Jools Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I really don’t know whats going on with my gf lately. She’s quieter and is more distant, she doesn’t txt much any more, I may send her a txt and she wont reply all day and even if she does it’ll probably only be one or two words such as ‘no’ or ‘ok’ etc. Now it isn’t really that she isn’t txting, it’s more that she used to txt a lot more and was more chatty and now she isn’t and when I’m with her she frequently checks her phone and txts other people. She always seems to be in a bit of a mood, is easily annoyed and will disagree with me when I sate an opinion, even if it’s a reasonable point of view she’ll pick at it as if I’m totally in the wrong. Basically if I said something was black, she’d probably notice a spot of grey in the corner or something. I asked her what she was up to at the weekend and she said she was busy coz she had someone visiting, that’s fine, so I asked about next weekend and she said she didn’t know what she was doing yet. Is it unreasonable to expect that if she hasn’t got plans yet that she could make plans with me? It just seems like she’s waiting to see if she can arrange something else before she arranges anything with me. Now I’m not claiming to be an angel or anything but I haven’t done anything wrong to upset her, in fact if anything I’ll always consider her and when she snaps at me I’ll try and be calm and not snap back. I give her a lot of slack where others may have a go at her (not coz I’m a pushover but I appreciate she has other things going on in her life and I don’t want to add to them). I suppose if I’m honest i don’t talk about things that annoy me that much, I suppose its because deep down I’m worried that she may get upset etc and it may develop into an argument or something more. I still don’t know if she’s coming over tonight but if she does I’m going to ask her whats up. I sent her a txt last night asking her to let me in on whats been wrong lately and I’ll ask her again in person tonight. Although I expect she’ll just say she doesn’t want to talk about it or its private.
brightskies Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 How old are you both and how long have you been together? That affects how we see your situation. It's possible that she has something else on her mind that's bothering her, but off the cuff, it sounds like she's losing interest, sorry to say. Have you recently fought about something? Was there a problem between you two that wasn't resolved? Your idea of talking to her to get the actual story is a very good idea. Let her know, in a calm conversation, how she's been behaving as she might not realize it.
Author Jools Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 No we haven't fought about anything lately, can't say we've ever really fought about anything, disagreements yes but no fights. I'm 25, she's 21. Been friends for about a year, seeing each other for 4 1/2 months of that. I had been concerned that she may have been losing interest, we don't seem to go out that much etc. But when i ask her what she wants to do, does she want to go somewhere or do something she invariably says she just wants to stay in and watch a film? What can i do short of kidnapping her and taking her somewhere?
Tasteslikechicken Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 IMO she sounds like she is loosing/lost interest and is being unfair treating you like this. The lack of effort suggests that. My advice would be to sit her down and talk to her, find out what's going on, if only for your own sake, the news might be hard to take if there is anything wrong that is, but at least you know and can get on with your own life... Communication and honesty is key IMHO Good luck
Walk Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Based solely on what you posted... and I may be entirely wrong in this... I agree that it sounds as if she's losing interest. The other thing I noticed is you said you don't bring up things she may have done because you're worried it will upset her. There's a balance between letting small things go and letting your partner know they are starting to cross the line. Not sure how to say this clearly... People will always attempt to find the boundaries. It's human nature. How far can we push before the other person says no. We do it in subtle ways. Like being late without calling, or maybe we don't put our full effort into the relationship and let things slip some. If the other person doesn't mention it, doesn't seem bothered by it, then the behavior is enforced. But it increases. We start to lose respect for the other person. We start to feel the other person doesn't have boundaries, doesn't have a backbone per se. The more respect that is lost, the less "love" we feel for them. Until eventually, we lose interest in putting forth any effort toward keeping the relationship and may attempt to sabatoge it so that we(she) doesnt' have to be the bad guy and end it. In my opinion.. I think she lost respect for you. Sit her down and ask her what's going on in her head, but I don't think she'll give you any kind of an answer. Do your best to find out if there is something going on in her life that is pulling her away from you, give her the benefit of the doubt when you talk to her. But if at the end of the conversation, the two of you are no closer to a resolution that would satisfy you, then end the relationship. I've been in situations like this before, and it is far less painful to break it off right now then to let this drag out for another month, two months. And it might be the kick in the pants she needs in order to realize her behavior is not acceptable, and won't be tolerated. It may be enough for her to realize she is going to lose something if she doesn't change. On the other hand, she may be past caring whether she loses you or not. But I wouldn't allow this to drag out indefinitely. It'd be easier for you to make a clean break and begin healing, then to continue for months on end feeling second best to everything else in her life.
Walk Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 No we haven't fought about anything lately, can't say we've ever really fought about anything, disagreements yes but no fights. I'm 25, she's 21. Been friends for about a year, seeing each other for 4 1/2 months of that. I had been concerned that she may have been losing interest, we don't seem to go out that much etc. But when i ask her what she wants to do, does she want to go somewhere or do something she invariably says she just wants to stay in and watch a film? What can i do short of kidnapping her and taking her somewhere? I would plan something. Like dinner at a restaurant. Ask her to come with you. If she says she'd rather stay in, ask her why. If she has a legitimate reason (exhausted, sick) then fine. But if not, then tell her you're going out, that you'd like it if she joined you, but either way you are going out. Then go. My reasoning behind this is that she may be caught in a rut and probably won't want to go out. You have a 50/50 chance of it working. However, it sends the message to her that you aren't going to constantly do every single thing she wants all the time. That you do have a choice in whether to spend your time with her or not. Telling her that you would like her to come with you lets her know you want to share this with her. But also sends the message that if she doesn't want to put the effort into doing things you would like to do occasionally, then you aren't going to let it stop you from enjoying your life. Just a suggestion.
amerikajin Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Been friends for about a year, seeing each other for 4 1/2 months of that. I had been concerned that she may have been losing interest, we don't seem to go out that much etc. But when i ask her what she wants to do, does she want to go somewhere or do something she invariably says she just wants to stay in and watch a film? What can i do short of kidnapping her and taking her somewhere? She's not only losing interest, she's already lost interest and is starting to pull out of the relationship. Losing interest comes before the actual physical separation from the relationship. She probably started losing interest somewhere around two months ago - it took about a month later for her to actually start showing you that she had already lost interest. She's at the "I couldn't give a rats ass whether you come or go" stage in the relationship, and unless you can introduce something new into the relationship, you two are going to part ways soon. If it were me, I would just be upfront with her. I would ask her if she has an interest in continuing the relationship. Be prepared for the worst, but if she says 'I don't know or maybe' then use that as your last shot at turning this thing around. I would try to do something spontaneous or fun a time or two. Think hard about what might turn her on and try it. And if you still have no luck, then honestly, you need to find someone you're more compatible with.
brightskies Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I agree that it sounds as if she's losing interest. The other thing I noticed is you said you don't bring up things she may have done because you're worried it will upset her. There's a balance between letting small things go and letting your partner know they are starting to cross the line. Not sure how to say this clearly... People will always attempt to find the boundaries. It's human nature. How far can we push before the other person says no. We do it in subtle ways. Like being late without calling, or maybe we don't put our full effort into the relationship and let things slip some. If the other person doesn't mention it, doesn't seem bothered by it, then the behavior is enforced. But it increases. We start to lose respect for the other person. We start to feel the other person doesn't have boundaries, doesn't have a backbone per se. The more respect that is lost, the less "love" we feel for them. Until eventually, we lose interest in putting forth any effort toward keeping the relationship and may attempt to sabotage it so that we(she) doesnt' have to be the bad guy and end it. In my opinion.. I think she lost respect for you. Sit her down and ask her what's going on in her head, but I don't think she'll give you any kind of an answer. Do your best to find out if there is something going on in her life that is pulling her away from you, give her the benefit of the doubt when you talk to her. But if at the end of the conversation, the two of you are no closer to a resolution that would satisfy you, then end the relationship. She's not only losing interest, she's already lost interest and is starting to pull out of the relationship. Losing interest comes before the actual physical separation from the relationship. She probably started losing interest somewhere around two months ago - it took about a month later for her to actually start showing you that she had already lost interest. She's at the "I couldn't give a rats ass whether you come or go" stage in the relationship, and unless you can introduce something new into the relationship, you two are going to part ways soon. Paydirt! Excellent points. Jools, these posters hit it right on the head.
