Commitment Phobic?

[Lollie72]

Hi,

 

I think I'm married to(seperated from) a commitment phobic. He sabatoges our time together with distractions like movies or sits at the computer all day. I looked up the definition and his fear of being controlled was a huge huge red flag. Anyone know this type of guy-cannot bond.

 

Lollie72

[Smung]

People who have issues with commitment is not worth your time! I just got out of a relationship with one and it only ends in YOU getting hurt.

 

Run don't walk away!!

[rkman]

From the brief description I'd bet he is a tad depressed probably coupled wiht other issues. Try to get him to see someone about it. I went through a horrible depression once, didn't even know I was in that state until it was too late. It's amazing how your mind can fool you.

[riobikini]

Lollie,

 

I agree with rkman, that your description was limited, but if your guy *is* a CP, -take the advice given by Smung: " Run -don't walk away!"

 

True CP's seem to, simultaneously, embrace and avoid the traditional, expected goals and outcomes of the rituals of dating leading to further commitment.

 

They subtley -and skillfully- encourage particular elements of a romantic relationship that reflect the ideals and dreams of nearly anybody who ever had a thought about a serious, meaningful, -and lasting- relationship, and they keep *only the promise* burning indefinately.

 

It's always a loose-ended but *promising* goose-chase -yet, it never quite reaches the "Action!" point.

 

You can be stuck for *years* in a go-nowhere relationship with a CP, and *never* reach the fulfillment of your life's hope of the security and comfort of a meaningful realtionship, in a more traditional, *together* sense.

 

Speaking from my own experience with CP's, as well as my gathered experience from others, formation of a relationship with a CP only causes you to wind up wasting your precious time, emotions, -and *life*- chasing after a pipe dream that has little chance of ever happening.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[norajane]

Actually, he sounds like he has fear of intimacy rather than commitment...he did commit by getting married (and I assume is not cheating), but he won't get close to you.

 

Google "fear of intimacy" and read about it - you might get some hints on how to make it easier him to open up to you and your relationship.

[RecordProducer]

Hi,

 

I think I'm married to(seperated from) a commitment phobic. He sabatoges our time together with distractions like movies or sits at the computer all day. I looked up the definition and his fear of being controlled was a huge huge red flag. Anyone know this type of guy-cannot bond.

 

Lollie72

1. I don't understand how you can characterize someone who married you as a commitment phobic. I think you simply didn't get along.

 

2. Many women complain about their husbands sitting on the computer (including myself and he complains that I sit on the computer all the time). They get comfortable when they get married and don't care so much about being romantic. My hubby asked me: "Would you like me to walk behind you and kiss you and hug you all the time?"

 

I said: "That would be good!"

 

3. Control freaks DO like to be married - it provides them with staff to organize and lead.

 

4. I think you had a trouble accepting his faults (lack of attention and affection, stubbornness and strong personality, etc.) which led to arguments and him playing emotional games with you. You probably had many ups and downs and before you know, he realized you were unhappy with him and he was unhappy with you. And he left...

[overseas2004]

All I can say is that I am quoting you because this is exactly what I just went through.

 

Lollie,

 

I agree with rkman, that your description was limited, but if your guy *is* a CP, -take the advice given by Smung: " Run -don't walk away!"

 

True CP's seem to, simultaneously, embrace and avoid the traditional, expected goals and outcomes of the rituals of dating leading to further commitment.

 

They subtley -and skillfully- encourage particular elements of a romantic relationship that reflect the ideals and dreams of nearly anybody who ever had a thought about a serious, meaningful, -and lasting- relationship, and they keep *only the promise* burning indefinately.

 

It's always a loose-ended but *promising* goose-chase -yet, it never quite reaches the "Action!" point.

 

You can be stuck for *years* in a go-nowhere relationship with a CP, and *never* reach the fulfillment of your life's hope of the security and comfort of a meaningful realtionship, in a more traditional, *together* sense.

 

Speaking from my own experience with CP's, as well as my gathered experience from others, formation of a relationship with a CP only causes you to wind up wasting your precious time, emotions, -and *life*- chasing after a pipe dream that has little chance of ever happening.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Lollie72]

From the brief description I'd bet he is a tad depressed probably coupled wiht other issues. Try to get him to see someone about it. I went through a horrible depression once, didn't even know I was in that state until it was too late. It's amazing how your mind can fool you.

