so ashamed Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together about 5 and 1/2 years. In the beginning of our relashionship it was modetaly quite good we were very in love and young. We drank a lot of alcohol usually about 3 5th's of vodka a week and after a while it began to affect our relashionship. He began hitting me, but only when he was drunk. Well we got drunk 1 day he kicked me in my sides in the shower floor so I left him. I went to my best friends house but she wasnt home so I decided Id go for a long walk. After about 30 mins I ran into well lets just call him Fred and we knew each other but not all that good, he was more of a getting high on weed buddy when I used to do that stuff. So he asks me if Id like to go with him to his uncles house for a few big parties, I dont know what I was thinking really but I agreed. I brought a lot of my cloths with me and spent aprox 2 weeks with him. After about 1 week of hanging out we ended up getting drunk and slept together. When I woke up the next day I felt terrible.( I still do deeply if not worse now) Well I called my bf on a payphone and he started crying on the phone telling me to come home so we can work things out. Well I did go home and we did work things out, he cut his drinking down to 1 time a week and stopped hitting me. Everyday I think about this and I am honestly so sorry for what I have did to him. He was my first and I still sometimes can't belive what I did. I know he has the right to know because it is his life and I have no right to be holding this from him cause it is outright bestrayal. But I do think if I told him he might kill me. Im not talking kill me like a joke I mean really kill me. I can honestly say that I know I would never cheat again, So should I tell him or should I take this to the grave with me. Now I know this will sound weird but sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so that it would be even. I dont know what to do I constantly think about it usually at night when we are lying in bed going to sleep, when I look at his face and think about what a good man he is and I sometimes start to get sick when I think about what I did to him. Its tearing my mind and soul apart.
sylviaguardian Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I dont know what to do I constantly think about it usually at night when we are lying in bed going to sleep, when I look at his face and think about what a good man he is and I sometimes start to get sick when I think about what I did to him. Its tearing my mind and soul apart. Are you crazy? A 'good man'? You are worried that he might kill you and you still think he is a good man? I know you think you love him but please believe me, any guy who has beaten you up in the past will do it again. Please get out before you have kids with this guy and they have to watch their mother being beaten up. Reading between the lines in your post, I suspect that you have issues from your past. You should not be ashamed of yourself. OK you made a silly mistake but he is the one who physically hurt another person. You can get help. There are confidential lines that you can ring up and they will help you sort out your head. If none of this sinks in, please think about this one thing: in relationships where a man has hit his partner in the past, it is VERY common for it to begin again when the woman is pregnant i.e. when she is completely vulnerable.
reservoirdog1 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 It sounds to me like you two were broken up when you slept with Fred, which means it wasn't cheating. In case I'm wrong about that: most people on this board, especially those who have been on the receiving end, would say that there is no excuse for infidelity. However, if anybody deserves a "get out of jail free" card after having strayed, it's you. You left the home you shared with your violent and abusive BF -- you know, the person who's supposed to stand up for you and protect you! I wouldn't really blame you for seeking that comfort and warmth, however fleeting, from somebody else, if the person you're SUPPOSED to be able to rely on for it beats you. I would seriously consider whether you should stay with him long term. Sure, he's not drinking right now. But what happens if he starts again? You might not be so lucky next time. Some say that a woman who is assaulted by her significant other is only completely blameless the first time it happens -- because she shouldn't have even been there for it to happen a second time. That's a bit harsh I realize, but the real meaning of that sentiment is that physical violence should be an automatic dealbreaker -- no second chances, that's it. People who are physically violent towards their SOs don't seem to change their ways very often.
crazy_grl Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I know you want advice about whether to tell your bf about sleeping with this other guy, and my advice is not to. That may have been the first time I've ever told someone that, but if you're afraid he'll kill you, then you should not tell him. You should simply leave and get as far away from him as you can. The main issue here isn't you sleeping with another guy. It's that your bf has hit and *kicked* you (drunk or not he still beat you) and you're not only accepting it but calling him a good man. That says to me that you've got some things you need to deal with from your past that aren't allowing you to see the severity of this situation. Anyway, you say he's cut down on his drinking but you didn't mention anything about him getting help from a counselor, AA or anybody. That means the chances it'll start up again (along with the beating) are pretty dang good. Please see a counselor or call a domestic abuse hotline if you need help leaving and/or dealing with other issues.
samsungxoxo Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 You weren't in a good relation from the start. Drunk or not drunk, there is no excuse on hitting someone and yet what I don't understand is why stay with him if he was physically abusive before??? I mean, when someone hits you, it changes your view you see towards that person completely and you get affected. Thus, it made you cheat on him, it was as a way out of your problem. On part of that, both of you have a problem with alcohol in which, must be address right away. As for telling, for about contacting the abusive hotline on that and make sure your family or if you have a brother, anyone is there with you when you tell him. By the look of his behavior it's very risky for you to tell him alone, do have someone with you. I also think you should then end the relation, not only will it be base on lies, trust issues, but the cycle of abuse will begin again, even worst once he knows and decides to forgive you, who knows what it's gonna be like.
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