Guest Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I know that you have all heard the same story many times over. But I am sinking! I have been reading here for the past week or so, and I know that the stories and replies are basically the same--but, I need to vent. I met my MM at the the start of December. He had told me that he was going through a divorce and that he had a 6 y.o. daughter. We spoke on the phone daily for a week and finally went out to dinner. We had a blast and wound up back at my house making out for hours. He works at night 4-12, and is only off Tuesday and Wed., at which point he told me are his nights with his daughter. Getting together was difficult, but we spoke on the phone for hours a night. I thought that we got to know each other better that way! Well, a month into this the shoe dropped--he was stilled married. Of course, he told me that it was all for his child--there is no relationship--no sex--no communication....the same story I'm sure every MM gives. I know I am smarter than this, I should have told him to F--off! But, I didn't! We continued to speak periodically and meet for coffee. Nothing sexual yet. Well, I went away at the end of January with girlfriends, and the phone calls started, he was very hostile about my whereabouts....I know, what concern is it of his? But I fell for it. When I got back in at the begining of Feb., it turned into a full fledged A. Sex was incredible......we were constantly together. We even went on vacation in April for a week. He constantly prclaims his love for me, tells me that he can't live without me, wants to marry me! This went on until two weeks ago. His W works outside of the home, and now that his daughter is out of school, he needs to be there at home when we were normally together. Things have been awful, I have been screaming at him constantly, and he is the same back to me. I gave him a deadline of the end of July to move out--but I can see that he is not making any moves.When I have tried to step back this week, he keeps pulling me back. I had over 20 calls from him on Thursday when I would not answer the phone. All claiming how much he loves me and how great we are together. I caved and saw him yesterday because he said we needed to talk. If only I would meet him halfway, he says. He wants to leave his house and move here. I think that is the worst thing in the world for his child, he thinks I'm overeacting and his daughter would not care because she loves him so much. Today, more of the same drama. I am actually sick! I can't function anymore..this whole A is eating me alive. I know I sound dramatic, but I am so f-in the head. I don't have a question.....I just needed to get some of this out here......I don't doubt that he loves me, I just think he is a selfish bastard! What can I do to get my sanity back. I no NC is what I will hear, but please how do I get my brain to stop spinning?
babydoll_mimi Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 When I know the answer, I'll share it w/ everyone hon!
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 From where I sit, you know what you need to do...Just somehow you need to gather the strength to do it and stick to it. Basically you gotta tell him it's over! He isn't going to leave his wife and he is an idiot for making empty promises to you, telling you sweet nothings because he has NO REAL INTENTION of leaving his marriage. I think you know this deep in your heart. My suggestion is to go talk to a therapist. To help you cope and to gain back yourself confidence. Learn how to BE in control and not let him make you feel guilty, not let him manipulate you back into his arms. You have to do this because if you don't your life is going to get harder for you.
UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Today, more of the same drama. I am actually sick! I can't function anymore..this whole A is eating me alive. I know I sound dramatic, but I am so f-in the head. I don't have a question.....I just needed to get some of this out here......I don't doubt that he loves me, I just think he is a selfish bastard! What can I do to get my sanity back. I no NC is what I will hear, but please how do I get my brain to stop spinning? Yes, the brain doesen't stop spinning, or swirling as I told my MM and began complete NC today. Of course the email came back saying..."I don't want this." But I do, and he actually said he understood me needing NC, but then he added "for a little while" to the end of the statement...lol. I come here everyday and read the thread from people. My mom think's I'm nuts for doing so. But she's never been in my situation either. It's gut wrenching how people can turn their lives upside down for this word called love. I think I'm learning about all this "stuff" as i now refer to it; but is is it really love or is it just that I am mortified to be alone. That's what I have to keep saying to myself right. Yes, M...you are alone. You've been alone for years. But your life is good...good job, great friends and family, travel all over the world. And then the point of truth...i am alone and I hate it. That would be a good thread...mm or being alone? Anyway, good luck.
