pebbles1727 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hi everyone, I'm desperately looking for some hope in my situation. My husband had a short affair a few months ago that left me totally devastated. We are trying to work through it, but I now feel more hopeless than I did right after I found out. I would greatly appreciate any of you sharing a success story. It would be so nice to hear that someone out there made it despite of betrayal, hurt, and anger. Thanks in advance.
rossi Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 My husband affair last two months. It ended up because i found out about it. He has been very remorseful since that day, doing the best that he can to repair his damage. He stoped seeing his friends were he met the other woman. He used to go out on Saturdays with the excuse of fixing his cars. Now I tell him that if he wants to go to fix his car, he can do it. I told him last Saturday that if he wants to see his friends he could go, i said this after he told me that hi miss the time that he spend with them sometime. It made feel bad, because i want him to feel free to do whatever he wants. I feel like he is doing it to make me feel secure, I don't know for how long is going to be. Now he goes to the park with my younger boy, he stay home during saturdays and help in the housework. We are doing better than before, more sex, more communication, but the only problem still is me, is hard for me to forgive him, i'm trying but it is hard. I went to MC and i did not like the therapiest he turned out to be at my husband side, it made me feel lose. He said that my husband had the affair because our problems.
silktricks Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 My husband's EA lasted almost a year. (He says 4 months, but really it was a year.) But----good news! We are really a success story. We've rebuilt what we used to have to where I really think it's better than what we used to have. If you love him enough to fight it out, it's worth the work. Best of luck to you!!!!!!!
RecordProducer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Don't you, girls, have a desire to get back at them and cheat on them? That's the first thing I would do if I decided to stay married.
hooghie Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Don't you, girls, have a desire to get back at them and cheat on them? That's the first thing I would do if I decided to stay married. Agree 100% I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but sometimes getting even allows people to move on.
harleygirl92156 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Don't you, girls, have a desire to get back at them and cheat on them? That's the first thing I would do if I decided to stay married. Now why in God's name would you drag yourself down to that level??If that is the only way you can figure out how to make a relationship work after the devestation of an affair then you are not MATURE enough to be in a relationship. If you think that is going to make you feel better, think again!!
Chump64 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I hate that "have a revenge affair!" mentality. So your relationship is in a pile of rubble and what do you do? f*** it up even worse? Please, can you explain that mentality RP? It's so immature. I understand wanting your partner to hurt as badly as you do. That would make you feel better for, oh, maybe one hour? Why would you want to be a dog like the person who hurt you? Anyway, back to the original post -- I found out in January about my husband's 10-year affair. It has completely devastated our marriage. We are working to see if we can save it. You will feel a huge mix of emotions that change even from hour to hour. It wasn't until quite recently that I finally got it through my head -- this says way more about HIM than it does about ME -- and I am starting to have a bit more optimism. I heard that and read it and was told it, over and over. But only recently did it really CLICK in my head. Once you start looking at the situation and the personalities involved, it's interesting how much insight you can find. In my opinion, a lot of people who cheat are dealing with tons of emotional immaturity, conflict avoidance, and low self esteem. A lot of that stuff is related to your personal background and upbringing. Learning about factors like that does not condone a cheater's behavior, but it's a perspective that helps you take it less personally. I think TIME is just such a huge factor. It takes time to work things out and hash them out, and you will feel better, then worse, then completely despairing, then a bit better, then very pessimistic, then slightly optimistic, etc. Do you see where this is going? It's like a pinball shooting around in your head and heart, with no rhyme or reason. Give it a year or so to see where you go with this. If nothing gets better, move on. At the very least, find yourselves the best possible marriage counselor.
catgirl1927 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 To have a revenge affair is, I think, the most childish reaction you can have. What could anyone really think would be accomplished by that?
Chump64 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 A revenge affair would only make your chances of reconciling even worse. Why not just ditch your cheating spouse instead? That would be the best revenge in my case, but I'm not going to do something that may not be the best solution long-term, and which I'm not prepared to do.
