Author john1776 Posted June 22, 2006 Author Posted June 22, 2006 I figured it couldn't hurt to ask her directly if she was happy with the way our relationship is. So I did something halfway of what some of you suggested that I should do. Some of you suggested that I talk to her about our preferences of contact & frequency. I haven't talked to her about that as of yet. I'm trying to think of reasons that she might have to lie to me about her happiness in the relationship. Have any of you women out there lied about something like that? What reasons did you have for lying? Is it just because you didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings? Don't get me wrong. Whether she's happy or not that's not an excuse to get comfortable in my relationship. I want to be kept on my toes at all times. That's one reason I read these guides on LS. The guides help keep me on my toes.
lonelybird Posted June 22, 2006 Posted June 22, 2006 guide and rules add more stress. different people different case
Guest100 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 Good for you on finally asking her instead of wondering.I just ended a r/ship because there was not enough communication.I'm completely against all those r/ship guides bcoz to me,all the tell u is how to play games.You need to learn what your girl likes and how she likes it and just do it.I would so prefer that than all that waiting for him to call or waiting b4 i call him.
Author john1776 Posted June 25, 2006 Author Posted June 25, 2006 Either my girlfriend has an ulterior motive that I can't put my finger on or I'm one of those guys who has one of those *rare* relationships talked about on here.
sunnie23 Posted June 26, 2006 Posted June 26, 2006 hey john, why do you think she has an ulterior motive? why can't you just accept that everything is fine? you seem to be searching for something to be wrong. it makes me wonder one of two things: a) you don't feel you deserve a decent relationship with a good person or b) you are searching for a reason to end the relationship are you happy with all other aspects? you seem to really care for your girlfriend, so i am more inclined to believe that it's just a case of good old insecurity. either way, i would relax with asking her constantly how she feels about you. it can be exhausting constantly reassuring someone about your feelings. i could be wrong, but thats just my two cents.
Author john1776 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She initiated tonight's phone call. I have not initiated contact with her since saturday morning. I've been hiding from her by not getting on messenger. Toward the end of the conversation she said she called to tell me goodnight. I asked her if that was the only reason and then she said that she also wanted to see what I was doing since she had not talked to me in 2 days. I just replied by saying "has it been that long?" I played dumb. I let her do about 63% of the talking. The conversation lasted 27 minutes. If she calls me for the sole purpose of telling me goodnight does that prove she's not into me? Does that mean she's not really coming to me? I always answer her calls if I'm available just so that she knows that my door is open for communication. I don't ignore her calls. I just pull back a little when I sense that she's pulling away. As the saying goes "pursue a shadow and it will flee but flee a shadow and it will pursue." I answer her calls as a way of letting her catch me if she is pursuing me. I'm not going to keep running if she is coming to me.
confused423 Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 actually her calling you to tell you goodnight, means that shes thinking about you. I dont know how common it is for the two of you to talk but in my case when my gf calls its to comfort her before she sleeps. so i say its a good thing. I still think your playing games, if you really love her then you should be able to talk to her about these things and work them out together, you obviously want to talk more, so tell her. By doing this everything gets brought into the open and theres no more guesswork. Still by doing this, it is sort of asking for trouble if theres trouble to be had. Thats up to you tho, are you going to start sharing your feelings with her and find her reaction now, or wait until it comes out at another time and more often than not, the conditions wont be as plesent as they are now. I mean after 3.5 years she should have the understanding to value your feelings.
Walk Posted June 27, 2006 Posted June 27, 2006 I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She initiated tonight's phone call. I have not initiated contact with her since saturday morning. I've been hiding from her by not getting on messenger. Toward the end of the conversation she said she called to tell me goodnight. I asked her if that was the only reason and then she said that she also wanted to see what I was doing since she had not talked to me in 2 days. I just replied by saying "has it been that long?" I played dumb. I let her do about 63% of the talking. The conversation lasted 27 minutes. Your gf is going to get fed up with your behavior one of these days, hopefully soon. You hardly talk to her, you hardly initiate contact, you act like you didn't miss her or even notice you hadn't talked to her in a long while. You're controlling and manipulative, and then you ask if she really loves you?!? If I were in her shoes, I'd be asking why I was wasting my time on a jerk who was hiding from me!
Author john1776 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I forgot to mention that I answered the phone on the 3rd ring. I didn't want to look like I was despearately waiting for her to call me. I don't see it as playing games. I see it as me putting up boundaries to protect my heart. Why should I give her the luxury of feeling comfortable in the relationship when I don't feel comfortable and I feel like I could lose her any minute? She needs to feel like she could lose me too. I guess I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. All I know is that she'll never miss me if I call everyday. The only way I could see her getting fed up with my behavior is if she's under some kind of pressure or obligation to call me. I guess some of the posters don't understand that I have good intentions behind all of this. I don't want to pester her. I want to call everyday but if I do I feel like I'm pestering her. I don't want her to think that I have nothing better to do with my time. Do you think it's easy for me to limit my calls to twice a week? No it's not but I exercise self control because the rewards are worth it. Trust me. Some days I want to call and I find myself fighting hard to keep my hands off that damn phone! I try to stay busy with other activities & work to pass the time but that is still not enough to get her off of my mind. The whole point of playing dumb was so she would get the idea that it's not a big deal if we don't talk everyday. I'm showing her that I can live & function without her. Nobody wants a guy who acts so desperate that he can't live without a woman. What some of you see as playing games I see it as putting up walls of protection. Now if she starts to let her walls down then I will do the same.
