confused423 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 so im a chilverous guy... i always open the door for her, i tell her i love her every day, i talk to her as often as possible, i drive about 200 miles every weekend to see her. ive gone to see her about 14 times shes come to me once. im younger and whenever we argue it always ends that im too imature to continue the convo. shes never told me shes sorry, she tells me that she makes sure that she never puts herself in position where she is wrong... whenever shes out with her friends i am not allowed to contact her until shes done... she drinks....i dont. id like to know if it is me whos being to pushy and to loving? i mean is that possible to love someone too much, obviously her and i have different views about showing our affection... should i try to stop being who i am and change into someone shed like me to be. should i just end this.... i love her and id like to continue but i really dont know if im secure enough with this. thanks for your advice!
Walk Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hmm... Your relationship sounds kind of one sided, from what you wrote. If you're the only one putting the effort toward seeing her on the weekends. Unless she has a really good reason she can't make the trip to see you half the time? Like no car? You can't have a good relationship if the other person isn't willing to comprimise. I don't see your gf comprimising at all. You stated she won't admit she is ever at fault. Part of what makes a relationship work is the ability to realize that both parties played a part in whatever argument occured. Sometimes its unintentional, like miscommunication. But if she can't see that she may have played a part in whatever occured, then she's placing the entire burden of the relationship squarely on your shoulders. She is disavowing any involvement or responsibility in the relationship. At that point, you don't have a relationship because you have no sharing and no comprimise. Have you talked to her about any of this? And if so, what did she say?
Author confused423 Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 i did talk to her about this, but what she suggested i do is act the same way. obviously i cant do that because if i did there would never be any communication at all. That and i sometimes get the routine comeback that im just to immature to understand. i mean how much maturity can someone gain by having two years in life more than i?
ashnicole Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 It sounds like your relationship is all about HER and what she wants. I wouldn't stand for it, personally. Relationships are 50/50, or none at all - according to me. You really need to tell her that something has got to change, or you're not going to be with her. Don't threaten her... just tell her that these are things that you really want to work on, if you guys really want this relationship to work. She doesn't sound like she's the type that wants to "work" for the relationship though... she just expects it to be what she wants all the time, or nothing at all. I'd leave if I were you.
Tim'sAngel Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 It sounds like the two of you are not compatible at all. A good and healthy relationship consist of two people who complete each other, who compliment each other. Of course, there will be differences as no two people are exactly alike, but for the most part, the two of you should be able to agree on majority of issues and there should be good communication where both of you are able to admit your faults and listen to what the other has to say. Notice I said BOTH of you, not just you alone! There are so many people out there that are compatible with you. Don't get stuck in a relationship that is not growing. A relationship is ever growing, you both keep learning things about each other and take notice in what yoy learrn. I would seriously reconsider your relationship with this women. She sounds highly selfish and self absorbed, and you seem quite the opposite. You deserve someone who will appriciate who you are and the things you do. Another thing is, why would she tel you you're too immature? Why would she want to be with an immature person? Sounds to me like she is manipulationg you.
Walk Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 i did talk to her about this, but what she suggested i do is act the same way. obviously i cant do that because if i did there would never be any communication at all. That and i sometimes get the routine comeback that im just to immature to understand. i mean how much maturity can someone gain by having two years in life more than i? Unless your verbal communication skills are vastly different from your written communication, then I doubt that you are the one with the immaturity problem. It's an excuse she's using. A trump card. One you can't refute since you are "younger" than she is. And no matter how hard you fight her on it, it will just prove the point. However, it's a cop out on her part. Instead of addressing your issues, she's sidestepping any responsibility and disavowing any wrong doing by pointing the finger back at you. You know you're not "immature". Deep down inside you realize this, right? Simply because you may lack a couple of years experience in some areas doesn't mean you don't know when you're getting shafted. You're doing the mature thing by attempting to talk to her about it. She's being immature by pointing the finger back at you. Maturity means we accept responsibility for our part in life. If what we are doing is causing pain in someone else, then we address that. If our partner comes to us with a problem, a mature adult understands that it needs to be addressed in order for the relationship to progress. So I'm not understanding how you can be immature for coming forward with a problem. However, her response that you're immature sounds as if she's talking about her actions more than yours. People who don't want to change will use any excuse in the book for why it's your fault that there's a problem. They don't want to comprimise with you, and they don't want to acknowledge that there is a problem, because to them, everything is great. She gets a relationship where you do all the work to maintain it, she gets complete freedom whenever she wants it, and whenever you argue she gets to pull this trump card that you buy into because you think there may be some truth to it. Stop believing that you're immature. You're an adult. You know right from wrong, and you know your feelings better than anyone else. You don't have to buy into her blatant attempt to redirect the blame. Don't try to defend yourself from this accusation, or it'll feed into it. Just stop the conversation as soon as she says it, and let her know that when, or if, she is able to discuss the problems rationally and logically, then she can contact you. Otherwise, the conversation is over. Calling someone immature is an insult. And I strongly disagree in insulting your significant other when that person has come forward to say they are having a problem. To me, it's like calling someone stupid. You don't do it to someone you love. She could say she doesn't see things the same as you. She could point out why she doesn't see things in the same light. She could give her reasons for her actions. But bringing it down to "your immature" brings any adult discussion on the subject to a dead halt.
crazy_grl Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 What Walk said. I think you're wasting your efforts on the wrong girl. You sound like a good guy and a good bf. I suggest you get out now before she screws up your head and you end up like some of these guys who get really hurt by her type and start thinking they have to be a jerk to keep a girl. Move on to someone who values what you have to offer.
Author confused423 Posted June 21, 2006 Author Posted June 21, 2006 i see what your all saying, and truthfully its not the first time ive heard this, friends and family confirm. But im facing the same problem as i did when they tried to help. i just cant see her faults, i love her and somehow that love clouds me, i dont mind being run over well it hurts but i guess somehow i want leaving to be the only option and for now theres still a hairs worth of light sputtering through the door, i dont know why i cant see it as one sided, i do buy into what she tells me alot, i guess if i simply stopped doing that i might be able to see her for who she really is instead of who i want her to be... its hard to realize that the relationship is going downhill with not much to do about it, and even harder to act on it until it reaches rock bottom...
crazy_grl Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 For you, what will it take for you to decide that your relationship has hit bottom? Are you just going to stick around and take the scraps of affection she throws you until she finally decides that she's through with you? It really doesn't sound like she respects you. If she won't acknowlege your concerns, I don't see any way to get through to her other than to start playing her game and treat her like she's been treating you. That is: don't go see her, don't try to talk to her about the relationship, and when she does want to talk, ignore her concerns and tell her she's too serious. Eventually, you'll probably have her running after you, but it won't be for you. It'll just be because you've become a challenge. It might not work, because she might be too far gone already and looking for any reason to get out, but if anything is going to work, that probably will. Of course, I don't think you should do that, because if you have to treat someone you love like you don't give a sh*t about them then I don't think there's any point in actually being with them.
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