ithurts Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Hi all, I came here because I did not no where else to go. My wife and I will have been married 5 years in August. During this time we have had our ups and downs but lately its been a whole lot of downs. I am frustrated with her... I love her but I am not sure what to do anymore. She always complains about not doing anything romantic even though I plan them she cancels the plans because it does not fit in her schedule. Recently I planned a 3 day get away out of town in a nice hotel with all the bells and whistles but she made me cancel it because she had too much class work. (mind you that was after her spring semester ended and the summer session had started 3 days before our intended date to go, even though she had no classes on those days. We fight about everything...she wants to be like her friends that drive really nice cars and dress with all brand names. I am humble ... I like simple things... things that serve there utility. I do not appreciate spending a $1000 on a pocketbook and so on. She never cared for these things but she has grown increasingly materialistic. I want to save money she would rather spend... Now don't get me wrong...I know I am not taking it with me...but I refuse to get myself into debt to live a false lifestyle. A few days ago she met up with a study group for her class later in the evening at a local coffee shop. She told me she was going to study with 2 guys from her class. Now I am not the type that freaks out about this... I do get a little irritated but I trust her and I know she will check in. Well 3 hours into the study session and I had not heard from her. I called and she said she would be home in 10 mins... Well I waited for more than an hour and she was still not home... and she would not pick up her phone. When she finally did I exploded and told her that she should never leave her phone on silent. I have never met these 2 guys that she studied with so how am I supposed to know that they were not murders. She tends to be too trusting of strangers also. Last month she gave some random guy a ride 20 miles from our home. I freaked... so now she thinks that I am jealous. When she is home she does very little of her "wifely chores". I get home and her clothing is strewn all over the bedroom floor. Bed is never cleaned, heck the house is never cleaned and as for cooking ... once every 3 weeks if I am lucky. She expects me to do those chores after I return from a long day at work. While she sits in front of the TV watching MTV and that other reality crap that's there. She daydreams of traveling the world and driver expensive cars. So now to the arguments... Over the course of the marriage our arguments have become more and more evil spirited. On Monday things got out of hand, I am not sure if it was me or am I expecting to much from her. Yesterday she promised to make me a wonderful dinner and to do the house chores, normally she is busy with school and I do not demand much from her during the semester because I do not want to stress her any more than she has to be. I arrived home from work and she had not done a single chore or cooked. I found her watching MTV or something similar. I said hello and mentioned that I was hungry. She told me that she did not cook anything or do any of the household chores because she did not feel like it, and that she was feeling depressed. I told her I would heat something up. After I ate I began to do some work on my computer by her side. She then started to tell me why she did not cook, I told her it was ok and even though I was disappointed to let the issue drop. She kept on saying things and at that point I did not listen to her anymore. She became angry that I did not want to discuss the issue and picked up anything in front of her and began to throw it. I had to restrain her. I am at a point I my life where I want children, she does not. I feel that we are not partners, merely roommates. Her family is overseas so I can not talk to her mother or father to try to work things out. It just seems that we are drifting farther apart and I am ready to give up. Am I asking to much of her? Our sex life is lacking and she blames me... while I am the one who is always asking and she will make up an excuse. Over the last 5 years I have never been out later... I am home by 10pm the latest if I am out. I had forsaken my friends after I got married since I wanted to dedicate my time to our marriage. Now she keeps throwing this like she wants a divorce... Just a little while ago 2 am I remember that she asked me to get some papers for her to take to school so I did. Well then she needed to do a worksheet and I told her that I could not do it because I was tired and had to go to bed since I have to get up at 8am. And that I would help her in the AM. Now her classes do not start until 6pm so its not like she needed it ASAP. So she got upset and decided to sleep in the living room ... WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HER/ME/US. I am thinking about calling it quits but I don't thing these are things that are worth doing that over. Yet at the same time I do not want to waste time if this is going down a dead end. We have no children. I might reach out to spiritual leaders ... of the religions in the area so see what advise they can offer. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 She's rebelling, she's decided you have too much control over her and she's not going to play house servant anymore. She's frustrated with her life as she sees it. She's going to push all of your limits. She knows you freak about finances, so she's going to want to spend money. She knows you freak about her going out with guys to study, so she's going to turn off her phone and make you sweat. She's not doing her wifely chores because she knows it pisses you off if she doesn't. If you want to save your marriage what you need to do is absolutely stop trying to control her. She's telling you that you can't control her, she is an adult and she can do what she wants regardless of the consequences (or what you want). Let her do whaterver she wants, give up control. If the house looks like s***, don't say a word to her.. Pick some of the clothing up yourself. If she goes out with her friends, don't call and check up on her (she will call you if she wants). If she wants some money to blow on a purse, give it to her, thats another aspect of control you probably have over her (financial). She is rebelling plain and simple. Make it known that you don't control her and she can do whatever she wants. You might remind her that if she blows $1000 on a purse you might not be able to afford tuition though. But give her the money anyway. Act like you don't care what she does, I know this may be hard for you. Just stop stressing about her actions. Pretty soon her rebelling won't have any point if you don't react. A couple other ideas..You might look into some marriage counseling, it might help you understand where she is coming from. Also, have yo thought about telling her to get a part-time job if she wants $1000 purses? On the other hand your dealing with issues like you wanting kids and she doesn't and she has mentioned she wants a divorce. This could be your out. I mean how important is it to have a family to you? At this point your still young and can meet someone else and have a family, if she doesn't have any desire to have kids, how will that affect your lifetime relationship? Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Yes you should be in control ~ of yourself, your emotions, your life, how you re-act to her little hissy-fits. Be in-different to what she says and does ~ let her know that she doesn't have the power to push your buttons. A woman is more inclined to stay ~ if she knows she's got her own power, and her own freedom ~ anytime you try fence her in ~ she's going to buck on your everytime. Her or any other woman. She make sure she knows she has NO power over you ~ not even your emotions. The more outrageous she gets ~ like throwing things ~ smirk, snicker, laugh your azz off at her, shake your head and walk away. Let her know your the man ~ by bring a man. Let her know that you can and are willing to walk out of this relationship ~ you can stay or you can go ~ it makes no difference ~ because you've got confidence as a man. No man can control any woman ~ and the more he tries ~ the further away he drives her. She's wanting you to be HER man, and she's wanting you to be romantic ~ clearly booking a weekend away at a B&B isn't what she's talking about Dude. She's wanting and needing you to get creative and imaginative in a romantic way ~ in little ways ~ http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&isbn=0440212499&itm=1 Once you've read the paperback ~ and if you want to get to the Master Level http://www.lightyourfire.com/ Its amazing how much mileage a pack of Post-It-Notes will get you. Pick up two roses on the way home from work from the florist ~ one day when you have to get up before her and she's still asleep ~ leave a note ~ that say's "Roses Are Red ~ violets are blue ~ I'm at work, but I'm thinking about you. You've got to be pro-active ~ not re-active. You've got to be a challenge for her ~ you've got to do routine daily scheduleded maintaince. Women don't want wimps, wussy's, needy, clingy men ~ their a dime a dozen. They don't want macho, egotisical manics ~ their two dozen for a dime, three for a quarter. They want balanced men in control of themselves, that have control over themselves, self control, self discipline who are confident, self assured that don't need outside validation + are fun + a challenge to them + fun to be with, that make them laugh, feel good about themselves Link to post Share on other sites
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