Author john1776 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 I still have not figured out what her ulterior motive is yet. My girlfriend doesn't even want me reading these boards on LS. I have to sneak on here when she's not around. One of two things. Either she has ulterior motives for dating me or I have one of those *rare* relationships talked about here where I'm a lucky man. Do I feel it's too good to be true to be with a woman like her? absolutely. No I'm not looking for a reason to end the relationship unless it becomes painfully obvious that she's doing something behind my back. Otherwise I consider myself one of the lucky men out there with a rare relationship.
Author john1776 Posted June 27, 2006 Author Posted June 27, 2006 Your gf is going to get fed up with your behavior one of these days, hopefully soon. You hardly talk to her, you hardly initiate contact, you act like you didn't miss her or even notice you hadn't talked to her in a long while. You're controlling and manipulative, and then you ask if she really loves you?!? If I were in her shoes, I'd be asking why I was wasting my time on a jerk who was hiding from me! How am I controlling and manipulative when I'm the one leaving her alone to live her own life and take care of her own responsibilites? How is it controlling when I'm not pestering her everyday? I'm not being a distraction to her in any way. Like I said I don't ignore her calls. I keep my door open if she wants to call.
7on Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I still have not figured out what her ulterior motive is yet. My girlfriend doesn't even want me reading these boards on LS. I have to sneak on here when she's not around. One of two things. Either she has ulterior motives for dating me or I have one of those *rare* relationships talked about here where I'm a lucky man. Do I feel it's too good to be true to be with a woman like her? absolutely. No I'm not looking for a reason to end the relationship unless it becomes painfully obvious that she's doing something behind my back. Otherwise I consider myself one of the lucky men out there with a rare relationship. Sneaking is never good in a relationship. You sneak when you want to hide something. An affair, robbing a bank, cheating on a test... rarely does sneaking involve something good. If your GF doesn't want you on here you should probably talk to her about it. My girl IMs practically everyday (or emails if I'm not on). She's studying abroad and sometimes misses communicating if she has quizzes or papers. In fact she's even hinted that I don't email enough, then complained that I was emailing too much ;-) Though she kids like that. Sarcastically.
Walk Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 How am I controlling and manipulative when I'm the one leaving her alone to live her own life and take care of her own responsibilites? How is it controlling when I'm not pestering her everyday? I'm not being a distraction to her in any way. Like I said I don't ignore her calls. I keep my door open if she wants to call. I'm probably a little too sensitive right now on the subject of intentionally acting a certain way to get someone else to respond out of fear or intimdation... But having said that... I think what you're doing is creating walls where none existed. You haven't said anything regarding your gf's behavior that would even hint that she's feeling overwhelmed by you, or sick of you, or even unhappy with you. Not a word, or action. At least none that you've mentioned. So why are you creating walls when none existed? And to intentionally act to create a sense of instability and emotional turmoil in the person you love... geesh. Seems rather cruel to me. I believe full hearted that couples need to appreciate each other and not get so comfortable in a relationship that they forget how important the other person is. But I think you fear the middle ground. The comfortable zone where both of you appreciate each other and show that appreication. I think you're far more comfortable if she's feeling a little off kilter, where she's constantly doing the chasing, constantly re-filling your ego so that you don't have that self-doubt creeping in. You may not mean harm, but sometimes our best intentions do cause harm. Then again, I think you already classified me as 'naive'. I wish I was.
Author john1776 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 Well before anyone will accuse me of being a real ass I just wanted to let you know that I have every intention of calling my girlfriend later this morning to find out how her doctor's appointment went yesterday afternoon. The very fact that I would call and ask her should send the message to her that I am interested in her bill of health. I have a specific reason for calling. I'm not calling just to chit chat. Now if she has something to say I will stay on the line and hear her out. I listen attentively by the way. I don't just sit there and nod my head. I'm not going to be eager to get off the phone. I usually let her end the conversation first anyway. I believe a good communiator knows when to speak and knows when to listen. God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth because we need to do more listening and less talking especially us men. At least 70% listening and at most 30% talking. Communicate by action and listening and when necessary use words.
Laura_t Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 My boyriend calls me every single day even if we do see each other every day... it can get annoying sometimes but its worth it jsut to hear his sweet voice
Pink Amulet Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 Would he care that everyone on here can nearly see your vagina? Just curious? Some men are okay with it.
