Butterflying Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 ...the reason for the divorce?? If so, when is the best time to ask this question? If it's not appropriate to ask, how do you prevent the same problems from occuring in your current relationship?
Buttaflyy Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 ...the reason for the divorce?? If so, when is the best time to ask this question? If it's not appropriate to ask, how do you prevent the same problems from occuring in your current relationship? This is the reason why I'd ask. Or maybe not, but I'd still ask. I always ask about the last failed relationship anyway. Especially, if there are kids involved. That makes it easier.
BrandonBP Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 That's a really good question you have. It seems like the subject would normally come up on it's own. I think human nature makes us want to explain to a potential mate what happened in our last relationship that didn't work out. We don't want a new girlfriend applicant to wonder if we were somehow screwed up or crazy. If they don't bring it up by maybe the third date date, I would wait until the timing is just right to segway into the topic without seeming intrusive. You deserve to know her explanation. You need to know if he was physically abusive or if she cheated on him. All types of things may affect her emotions and actions towards you. Good luck. I'll be watching this one to see how others respond that may have have more experience with this.
Walk Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I don't think you can give a pat answer on when to ask. If the conversation is naturally progressing toward past relationships, and the both of you are comfortable discussing the topic, then ask if you want to. Watch his body language. If he seems comfortable and relaxed ask away. If he starts looking nervous, then drop it until a later time. I personally wait quite a while before asking. Mostly because I try to guage who the person is now, prior to asking about who the person was then.
catgirl1927 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 As a divorced person, when a relationship starts to get serious and you have a talk about the future, that's when you ask about the reasons for the divorce. And it is a completely appropriate question. Many people divorce for frivilous reasons and you are completely justified in asking. In my opinion, someone who is defensive about being asked is either dating a little too soon or may have something to hide.
933KJL Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Hell, I am divorced and get it out in the open right away. Especially if SHE is divorced as well it is a good opening remark. "Hey, let's grab dinner and we can bash our ex spouses and get all that crap out of the way."
RecordProducer Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 ...the reason for the divorce?? If so, when is the best time to ask this question? Who cares if it's appropriate! You need to know. You can be surprised by how much you can find out from a shy answer. It's not appropriate to ask a new acquantaince about it. I've been asked many times by people I'd just met and I hated it. I just told them that we were not right for each other. But it's OK to ask someone you're dating. When I asked my husband why he divorced his ex the first time (right after we met), he told me this: "She's a wonderful person... but a heavy drinker and not really right for me." I've learned many things about her in the meanwhile, but his first description still explains 99% of what their marriage was like. I also asked him what SHE didn't like about him. He said: "The same things I didn't like about her - but the opposite." Once you have the initial information, you can dig out some valuable info about his personality.
vickithewestielover Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I wish that we could figure out a way to talk with ex-spouses when things start getting more serious. In the knowledge that there was pain in ending the relationship, we would hear both sides of "why". We could make a decision about whether we want to continue on the path we are walking.If only I had talked to my boyfriend's (ex) divorced wife earlier, I would have avoided a great deal of pain in finding out he is an ex-con, a pathological liar and a big fake. That was 2 years of my life living with a stranger. The way I started out talking to her is, " I wonder if you could spare me a few minutes. There is no real reason that you SHOULD talk to me, but I hope that you will." Of course, by this time, I didn't care if it pissed him off. But it's too bad that we can't talk to them in all situations without it becoming a huge drama.
alphamale Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 ...the reason for the divorce?? If so, when is the best time to ask this question? after you are dating exclusively or have had sex....whichever comes first
Buttaflyy Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 after you are dating exclusively or have had sex....whichever comes first After you've had sex? what if you find that they divorced because of some horrible reason. I know he may not tell you the whole truth anyways, but shouldn't you know certain things about a person before sex? Or have at least talked about them?
alphamale Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 After you've had sex? I was trying to say you should ask after the relationship has become more than casual... what if you find that they divorced because of some horrible reason. then you don't see them again...see how that works? but shouldn't you know certain things about a person before sex? not from the male's perspective...shoot first & ask questions later.
catgirl1927 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Well, you could also find out after dating someone for six months that they were really a serial killer. At some point you have to be able to trust your own judgement about their character based on what you do know about them. If my BF wanted to talk to my ex-H to find out "his side," I would break up with him. That's psycho. I think asking someone why they divorced is a legitimate question, because it tells you something about their life and how they became the person they are. But snooping and relying on gossip for the juiciest version of the truth is pretty immature.
kitkat826 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 My current boyf brought up on our first official date that he got married too young and that there was a major personality/life goals clash between them. On the second date, he went into more detail. I asked him right out if there was infidelity involved, and he answered honestly. These honest conversations soon in the dating process were a good move, I think, on our part. We both liked each other tremendously from the get-go and wanted to make sure we knew each other as much as possible before truly falling hard. Neither of us was initially looking for a relationship, so I think we both had the attitude of "either we give it 100% and it works, or we'll just let it go and remain happily single". We both gave it 100%, and 4.5 months later its the most healthy, compatible relationship I've ever been in.
