I think this is neglect...

June 20, 2006

I am so angry right now I can't even think straight.

Let me start from the beginning.

My SO's niece is obese. She was a chunky kid from a very young age, but now she has exploded into obesity.

This is not a 'gland' problem....nor does she have 'big bones'. She is the only family member who is obese and it's because she eats a steady diet of junk junk and more junk.

Since she is not my child, I hesitate to butt into the family business. HOWEVER, more than once they have solicited my advice since I excercise and eat very healthfully and have maintained a healthy weight even into my later years.

I advised my SO's mom (the niece's grandmother) and my SO's sister (niece's mother) not to give the child unlimited access to soda, punch and sugared ice tea. I suggested they encourage her to eat more fresh fruit and vegetables and stop with the french fries and candy. They seemed to listen to me.

So what happens next...

We go to the pool last weekend and I see SO's niece for the first time in a long time. She is even bigger than ever. In her bikini it is obvious that this is a child approaching morbid obesity. Her belly is hanging down, her legs are splayed from so much fat. She's NINE. And her figure is worse than most middle aged people.

Her grandmother tells me that they had just come from Arby's.

They had just been there an hour ago and I know the niece had had a 'full meal', which generally entails chicken nuggets or the equivalent, fries and soda.

I watch niece dig into grandma's bag for a sandwich that grandma had packed 'just in case' niece needed an extra 'something something'. After the ham sandwich, niece asks grandma for money to buy a slice of pizza. Later, niece asks for money to buy some soda. Grandma gives her the money, no questions asked. A little while later, niece asks for money for candy.

At this point grandma quirks her eyebrows at me and laughs weakly, "What can you do?" she says, like it's funny. She ends up handing niece MORE money to go buy MORE crap to eat.

I was livid.

I feel so sorry for the child as NO boundaries are being set for her. I do not believe in punishing a child for being heavy, but SERIOUSLY...someone has to say kindly, but firmly, "Honey, you already had lunch and then a snack. If you are still hungry you can have an apple."

Furthermore, the grandmother tells me that niece's stomach frequently hurts her. She has a lot of tummy pain. Their remedy is always to feed her sprite or ginger ale as this seems to 'settle her down'

I wonder if they might consider that it's the massive amount of junk she's eating?

I did say to grandma, "You know, her stomach might be bothering her from overeating," as gently as I could.

"Oh..." grandma looked surprised. "Do you THINK that's it? I think it's something else. We're going to take her to the doctor."

I talked to my SO about this and he says he has talked to his sister and mom repeatedly about niece's healthy and weight issues and it has fallen on deaf ears.

He says, "This is part of my dysfunctional family system. Dont' get drawn into it as I have been dealing with it for years to no avail."

Sunday we go out for Father's Day. Niece is allowed to order Sprite with breakfast. She also asks for extra extra extra syrup to go with her adult-sized portion of french toast, which she snarfs down.

I stifled myself.

Nobody likes to be told they are raising their kids wrong. But these folks are being WAY too permissive and the child is going to end up teased and tormented at school.

June 21, 2006

One of these days, parents who stuff their kids like that will be charged with abuse. Just another reason why parents should be licenced and monitored, IMHO.

June 21, 2006

Ugh... that is so disgusting!! This makes me angry, I totally feel you!! It reminds me of a Maury show I watched where 3 and 4 year olds would come out and no lie some weighed up to 100 lbs!!! It was morbid!! It is just plain cruel to let a child eat so much their skin can no longer stretch any more.

my mother thinks I underfeed my son. He gets 3 square "healthy" meals a day and about 2 small snacks like a handful of grapes or a banana. He loves fruit and veggies!! I feel like i feed him exactly the amount he needs.

