Starving 4 Love Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hello All. Thank you in advance for reading my thread. Me and my wife were recently married, she is everything I wanted in my mate. We consider ourselves soul mates. Everyone around us always thought there would be no chance of a relationship working with us but to there supprise it did and we were married. As our marriage has progressed she has either let slip or I have found out many things she has tried to hide. Very risky behaviours and sexual incounters. She has also mentioned that she was raped. I really did not know how to handle this, she said she also had a misscariage. Very sad sercumstance. It happened very early for her. She was in her teens. She then told me of an abortion in her teens. She started having sex and drinking very early. And as her mother told me a great source of anguish to her as a very defiant child. As you can see this is biggening to be a theme for her. As for being raped I was very supportive and loving twords her. But here is the problem, we had an argument today at lunch about me feeling as thou she never apreciated me and was not reciprical about the things I do for her. This peticular argument was about sex, whenever we get into fights about sex (me wanting more, she wanting less). This comes up, now I am aware of three rapes, two gang rapes at parties that she was at and I know she is not telling me everything so who knows! I just dont understand her, she hides everything from me then drops things like this on me! I am really tring to understand but I cant. The fact that she has done so many things including being an alcoholic and losing her child because of being with a convicted child molester! There is just to much for me to get my brain around! How do I resolve this with myself? I want to love her but this is getting very hard to deal with. A little background on me is, first I dont drink, second I have never smoked (she smokes 2 paks a day) and have been a very resposible person in my life. Financial, Jobs and Friends. Her history is making me sick inside, I dont know how to deal with her. She hides, then lies then the truth comes out and says thats why she will not take care of me. I work 2 jobs and work 7 days a week, I come home and take of the kids so she can rest and take them to the beach or the pool (btw 2 of them are from her best friend which lives with us and 2 of her sisters who she v[FONT=Arial]olunteered us to take care of when they were at work)[/FONT] Then come home and take care of her. Yesterday gave her a full body massage, spend so much time and I felt she did not apreaciate it in the least. Its seems she has been taken advantage so many times(by previous lovers who did nothing and she took care of them) that now she is doing the same with me. I just dont know what to think about her. I feel disgusted, and feel very ashamed of myself for feeling this. I love her so much but I wonder what I got into. Maybe I never really knew her, but I love her with everything I have. I would die for her, but I would rather live for her. I really need a objective, clear headed view of this. What should I do when this is on my mind and I dont want to be around her becuase of the past? I know this is wrong but I need your help if you are willing to give it. I know this is not as clearly writen as you may like but this fight just happend and being frustrated and emotional about something doesnt always make for good grammer or good writting. Thanks for you time.
ronnieromance Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Ya, you sound like a nice guy. I think you're a mis-match. Maybe it's time to look elsewhere. You may find a more nurturing woman on a dating site, if you're too busy to get back in the loop. Ever try webdate. Listen, she's using you. She'll likely end up pregnant if she thinks you're trying to leave. Just end it. TRUST ME. She has so little respect for you, she's telling you she doesn't care, won't support you, etc, etc, and you're still there. Don't be a Captain Save-A-Ho. Be Command-A-Ho. Know your place. -R-
Horse Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Wow..! Sometimes I feel like a chump, but you have me beat by a mile. "Everyone around us always thought there would be no chance of a relationship working with us but to there supprise it did and we were married." Your freinds were trying to tell you something here. This woman needs help, but you can't be it. She will just continue to take advantage of you, suck you dry and spit you out with no money, child support payments and a bitter attitude. Use is all she knows. Use or be used. You are too nice to use her, so she is going to use you. There are tons of beatiful, smart, loving women out there, but it doesn't sound like she is one of them.
jmargel Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Often when a person is abused or mistreated for a long period of time and then start a relationship with someone who is loving, respectful & honest, they will become their emotional punching bag. Often the former-abused person will start treating their loved one the same way they were treated. You two definetly need marriage counseling and if I were you I would start looking today. You need to set boundaries with her otherwise she will continue to take advantage of you. She cannot use the past as an excuse to treat you the way she does. It sounds like she is still very immature. Stand up for yourself and tell her what you need from her and what you will not tolerate. She needs some direction in her life and without directly telling you, you will have to provide that direction.
stacym75 Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Ok take a breath people,yes its seems she may be damaged but lets help him out on this .She apparently needs some therapy.Has she tried this ?Has she gotten any type of counceling (however you spell it)whats so ever?She really needs to see someone for that.And then you both could go .But the only way she is going to get all this out is if she gets some type of Therapy. And is she telling you all the truth?Why does she wait till you argue to then choose to tell you things.Have you talked to her mother about these things and has she confirmed them.I mean if she has went thru all that then she truly truly needs help.I hope she can get it and i hope for the best .So good luck .
Kenyth Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 You've got every right to be scared of this past! It has a very real bearing on your future! I think you've been had. I think many have found themselves dating someone like this for one reason or another at a certain time in their life. Most guys run away fast. She sounds like a stripper I dated once for two weeks. A complete mess! I'm guessing she is very pretty, you are very stable and feel very flatterred/lucky to be with a woman this attractive. I feel like you're being used here, and this will not end well. Let me warn you, "I was raped." is sometimes a cop-out for promiscuous sexual behavior that needs an excuse, or that's regretted later. Three gang "rapes" at "parties" is a bit much to swallow. You have to learn to see bad news coming and stay out of it's way. A marriage is a partnership where you build a life together. I just can't shake the feeling you're in lust, and she needs a sugar daddy. Hell, you're already taking on her friends kids! I may be completely off here, but please try to think things through carefully and objectively. You can still leave this situation behind should you wish to. Don't wait until things get real ugly.
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