Laura_t Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I dunno lol... he probs wudn't agree but he isn't gunna no so wot harm cud it do
littlekitty Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 John, a good relationship isn't about playing games, reading guides and adhering to rules. Who's ever they are! A good relationship is about following your heart and doing what feels right and good. Putting stipulations on when and how you choose to speak to your girlfriend, and then fretting she doesn't call you enough is ridiculous to say the least. That's not a loving, caring, free relationship. It's one that is being manipulated by one of the people in the relationship. IMO that never works out for the best in the long run.
Author john1776 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 John, a good relationship isn't about playing games, reading guides and adhering to rules. Who's ever they are! A good relationship is about following your heart and doing what feels right and good. Putting stipulations on when and how you choose to speak to your girlfriend, and then fretting she doesn't call you enough is ridiculous to say the least. That's not a loving, caring, free relationship. It's one that is being manipulated by one of the people in the relationship. IMO that never works out for the best in the long run. I think that following your heart is a guide in and of itself. Who's to say that following your heart is the right thing to do either? What if your heart is lying to you? The heart can be deceitful. Feelings can lie to you too. If everybody just did what felt right then everything would be chaos. I believe you gotta have boundaries & guidelines in any relationship. So if you advise people to follow their hearts then that too is a guide you have created. Even the guide that says "follow your heart" is not gospel. Just because something feels right to me does not make it right. I might feel totally good about calling my girlfriend twice a day but it would still be wrong. Alot of things in life that feel good are just wrong and sometimes dangerous.
littlekitty Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 I think that following your heart is a guide in and of itself. Who's to say that following your heart is the right thing to do either? What if your heart is lying to you? The heart can be deceitful. Feelings can lie to you too. If everybody just did what felt right then everything would be chaos. I believe you gotta have boundaries & guidelines in any relationship. So if you advise people to follow their hearts then that too is a guide you have created. Even the guide that says "follow your heart" is not gospel. I agree that you need boundries and guidelines in a relationship. You also need to set each other expectations of each other. You've set an expectation that she MUST call you every day without telling her, and then when she doesn't do it, you complain. You're setting guidelines and boundries that aren't helping your relationship. You've taken Cali's words as gospel and are following them to the letter. You're right, following your heart completely isn't always the best choice. One must use their head and their heart together to guide them. What I was trying to say, is that if you want to speak to her, then call her. Don't stipulate to yourself, 'ohhh Cali said I should wait 3 days, it's only been 2'. That's just dumb, and it's not going to work long term. The best relationships I've had are the ones where I've felt comfortable enough to feel that if I want to call him anytime I can. And I've done so when I've wanted to. And it's worked. The poor girl probably doesn't understand why you've gone from communicating with her freely as you so desire, to this new lack of contact rule you've set yourself. It must be confusing and some what painful for her I should imagine. Your now putting pressure on her to do all the work, while you sit back and stick to your rules she doesn't know anything about.
Author john1776 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 I agree that you need boundries and guidelines in a relationship. You also need to set each other expectations of each other. You've set an expectation that she MUST call you every day without telling her, and then when she doesn't do it, you complain. You're setting guidelines and boundries that aren't helping your relationship. You've taken Cali's words as gospel and are following them to the letter. You're right, following your heart completely isn't always the best choice. One must use their head and their heart together to guide them. What I was trying to say, is that if you want to speak to her, then call her. Don't stipulate to yourself, 'ohhh Cali said I should wait 3 days, it's only been 2'. That's just dumb, and it's not going to work long term. The best relationships I've had are the ones where I've felt comfortable enough to feel that if I want to call him anytime I can. And I've done so when I've wanted to. And it's worked. The poor girl probably doesn't understand why you've gone from communicating with her freely as you so desire, to this new lack of contact rule you've set yourself. It must be confusing and some what painful for her I should imagine. Your now putting pressure on her to do all the work, while you sit back and stick to your rules she doesn't know anything about. Actually I did call her this morning like I said I would earlier. I didn't set an expectation that she should call everyday. I started this thread out asking for opinions as to what is normal frequency that a girl will initiate phone calls if she's into me. I think I've gotten a better idea now that I've gotten plenty of responses. If it's normal for a girl not to call everyday then I don't have a problem with it. I'm trying to look for red flags that she's not into me. That's all!
Author john1776 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 A girl should be able to call a guy anytime she wants to but the same does not apply to guys.
littlekitty Posted June 28, 2006 Posted June 28, 2006 A girl should be able to call a guy anytime she wants to but the same does not apply to guys. Absolute f***ing bollocks.
Author john1776 Posted June 28, 2006 Author Posted June 28, 2006 I'm thinking about just dumping my girlfriend since the majority here has confirmed that my girlfriend is not into me. I mean if girls are going to look for reasons to dump me then why should I bother wanting to pursue them or be with them? If lack of sex is not the reason that she'll dump me then she'll dump me for something more trivial like weight gain or because I need a haircut, calling too much, calling too little, too much sex, too little sex. By the way if a guy wrote a thread complaining that his girlfriend only wanted sex on special occasions, all the women here would not recommend that he break up with her. They would tell him to be patient and try to work out some compromise. There's a double standard.
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