Iwanttohope Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I have a success story but its not my own...does that count? One of my very best friends caught her husband cheating six years ago... it was literally a one night stand. They went to counseling for a while and things were "better".... Fast forward two years later (four years ago) and she caught him in an EA... Now just wait a second--I know most of you are thinking "this is a one time offer" or "there will NEVER be a third chance" but...there is absolutely no way to know what you would do until you are faced with that situation. I quit saying "never" a long time ago. The foolishness I've displayed in my lifetime has knocked that word right outta me. I've uttered that word many times with quite a bit of self righteousness and every time I end up having to eat it, it's harder to get down my throat. My friend and her husband went back to counseling, individual and marriage, he now has two accountability partners (both male) that he meets with seperately each week and has done this for the last four years. They have not discontinued counseling but just this year have started going every other week instead of twice a week. They have done considerable healing within their marriage and individually. Their two daughters are very happy and have been given a pretty healthy picture of two people who love each other despite acting foolish at times and are willing to work hard. This is the ONLY success story I know of personally. In other situations usually one of them bails on counseling after a year or so. My success story friends mentioned above readily say that the counseling must continue in order to maintain the marriage. I have other married friends that go for counseling "check ups" even though everything seems peachy--its just a check up and they've seen so many marriages get past the point of no return that they'd rather go when its seemingly unnecessary rather than wait until it may be too late. One of the first criteria I'll be looking for in a husband if I ever have one... he must be open to counseling even when things seem to be going well
Chump64 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I hate people who say "never." That said, unless I am somehow brain damaged in an accident, I will NEVER go through this again with my husband. Nev.er. I'll slit my own throat first. Maybe I would feel differently if it was a one night stand. But my was a 10-year deal, so this is a one time offer, indeed.
Iwanttohope Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I hate people who say "never." That said, unless I am somehow brain damaged in an accident, I will NEVER go through this again with my husband. Nev.er. I'll slit my own throat first. Maybe I would feel differently if it was a one night stand. But my was a 10-year deal, so this is a one time offer, indeed. Okie dokie;)
Healing in the US Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Here's my success story, but I don't think it's exactly what you had in mind. I am in the process of divorcing my ex - for many, many reasons. The main reason, though, is lack of trust. In the six years that we were together, he's lied to me (or not told me the whole truth, kept many secrets) on more occasions than I can count. I am one of those types of women who always thought I was too smart and too strong to be involved with a liar, but when you get tangled up in a relationship like that, it happens gradually. And if the liar is smooth and good at it, even the most level-headed of us can become victims. And often times, you avoid the bad feelings in your gut simply because you don't want to acknowledge that you are being lied to. And what kind of person does that make you? A sucker? Something I refused to believe about myself for a long time. For the sake of keeping things brief, I will stay focused on the one, "straw that broke the camel's back" area of broken trust. In February of '04, I discovered a woman's blouse in our laundry. It wasn't mine and it came from an overnight bag of his (one that he took on a business trip). I confronted him about it and he denied that he knew its origins. It was too small for me and we don't share our laundry machines with any one, so how did it get there? He came up with the lamest possibilities. We argued, and, long story short, I let it go. About 2 weeks later, I was clearing some clutter from the dining room table and out popped some romantic poetry, written about another woman. It said stuff about "how beautiful you look when you take your glasses off" (I don't wear glasses), "how excited I am when I see you at the baggage carousel," and (this is the best), "how wrong it is that we can't be together." Confrontation ensued and, again, I believed the lies. "I write about a lot of things," he said. I filed this away, along with the blouse, for a year. Over the course of this time, he went away weekends without me to visit friends in NYC and Toronto, slept in his office a couple of nights (because he "missed the last train home" and "didn't have money for a cab"). One night, he came home smelling of perfume. Another time, he came home drunk, draped his hands over me in bed and they smelled very strongly of latex. To all this, he denied, denied, denied. In conjunction with this, I he was non-affectionate, emotionally unavailable, treated me like a child (scolding, belittling) and put me