norajane Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Some things that helped me to get my head to stop spinning after ending a three year EA with MM, a work colleague: - Setting some goals for what I want out of life, and then developing an outline of a plan to achieve them. Not only did that exercise kick my brain into gear, it also give me a future to look forward to. Also, when I looked at what my goals were - world travel, spending more time with my sister, family, and friends, buying a home, marriage - I could see that I couldn't do any of those things with him. I had allowed my feelings for MM to supercede what I truly needed to be happy as a whole individual. He may have been good for me in many ways, but not in some of the most important ways. It didn't happen instantly, but it did help change my perspective enough to step back. - "I want all the kisses to be for me." I said that to myself each and every time I caught myself thinking about him. That statement was powerful to me, something I considered significant enough to make me pause long enough to talk myself out of the urge to contact him. It summed things up and kept me from thinking about the details all the time. It was like a big red stop (thinking) sign, for some reason. - Talking with one of my very happily married friends. She's an incredibly wonderful woman, someone I admire deeply. She and her husband are a team, a loving partnership...their first thoughts are always of each other. I learn from her what a good marriage means, and how fulfilling it is, and she renews my faith that it's worth waiting for. - Talking with a couple of my gay friends who have been together for many years and who have been dealing with some serious issues recently (not infidelity-related). From them, I am reminded that love and commitment to a relationship drives one to confront problems together as a team, because what happens to one person, happens to both of them as a couple. These things helped me...along with lots of margaritas with my friends. I wish you the best.
Guest Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 I should just start an account. I am the person who wrote the original thread...... This morning the MM called to set up a date for next weekend. Taking me to my favorite resturant. Coming to pick me up at 9am to spend the whole day with me. Taking a vacation day from work....trying to get back on track. This weekend he has out of town friends coming in to spend time with him, he wants me to go out with them during the day, and then let him spend time with them alone, hence the next weekend big date night! I hesitated in saying yes, and he thought that it was because I have another date--so not true! But anyway, of course, like the fool I am I went along with his plans. Yes, I would hang out with him and his friends on Sunday, and of course, we would have our BIG date next Sat. Also, he switched work shifts to go to myh friends wedding next Friday. I know, I'm a fool. He also stated that his child starts day camp next week and that we can hang out before he needs to pick her up. Remember, he works 4-12. Also, his W is off tomorrow, so he wants to see me before work. But the big thing......tonight I went to a cooking party with girls from my work. He called me there and told me to buy whatever I wanted and he would pay for it. He then proceeded to call me again later and told me he "accidentily" tapped into my home and cell phone messages and retrieved them....that I had a lot of explaining to do, and that I sounded guilty. I swear, there is nothing on those except calls from him and clients. He even mentioned one by name and questioned me on it! I am very concerned about this behavior.....I told him I have nothing to hide! He could listen to them with me and I would not worry! He gave me a hard time for an hour, but then was reassured. I just don't get this, and am a little afraid! He also erased 3 of them. 2 of his, (he left several others), and one from a client! He is the one who is being deceitful, yet I am the one getting blamed. What do you think? Is this common? Is he crazy? My friends are starting to get very worried. But, if he was that concerned he would be with me more, don't you think? Is this all a game? My brain still won't stop, and I think I'm getting ulcers! Please advise!
UnknowingOW Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 He is manipulating you and masterfully I would say. Not that I haven't snooped on a ex before, but that was to find out if he was lying. This man is using every means to control you, your life, and your emotions. He is baiting you into his control, and then manipulating you with his words and actions. He's bringing you into for a fight for no reason. He's snooping on your HOME phone. This sounds very scary to me. I would cut my losses quickly and get the hell out! Good luck
norajane Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Ok, now he's sounding stalkerish. Change your passwords on your phones and emails, and start documenting his actions. He's very controlling and over-the-top - he has no right to listen to or erase your voice mail. Pay attention to those ulcers...they're telling you to run!
newbby Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 i agree. get away from this guy. he is insecure because he knows you dont owe him faithfulness, but this behaviour is selfish, controlling, out of control and irrational, not to mention scary. get away before it really physically and mentally wears you down, else you wont have as much strength to do so.
movinon05 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Good lord, "accidentally" tapping into your home phone and cell phone? How is that possible? Does he have your passwords. I'm sure you spent a lot of time trying to explain yourself away and you shouldn't have to do that. Especially when he was wrong in the first place to snoop/stoop and invade your privacy. I have no doubt he was not apologetic for doing that. Please get out now. He is definitely too controlling and it is going to eat you alive!! Try to gather the strength to stand up for yourself. My exMM controlled my head for a long time. He was so worried I would go out with someone else and he was also afraid my friends would introduce me to someone, so I never went out because it only made him mad!! I learned a hard lesson about myself after going through that and will never allow anyone to do that to me again. Please don't let him do this to you. Get out now. He doesn't have YOUR best interests at heart.
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