My SO's daughter is overweight for her age. She is almost 9 and though not severely overweight, she is definately larger than most little girls her age. Her mother feeds her all kinds of sugary substances. My SO and I have a very healthy lifestyle. I mean we shack occasionally but well within reason. We also have a work out routine together, and being healthy is a priority in our household. The fact that his ex shoves sugar down their daughters throat kills him. I watch her while he's at work and he has instructed me that she cannot eat all day, especially junk. This little girl comes to me constantly throughout the asking me for food or a snack. This tells me alot about her lifestyle at her home. It makes me ill. She shouldn't have to suffer and go through life overweight because she was never taught when enough is enough. I can wear her tshirts and I am not that small of a person. She's even come over wearing her mothers shirts.

SO has been on his ex continuously trying to get her to cut down on their daughters food intake. Finally she is starting to lose a little wieght, but only because his ex was recently diagnosed with some kind of sugar disorder and can't eat anymore sugar. So I'm guessing they don't buy that crap anymore, but I thought it was sad that she had to become ill before she thought of the health needs of the family.

June 21, 2006

I mean we shack occasionally

Proof positive that we have an addict on our hands

June 21, 2006

Proof positive that we have an addict on our hands

Oh I admit I am addicted to junk food. If I let myself I'd eat junk all day long!! We just don't buy junk anymore because we both know if we do, we will eat it all in one day.

June 21, 2006

TA, reread what you posted

I mean we ****shack ******occasionally

June 21, 2006

:eek: OMG!! LOL

Yea, we do that too!! :lmao: I admit I'm a "shack" addict!!

June 21, 2006

I thought it was sad that she had to become ill before she thought of the health needs of the family.

I agree Tim'sAngel and I think that's what it may take before this family gets a grip.

And what the other poster said about the obese toddlers on the Maury show whose skin gets stretched out from all that stuffing....my SO's niece DOES HAVE STRETCH MARKS!

It's horrifying. A nine year old with stretch marks?

Do you think there's anything I can say to grandma and the mother without ostracizing myself from the family?

Or is this a 'butt out and mind your own business' kind of thing?

June 21, 2006

"It takes a village to raise a child". She is your relative, she's a little kid, and she's in trouble. I'd do what I could to save her and if the family doesn't like it, to hell with them. Given the potential for disease that results from obesity, they could literally be killing her.

June 21, 2006

This family sounds like a prime candidate for the show Honey, We're Killing Our Kids.

Could the niece come stay with you for a vacation for a week and learn to eat healthy? It might not stick, but it'd sow some seeds that she'd remember when she gets older and wants to be thin in jr-sr high.

And I think this is a form of parental neglect. How sad.

June 21, 2006

This family sounds like a prime candidate for the show Honey, We're Killing Our Kids.

Could the niece come stay with you for a vacation for a week and learn to eat healthy? It might not stick, but it'd sow some seeds that she'd remember when she gets older and wants to be thin in jr-sr high.

And I think this is a form of parental neglect. How sad.

I think that's an excellent idea, except that my SO refuses to get involved with this and since we live together....well you see the dilemma.

He says sticking his nose in it just things miserable. So he washes his hands of it.

I'm hoping that as she gets older, she may seek me out. We have things in common. We both LOVE animals and she likes coming over to help care for my dogs. I also plan to get chickens and she said she would like to come over and help with that too. But stay here for a week? I think my SO would hit the roof.

Trust me, we have argued about this. In my mind, she's an innocent kid who needs help. In his mind, I'm opening up a hornet's nest and he's already experienced close to 40 years' worth of family dysfunction and doesn't want more.

I can see both sides.

June 22, 2006

"It takes a village to raise a child". She is your relative, she's a little kid, and she's in trouble. I'd do what I could to save her and if the family doesn't like it, to hell with them. Given the potential for disease that results from obesity, they could literally be killing her.

Outcast, I hear what you're saying. But let me point out

* She is not my relative. My SO and I are unmarried and from the family's standpoint, I am the 'girlfriend', not the 'domestic partner'. The fact that we remain unmarried is another issue altogether and NO...we will not get married simply to have the family accept me as flesh and blood.

* I can't say 'to hell' with the family since I have to interact with them on a regular basis. They have their values and beliefs and I have to respect them.

The kind of advice I need is how to help this girl without alienating myself from the family? Do you really think they are going to let me have contact with her if I've alienated them?

Thanks for any advice you can offer.

June 22, 2006

I was a fat child and it made me more miserable than words can say. I'd say it was parental neglect and that they should do something before it causes her real distress. Being fat through puberty is horrible.

June 22, 2006

Slinkysu

Your story is so very painful. thank you for sharing it. You see, this is exactly what I'd like to spare this child.

I too had an eating disorder as a youngster. My situation was a little different than hers, but no matter. The point was I had a problem and my parents decided to ignore and neglect it. So I ended up struggling with an eating disorder for close to 10 years before seeking help on my own.

As you know Slinky, merely getting oneself into therapy doesn't mean the end of the problem. I also struggled with alcohol abuse, self-loathing and all the other nasty business that goes along with that.

It is such a painful thing for me to witness, this child being neglected and left to fend for herself.

I might also mention she is pretty shy. It's hard enough to be shy without being OBESE and shy.

Anyway, I will try to work up the courage to share this story with the grandmother (who really seems to exert a lot of influence over the mother of the child). Maybe it will switch the lightbulb on.

June 22, 2006

We try to stress exercise as well as healthy eating for our kids. My son is overweight - he's 11 about 4'10 and 120 lbs. My daughter is 9 and half his size.

My daughter is the junk food addict more than my son but alot more active. He eats more 'heartily', and is active but a bit lazy.

I know you can't get involved in their daily routines, as we set rules....they can eat fruit and veggies without asking, drink water if they're thirsty, exercise at least an hour a day (ie. play outside), and NO snacks from the pantry without asking (and it's hard having two homes as we are separated).

You could maybe tell all your/his nieces and nephews how you'd like to get to know them better, and offer some biking or hiking excursions with healthy snacks and water only available, but I know, that is easier said than done.

June 23, 2006

Well, maybe you could get her interested in cooking with you. You can tell her about how you want to be healthy and well and how food is so important to that and ask her to help you make a scrapbook of healthy recipes or help you cook healthy meals and snacks, which of course she'll want to try. Just taste test them first to be sure they're good.

The way I switched my own eating habits was to look for healthy foods that taste great - and there are plenty Maybe experiment with making tasty low-cal dips for veggies, try inventing nifty salads with fruit and veg in them, etc. There's lots of books and websites with kid-friendly healthy snack ideas that are fun like 'ants on a log'.

June 23, 2006

I certainly believe this is abuse or neglect of somekind. I'd swear I remember hearing about a family charged with abuse over an obese child. Of course, I dont know if reporting them to authorities is the way to go..... I know it is summer but in the past I have been concerned for a child and called their school and voiced my concerns to the school counselor (I couldn't go through the parents for good reasons). I asked the counselor to look into the situation. She was agreeable with the understanding that should couldn't report anything to me. And I understood that, I just wanted the kid to get some help from someone who could help her. Any chance of this? Or talking to the doctor-understanding it would be a one way conversation. Your concerns seem to fall on deaf ears with family.

June 23, 2006

The problem is not in the food; it's in the child's parents' attitude and, as you stated yourself, neglect. They let her eat whatever she wants as if it's spoiling a kid with toys and thus showing how much you love them and would do anything they want you to. I have a feeling that her parents don't spend enough time with her so they don't have the strength to say "no" to her demands.

It's extremely unhealthy to be a fat child - it leaves permanent consequences in the body, especially a female child's body.

I think you should educate your sister about the medical problems she risks to have later. Women who had been overweight in the puberty period (which your niece will soon enter) have a much greater risk of reproductive organs' cancer. Then heart diseases, high blood pressure, hormonal imbalance, you name it...

If I were you, I would also talk to the child. Explain to her that what she eats is not healthy and she will be very unhappy with her looks and heath some day. If you scare her enough, she will probably listen to you. Encourage her to ask for fruits and veggies, skimmed milk, chicken, fish, oatmeal, etc. If she has to have Coke, she better takes Diet Coke.

June 23, 2006

Well, maybe you could get her interested in cooking with you. You can tell her about how you want to be healthy and well and how food is so important to that and ask her to help you make a scrapbook of healthy recipes or help you cook healthy meals and snacks, which of course she'll want to try. Just taste test them first to be sure they're good.

The way I switched my own eating habits was to look for healthy foods that taste great - and there are plenty Maybe experiment with making tasty low-cal dips for veggies, try inventing nifty salads with fruit and veg in them, etc. There's lots of books and websites with kid-friendly healthy snack ideas that are fun like 'ants on a log'.

Thanks Outcast those were some great suggestions. I think if she wants to start coming over here more often to help care for the animals (perhaps I could say I NEED the help!) maybe I could also ask her to 'help' me make lunch or go shopping.

She is a kid who likes to help people out. If I approach it from that angle, may work.

June 23, 2006

If I were you, I would also talk to the child. Explain to her that what she eats is not healthy and she will be very unhappy with her looks and heath some day. If you scare her enough, she will probably listen to you. Encourage her to ask for fruits and veggies, skimmed milk, chicken, fish, oatmeal, etc. If she has to have Coke, she better takes Diet Coke.

Thanks RP, you have good points. THe problem is I have been asked to talk to them before (believe it or not, about a year ago they asked if I could sit down with niece and her mom to talk about healthy eating). The grandma also once asked me what kinds of snacks she should keep in her home for the niece when she came over.

This is why I am so livid! They heeded NONE of my advice.

I am reluctant to use scare tactics because my parents were so paranoid about fat when I was a kid I ended up with an eating disorder. I really think the ADULTS here need to change their own eating habits and start setting boundaries with the child.

June 24, 2006

My kids ask me if pizza or chocolate are healthy. They are only 7 and skinny and already want to know what's healthy. I injected that bug in their minds.

If you let your children eat junk all the time, how will they believe the magazines that it's not good for you when their own family encouraged them to eat junk?

My mom went so far, that she would tell them that if they don't eat, they risk to die of hunger and if they don't eat meat, they will stay small.

I had to interfere and re-asure them that things are not that bad, but it's good to eat healthy.

I have the problem with them not eating anything but burgers, some veggies and fruits (rarely), sandwiches, cereals, milk, juice, and of course, junk. They even say banana is yuck! So how do I make them eat green peas?

June 25, 2006

RP you're funny!

Getting kids to try new things is difficult. Kids are naturally suspicious of foods they are not accustomed to. I read somewhere that you need to introduce a food to a child a minimum of ten times before they'll try it.

So of course, the older they get....the harder it gets.

Sometimes 'hiding' fruits and vegetables in other foods, like muffins, helps. I know I made zucchini bread one time and my SO's niece really liked it. Of course, getting her to eat things isn't usually the problem.....but getting her to eat vegetables and like them is.

June 25, 2006

Peas taste great with mint. The reason kids don't like veggies is sometimes the veggies are overcooked or taste too bitter. Of course, you can always go the cheese sauce route for things like broccoli and cauliflower.

Soups are a good idea for putting veggies in. If you want to hide a lot of veggies, do a cream soup and puree the veggies. You can also grate veggies into meatloaf or burgers.

For fruit, make a dip. I've used a great dip made with yogurt and grated orange peel and poppyseeds. I think there was some honey or marmalade in it. Or try a light chocolate dip. You can also freeze bananas or make banana splits with low-fat ice cream and low-cal chocolate dip.

There are lots of cookbooks and kid cooking sites that give you recipes and ideas for getting kids to eat good food. It takes some imagination and some work but it's doable.

June 25, 2006