down in very passive-aggressive ways. It's been a year since we separated, and something recently triggered a memory. We were away on vacation over Valentine's Day weekend in '04, and he kept leaving the room to check him email. A LOT and at odd times. I jogged back to the blouse and the poetry and figured them all to be at the same time. Within a month, in fact. To this day, he still denies everything and I am furious that he won't fess up. We aren't getting back together, so I am not sure what he is protecting. I wish, WISH he would tell me so that I can be free of this. I will never know the truth from his lips and this is very sad to me. We were in couple's therapy for a time after the split. I agreed because I wanted to figure out how we got to where we wound up. He wanted to save the marriage (which was ridiculous because he was so disinterested in me the whole time we were married). He's now living on the other side of the country, which is helpful. I am still seeing a therapist to help me deal with it all, which is invaluable. I hope that he is getting help, too, as he seems to have lots of problems. So, where's the success story, you ask? I met a new man. And he is wonderful. He is attentive and kind and thoughtful and loving. He represents everything that love is supposed to be. Everything that we all deserve to have. I would not have known or appreciated this kind of love if I weren't jerked around so badly by ex. Mercifully, we did not have children. This would have complicated things a lot, I am sure. I have started my life over and this experience has shown me that I AM strong, I AM capable, and happiness is here, in my life, right now. I haven't felt this good about my life or myself in YEARS. I look forward to a continued healthy and long lasting relationship with the new man in my life. I scraped together the salvageable bits of my life and reclaimed myself. Nothing but good things have happened to me since we separated. Good luck to all of you who have had to deal with infidelity, no matter what path you choose with regard to your marriage. Always remember what you deserve!
RecordProducer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I hate people who say "never." That said, unless I am somehow brain damaged in an accident, I will NEVER go through this again with my husband. Nev.er. I'll slit my own throat first. Maybe I would feel differently if it was a one night stand. But my was a 10-year deal, so this is a one time offer, indeed.Of course, you'll never forgive anything like that again. And, unless your husband in brain-damaged, he'll never do that again. Now the question why I would get back at my husband... because I would feel better if I did the same thing to him, because I would want him to see how it feels and preferably suffer as much as I do... I would not openly cheat on him in the same way, but much worse (whatever the inspiration for that at the given moment is). I wouldn't let him stab me and get away with that. I'd stab him too. And I'd show him a video of it!
Chump64 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Why not just leave him? Assuming he loves you and wouldn't want to lose you, that would be more painful that screwing someone else and making sure he knows.
Author pebbles1727 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Don't you, girls, have a desire to get back at them and cheat on them? That's the first thing I would do if I decided to stay married. No, never crossed my mind. To me infidelity is about character, integrity, and moral values. Only because my husband chose to compromise his, to sell myself short of who I am by cheating seems ridiculous.
Chump64 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I agree with Pebbles. Why would you want to do something so distasteful, RP, which will stay as a blemish on your personal character for the rest of your life? All in the name of revenge? That's shallow and childish, IMO. You end up hurting yourself all because you want revenge on your spouse. Just drop kick him. That'd be revenge enough and you wouldn't have to live with the proverbial scarlet letter. Because, let's be real. Being a cheater has a very specific stigma in our society. And sadly, I think it's worse for women.
Iwanttohope Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 So, where's the success story, you ask? I met a new man. And he is wonderful. He is attentive and kind and thoughtful and loving. He represents everything that love is supposed to be. Everything that we all deserve to have. I would not have known or appreciated this kind of love if I weren't jerked around so badly by ex. Mercifully, we did not have children. This would have complicated things a lot, I am sure. I have started my life over and this experience has shown me that I AM strong, I AM capable, and happiness is here, in my life, right now. I haven't felt this good about my life or myself in YEARS. I look forward to a continued healthy and long lasting relationship with the new man in my life. I scraped together the salvageable bits of my life and reclaimed myself. Nothing but good things have happened to me since we separated. Good luck to all of you who have had to deal with infidelity, no matter what path you choose with regard to your marriage. Always remember what you deserve! That is absolutely a success story and a great "don't stop hoping" story! Good for you!!!