 

is a long as the NILE river...unfortunately.

[Lollie72]

1. I don't understand how you can characterize someone who married you as a commitment phobic. I think you simply didn't get along.

 

2. Many women complain about their husbands sitting on the computer (including myself and he complains that I sit on the computer all the time). They get comfortable when they get married and don't care so much about being romantic. My hubby asked me: "Would you like me to walk behind you and kiss you and hug you all the time?"

 

I said: "That would be good!"

 

3. Control freaks DO like to be married - it provides them with staff to organize and lead.

 

4. I think you had a trouble accepting his faults (lack of attention and affection, stubbornness and strong personality, etc.) which led to arguments and him playing emotional games with you. You probably had many ups and downs and before you know, he realized you were unhappy with him and he was unhappy with you. And he left...

 

His father figure was insanely controlling. And it was all about money. My spouse started fuming at me the day after we married beause I spent two bucks as a dollar store to buy a wash cloth for our kitchen....he had over $5,000 in the bank.

 

No. 4 is messed up, he's dependent emotionally, cannot voice his opinion or make decisions for himself, just makes the ones I give advice on then if it goes wrong it's not his fault...blames me....or who ever gave him the advice. He's a chameleon...he does what HE THINKS YOU WANT at all times instead of asking what you your opinion is for entertainment etc..then is angry and short tempered because he didn't state his own needs..

[RecordProducer]

His father figure was insanely controlling. And it was all about money. My spouse started fuming at me the day after we married beause I spent two bucks as a dollar store to buy a wash cloth for our kitchen....he had over $5,000 in the bank.

 

No. 4 is messed up, he's dependent emotionally, cannot voice his opinion or make decisions for himself, just makes the ones I give advice on then if it goes wrong it's not his fault...blames me....or who ever gave him the advice. He's a chameleon...he does what HE THINKS YOU WANT at all times instead of asking what you your opinion is for entertainment etc..then is angry and short tempered because he didn't state his own needs..

Oh, then he is unstable (and stingy about money), but you can't speak of commitment phobia when you're married.

 

You're probably better off without him. No kids?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Lolly: " His father figure was insanely controlling. And it was all about money. My spouse started fuming at me the day after we married beause I spent two bucks as a dollar store to buy a wash cloth for our kitchen....he had over $5,000 in the bank.

 

No. 4 is messed up, he's dependent emotionally, cannot voice his opinion or make decisions for himself, just makes the ones I give advice on then if it goes wrong it's not his fault...blames me....or who ever gave him the advice. He's a chameleon...he does what HE THINKS YOU WANT at all times instead of asking what you your opinion is for entertainment etc..then is angry and short tempered because he didn't state his own needs.."

 

 

Now we're getting somewhere -information that begins to state -more clearly- some of the history needed to speak further on this problem.

 

I normally don't like to assume that someone's behavior is totally dependent on how they were raised by their parents: people can change and become *quite different* than how they were raised.

 

But in this case, the longterm effect of a parent having obsessive -and, perhaps, abusive- control over a growing, developing child *can* and *does* quite frequently have a continued effect on their thinking and behavior, -until it is dealt with, often through counseling.

 

If your husband was raised by a parent described as overly controlling and demanding, there *had* to have been something else present, as well: fear.

 

And, because of that fear, people -especially children- desperately seek out and learn ways to adapt to a controlling parent or person having a role of authority over them.

 

With children, they begin to live with the notion that it is better to *please* the control-abusive person in order to avoid any confrontation or possible discipline. They may become 'approval seekers', in that nearly *anything* is worth it to 'keep the peace'.

 

This kind of adaption to the situation can cause the development of resentment and bitterness, and lead to emotional problems, as well as depression.

 

A child can carry these experiences into their adulthood, and if there has been no self-induced positive readjustment or professional counseling implemented, they are more likely to suffer with continued negative longterm effects from having been raised by the control-abusive parent.

 

Built-up, undealt-with resentment over many years, alone, regarding *anything* from our pasts, can be considered a 'loose cannon', and can develop into mild or more serious problems, without reliable determination, during any time, in *any* type of relationship: i.e. romantic, familial, or work-related.