Author Jools Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 Thanks for the replies, the general concensus is that she's lost interest. I'm not too sure, i walked her to the station last night and she said that what was 'wrong' was 'private and one of those things other people aren't meant to know'. I get the feeling that she has something on her mind and just doesn't want to share it, i appreciate that we don't have to tell each other EVERYTHING but i am still a bit upset she wont tell me. If she's acting different then it must be something pretty serious i reckon, i'm just concerned about her. She's staying over tonight and so i'm going to make sure she's ok, not going to pressure her to tell me what it is but will ask her about 'us' and how she's been very quiet etc.
brightskies Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Consider LS your private journal of sorts; I wouldn't recommend showing her your posts or even discussing the fact that you've been sharing your problems on here. Naturally, she might feel like her privacy has been invaded. As for her saying that everyone's take on the situation is completely off, that's possible. Bide your time and try not to get so wrapped up in her reactions. If we're wrong and something else is troubling her, I hope that she'll be honest with you about it. That way you can support her as she needs it.
Author Jools Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 brightskies - I haven't discussed LS with her. Basically i asked her what was wrong and she was saying she didn't want to talk about it as it was private and didn't want to share it with anyone. Like i say i'll dig a little deeper (considerately of course) tonight, to see if she's ok, even if she wont tell me exactly whats up
Walk Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 I'm the type of person who feels that there are certain aspects that dont' need to be shared with our SO. Things we keep to ourselves for whatever reason. My rule on this though, is that if it begins to affect the other person, then I have to communicate with my SO. Otherwise it's not fair to him. At the very least, I explain how I feel in general terms. That I'm stressed, worried, upset, unhappy, depressed.. etc. And that it doesn't have anything to do with him, but that I'm not ready to talk about it yet. He respects me enough not to push it. The difference though... I don't spend my time talking and texting with other people when I'm supposed to be with him. I still attempt to spend time with my bf, and I make plans to be with him in advance. And i realize I'm probably going to be moodier or more easily upset, so I let him know this in advance, and try hard to moderate my reactions. Its okay for your girl to have problems she doesn't feel ready to share yet. But the way she's acting isn't fair to you. It doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Being argumentative, spending her time with other people rather than you, texting and calling others while she should be spending time with you, constantly checking the phone... To me it seems selfish. She doesn't have to be happy and super affectionate, but some common curteousy wouldn't hurt her. You know her best, and if you believe her then do what you feel is best. I try to live by the "do unto others" rule. How would your gf feel if you treated her the same way as she's treating you, with as little communciation on it as she's given you? I would bet she'd throw a fit. It's the hypocritical element of an SO's actions that end up bothering me in my relationships. Ok for that person to do, but if I do it then they get pissed. So I'm not as forgiving in that aspect as I once was. Anyway, you know her best, so I know you'll do what's best for the situation to come to a comprimise both of you will be happy with.
brightskies Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 brightskies - I haven't discussed LS with her. Basically i asked her what was wrong and she was saying she didn't want to talk about it as it was private and didn't want to share it with anyone. Like i say i'll dig a little deeper (considerately of course) tonight, to see if she's ok, even if she wont tell me exactly whats up Gotcha; misread your post. It's just strange how she says the problem is private and not connected to you, but she seems to be taking out some of her frustration on you anyway. That part could just be because you're close to each other and she's comfortable showing you her "bad side." Nonetheless, the way she's treating you is still inconsiderate. Might be best to give her some space for a while. Back off a bit and don't plan around her/call her so much.
amerikajin Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Jools, I think there are some things that are 'private', but I just don't think that's the real issue here - I think what she means is that she knows there's something on her mind with respect to the relationship but she doesn't yet want to tell you about it. Save some sort of extremely private health or family problem, I can't imagine what would be so private that she shouldn't talk to her boyfriend about it. I'm usually pretty open about things with my s.o. - maybe not in the first few weeks or couple of dates, but by month four? Yeah, I'd think that's a time when you could start talking and sharing things about each other. That's why I don't buy her excuse. But even so, I think there's only so much you can do about it. If it were me, I'd look at the bottom line and think about how you feel in the relationship. Think about how her actions make you feel right now - pretty low, right? She's blowing you off pretty much, and you don't have to accept that, no matter what's on her mind. Think about yourself first, and then, if you feel you have the courage to engage in a frank conversation with her, I'd just shoot straight and ask what's up, that you feel that you've been making an effort to stay in touch with her but that you sense she's pulling away - what's up? But moreoever, dude, be sure to start backing up your talk with more action. She's pulling away, and guess what??? So should you. Maybe if you skip the night of your usual telephone call, that might get her attention. Maybe if you mirror what she does, that'll get her attention. She's hanging out with people on a Friday? Don't make plans with her then, just hang out with your buds. If she doesn't come calling? You know she really, really doesn't give a hoot about the relationship. If she does call, then you start having the frank discussion - in a gentleman's way of course, but direct and to the point.
Author Jools Posted June 30, 2006 Author Posted June 30, 2006 Well i managed to get a bit of time to have a chat with her last night and the long and the short if it is, she says, that she has various things she's gotta deal with at the moment, a couple of mates who are going thru a bad time that she is dedicating time to and stuff with her family. I said i felt like i was being ignored by her and she said 'if i was ignoring u, u would know about it, i wouldn't be talking to you at all' She also says that she sometimes just goes distant and that i'm not the only one she's being distant with. I know blokes aren't supposed to understand women but i haven't a clue with her sometimes. I'm still not totally happy, but at the moment i'm giving her some time to do what she has to do. I asked if she wanted me to leave her alone and she said no. I'll give her some time and see if things get sorted and begin to go back to normal. If not then i'll talk to her about it again. Its just very frustrating at the moment, trying to spend time with her, trying to talk with her and getting very little in return.
Lovegod Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 One of the biggest signs of her losing interest is a MAJOR change in her behavior. You've noticed this along with her brushing you off, giving all these vague answers, and beating around the bush. Basically i asked her what was wrong and she was saying she didn't want to talk about it as it was private and didn't want to share it with anyone. I'll tell you EXACTLY what's going through her mind. She debating on ditching you for some other guy. Now that you have this information, put all the pieces together. she says, that she has various things she's gotta deal with at the moment, a couple of mates who are going thru a bad time that she is dedicating time to and stuff with her family. She's trying to pull further and further away from you. She's trying to let you down nicely without "hurting your feelings too much". The ending of this relationship is getting dragged through the mud. Don't be shocked when she finally breaks it off with you. In fact, you'd be better off to end it right now. It'll save you all this frustration, confusion, emotional pain, and all those other crappy things you're feeling. I said i felt like i was being ignored by her and she said 'if i was ignoring u, u would know about it, i wouldn't be talking to you at all' She's REALLY beating around the bush. She would prefer to break up and "stay friends" instead of completely ignoring you. That's how women go about a breakup. They don't want a final "goodbye", they want their emotions to be at ease too. Don't give her what she wants. Give her what she needs: freedom from the relationship.
crazy_grl Posted June 30, 2006 Posted June 30, 2006 Jools, I have to commend you on not immediately making assumptions about her behavior. It's very possible that she's telling you the truth and you'd really regret it if you did something rash because you assumed she didn't want to be with you. If you trust her and believe what she told you, then give her some time and ask her to try to make some effort to improve at least a little so that you'll feel better about the relationship. That's not asking a lot. If she doesn't follow through, then you'll know that she's not very worried about your needs and you should move on.
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