insomnie Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Hi you all! I've been on here in the past to complain and seek advice about my relationship. Well, I am back, this time with an even more complicated, if subtle, problem. My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago, saying he "just wasn't happy." I started no contact and after 2 weeks he began pursuing me, saying he still loved me but that basically he didn't know how to talk to me. Well, we talked, and it seemed everything was ok....for about 2 weeks. Then he started distancing himself again, and I started feeling inseure. We've been togehter for two years now and....I just felt like he never wanted me around. Instead of being my best friend and safe place, I was always on edge because I was afraid one wrong move on my part would send him running, since he didn't seem that into me in the first place. Well, I initiated a conversation, and he told me again that he wasn't happy. I prodded further. Why did he get back together with me? Did he want to be in a relationship at all? He said he was confused and basically broke up with me again. I broke down and begged, saying we could work whatever it was out. He relented, saying he wanted to "date" again. Well, it's been a week, and we haven't really dated. We went out to lunch on one occasion, there was no touching and afterward he dropped me off. On another I picked him up to get cookies from a place near his apartment and instead of inviting me in we hung out in the parking lot. It was good to see him and I was incredibly attracted ot him...but is this all I want? I feel like with him I will always be wanting more, always looking forward to bonding time, emotional support, etc., and never getting it. That was a big problem of ours - he never wanted to spend quality time wiht me. Or any time, recently, for that matter. I want to move forward and he wants to move backwards. So my question is, how do I proceed? I love him and I want so badly for this to work. He says he isn't interested in other people, but I feel like he isn't interested in me, either. SHould I try to rekindle the friendship? Go no contact route? Demand assurances of love and commitment from him, or be easy-going and non-chalant? Should I let this go, or keep working? It's just hard to keep working when I feel like I'm never going to spend more than half an hour alone with him, and he runs at the hint of any "where are we going" conversation... I've asked myself why I want to be with him at all, and I guess the answer is that when it's good, it's very good, and he has a lot of qualities I really like. (Plus, there's the whole love thing...) Please give me advice!
Walk Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I think if you don't know why he's creating the distance then you won't be able to bridge it. You can spend hours/days wondering how to bring him closer, or if you want to at all, but you won't be able to unless you can resolve the underlying problem. Which he's either not saying, or honestly doesn't know. How long were the two of you dating before he broke up with you the first time? To me it sounds as if maybe your relationship got to the point where the honeymoon stage ends, the reality sets in. Unless both people have that feeling of a deeper connection, then relationships won't last. One or both partners pull away until it finally breaks apart. I guess what I'm saying is unless he knows where the problem stems from, and can communicate that in some way to you, then any chance of "fixing" the relationship is gone. It doesn't sound as if you've been happy in this relationship for quite a while now, and that you're basic needs aren't getting met. If you see that as an overall theme (which it sounded like in your thread since you've felt the relationship was tenuous most times) I would suggest you take the higher road and end the relationship for good this time. He doesn't seem to want to take that final step, but he doesn't seem to have the desire to want to make the relationship a success. The one thing I've learned in my life, one person can't make a relationship work. If he isn't willing to work at it (more than just showing up), then there isn't anything you can do to make the relationship as strong as it needs to be.
Author insomnie Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks for replying walk, I think your dissection is spot-on! Honestly he doens't seem interested in making it work. He priorities everything ahead of me - school, his family, video gaming, his friends, sleep.... And he won't even move one inch to meet MY needs. Every time I bring up how I am not getting something, he just says "I'm unhappy and you're putting pressure on me and I don't want this. I would want you a lot more if you didn't do that." Basically he just wants things to be light and easy, no pressure and commitment, like they are at the beginning stages- but we've been togehter 2 years and I don't *want* to just see him occasionally for fun. I want him to be there for me, emotionally, physically. I want him to be my family. I love him so much. Is it possible to take things light and easy for a change, though, to *date*, and then have things move to where I want? If i stick around under his conditions, will he ever come around to mine? Should I wait? (we've been together 2 years, are in our very early twenties)
Recommended Posts