 

How -and when- resentment progresses into angry eruptions and, perhaps, physical violence, probably depends most, on the severity of past abusive control from the parent, how *long* the person endured, *how* well they endured, coped, and adapted, -and exactly what emotional experiences just happen to be present -in the moment- that induces the need to vent.

 

They may not deal with the effects of their past in expected ways, either: they may become such approval-seeking 'pleasers' in adulthood, that, from a friendly distance, an outsider may believe they have met the 'ideal' 'do-gooder', -a bonafide humanitarian, -of sorts.

 

People who are closer-related in more binding relationships, such as family, or romantic partners, may see a different aspect to the personality of such a person: one where long bouts of depression, and a seeming social detachment, or even outbursts of sudden anger come into play, -suddenly, and with no warning.

 

The person who has experienced overly controlling parenting, with mild or severe abusive overtones, will probably, when given the opportunity to express his opinion, or approval/disapproval, like or dislike for something, -choose not to state his *true* opinion.

 

Often, he 'goes along' to 'get along', and waits for the expected, familiar emotions of resentment to appear, if the decision made by someone else is in error.

 

I will stop here, before this becomes a book, (not my intention to be lengthy- just helpful).

 

Lolly, if what I've said above describes your husband's behavior, I think he may benefit from counseling, at least, suggest it to him.

 

If it only partially describes some of his behavior, then I *still* think counseling could help you both get to the bottom of whatever the *real* problem is.

 

*No one* can correctly diagnose *anyone's* problems from this site, -but there are wonderful professionals who are trained specifically in behavioral health who are dedicated to correcting similar problems resulting from difficult and painful past experiences.

 

I wish you (and your husband) *all the best*, (Smile) -and hope I've said something here, to help you.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

P.S. *If* my suspicions are correct, your husband's father had a real big 'thing' about money, and an admiration for frugality. This would explain the blow-up over the $2 dishcloth.

[Lollie72]

We've covered a lot of the ground your just described, and now that the parent is recently passed, he's more Sainted in my spouse's eyes, "Don't speak ill of the dead!" and such as that. My spouse lives in denialland-which I no longer can live with. He constatnly reacts to his internal dialogue one I cannot hear but see much evidence of. I can know what's going on, but he won't choose private counseling. It is much easier to play victim and accuser of me, as if I were his persecuting parent from the past. I'm now reading up on Paranoid and Borderline personality disorders. Either way if he chooses to not begin to change, I'll be filing for a divorce very very soon. I've had tiny inclings of hope, only to be told I'm his persecutor once again.

[Alexandra]

I'm now reading up on Paranoid and Borderline personality disorders. Either way if he chooses to not begin to change, I'll be filing for a divorce very very soon. I've had tiny inclings of hope, only to be told I'm his persecutor once again.

 

It indeed sounds complicated. Several potential diagnosis lend themselves but as Rio aptly put it, no one can produce an accurate one on this site. Furthermore, and please don't take this the wrong way neither can you. Simply because, even if you were a brilliant phychologist, you are too emotionally invested and anything you read, any list of behavioural acts as symptoms will partly ring true. What he needs is indeed individual therapy and failing that couples' therapy as if you search hard enough you should be able to find an inter-disciplinary therapist (e.g. a CBT specialist doing marriage counseling too).

 

Good luck.

[riobikini]

Lolly,

 

I agree that the so-called 'sainthood' of your husband's father is now, a new monkey-wrench thrown in to further aggravate the original problem.

 

Now, it becomes even more difficult for your husband to reach for help, - your husband may be grieving what *he* never had control over, nor courage to do: a way to tell his father that he loves him *despite* the longterm damage that's been done.

 

This is truly a sad situation from all views: your disintegrating marriage, the wrongs of your husband's past, and the possibility that both of you will have to live with the painful effects delivered from a discompassionate man that, now, has had to reconcile his wrongdoing with his Maker, -person-to-person.

 

It would be too great a pride-stride for me to say that your father-in-law did not fare too well with that meeting, -and I will stay out of an arena I have not yet experienced- but for whatever it's worth, I believe that he *was* allowed to see his errors in parenting, as well as everything else.

 

In closing, I still wish you the best, -and hope that your situation *does* improve, perhaps, miraculously, -and that your husband uses the emotions rendered from his father's passing as an opportunity to grow, change, and learn to live happily.

 

For *both* your sakes.

 

Take care.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio