bigmess Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 So Here goes my story, I really need help... I met a boy about 4+ years ago, through a friend, while I was still with my ex, and he was still going through a break up. Shortly after we met, my ex cheated on me, and I became single. New boy and I sort of kept each other on our minds, hung out a few times, but didn't really start dating for a god 10 months later. Things were amazing, we had a great relationship for a few months, until I was staying at his place one night, and had to borrow socks and found a bar napkin with a girls phone number on it. I confront him, he was drink, whatever. A few months later, he goes to chicago with his guy friends, I am not invited, and when he comes back the next day I needed to borrow his phone to call mine and get my messages since mine was dead, so I just hit "send" and some other girls name comes up as the last number he dialed. When I ask him who that was he proceeded to lie, and said he didn't know. Ok now I start getting suspicious, so I am on his computer a few weeks later, and look, i see in his email a message from her...Now we start with the mistrust issues. We try to work through it because deep down i trust him, but maybe I am being paranoid because of my past, but maybe I reall have a reason, all this stuff you know. Now about a year into our relationship, he gets a job offer in another state, he will be out of town mon-thurs,by the way i work thurs-sat nights...huge problem for me. But He promises only for a year, year and a half tops. A year later, I decide for my career I need to move across the country. He comes with me. Never has he lived outside of his home state before in his life. two years later, he is still working and gone 4 out of 7 days a week, and he is beginning to tell me that he is depressed, and doesn't know what he wants out of life, and he can't figure out what makes him happy. Now on a few occasions we have discussed the fact that I dont like him bumping and grinding with other girls on the dance floor, I dont do it with other guys, and I don't like him doing it. Once with a group of friends in Vegas about 5 months ago, I go to the bathroom, come out and he is bumpng and grinding on the dancefloor with some random girl. I blow up, throw a fit, he knows I dont like it, I want to break up with him because I feel like he slapped in the face, but dont. 3 months ago he goes on a trip to Miami, wth his boys, I am not invited, When he gets back i ask him if he was bumping and grinding with other girls, he says yes. I break up with him, and By this point my trust has worn completely thin. He is drop dead gorgeous, the most handsome man, and no I am not too bad myself, but insecure because of all this. I move out. In the last month started dating another guy, he knows, I am honest, but I only want him, not to mention the other guy is weird, but I am very attracted to him, but I guess it has been a long time and I am not used to all these dating games, nor do I like them. I want a future with only my ex, but he needs to figure out what he wants in life, and I cant hold his hand through it... Wow this is really long, I hope some people read through this, I need help! So we have been broken up for almost 4 months now, but recently we have been hanging out again, now we have all the same core friends as we moved out here together, so it is virtually impossible to not see each other, we play on a coed softball league together, he is the coach and I am the pitcher, we are both necessary. I do not know what to do, I know I need to give him space, but he says he feels empty without me, he felt like he was too restricted with me, and he thought he may be needed space without me, but now he sees that wasnt it, but My trust is gone...oh I forgot to mention shortly after we broke up, like a month later he told me he was going to go home for a few weekends, then he called me to tell me he was actually in the Czec republic, because he went to europe to try to "find himself" and he was visiting a girl that he had met during that miami trip...he claims nothing happened, and he didnt go to visit her...but it kills me, trust is gone...even though he is trying to earn it back, constantly telling me he loves, me and i am the girl of his dreams, and all this...but... Now he is the most amazing, supportive, loving man in the world, but he has torn apart my trust, and I don't know what to do... broken hearted and miserable...I need advice
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 The most amazing, supportive, loving man in the world does not cheat. He was in a relationship with you that was obviously serious and he was deliberately going out and picking up other girls. I'm so sorry this has happened. But to my thinking, the man you are in love with does not exist. You are in love with how you want him to be, not with who he actually is. I know how it is to be blinded by a gorgeous guy, and it's amazing what we'll put up with. You said yourself you're an attractive woman. My advice is to stop seeing this guy. He will not change. If you get involved with him again, he will continue to cheat. You deserve someone who recognizes how valuable and wonderful you are, not someone always on the lookout for something better. I say go cold turkey, as hard as that is, stop seeing him entirely and concentrate on YOU for a while. Someone wonderful will show up when you least expect it, and you'll wonder what you ever saw in this guy.
scrybe74 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I disagree....I'm all about telling people to move on (see my other posts) but it's not for certain that this guy cheated. It sounds like he's guilty of having 'commitment anxiety' and maybe he did a few dumb and disrespectful things but I think the relationship might be worth saving. On the other hand he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he feels controlled and restricted and you probably don't want to be in a relationship where you have to snoop after him all the time. Perhaps you guys can start dating again but don't move in together right away. date for a year or so until you feel sure about it again and he feels like he's ready for a real commitment. Give each other some space. Take it slow with your emotions. He needs to win your trust back over time but don't necessarily have him on a dog leash because he'll just play the role to make you happy. Give him space and see what he does. If he messes up again or you just can't shake your suspicions THEN move on. Bottom line is that this guy may deserve a second chance but unlike the first time your heart won't be given to him.....he'll earn it.
catgirl1927 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Only you know what you should do. I think that intent is important in cheating, just because he didn't successfully close the deal doesn't mean he wouldn't have. But there are different opinions, consider them all first.
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