Buttaflyy Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I was trying to say you should ask after the relationship has become more than casual... then you don't see them again...see how that works? not from the male's perspective...shoot first & ask questions later. As someone else stated before...You are indeed an idiot!
TUDOR Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Communication, communication, communication.....the importance of it can not be stressed enough. It is never too soon or ever too late to bring up what ever is on your mind.
ashnicole Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I would say - how important is it to you? If you really want a relationship with this guy, and you see yourself sticking around for awhile, it should be one of the first questions you ask, once you see it turning into something more than a two week fling. You have to be careful - you never know what kind of person you're messing with. Maybe he cheated on her numerous times. Maybe he's addicted to internet pornography. Those are just examples, but I'm saying - you have to watch out for yourself. So ask him.
Cecelius Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I think that the past is the past. Just because a person has been divorced doesn't mean they are going to get divorced in the future. And its probably none of the new person's business.
RecordProducer Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 I wish that we could figure out a way to talk with ex-spouses when things start getting more serious. In the knowledge that there was pain in ending the relationship, we would hear both sides of "why". We could make a decision about whether we want to continue on the path we are walking.If only I had talked to my boyfriend's (ex) divorced wife earlier, I would have avoided a great deal of pain in finding out he is an ex-con, a pathological liar and a big fake. That was 2 years of my life living with a stranger. The way I started out talking to her is, " I wonder if you could spare me a few minutes. There is no real reason that you SHOULD talk to me, but I hope that you will." Of course, by this time, I didn't care if it pissed him off. But it's too bad that we can't talk to them in all situations without it becoming a huge drama.OMG! If my husband wanted to talk with my ex about me, I would've ditched him right away! My ex-BF told my first husband that I am messy and can't cook. Neither is true at all! And he is the messiest person I've ever met! I cooked a lot for him too and I was very young. Also, my ex-husband didn't care about cooked meals. My husband's ex-wife thought he was a snob. I not only don't think he is one, but he thinks I am a snob! What's bad for one person can be good for another one. Without trust no relationship can exist. And if you trust and love someone, you will deal with their faults. As a matter of fact, you will learn all about them and their relationships from THEM. Most people are proud of their opinions and attitudes and will gladly expose them to anyone. Besides, talking to the ex-wife implies that you're thinking about marriage in advance! My first husband's wife died in a car accident. Her mother said he was a great husband to her for a long time. And we got divorced after a couple years.. My husband dated a girl for a short time and didn't like her. His twin brother married her later. And divorced her after a couple years.
Sapiens Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 His twin brother married her later. And divorced her after a couple years. Don't get any ideas..... -Sapiens
rkman Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Before you ask, be sure you are prepared to hear any possible answer. Whether it is good or bad, it will have an emotional impact on your view of this person.
RecordProducer Posted June 21, 2006 Posted June 21, 2006 Don't get any ideas..... Ugh... I am not attracted to his identical twin brother at all. He's a good person, but totally different from my husband - very reserved and quiet. Hubby is like a little boy, always ready to do something and have fun!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted June 23, 2006 Posted June 23, 2006 My 2 month bf and I have talked about our ex's. I probably talk about it more because I communicate with my ex all the time, but only with matters relating to our the kids. My bf knows I cheated. I told him what the situation was and that I'd never do it again. I didn't tell him all the reasons why I know I wouldn't do it again, and he didn't ask but I will tell him if he does ask. He made a comment (somewhat jokingly) about not knowing if he can trust me...I felt like shyte but I have all kinds of excuses but they can't justify my actions. I just know that I won't do it again. We still talk about our ex marriages openly...the good and the bad. We both understand that it is all in the past.
Guest Posted June 24, 2006 Posted June 24, 2006 Hi, It's ok to ask what you need answered. Think about that. The question is when. Do you likethis person a lot? Or was it your first date? I think you want to make sure that you are somewhat invested, and genuinely interested before you ask. It may come up naturally within a few dates. But if it's date #1, you may find you don't even like the person. So, wait it out a little bit, but when you start developing feelings, then it is ok to ask, as long as it is respectful and respecting boundaries. If the other person doesn't answer well, then you know something is "up". Or it could just be too soon to ask. Remember to ask with compassion, a sense of positive outcome, and understanding for the person. If you go on a date, you are most likely interested. Everyone deserves compassion, and grace. So try to be that way, and you'll probably get it in return. Good luck
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