk...who knows. I asked him last week if he was happy. I is very closed with his feelings, and I've always respected that. He replied. I cannot say I am happy, but I am ok. Then responded, I am happy when I am with you. Today has been awful. Thankfully I was on a con-call with Europe for a good part of morning, and of course I can only pickup half of what is being said in French and Flemish. The another con-call in the US regarding another project. This is so hard when you work from home...it's times like this I wish I was traveling, but not heading out for a 1.5 weeks. I wanted so many times just to write him a message like we alway do. Tell him how my day is going and that I was thinking of him...he has been quite since the am, which I am thankful. But, I could bet money that I will have a ping before the end of the evening saying how much he misses me how he "needs" me, blah, blah, blah. F' this stuff. I'm so tried of being the only one in a relationship. I just have to keep it in my head that I deserve to be #1 in someones life who can be 100% honest, and actually have normal dates...not this whole me schedule, your schedule relationship. This is EXACTLY like my ex F and valicating between should I marry her or not? I finally got sick and walked away, stayed friends, and told him many times the engagement was off...funny, he never believed me. Sorry for the long run on with different topics. I think I'm going to the pool for a few hours. This time I WON'T drink the (2) 48oz Pina Coldas like I did last Sat when I was feeling so freakin' sorry for myself. This time...i'll enjoy the sun, the dogs barking, the warm water...I'll enjoy being with me.
zarathustra Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Sorry for the long run on with different topics. I think I'm going to the pool for a few hours. This time I WON'T drink the (2) 48oz Pina Coldas like I did last Sat when I was feeling so freakin' sorry for myself. This time...i'll enjoy the sun, the dogs barking, the warm water...I'll enjoy being with me. Have fun! I hear your pain and feel it too. xMM and I are back on day 1 of NC. Maybe this time it will work. I feel like my heart is twisted again. That the void and hole that was there when we split up is still there. It doesn't help that he loves me, but can't be with me. No... it doesn't. It doesn't help that I love him too but I cannot be with him because I have to do what is right by my H and give our M another shot. Life is such a mystery. I hate surprises.
Walking away Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Zara, That is what is so difficult about ending these relationships. It doesn't end because one person falls "out of love" with the other. It is two people walking away from each other with the loving feelings STILL INTACT. And it takes almost heroic strength to maintain NC due to that fact. It is VERY difficult to walk away from someone you love WHO LOVES YOU IN RETURN. But walk we must do. These relationships are toxic to us. They infect our lives and our souls. They leave us with carnage and devastation.... I wish things could have been different with my MM and I. He e-mailed me last week that he is STILL in love with me and still amazed by me. It is very sad....but there is NOTHING I can do. Except continue on. Life is a mystery. I agree. I must believe for all of us there is more out there. Love shouldn't hurt the way that our loves have hurt us. It is a very, very sad thing....but what else do we do? We pick up the pieces and move on....and if they want us someday when they are FREE, they know where to find us. People have been known to literally go to the ends of the earth for those they love.... I want a man who will do that for me. I'm worth it. We all are.
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 That is what is so difficult about ending these relationships. It doesn't end because one person falls "out of love" with the other. It is two people walking away from each other with the loving feelings STILL INTACT. And it takes almost heroic strength to maintain NC due to that fact. It is VERY difficult to walk away from someone you love WHO LOVES YOU IN RETURN. But walk we must do. These relationships are toxic to us. They infect our lives and our souls. They leave us with carnage and devastation.... People have been known to literally go to the ends of the earth for those they love.... I want a man who will do that for me. I'm worth it. We all are. How did you become so wise? You are absolutely correct in all you just stated. And I am worth it. And I've already broken down and responded to an email. Kept it very high-level work related stuff...damn, I'm mad at myself now. All afternoon while laying out in the pool I kept thinking (and getting more tan...haha)....you know J would really enjoy doing this...we met in a swimming pool at our apartment complex. This is AWFUL. Why did he have to be married??? Why did he lie??? What did I finally give in after all those years of maintaining distance so he couldn't hurt me with the age issue again? I flirted, yes, but I always said laughed off to the "getting together" because I thought it would never happen since he is so damn stubborn. There are no answers...that's what I have to keep telling myself.
Walking away Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 If I had a dollar every time I broke NC, well, I'd be a very rich woman. It is excruciatingly hard. I lived it. But, here's the thing: I got to the point that the pleasure wasn't worth the pain. It was incredible. The extreme ups and downs. And I know you know what I am talking about. This man was a dream come true for me. Everyone adored him. He adored me. He was everything I was looking for even though I wasn't even looking when he found me. And then my world came crashing down when he admitted that he was married. The devastation and pain was incredible. I started NC, he started NC, we both broke it. It was incredible. Then SHE found out. He still continued contact. It would have never ended. A merry go round of horror for me until I got off. And, I didn't get out of this relationship until I was ready. Many starts and stops for me. But, I got here. I got strong again, and got myself back in the process. I still think about him. I would be made of ice if I didn't. But, I don't hurt anymore. I miss him from time to time, but I don't miss the pain. And I will never go back to that. He told me last week in an e-mail that he hopes for a beautiful reunion someday. I am not holding my breath. I am too special, AS ARE YOU, to sit around and wait for him. Life is too short. You must live each day as if it is your last. For none of us knows when that day will come when He will call us home. Don't waste today or tomorrow. There is someone out there for you. Someone who will love you to distraction. Someone who will never put you aside for another. He exists. I know it. Have faith. I do. Hugs to you. WA
RealityCheck Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 WA.... You mentioned that it probably is just as hard on the MM as it is the OW when the affair comes to an end. I realize there were genuine feelings on both parts, but I would like your opinion and anyone else on this question. When there is no more contact the MM goes back to his married life because that is where he obviously chooses to be. The OW moves forward as well dealing with what I sense huge amounts of pain. Do you think the MM deals with the emotional pain as much, or something else?
