Luvmykids Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 My husband and I have been married for 7 years. I love him dearly. I think he is having and EA with a co-worker. I can't prove it however. But when I see him around co-workers he is so happy and is full of life. When he comes home to me, he is quiet and moody. He is distant at times. He is not working extra hours but will not talk about his job lately. He seems to know alot about this one of his co-workers but I only find this out in conversations he has with other people or if he lets something slip. If I ask him how the people are at his work, he will tell me about everyone but her. If I ask about her specifically, he says he doesn't know what happens with her since he is not at work to chit chat. But yet he knows about her kids, where her husband works, the work they got done on the house...etc. Also they and two other people go to lunch once a week together. It seems like he really looks forward to that day. He also told me that she is the only one at work that really does a good job and gave her a raise so "she wouldn't want to look for another job". Also, I have been in the office a couple of times, but she is the only one who does not speak to me. Am I just being paranoid or do you think this maybe the start of something. Do you think that maybe he is just attracted to her? How do I look for signs? He carries no cell phone, so there is nothing to check there. Please give me you suggestions or comments. Thanks
Piratesmate Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Sorry to hear that. Have you noticed any signs of lipstick on his clothes or femine cologne/perfume? I would ask him flat out all your reasonings. Don't be afraid to talk it out with him. It's better to know than to not know.
Bullgator Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 It's possible that he's involved with this woman, and there are others in this forum who can advise you on how to gather evidence. But I'm wondering about your marriage. Have you shared with him the fact that you perceive him to be quiet and moody at home? Does one or both of you have emotional needs that are going unmet?
rossi Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I think he is attracted to her, i advise you from my husband's affair that talk to him about how you fell, start saying I feel, don't talk about he, talk about how do you feel. If i'm you check his emails and phone calls first, them talk to him about your feelings. After, ask him how he is feeling about the marriage and you. Tell him that you feel like he is not the same, that something is not right. Don't tell him about the other women, just talk about both of you. If he says something about your relationship, tell him what he would like to do, if he talk about the other woman aske him how he would feel if you are the one who is feeling emotional toward someone else. You don't say how is your marriage now, and for how long you are marriage. How is the communication between both of you? are you spending time alone, like going to movies, dinner, time alone ect. Work on this now before it turn into something physical, people are so down and lonely that you never know what they are feeling.
silktricks Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I don't think you are paranoid --- well, that's not really true. I think you are paranoid, but with damn good reason. You need to talk to your husband. Tell him your fears, and also show him how important he is to you. Best. Silk
whichwayisup Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Definately talk to him, but don't accuse him. Ask him if he's unhappy in your marriage. What you can do to make things good again. And by me saying this, doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong, it's just he's getting something from this woman that he can't get from you. ..Maybe it's a crush, or maybe he just enjoys the extra attention, but it's enough to have got you thinking and wondering what's really going on there. The thing is, it seems he is her boss? Yes? If so, then he shouldn't be so "close" to her emotionally either.
RecordProducer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Also, I have been in the office a couple of times, but she is the only one who does not speak to me. And you are her boss's wife? Very interesting. My husband is the CEO of his company and all his employees kiss my feet when I show up there. I think you're very intuitive and perceptive. I am amazed by the little facts you stated and how they led you to the conclusion that something might be going on between them. I usually try to console people rather than dig out more suspicion, but they both are suspicious. She ignores you and he gives her a raise, doesn't talk about her, etc. I think you should find out what's going on, not just talk to him about how you feel and motivate him to hide things better (if he is hiding anything at all). For starters, go to work and start an innocent chat with this woman. Observe her behavior. See if she will avoid to look in your eyes, if she will try to get rid of you, watch her body language. Ask her about how she spent her weekend and then tell her that you and your husband had a great one and watch her reaction. My gym trainer always asks me about my weekend and shows how glad he is when I had a great time, even asks about details like where and how. Ask your husband if he finds her cute. Once I wasn't sure whether my husband liked my girlfriend and I asked him innocently if he thought she was cute. he said: "She is a nice person, but she is definitely not attractive." (This is true, by the way) Of course, beauty is not so important, but if we like someone, we find them attractive and cute. Why are you convinced that this might be an EA? It could easily be a physical one... or nothing at all. The less you show that you suspect anything the more information you will uncover! Good luck and I hope you're totally wrong about this whole thing.