RecordProducer Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 Why would you want to do something so distasteful, RP, which will stay as a blemish on your personal character for the rest of your life? All in the name of revenge? Because if someone I deeply love and trust betrays me, I'd have a huge wound in my soul. And I wouldn't want to stay faithful to someone who hurt me so much. I didn't say this was my moral viewpoint - it's only personal. That's shallow and childish, IMO. You end up hurting yourself all because you want revenge on your spouse. I agree with this. When my ex-husband left me and we were separated for a couple months, I slept with another man that I didn't really like a lot, only to feel better about myself. It didn't make me feel better. I felt like a cheater and I shouldn't have because he left me for good. He only came back when I insisted and 6 months later left me really for good. I regret feeling guilty for that, because it wasn't cheating - we were separated and it was supposed to stay that way if he was to be asked. Just drop kick him. That'd be revenge enough and you wouldn't have to live with the proverbial scarlet letter. I am sure I would leave a cheater; my hypothesis was if I would decide to stay married for whatever reason. Because, let's be real. Being a cheater has a very specific stigma in our society. And sadly, I think it's worse for women. I don't understand what you mean by this. Can you please explain?
Chump64 Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 My point is that if you cheat, there is a stigma associated with it. And that stigma is worse for women than for men, to some degree, in our society. Women who cheat are seen by many as whores. Men who cheat also face stigmas, but there are some good ole' boys who see them as virile and manly. I don't agree with it and I think it's unfair, but it's out there. Why would you want that stigma? How is that going to fix the wound in your soul? Unless you like salt poured on your wounds, it's not going to help you. Doing something low and degrading is no way to make you feel better about yourself. That makes no sense. I am sure I would leave a cheater. We all are, babe. We all are.
silktricks Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 To this day, he still denies everything and I am furious that he won't fess up. We aren't getting back together, so I am not sure what he is protecting. I wish, WISH he would tell me so that I can be free of this. I will never know the truth from his lips and this is very sad to me. My first husband called me about 13 YEARS after we divorced. We were both married to other people, and STILL claimed he hadn't cheated even though I had proof coming out of his (and my) ears!! Some people just won't ever admit the truth. Which is why we divorce them. Congratulations to you meeting someone genuine.
silktricks Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Because if someone I deeply love and trust betrays me, I'd have a huge wound in my soul. And I wouldn't want to stay faithful to someone who hurt me so much. I didn't say this was my moral viewpoint - it's only personal. It would be better for you to leave him than to cheat on him. Far healthier in the long run. I am sure I would leave a cheater Hopefully you'll never have to test this hypothesis.
RecordProducer Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 And that stigma is worse for women than for men, to some degree, in our society. Women who cheat are seen by many as whores. Ya know... I not only don't care about this primitive mentality, but don't even want to know that any bulls*** like that exists because it might dirty my mind with unnecessary thoughts that my honor is different than a man's honor. People who call women sluts and whores make me sick although I totally don't feel called by them. I don't even consider them human enough to respect their opinion. I divide everything to fair vs. unfair. Cheating is not fair. But being called a "whore" from the society for cheating makes me wanna puke. My ex-husband would call female cheaters whores - even a good friend of his.
Chump64 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Ya know... I not only don't care about this primitive mentality, but don't even want to know that any bulls*** like that exists because it might dirty my mind with unnecessary thoughts that my honor is different than a man's honor. It's out there, sistah. Like it or not. I didn't say I agreed with it or liked it. And this is the first time you've thought about it or heard it? Society is always harder on women when it comes to moral issues. But that's not really the topic. You think cheating is unfair and disgusting, so why would you do the revenge affair thing? I still can't wrap my head around that. You haven't answered the question -- how in the world would that repair the wound in your soul?
RecordProducer Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 You haven't answered the question -- how in the world would that repair the wound in your soul?It wouldn't. But it would repair my desire to kill him!
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