Iwanttohope Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 WA.... You mentioned that it probably is just as hard on the MM as it is the OW when the affair comes to an end. I realize there were genuine feelings on both parts, but I would like your opinion and anyone else on this question. When there is no more contact the MM goes back to his married life because that is where he obviously chooses to be. The OW moves forward as well dealing with what I sense huge amounts of pain. Do you think the MM deals with the emotional pain as much, or something else? For what its worth, RC, my counselor said its a proven fact (I have no idea how they prove it) that men feel shame eight times more than women. (Oh, Lord, I dread the reaction to that statement!) Anyway, you ask a good question and I've wondered the same thing. Men seem to "put their heads down and forge ahead". It would appear that they don't hurt from the exterior signs of them...but they're human too...how is it humanly possible for them not to hurt?
RealityCheck Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 For what its worth, RC, my counselor said its a proven fact (I have no idea how they prove it) that men feel shame eight times more than women. (Oh, Lord, I dread the reaction to that statement!) *laughing* Got your back! Anyway, you ask a good question and I've wondered the same thing. Men seem to "put their heads down and forge ahead". It would appear that they don't hurt from the exterior signs of them...but they're human too...how is it humanly possible for them not to hurt? Yes, I understand they hurt. I don't know if you recall when I went NC, my MM bawled like a baby and then showed up at my door 5 months later looking guant. Pretty much a mess! I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact if they love something so damn much, why do they choose to stay and let something so real go.
Iwanttohope Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Yes, I understand they hurt. I don't know if you recall when I went NC, my MM bawled like a baby and then showed up at my door 5 months later looking guant. Pretty much a mess! I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact if they love something so damn much, why do they choose to stay and let something so real go. I know...I read your post about the five month visit...oh how I ached for you:sick: I went back the other day and read some of OE's old posts. One thing she said in one of them was "[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]But what a person wants to do and what they are capable of doing are two very different things"... and that is so true! The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak. [/FONT][/COLOR]
RealityCheck Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 I know...I read your post about the five month visit...oh how I ached for you:sick: I went back the other day and read some of OE's old posts. One thing she said in one of them was "[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]But what a person wants to do and what they are capable of doing are two very different things"... and that is so true! The spirit may be willing but the flesh is weak. [/FONT][/COLOR] WOW! Those are some wise words! Very true! Geez......
Author UnknowingOW Posted June 23, 2006 Author Posted June 23, 2006 For what its worth, RC, my counselor said its a proven fact (I have no idea how they prove it) that men feel shame eight times more than women. (Oh, Lord, I dread the reaction to that statement!) Anyway, you ask a good question and I've wondered the same thing. Men seem to "put their heads down and forge ahead". It would appear that they don't hurt from the exterior signs of them...but they're human too...how is it humanly possible for them not to hurt? I know for a fact he's hurt and in shame. This has happened a few times in our history. The night he back away from me 4-years ago he cried and cried...hell, I cried. He was so lost he could not talk or email me for weeks. On D-Day, he was sick. Sick that I was hurt. Sick that he hurt me. Sick that I could and probably would walk away. He became so quite, and then he cried...it was so sad...my heart went out to him. Even as upset as I was for finding out he is married I couldn't take him crying. He is not a man that cries. He's in complete control of his emotions with everything, but this set him off the edge. Over the last few weeks when I've told him I thought I should leave his life. He kept responding NO many times. Even in NC email, he stated this is not what he wants. Right now his in shame mode I am thinking. He's hiding in his work so he doesn't think about what is happening in his personal life between his W and me. That much I do know about him. Honestly ladies, I don't know what he wants, and he won't come out and tell me. I cannot sit around and wait....I did that for YEARS with my Ex F the CP (commitment phobic nut!).
Walking away Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 WA.... You mentioned that it probably is just as hard on the MM as it is the OW when the affair comes to an end. I realize there were genuine feelings on both parts, but I would like your opinion and anyone else on this question. When there is no more contact the MM goes back to his married life because that is where he obviously chooses to be. The OW moves forward as well dealing with what I sense huge amounts of pain. Do you think the MM deals with the emotional pain as much, or something else? I cannot speak for all MM, but my MM has refered to his choice as "bondage." Yes, it is a bondage that he has chosen, but he feels trapped in a situation where he sees no way out. Now, I disagree with his thinking. There is ALWAYS a way out if you want out badly enough. But, I sense that he is trying his best to purge me from his heart and soul. Lord only knows that I have done the same. I have no doubt that IF they really cared/care for us, they are struggling as we have. It is impossible to shut off feelings quickly if there is true and lasting love. My MM said so much in his last e-mail. He can't unlove me. Like I said, it is very, very sad. Right love, wrong time. But, to answer your question....Yes, I think they hurt like we do, but they must hide it. How would they explain their grief to their families? Yes, they suffer a special kind of pain, too. We have each other to talk to. Who do they have? My MM has said that he has NO ONE. I believe him. And pity him.
Iwanttohope Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 There is ALWAYS a way out if you want out badly enough. Who do they have? My MM has said that he has NO ONE. I believe him. And pity him. Amen sister! There IS always a way out irregardless of the obstacles. I wish I were to the full-on pity stage. I vascilate between feeling sorry for him that he has no one to talk to and pity...then I remember...oh yeah...he made the choice to have no one to talk to
Walking away Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 You are absolutely right. He made his choice. And he has no one to blame but himself if he loses the love of his life. You snooze, you lose. Period.
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