Author Luvmykids Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 I have talked to my husband about this before and told him how I feel. He says that the people at work are just co-workers. And just that! That these people are not his friends, and does not understand why I feel this way. But I feel like why is he so happy at work and so quiet and moody at home. Since I have said something about his behavior at home he tries here and there, but I can tell he is just doing it for me. He does get defensive when I confront him about his behavior here at home. He is not all bad, but I just get this huge vibe that he is pining for someone. I guess my emotional needs are not getting met. I have addressed that to him to. But that is why I think he was having an emotional affair, I feel his needs are getting by someone else. And I am trying to figure out why he is so secretive about his particular woman? Funny you mention about being the bosses wife. Two of his other employees talk to me, and seem overly nice. But I have never talked to her. I almost forgot, I found two notes over time at his work. He brought them home, but he didnt show them to me, I found them. One congratulating him on his promotion to boss, and telling him they are so happy he will be thier boss an told him not to "forget the good old day they shared together" It was not signed, and it was typed on a plain piece of paper. The other was a paper around christmas, outlining the "10 things we love about him" About how his daughter looks exactly like him, how he is so funny, how he has such a great attitude at work, how they are all happy he is there and their boss. I think was was innappropriate. When I found it, I questioned him. He said it was nothing that they just gave it to him, but didnt tell me who. Months later when I brought it up again, he said he can see my point that it looks inappropriate and that from the outside it looks personal but says there is nothing to it. And now tells me that everyone got one. But when I was really upset the first time, he never mentioned that little tidbit. Also they know about my screen name on a local message board for our city. That really made me angry. He is sharing info about me? I just think you do not act that way with the boss.
Iwanttohope Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I just think you do not act that way with the boss. Maybe not, but the boss is the one setting the tone in the office.
RecordProducer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 The messages could be nothing, you don't even know who wrote them. It's possible that she is attracted to him and he feels it, but is trying to spare you from the worry. He was their equal until recently so naturally they won't start to "respect" him all of a sudden. He was one of them and they feel he still is. My husband has an employee that is his friend and this guy was even using my husband financially until I opened his eyes about it. So not all bosses are bossy and not all employees are meek. Some would go far to get under their bosses' skin to keep the job, get promoted, etc. Perhaps your husband had a conflict with this woman that is totally related to work and she threatened to leave. Maybe he simply doesn't like her as a person and you think he has feelings for her. I doubt that there is an EA going on. It's either physical or nothing at all. I think it's nothing. Relax and read the signs. For now just forget about it. If you have new information or perception then re-think the whole thing.
2sunny Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 The messages could be nothing, you don't even know who wrote them. It's possible that she is attracted to him and he feels it, but is trying to spare you from the worry. He was their equal until recently so naturally they won't start to "respect" him all of a sudden. He was one of them and they feel he still is. My husband has an employee that is his friend and this guy was even using my husband financially until I opened his eyes about it. So not all bosses are bossy and not all employees are meek. Some would go far to get under their bosses' skin to keep the job, get promoted, etc. Perhaps your husband had a conflict with this woman that is totally related to work and she threatened to leave. Maybe he simply doesn't like her as a person and you think he has feelings for her. I doubt that there is an EA going on. It's either physical or nothing at all. I think it's nothing. Relax and read the signs. For now just forget about it. If you have new information or perception then re-think the whole thing. I disagree RP - Mainly because she should just sit back and pay close attention to everything... IMHO... this will allow her to see what might actually be going on... I think she should plan to meet him for lunch unexpectedly on the day when he is supposed to go with her, and see how he reacts.... Start having FUN with him again! Don't allow ALL his fun time to be directed at ANYBODY else!
RecordProducer Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Well he is either having an affair or not. We don't know that. What I know is that if you're thinking that something might be going on, there's something wrong with your marriage. We trust when we believe we're loved and when we get enough attention and affection. However, we (women) are often unhappy and have mood swings due to our hormones. We work ourselves up over the littlest things and crave romance and passion that men are not capable of giving all the time, especially when married. They get comfortable and act in a way that makes us feel like they don't love us anymore. But most often that's completely not true. Furthermore, men get easily disappointed when they don't get what they expect - tolerance, freedom, understanding, and they close up in a shell. Men like it easy. They don't like to complicate things. While you think he is in a bad mood at home, he might just be tired. At work he has to give his best, he has to pretend that everything is fine and he's the cheerful, energetic boss. At home he is being himself. This doesn't necessarily mean he is hot for a woman at work or doesn't enjoy your company at home. I straightforwardly tell my husband that we should spend more time together when he gets distant. I need action all the time - he's more relaxed. Just ask your husband to give you what you need without fighting. Ask 1000 times if necessary.
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